Monday, November 30, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I heard that a lot of Peloton [stationary bikes] customers are upset because their orders have been delayed for months. Right now customers are like ‘how am I supposed to regret buying this thing if it never comes.’ You can tell Peloton is getting desperate. Today they mailed people a Schwinn with a 9 inch TV duct taped to it.

Jimmy Fallon 

Friday, November 27, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I love being in my 60s, it’s my favorite decade of human life so far. When you’re in your 60s, people ask you to do something, you just say no. No reason, no excuse, no explanation. I can’t wait for my 70s – I don’t think I’ll even answer.

Jerry Seinfeld

Thursday, November 26, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

It's so simple to be wise ... just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.

Homer Simpson

Wednesday, November 25, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Whoever said out of sight out of mind never had a spider disappear in the bedroom.”

Author Unknown 

From my sister Lorrie Kazan’s Prosperity Meditation.

Tuesday, November 24, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The makers of Oreos have announced they’ll offer a gluten-free version of the cookie next year. So if you love the taste of Oreos, these won’t have that.

Seth Meyers

Monday, November 23, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

According to the New York Times, President Trump last week asked his senior advisers about moving ahead with a military strike on Iran. And I think it’s a bad sign that I’m just relieved that he didn’t ask about Michigan.

Seth Meyers

Friday, November 20, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Let’s have a moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles.

Author Unknown

Thursday, November 19, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

New Rule: Now that Oregon has become the first state to decriminalize heroin, coke, meth and mushrooms, they have to change their tourism slogan to Oregon: Come for the heroin, coke, meth and mushrooms. And stay because you're unresponsive.

Bill Maher 

Wednesday, November 18, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The Daily Show With Trevor Noah

Dulce Sloan: Having Kamala as his Veep is great for Joe Biden too. She's smart, she's experienced and as long as she's there, Republicans are never going to impeach him. He could straight up sell Florida and the GOP would be like - still can't risk that black lady being President.

Tuesday, November 17, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

In a new episode of his podcast, boxer Mike Tyson said that he used the urine of his infant son to pass drug tests when he was competing, which explains why he once tested positive for Similac [Infant Formula].

Seth Meyers

Monday, November 16, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

So I tell you, sucks and great are the exact same thing!

You go to a baseball game, you have a hot dog. The hot dog is cold. The bun is not toasted. The vendor is an ex-con in a work release program. You love that hot dog every time! Does it suck? Yes! Is it great? Yes! That’s how close they are.

Jerry Seinfeld

Friday, November 13, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Please don’t worship me. I’m just an ordinary guy, with lots of followers trying to spread my message. Sort of like Jesus Christ I guess.”

Ricky Gervais 

Thursday, November 12, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

My Alexa is acting up. So I say to her, every morning, Alexa would you play this song? And now she says to me two days ago, ‘no, I don’t like that song.’ I said Alexa I need the recipe for blueberry pancakes. She goes, ‘you don’t need that. You don’t want that.’ And then last night I’m watching the Yankee game and I wanted to check in on the Lakers score. I said what’s the Lakers score Alexa? Alexa, what’s the Lakers score? She says, ‘who gives a shit, I’m watching the Dodger game.’

 Billy Crystal  

Wednesday, November 11, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

This is interesting. I saw that starting in November, Singapore will offer cruises to nowhere. [CNN: Singapore introduces ‘cruises to nowhere’ for travel starved locals] So they’re basically just going to go out and float and come back. So if you’re tired of being cooped up at home, try it in a smaller room that rocks back-and-forth.

Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, November 10, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The Simpsons

Marge: You’ve had the same entry-level job your whole career ... I can’t be the only one in this family who wants more for us.

Homer: I want more! I just don’t want to do anything to earn it.

Monday, November 9, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Wildlife officials in Florida announced yesterday that they’ve uncovered an animal trafficking ring that allegedly captured almost 4000 flying squirrels to be sold as pets. Both the suspects and the victims are considered a flight risk.

Seth Meyers

Friday, November 6, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

 Police officer: “Pull over.”

Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.”

 - Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels), Dumb and Dumber

Thursday, November 5, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

  “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”

 - Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory

Wednesday, November 4, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

 Francois: “Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?”

Clouseau: “The exploding kind.”

 - Francois (AndrĂ© Maranne) and Inspector Clouseau (Peter Sellers), The Pink Panther Strikes Again

Tuesday, November 3, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

  “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”

 - Jay Leno

Monday, November 2, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

  “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”

 - Neil DeGrasse Tyson