Friday, December 30, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above average drivers.

Dave Barry

Thursday, December 29, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Mitch Hedberg

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic."

Jane Wagner

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

Mark Twain

Monday, December 26, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.

Mark Twain

Friday, December 23, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

One paper managed to add a misprint to this misinformation when they ran with the headline, 'You Can Kill Buglers.' Let me tell you, that little typo cost the lives of 17 of our finest valveless brass enthusiasts."

John Oliver

A Touch Of Humor

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

All dogs go to heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

When cheese gets a picture taken, what does it say? 

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

George Carlin

Thursday, December 22, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

Health officials say there’s a new trend of women using marijuana during their pregnancy. Which explains why this year’s most popular baby name is Funyuns.
Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

NBC is launching an all-Olympic channel next year. It will feature the Summer Games, the Winter Games, and two years of commercials in between.
Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Health officials say there’s a new trend of women using marijuana during their pregnancy. This has given rise to another new trend — babies choosing to just stay in the womb and chill.
Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Today, Queen Elizabeth stepped down as the patron of children’s charities. The queen said, “I just realized I really hate kids.”
Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Facebook is testing a new group phone call feature that will let you talk on the phone with up to 50 friends at once. If you want to try it, you go to Facebook, you click on “Features,” and then select “Living Nightmare.”
Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

I want to say happy birthday to “Law & Order” creator Dick Wolf, who turned 70 today. And if you missed his party, don’t worry. It will repeat several times tonight and all day Sunday on the USA Network.
Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, December 15, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

It’s beginning to feel like Christmas here in Hollywood. There’s gingerbread syrup in our lattes. There’s fake snow in our outdoor shopping malls. Tiny Chihuahuas in Santa hats are peeking out of our Louis Vuitton bags. It’s really a wonderful time of the year.

Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

A Touch of Humor


A Touch of Humor


A Touch Of Humor

The Hallmark Channel is coming under fire for having mostly white actors as the stars of their Christmas movies. Then Hallmark said, “That’s not true. None of the actors in our movies are stars.”

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

The Better Business Bureau just released a list of the top 10 holiday scams to avoid. And get this, the list only cost me $200.

Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, December 8, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

United Airlines just announced a new plan where you will have to pay to store a carry-on in the overhead bin. What’s next? “In case of a water landing, your seat can be used as a flotation device for only $129. Major credit cards accepted.”

James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

I prefer the normal way of shopping through Amazon — buying stuff online at 2 a.m. and being surprised by whatever shows up at my front door.

James Corden

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

The CEO of Lego will be replaced next year. The new CEO’s head is being snapped on as we speak.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

The Supreme Court has ruled that Samsung did not violate Apple’s patent on smartphone technology. The justices said, “It’s clear that Samsung came up with the idea of a phone bursting into flames all by themselves.”

Conan O'Brien

Saturday, December 3, 2016

A Touch Of Humor


Subject: The Art Collector's Wife, courtesy of my friend Ben Haney
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million, and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done!  My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day.
Now I know I can handle the bad news.  What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary
."

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                                      It must have been a good joke.

A Touch of Humor


A Touch of Humor

                                                     Harold has a senior moment.
                                                                             Google Images

Friday, November 25, 2016

A Touch of Humor


A Touch of Humor


A Touch of Humor

                                                                              Google Images

A Touch Of Humor

"When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic."

Jane Wagner

A Touch Of Humor

“Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.” 

Jane Wagner

A Touch Of Humor

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Jane Wagner

A Touch Of Humor

I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

Jane Wagner

A Touch Of Humor

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.

Mitch Hedberg

Saturday, November 19, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.

Jim Carrey

A Touch Of Humor

If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer!

Jim Carrey

A Touch Of Humor

I don't care if people think I am an overactor, as long as they enjoy what I do. People who think that would call Van Gogh an overpainter.

Jim Carrey

A Touch Of Humor

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Jim Carrey

A Touch Of Humor

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

George Carlin

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

A Touch of Humor


A Touch of Humor

                                                                             Google Images

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

A Touch of Humor


A Touch of Humor

                                                                                    Google Images

A Touch of Humor

                                                                       mobile.twitter.com

A Touch Of Humor

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. That's how you know it didn't go as you planned.

Kevin Hart

A Touch Of Humor

It's just weird that out of nowhere God said, "May the three best-looking guys in Hollywood have babies - Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and me". It was bizarre that God said, "I want to make the planet more beautiful", and I got the call.

Adam Sandler

Friday, November 4, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

I gotta' work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta' start working out. It's been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh...is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh...and watch TV. And get a bone density test. And uh...try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

I have just learned that penguins are monogamous for life, which doesn't really surprise me all that much because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're going to meet a better looking penguin someday.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, ''Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres.''

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?...Noooo...as funny as that is, I'm not

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

People always ask me `Were you funny as a child?` Well, I was an accountant.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

I have a terrible problem with procrastination... a friend told me, "Well, you should go to therapy. And I thought about it, but then I said, "Wait a minute. Why should I pay a stranger to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk?" And that's when I got the idea of touring.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

"I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going...."

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

I'm a — I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her — the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection....

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong - normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there's morning sickness. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'

Ellen DeGeneres

Thursday, November 3, 2016

A Touch Of Humor


Dear Readers, this joke from my friend Ben Haney is too long to publish for subscribers, but I laughed aloud and I think you will too. Dick


One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.






The letter read:



Dear God,
  
I am an 86 year  old widow, living on a very small  pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.



Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
  
Can you please help me?
    
Sincerely, Edna



The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
  
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
  
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.



All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.   




It read:
    
Dear God,
  
How  can I ever thank you enough for what you did for  me?



Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift to me.  




By the way, there was $4 missing.
  
I think it might have been those bastards at the Post Office.
    
Sincerely,    
  
Edna





A Touch Of Humor


Dear Readers, this joke from my friend Ben Haney is too long to publish for subscribers, but I laughed aloud and I think you will too. Dick


One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.






The letter read:



Dear God,
  
I am an 86 year  old widow, living on a very small  pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.



Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
  
Can you please help me?
    
Sincerely, Edna



The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
  
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
  
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.



All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.   




It read:
    
Dear God,
  
How  can I ever thank you enough for what you did for  me?



Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift to me.  




By the way, there was $4 missing.
  
I think it might have been those bastards at the Post Office.
    
Sincerely,    
  
Edna





A Touch Of Humor

Note To Readers: This joke from my friend Ben Haney is too long to publish for subscribers, but I laughed aloud in reading it and I think you will as well. Dick

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.  

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. 

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' 

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'

Monday, October 31, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

They have the greeting cards with the couples on the front. They photograph them. These hazy focus people. They’re always having picnics. There’s always a tree, a pond… who are these people? I don’t know them. I don’t want them on my card either. What am I going to write inside there anyway? “Here’s another couple having a better relationship than us.”

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

Just what is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics? Is it still just the two spaces?

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Jerry Seinfeld

Saturday, October 29, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

Daniel Tosh

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

Normal people terrify me, because they haven’t had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a disfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you’ve driven a drunken father to moms’ parole hearing, what else is there?

Christopher Titus

A Touch Of Humor

Thomas Jefferson said, "The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Yeah and I heard that and thought, "I'm out!"

Christopher Titus

A Touch Of Humor

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase, you know, something like 'Ladies and Gentlemen'. That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen"... Then when he gets out of hand I get to go "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!"

Louis C.K.

A Touch Of Humor

Thirty-six percent of Americans say that they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman. That's an easy mistake to make.

John Oliver

A Touch Of Humor

I see that no one, yet, is filming this on their cell phones. I appreciate that because that has become the new scourge of stand-up: people sitting there saying, 'I want to enjoy this, but now is not good for me. Later would be better -- later and smaller.'

John Oliver

A Touch Of Humor

One paper managed to add a misprint to this misinformation when they ran with the headline, 'You Can Kill Buglers.' Let me tell you, that little typo cost the lives of 17 of our finest valveless brass enthusiasts.

John Oliver

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

A Touch of Humor


A Touch of Humor

                                                                               Google Images

A Touch of Humor

                                                                            Google Images

A Touch Of Humor

"Cranberries are, I think we can all agree, nature's most disgusting berry. Cranberries taste like cherries who hate you. Cranberries taste like what a raspberry drinks before a colonoscopy."

John Oliver

A Touch Of Humor

"I may not agree with you, but I will defend to the death your right to make an ass of yourself."

Oscar Wilde

Thursday, October 20, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                                                    Giggles

Monday, October 17, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"America doesn't need libraries; you don’t need books here. There are plenty of books in the world, and plenty of people who've read them. It's not your area of expertise.... Stick to what you are truly great at -- TV."

John Oliver

A Touch of Humor

                                                           A Logical Question

Sunday, October 16, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"Foreign newspapers; if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?"

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

"A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children understand the concept of God?"

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

"I talked to Bay Buchanan, founder of the political action committee to get immigrants out of America. Sounds like a hard job. We should find some immigrants to do that.

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

"Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

"Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt."

Stephen Colbert

Sunday, October 9, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

“When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.”  

Rita Rudner

A Touch Of Humor

“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”

Rita Rudner 

A Touch Of Humor

“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

Rita Rudner

A Touch of Humor

“Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.”  

Rita Rudner

A Touch Of Humor

“When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?”  

Rita Rudner

A Touch Of Humor

“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”  

Rita Rudner

A Touch Of Humor

“I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.”  

Rita Rudner

A Touch Of Humor

“How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?”

Rita Rudner

A Touch Of Humor

“Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.”  

Rita Rudner

A Touch Of Humor

“I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen”  

Rita Rudner

Saturday, October 8, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                                                        Google Images

A Touch of Humor


Touch of Humor

                                                                                      Google Images

Thursday, October 6, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

Two mechanics have been arrested for using a Vatican car to smuggle Marijuana, or as the Pope put it, "Man, this incense is great."

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

"A new study says dogs feel genuine love for their owners. While cats just keep a journal of all the things they hate about you."

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

"The College Board says it's revamping the SAT to focus on what students will need in college. In fact, the SAT is now just one question: "How much money do your parents have?"

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Homor

"It was just reported that the number of single people in the U.S. is at its highest level in 38 years. At which point, the makers of Haagen-Dazs and the makers of Hot Pockets high fived each other."

Jimmy Fallon -

A Touch Of Humor

Costco just announced that it made $537 million in the last quarter. Which means there's a record number of people saying, "What the hell am I gonna do with ten thousand rolls of paper towels?"

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

"Keep the company of those who seek the truth; run from those who have found it."

Vaclav Havel (Former Czechoslovakia President)

Monday, October 3, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                            A Very Special Tea Party         DumpaDay.com

A Touch Of Humor

"I confess that when I first read that smog is particularly hazardous to children, senior citizens, and physically active people, for a brief moment I thought, I'm in the clear for at least ten years."

Paula Poundstone

A Touch Of Humor

"I think we need a 12-step group for non-stop talkers. We're going to call it On and On Anon."

Paula Poundstone

A Touch Of Humor

"I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge."

Paula Poundstone

A Touch Of Humor

"I happen to be a devout atheist. I don't believe in God. I still go to church ... I'm not a heathen. I go to an atheist church. We have crippled guys who stand up and testify that they were crippled, and they still are."

Paula Poundstone

A Touch Of Humor

"My parents got carried away with the letter P when they were naming the kids in our family. There's me, Paula, my sisters Peggy and Patty, and my brother Pjimmy, spelled with a silent P."

Paula Poundstone

A Touch Of Humor

"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name."

Paula Poundstone

A Touch Of Humor

"I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have someplace to put my savings."

Paula Poundstone

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                                                      Google Images

Monday, September 26, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view."

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice."

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it."

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"What year did Jesus think it was?"

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?"

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor


An older gentleman was on the operating table       awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.  As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?"  "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me,  your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...." 

(Humor courtesy of my friend Ben Haney)

Sunday, September 25, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."

Jimmy Durante

(Humor courtesy of my friend Ben Haney)

A Touch Of Humor

"Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."

Spike Milligan

(Humor courtesy of my friend Ben Haney)

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                                                           Cartoon Stock

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

Without a college education, your child will enter the job market with no useful skills.: whereas with a college education, your child will enter the job market with no useful skills and parents who are hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.."

Dave Barry

Friday, September 16, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                              For Your Convenience          Google Images

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

“Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:
Yes.
Yes.
No.
One time in high school.
Three times in my twenties.
Rocks no salt.
Yes.
Four.
Never. And how dare you!
I will take no further questions.”
Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding   

A Touch Of Humor

“And now I've got to explain the smell that was in there before I went in there. Does that ever happen to you? It's not your fault. You've held your breath, you just wanna get out, and now you open the door and you have to explain, 'Oh! Listen, there's an odor in there and I didn't do it. It's bad.”

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

“Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.”

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

“People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. ”

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

“Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.”

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."

Ellen DeGeneres  

A Touch Of Humor

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”

Ellen DeGeneres

Monday, September 12, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

“Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair.”

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch OF Humor

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”  

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”

Ellen DeGeneres

Sunday, September 11, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                                                Drama Fever News

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

A Touch Of Humor


"No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office."

George Bernard Shaw
(Thank you to Laura Rosenwald for sharing this humor with us) 

A Touch Of Humor

When I was growing up, they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me. "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer."

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

"You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer."

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

"And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. OF COURSE he was Jewish!30-years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!"

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

"Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.'  She's got a baseball bat and yelling, You want a piece of me?'

Robin Williams

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." "I said "Why?" "He said "My dog's died."

Tommy Cooper

A Touch Of Humor

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."

Elayne Boosler

A Touch Of Humor

"It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it."

Naviot Singh Sidhu

A Touch Of Humor

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

Woody Allen