Monday, April 23, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Negotiations to buy the company that makes Adderall ended today without a deal. Meanwhile, talks to buy the maker of Cialis lasted over four hours so they had to call a doctor. - Conan O'Brien

Friday, April 20, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A former Playboy bunny just became the oldest lingerie model at 83 years old. When asked why she went back to work, she said, “My Trump hush money ran out.” - Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, April 19, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Scientists have just added a new animal to the endangered species list. It’s a green-haired Australian turtle that breathes through its genitals. The reason it’s endangered is because in an emergency, nobody wants to give it CPR. - James Corden

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A new report did not name New York City as one of the 25 best places to live in the country. “I’m shocked!” said an adult New Yorker with six roommates. - Seth Meyers

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • One of the world’s top Donkey Kong players has been stripped of his records for cheating. He was going to be sentenced to life, but it turns out he doesn’t have one. - Conan O'Brien

Monday, April 16, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

If a woman over forty doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting. - Andy Rooney

Thursday, April 12, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens..

Bob Hope

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Thank you to my friend Ben Haney for sharing these cartoons with us:

A Touch Of Humor

“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”
Groucho Marx

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the proper application of fonts and color.” 
― Scott AdamsDilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland

Monday, April 9, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • It's been reported that Britain's Queen Elizabeth has made over $9 million betting on horse racing. When asked to comment, Queen Elizabeth said, "That's nothing! I've won $20 million on dog fighting." - Conan O'Brien

Friday, April 6, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A Virginia set of identical twin sisters will marry a set of identical twin brothers in a joint wedding this summer. They’re registered at Kinko’s. - Seth Meyers

Thursday, April 5, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?”
Bill Watterson ("Calvin and Hobbes" Creator)

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • I read about an Australian couple that put a GoPro on their dog instead of hiring a wedding photographer. And in the end, he got great shots of everybody’s crotch. - Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • President Trump's approval rating has gone up to 45%. At this rate, he is two porn stars away from being re-elected. - Conan O'Brien

Monday, April 2, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.”
Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" Creator)

Friday, March 30, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

The only mystery in life is why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Al McGuire

Thursday, March 29, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Wildlife experts are reportedly puzzled as to why a pair of bald eagles at the National Arboretum, named Mr. President and The First Lady, have not yet laid an egg this spring. Though they haven't really been getting along since Mr. President had that affair with Storky Daniels. - Seth Meyers

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

George Carlin

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.” 
― Andy Rooney

Monday, March 26, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • The queen of England is planning a huge concert for her 92nd birthday. The queen made the decision right after finding out Pitbull is available. - Conan O'Brien

Friday, March 23, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Today, President Trump had a meeting with Bill Gates. At one point, both looked at each other and went, “Wow, what a terrible haircut.” - Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, March 22, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

Robin Williams

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • This week in England, a worker at a factory that makes Coca-Cola cans was caught urinating into the cans. But Coke quickly dealt with the situation by putting a Mountain Dew label on it. - Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

According to the statistics, a man eats a prune every twenty seconds.. I don't know who this fellow is, but I know where to find him.

Morey Amsterdam

Monday, March 19, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.” 
― Scott Adams ("Dilbert" Creator)

Friday, March 16, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will star in a sixth "Terminator" film, which will begin production this fall. In this one, Arnold goes back in time to stop them from making the fifth "Terminator" film. - Seth Meyers

Thursday, March 15, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A nightclub in Miami has lost its business license after a woman brought a horse onto the dance floor. In the nightclub's defense, the horse's ID looked real. - Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“My mother always called me 'sturdy' and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.” 
― Andy Rooney

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.” 
― Woody Allen

Monday, March 12, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • In honor of International Women’s Day, Mattel is releasing a set of Barbies based on history-making women, like Amelia Earhart and Olympic gold medalist Chloe Kim. It’s called the Way Too Good for Ken Collection. - Jimmy Fallon

Friday, March 9, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Walmart announced that they will not sell guns to people under 21. Walmart added, “But if you’re 22 and [ticked] off, come on down!” - Conan O'Brien

Thursday, March 8, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Former first lady Michelle Obama has announced that her memoir, entitled "Becoming," will be published in November. The book will cover some of the most exciting times in Michelle Obama's life, like that time she got $65 million to write a memoir! - James Corden

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A new report claims that California is the state with the worst quality of life. “Ha-ha!” said a New Yorker – right before a rat fell in his mouth. - Seth Meyers

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • The CEO of SeaWorld has stepped down. He's going to be getting a $10 million retirement package – if he can jump up and catch it with his mouth. - Conan O'Brien

Monday, March 5, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • After years of bad publicity, SeaWorld's CEO is stepping down. He wasn't sure what was worse – emptying his desk, or the seals clapping as he left. - Jimmy Fallon

Friday, March 2, 2018

Thursday, March 1, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.

Ellen DeGeneres

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? ... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

Billy Connolly

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Monday, February 26, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

George Carlin

Friday, February 23, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • I read about a company that's working on technology that would let your pet video chat with you. It's fun to get a video chat from your dog, but depressing to watch your cat decline your call. - Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, February 22, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? why do you say 'Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language."

Morey Amsterdam

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • The Pentagon is reportedly considering nuclear retaliation as a response to cyber-attacks by hackers. The biggest challenge is building missiles that can penetrate a mother’s basement. 
  • - Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

A Touch Of Wisdom

“Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.” 
― Woody Allen

Monday, February 19, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.” 
― Dave Barry

Friday, February 16, 2018

Thursday, February 15, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus.

Robin Williams

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.” 

Woody Allen

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it.” 
― Scott AdamsDilbert Gives You the Business

Monday, February 12, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

George Carlin

Friday, February 9, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

A bank is a place that will loan you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Bob Hope

Thursday, February 8, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Steven Wright

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck.'

Emo Philips

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Oscar Wilde

Monday, February 5, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

Robin Williams

Friday, February 2, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information” 
― Scott AdamsThe Joy of Work: Dilbert's Guide to Finding Happiness at the Expense of Your Co-Workers

Thursday, February 1, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books; how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

Andy Rooney

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

George Bernard Shaw

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A man broke a Guinness world record by walking barefoot on a 120-foot path of loose Legos. This beats the old record set by every dad getting up to use the bathroom at night. - Jimmy Fallon

Monday, January 29, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?

Scott Adams (“Dilbert” Creator)

Friday, January 26, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money?

John Barrymore

Thursday, January 25, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again."

Robin Williams

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Mark Twain

Monday, January 22, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Strange medical news from Pakistan. A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. ... In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.

Craig Kilborn

Friday, January 19, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • During a political protest on Capitol Hill today, 82 rabbis were arrested. It’s the first time D.C. police have dispersed a crowd by spraying them with bacon bits. - Conan O’Brien

Thursday, January 18, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

George Carlin

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • On Saturday the word s***hole was projected on to Trump’s D.C. hotel. It got even worse when Motel 6 sued them for copyright infringement. - Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" creator)

Monday, January 15, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Oscar Wilde

Friday, January 12, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • I saw that Princess Charlotte went to her first day of nursery school yesterday. It was a little intimidating for the other kids – like for "Show and Tell," she brought Scotland. - Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, January 11, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • This is our first show of the New Year after the holidays. We’re very happy to be back. We actually would have come back last week but marijuana was just legalized here in California so … you know.       James Corden

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Henny Youngman

Monday, January 8, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I'm always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'

Sydney J. Harris

Friday, January 5, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Navjot Singh Sidhu

Thursday, January 4, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Homer Simpson

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Groucho Marx

Monday, January 1, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Abraham Lincoln