Wednesday, August 15, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

[President Donald Trump's new Space Force]  We finally learned about the Space Force chain of command. According to Trump, it’ll go, “E.T., Yoda, then Groot.” - Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.”
Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" creator)

Monday, August 13, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Following the launch of his own charter school, nearly 14,000 people have signed an online petition to make LeBron James the secretary of education, even though we already have one. "Who is it now?” asked Betsy DeVos.  - Seth Meyers

Friday, August 10, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A man in Florida was recently arrested after running into a liquor store with an alligator and chasing people who were shopping there. I'm just going to say it: This emotional support animal thing has officially gone too far. - James Corden

Thursday, August 9, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • The New York Mets suffered their worst loss in franchise history last night losing to the Washington Nationals 25-4. It was so bad that even the ceremonial first pitch was hit for a triple. - Seth Meyers

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor. Elayne Boosler

Monday, August 6, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

    Some big news here in California: The state’s Supreme Court just blocked an initiative asking people to vote on whether California should be split into three separate states. It’s no coincidence that this proposal came right after the state legalized weed. “Dude, what if California was like... three Californias?” 

    - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

Jerry Seinfeld

Friday, August 3, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Scientists in Canada are working to create the world's first beer brewed entirely from cannabis. Scientists say they've been working tirelessly from morning to mid-morning.

Seth Meyers

Thursday, August 2, 2018

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.

Bill Murray

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

Monday, July 30, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel (New York Yankee Baseball Team Manager)

Friday, July 27, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A man in New Hampshire was arrested after walking around a Planet Fitness gym completely naked. He defended himself by telling officers he thought it was a “judgment-free zone," because that's the gym's motto. So apparently, there is such a thing as too much body positivity. - Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, July 26, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Two women from Minnesota are seeking to file discrimination charges after the police were called on them for breastfeeding at a public pool. Even worse, their kids were charged with illegally bringing in an outside beverage. - Seth Meyers

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

I eat cake because it's somebody's birthday somewhere.

Author Unknown

Monday, July 23, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

Friday, July 20, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it I wash my mouth out with chocolate.”
Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" Creator)

Thursday, July 19, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A couple in Florida are getting married and instead of wedding presents, they've asked for money to buy goats. Even crazier, one couple they invited was like, "Finally, a chance to regift this goat." - Jimmy Fallon

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Thank God I don't have to hunt for my food. I don't even know where tacos live ...

Author Unknown

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Researchers in Asia have developed a robot that is capable of assembling furniture from Ikea. Completely true! The robot assembled an Ikea chair in just about 20 minutes. If you think this will save you a lot of time, think again. The first step is, you've got to assemble the robots. - James Corden

Monday, July 16, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A Republican congressional candidate sent out anti-Semitic messages in a robocall. Of course, anti-Semites are now furious that robots are taking their jobs. - Conan O'Brien

Friday, July 13, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

President Trump arrived in England today and he was greeted by hundreds of angry protesters. Of course, it didn’t help that Trump arrived in England wearing a Croatian soccer jersey. - Conan O'Brien

Thursday, July 12, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Amazon is raising the price of its prime membership by $20. Which sounds like a lot, until you remember what it feels like to make eye contact with a cashier when you buy a 40-pack of toilet paper.

- Jimmy Fallon

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Mark Twain

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • At this weekend's London marathon, a man proposed to his girlfriend while dressed as a T. Rex — which backfired when his arms were too short to open the ring box. - Jimmy Fallon

Monday, July 9, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • On Tuesday, a cow named Char won the "sexiest cow in Britain" award. Don’t worry, the organizers of the contest have been arrested. - Conan O'Brien

Saturday, July 7, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • New York's State Assembly is considering a new bill that would legalize alcoholic ice cream. "That's great news," said a five-year-old having a rough day. “Just a little something to take the edge off, Ma.” - Seth Meyers

Thursday, July 5, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Teacher: "Where is your book?"

Student: "At home."

Teacher: "And what's it doing there?"

Student: "Having more fun than me."

Author Unknown

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

Dan Rather

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Another major corporation has been hacked. Customer information has been compromised in a recent data breach at the restaurant chain Chili's. Chili's customers were furious, they were like, "I want my data back, data back, data back..." - James Corden

Monday, July 2, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • After 30 years on the bench, [Justice Anthony] Kennedy is retiring from the Supreme Court. He's 81 years old, so he's going to go from sitting around in a robe all day to sitting around in a robe all day. - Jimmy Fallon

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Microsoft is working on technology that removes the need for cashiers and checkout lines. This cutting-edge technology is known as "shoplifting." - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

"When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. ” 

― Dave Barry

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • First lady Melania Trump made a surprise trip to the U.S.-Mexico border today and visited a facility holding migrant children. "I can't imagine what terrible things you've been through," said one of the kids to Melania. - Seth Meyers

Monday, June 25, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Today, first lady Melania Trump made a surprise visit to the U.S.-Mexico border. And this isn't good — she brought her passport and everything she owns. - Jimmy Fallon

Friday, June 22, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • According to a new report, legal marijuana sales in Colorado have seen a plateau in growth. Apparently, people are still going to the marijuana stores, but they can't remember why they went in. - Seth Meyers

Thursday, June 21, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

Mark Twain

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“All his life he tried to be a good person. Many times, however, he failed.
For after all, he was only human. He wasn't a dog.”
Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" Creator)

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • This year, Americans spent around $15 billion on Father's Day. When dads thanked their kids for the gifts, the kids were like, "No problem, I ordered them using your Amazon account.” - Jimmy Fallon

Monday, June 18, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • The state of Vermont is trying to get people to move into their state and to sweeten the deal they're now offering each new resident up to $10,000. This is great because up until now, the most popular way to become a Vermont resident was through the witness protection program. - James Corden

Friday, June 15, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Today it was announced the U.S. will host the 2026 World Cup with Mexico. Players can either travel from the U.S. to Mexico by plane or just walk past the wall that still won't be built. - Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, June 14, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • George H.W. Bush turned 94 today, and he is now the oldest living president ever. Bush toasted himself saying, "Suck it, Thomas Jefferson." - Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Scientists are predicting that in a few years we'll be able to smell the TV shows we watch. This is good news for every single show except "Dog the Bounty Hunter." - Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Everyone appreciates your honesty until you're honest with them. Then you're an ass****

George Carlin

Monday, June 11, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Just months after President Trump promised to send astronauts back to the moon, NASA has stopped working on its moon rover project. Now when they head to the moon, the astronauts' plan is to just have a friend pick them up when they land. - James Corden

Friday, June 8, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A man who was bitten by a shark, a bear, and a rattlesnake in less than four years and survived. The man thanked God he's still alive, while God said, "What do I have to do to nail this guy? I mean, come on." - Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, June 7, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Robin Williams

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • President Trump tweeted that he may pardon someone because Sylvester Stallone asked him to. The pardon is for the guy who wrote "Rocky V." - Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A plane in Holland was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger’s body odor was so bad that it caused others to vomit and faint. You know it’s bad when people are going into the airplane bathroom for some fresh air. - James Corden

Monday, June 4, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Police in Germany recently spent 9 hours using a crane to lift an escaped water buffalo from a highway. Said the water buffalo, “I GET it, I’m FAT.” - Seth Meyers

Friday, June 1, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

"Everyone brings joy to this office ...
Some when they enter.
Some when they leave.

Author Unknown

Thursday, May 31, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality approaches zero.” 
― Scott Adams ("Dilbert" Creator)

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Uber says it hopes to have flying cars in operation by 2020. It's all part of their plan to help drunk people throw up faster. - Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • This week American Airlines released a new set of guidelines stating which emotional support animals can be taken on planes. American says they will not allow ferrets, goats, hedgehogs, insects, snakes, rodents, sugar gliders, non-household birds, or animals with tusks, horns, and hooves. This is actually good news for me, because I can still take on my pet alligator. - James Corden

Monday, May 28, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Froot Loops cereal has added a new flavor, Wild Berry. People who tried the new flavor say it tastes like “wild berries, plus sugar, minus wild berries." - Conan O'Brien

Friday, May 25, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Strong winds in California recently caused a bouncy house with a child in it to be blown from a backyard and onto a nearby highway. Authorities say the child is OK, and the child said, “Greatest. Bouncy House. EVER.” - Seth Meyers

Thursday, May 24, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?”
Bill Watterson ("Calvin and Hobbes" Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
- Richard Bach (Bestselling Author)


Wednesday, May 23, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • The U.S. Postal Service announced on Monday that it will soon issue its first scratch-and-sniff stamps. Finally, a stamp that smells like a real bald eagle. - James Corden

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • 7-Eleven has announced they are going to be offering healthier options for their customers. The CEO said, "We want our customers to live to be as old as one of our hot dogs." - Conan O'Brien

Monday, May 21, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Last night, a Picasso painting of a naked girl was sold at an auction for $115 million. So, congrats to the middle school boys who all pooled their lunch money together to buy it. - Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, May 17, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“Be yourself. No one can say you're doing it wrong.”

Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" Creator)

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

A New Jersey farm has come out with a ham-flavored ice cream. So, if you like ham, and you like ice cream, you're still going to hate this. 

- Seth Meyers

Friday, May 11, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Scientists just named a newly discovered beetle after Leonardo DiCaprio. Unfortunately, it froze in the ocean after the beetle’s girlfriend wouldn’t share part of a leaf — even though there was CLEARLY room on the leaf for both of them. - Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, May 10, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • [Amazon's new portable robot] I mean, did we need this? Is this something we asked for? Did anybody really ask for this? A robot that follows you around all day? Nobody was saying, "You know, I like my Alexa, I just wish it would follow me into the bathroom and stare at me while I shower." - James Corden

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

W.C. Fields

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney

Monday, May 7, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

"It is always the person not in the predicament who knows what ought to have been done and would unquestionably have done it too."

Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

Friday, May 4, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A group of House Republicans has nominated President Trump for a Nobel Peace Prize. As evidence, they pointed out that Trump has managed to avoid an all-out war with North Korea and Melania.  - Conan O'Brien

Thursday, May 3, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A new study found that one in four Americans said they would have sex with a robot at least once just to try it. Which might explain why your Roomba won't come out from under the couch. - Seth Meyers

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • The royal family just announced the name of William and Kate's newborn son, Louis Arthur Charles. I guess they couldn't decide on a royal-sounding name, so they just went with all of them.- Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Amazon has introduced a new service which allows a delivery person to open the trunk of your automobile by tapping on a smartphone screen so that they can deliver packages to your parked car. That's if you've got Amazon Prime. If you're just a regular customer, you have to open your sunroof and a drone drops it in from 10,000 feet. - James Corden

Monday, April 30, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • I heard there's a new Amazon Alexa coming out that's made just for kids. After an hour of answering your kids’ nonstop questions, it just puts on a movie to shut them up. - Jimmy Fallon

Friday, April 27, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
Albert Einstein

Thursday, April 26, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Some Gmail users have been getting spam messages from themselves. Which got really confusing for the one guy who actually IS a Nigerian prince. He's like, "Wait, what?" - Jimmy Fallon

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Mark Twain

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational
things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the
principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.” 
― Scott Adams ("Dilbert" Creator)

Monday, April 23, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Negotiations to buy the company that makes Adderall ended today without a deal. Meanwhile, talks to buy the maker of Cialis lasted over four hours so they had to call a doctor. - Conan O'Brien

Friday, April 20, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A former Playboy bunny just became the oldest lingerie model at 83 years old. When asked why she went back to work, she said, “My Trump hush money ran out.” - Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, April 19, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Scientists have just added a new animal to the endangered species list. It’s a green-haired Australian turtle that breathes through its genitals. The reason it’s endangered is because in an emergency, nobody wants to give it CPR. - James Corden

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A new report did not name New York City as one of the 25 best places to live in the country. “I’m shocked!” said an adult New Yorker with six roommates. - Seth Meyers

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • One of the world’s top Donkey Kong players has been stripped of his records for cheating. He was going to be sentenced to life, but it turns out he doesn’t have one. - Conan O'Brien

Monday, April 16, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

If a woman over forty doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting. - Andy Rooney

Thursday, April 12, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens..

Bob Hope

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Thank you to my friend Ben Haney for sharing these cartoons with us:

A Touch Of Humor

“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”
Groucho Marx

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the proper application of fonts and color.” 
― Scott AdamsDilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland

Monday, April 9, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • It's been reported that Britain's Queen Elizabeth has made over $9 million betting on horse racing. When asked to comment, Queen Elizabeth said, "That's nothing! I've won $20 million on dog fighting." - Conan O'Brien

Friday, April 6, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A Virginia set of identical twin sisters will marry a set of identical twin brothers in a joint wedding this summer. They’re registered at Kinko’s. - Seth Meyers

Thursday, April 5, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?”
Bill Watterson ("Calvin and Hobbes" Creator)

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • I read about an Australian couple that put a GoPro on their dog instead of hiring a wedding photographer. And in the end, he got great shots of everybody’s crotch. - Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • President Trump's approval rating has gone up to 45%. At this rate, he is two porn stars away from being re-elected. - Conan O'Brien

Monday, April 2, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.”
Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" Creator)

Friday, March 30, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

The only mystery in life is why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Al McGuire

Thursday, March 29, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Wildlife experts are reportedly puzzled as to why a pair of bald eagles at the National Arboretum, named Mr. President and The First Lady, have not yet laid an egg this spring. Though they haven't really been getting along since Mr. President had that affair with Storky Daniels. - Seth Meyers

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

George Carlin

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.” 
― Andy Rooney

Monday, March 26, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • The queen of England is planning a huge concert for her 92nd birthday. The queen made the decision right after finding out Pitbull is available. - Conan O'Brien

Friday, March 23, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Today, President Trump had a meeting with Bill Gates. At one point, both looked at each other and went, “Wow, what a terrible haircut.” - Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, March 22, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

Robin Williams

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • This week in England, a worker at a factory that makes Coca-Cola cans was caught urinating into the cans. But Coke quickly dealt with the situation by putting a Mountain Dew label on it. - Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

According to the statistics, a man eats a prune every twenty seconds.. I don't know who this fellow is, but I know where to find him.

Morey Amsterdam

Monday, March 19, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.” 
― Scott Adams ("Dilbert" Creator)

Friday, March 16, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will star in a sixth "Terminator" film, which will begin production this fall. In this one, Arnold goes back in time to stop them from making the fifth "Terminator" film. - Seth Meyers

Thursday, March 15, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A nightclub in Miami has lost its business license after a woman brought a horse onto the dance floor. In the nightclub's defense, the horse's ID looked real. - Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“My mother always called me 'sturdy' and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.” 
― Andy Rooney

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.” 
― Woody Allen

Monday, March 12, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • In honor of International Women’s Day, Mattel is releasing a set of Barbies based on history-making women, like Amelia Earhart and Olympic gold medalist Chloe Kim. It’s called the Way Too Good for Ken Collection. - Jimmy Fallon

Friday, March 9, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Walmart announced that they will not sell guns to people under 21. Walmart added, “But if you’re 22 and [ticked] off, come on down!” - Conan O'Brien

Thursday, March 8, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • Former first lady Michelle Obama has announced that her memoir, entitled "Becoming," will be published in November. The book will cover some of the most exciting times in Michelle Obama's life, like that time she got $65 million to write a memoir! - James Corden

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A new report claims that California is the state with the worst quality of life. “Ha-ha!” said a New Yorker – right before a rat fell in his mouth. - Seth Meyers

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • The CEO of SeaWorld has stepped down. He's going to be getting a $10 million retirement package – if he can jump up and catch it with his mouth. - Conan O'Brien

Monday, March 5, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • After years of bad publicity, SeaWorld's CEO is stepping down. He wasn't sure what was worse – emptying his desk, or the seals clapping as he left. - Jimmy Fallon

Friday, March 2, 2018

Thursday, March 1, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.

Ellen DeGeneres

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? ... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

Billy Connolly

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Monday, February 26, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

George Carlin

Friday, February 23, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • I read about a company that's working on technology that would let your pet video chat with you. It's fun to get a video chat from your dog, but depressing to watch your cat decline your call. - Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, February 22, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? why do you say 'Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language."

Morey Amsterdam

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • The Pentagon is reportedly considering nuclear retaliation as a response to cyber-attacks by hackers. The biggest challenge is building missiles that can penetrate a mother’s basement. 
  • - Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

A Touch Of Wisdom

“Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.” 
― Woody Allen

Monday, February 19, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.” 
― Dave Barry

Friday, February 16, 2018

Thursday, February 15, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus.

Robin Williams

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.” 

Woody Allen

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it.” 
― Scott AdamsDilbert Gives You the Business

Monday, February 12, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

George Carlin

Friday, February 9, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

A bank is a place that will loan you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Bob Hope

Thursday, February 8, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Steven Wright

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck.'

Emo Philips

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Oscar Wilde

Monday, February 5, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

Robin Williams

Friday, February 2, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

“Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information” 
― Scott AdamsThe Joy of Work: Dilbert's Guide to Finding Happiness at the Expense of Your Co-Workers

Thursday, February 1, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books; how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

Andy Rooney

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

George Bernard Shaw

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • A man broke a Guinness world record by walking barefoot on a 120-foot path of loose Legos. This beats the old record set by every dad getting up to use the bathroom at night. - Jimmy Fallon

Monday, January 29, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?

Scott Adams (“Dilbert” Creator)

Friday, January 26, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money?

John Barrymore

Thursday, January 25, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again."

Robin Williams

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Mark Twain

Monday, January 22, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Strange medical news from Pakistan. A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. ... In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.

Craig Kilborn

Friday, January 19, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • During a political protest on Capitol Hill today, 82 rabbis were arrested. It’s the first time D.C. police have dispersed a crowd by spraying them with bacon bits. - Conan O’Brien

Thursday, January 18, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

George Carlin

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • On Saturday the word s***hole was projected on to Trump’s D.C. hotel. It got even worse when Motel 6 sued them for copyright infringement. - Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" creator)

Monday, January 15, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Oscar Wilde

Friday, January 12, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • I saw that Princess Charlotte went to her first day of nursery school yesterday. It was a little intimidating for the other kids – like for "Show and Tell," she brought Scotland. - Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, January 11, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

  • This is our first show of the New Year after the holidays. We’re very happy to be back. We actually would have come back last week but marijuana was just legalized here in California so … you know.       James Corden

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Henny Youngman

Monday, January 8, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I'm always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'

Sydney J. Harris

Friday, January 5, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Navjot Singh Sidhu

Thursday, January 4, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Homer Simpson

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Groucho Marx

Monday, January 1, 2018

A Touch Of Humor

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Abraham Lincoln