Monday, July 6, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Murderers! Stop murdering. Everyone will die eventually. Just sit down and be patient.”
― Russell Brand

Friday, July 3, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

On some great and glorious day, the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

H.L. Mencken (1880 - 1956) (Renowned Journalist, Satirist, Scholar)

Thursday, July 2, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The other day I was sure the aliens had implanted a tracking device in me. But it just turned out to be a lose Frito in my underwear. Now I have to figure out why the aliens are putting Frito's in my underwear.

Karen Rontowski

Wednesday, July 1, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Humor from my friend Tom Brown:

As part of my annual physical, I had my hearing tested today, and it reminded me of the old fellow who was talking to his neighbor telling him about the new hearing aid he just received. “It cost a fortune, but it was worth it. It works perfectly.”

“Really?” said the neighbor, “what kind is it?”

“Ten-thirty.”

Tuesday, June 30, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I saw this guy talking about global warming ... But he said we have to do something to stop cow flatulence. And I said to myself, I can't even stop my own flatulence.

Jay Leno

Monday, June 29, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

IF ONLY:
Closed Minds
Came With Closed Mouths.

Unknown Author, Quote from my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page

Friday, June 26, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.”
― H.L. Mencken, Minority Report (1880 - 1956) (Renowned Journalist, Satirist, Scholar)

Thursday, June 25, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I watched Dr. Fauci on TV and he said this virus is a war and we have to fight it like war. I feel like a prisoner of war in my own home. It’s the only war when the war is over the prisoners are fatter than when the war began.

Jay Leno

Wednesday, June 24, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there” 
― Scott Adams (Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip)

Tuesday, June 23, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. - Mark Twain

Monday, June 22, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The other day I was in my bank. They got signs all over there, ‘In this bank you have a friend.’ Last month I was two payments behind. My friend took away my car.

Rodney Dangerfield

Friday, June 19, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[A 98-year-old man at the DMV with his great-granddaughters, renewing his license] He goes, "Girls, did you mark me down as a donor?"

Oh, that's a real old heart. Who draws the short straw on that operation. Oh, good news Bob! We found you a heart! Ah, bad news, you got two years to live.

Mary Mack

Thursday, June 18, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Pages of his previously unpublished notes show that Isaac Newton proposed curing plague with toad vomit using blended powdered toad with toad vomit to form “lozenges… “

To which 17th century England said, “We’ll stick with the plague.”

Stephen Colbert

Wednesday, June 17, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The problem for me with Hydroxychloroquine is I think it's a gateway drug for Lysol.

Jay Leno

Tuesday, June 16, 2020

Monday, June 15, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I married a tough one. Tami is a tough, tough woman. First thing she did when we got married was take my spine away from me. She did. She keeps it in her purse. It's handy in case I have to do something manly. At 3 o'clock in the morning, [she says] "I heard a noise. Here's your spine. Go down and see what it is."

Jeff Allen

Friday, June 12, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

It’s good to see that in Georgia things are becoming normal again. And when I say becoming normal I mean being able to get a tattoo of Jesus wrestling a snake.

Bill Maher

Thursday, June 11, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Las Vegas Reopening] Going to a casino during the pandemic is that gray area between regular roulette and the Russian kind.

Jimmy Kimmel

Wednesday, June 10, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The Department of Agriculture announced last week that a dog in New York had tested positive for the coronavirus. Ah, that’s too bad said the cat who coughed on him.

Seth Meyers

Tuesday, June 9, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

It's turning ugly in Beverly Hills. It's got nothing to do with the coronavirus. It's just the Botox is wearing off.

Jay Leno

Monday, June 8, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

If you see me talking to myself, please go your way.
   I'm self employed and having a staff meeting.

Author Unknown (Courtesy, April Pitcairn on Facebook)

Friday, June 5, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

Emo Phillips

Thursday, June 4, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. - Steven Wright

Wednesday, June 3, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Pandemic Stay-At-Home Order] For me it's got some advantages. Like tonight I'll say to my wife, honey I'd love to take you to that new vegan restaurant. But it's against the law!

Jay Leno

Tuesday, June 2, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Californians, we miss our gyms. Not the workouts so much, the staring at yourself in the mirror part.

Bill Maher

Monday, June 1, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

In Las Vegas several big hotels on the strip are slated to be up and running starting a week from tomorrow but with safety measures in place. Casinos will now be offering no contact curbside delivery which means you can drop off your money and then drive away without ever having to go inside to lose.

Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, May 29, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

In Los Angeles, the mayor Eric Garcetti announced that as of today all retail businesses are allowed to let customers in provided they take the necessary precautions. And if it goes as they hope it will, they’re saying curbside Botox injections could start up again as soon as next week.

Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, May 28, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does --- except wrinkles. It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place.”
― Dear Abby (Advice Columnist)

Wednesday, May 27, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir" without  adding, 'You're making a scene.' "

Homer Simpson

Tuesday, May 26, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.” 
― George Bernard Shaw

Monday, May 25, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Conan O'Brien

Friday, May 22, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Dating Over Age 40] I'm a single guy, I'm single and I just turned 50, which means I'm ready to cut a deal. If you have a nut-job sister-in-law you're trying to shove off on someone - I'll take a look! Whenever I say that, men laugh and women go - "What about Carol?"

Joe DeVito

Thursday, May 21, 2020

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I stayed in a horrible hotel. My dog jumped off the bed and rubbed his butt on the rug. And all I could think was now I gotta wash his butt.

Karen Rontowski

Tuesday, May 19, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”
― Ann Landers (Advice Columnist)

Monday, May 18, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Steven Wright

Friday, May 15, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I love boxer briefs now. And guys if you're thinking about making the switch, couple of words of warning. 1st of all never wash them in hot water or dry them on the high setting on your dryer. I have a couple of pairs of those where my butt hangs out the bottom. I look like a Hooters waitress when I walk around the house.

Drew Barth

Thursday, May 14, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

Emo Philips

Wednesday, May 13, 2020

A Touch Of Humor - Homer Simpson - The Flintstones

"If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement."

Homer Simpson

Tuesday, May 12, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

For the first time in history, walking into a bank WITHOUT a mask on causes more panic than walking in WITH one on.

Author Unknown - From my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page

Monday, May 11, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"They misunderestimated me."
—President George W. Bush, on being underestimated, Nov. 6, 2000

Friday, May 8, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Rodney Dangerfield

Thursday, May 7, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A lot of people don't believe in anti-depressants. But for a while my mom was taking 'em and I felt great!

Mary Mack

Wednesday, May 6, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A successful politician is someone gifted at telling tall tales and convincing others that they’re true.

Anonymous

Tuesday, May 5, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Me carrying a briefcase is like a hot-dog wearing earrings.

Sparky Anderson (Former Baseball Manager, Coach and Player)

Monday, May 4, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
― Ann Landers (Advice Columnist)

Friday, May 1, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule—and both commonly succeed, and are right.”
― H. L. Mencken, Minority Report (1880 - 1956) (Renowned Journalist, Satirist, Scholar)

Thursday, April 30, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

Charlie Brown ("Peanuts" comic strip)

A Touch Of Humor

You can always tell when [someone's] well informed. [Their] views are pretty much like your own.

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Wednesday, April 29, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Why do things that only happen to stupid people keep happening to me?” 
― Homer Simpson

Tuesday, April 28, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Differences between men and women] Ladies, if you're married you know you've tried to throw your husband's underwear away and you know they were in the trash can. And the next thing you know, they're back in their drawers. See it doesn't matter to us how many holes are in it as long as the elastic at the top still works. If it snaps back, doggone it, it's a pair.

Steve Geyer

Monday, April 27, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

All criminals are not that smart. I heard about this guy in L.A., got in a car accident, hit a cop car, and then fled on foot and got hit by a train.

I know, I thought, Dude, how bad are your observation skills? You know? Even Stevie Wonder would have missed the train!

And then I thought the funniest thing was, you know, after he hit the cop car, he had to be thinking to himself, "Man, that's the worst thing that could have happened to me today." Pow! "I stand corrected."

Karen Rontowski

Thursday, April 23, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Having some states lock down and some states not lock down is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

m.imgur.com (Courtesy of my friend Tom Brown on his Facebook Page)

Wednesday, April 22, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Tammy is dieting now. That means I’m dieting. That’s the rules. You honor your wife. She wants to diet, I’m dieting. She’s on keto now. We’ve tried pelio, we tried Atkins, now we’re on keto. She wants to get into ketosis. That’s fine with me. I got cookies at my office in the basement.

Jeff Allen

Tuesday, April 21, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, ' Yes, but not in a row.'

Steven Wright

Monday, April 20, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

You guys can tell I got the Wisconsin accent, don’t ya? I know. It’s not a romantic way to talk. It’s very nasally. I use it for birth control.

Rob Brackenridge
Note: These quotes are exact, but I changed the order slightly.

Friday, April 17, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Dear Reader: I'm 75-years-of-age, and I would like to share some old age humor from my friend Ben Haney:

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy [lady] catches your fancy and your pace-maker opens the garage door.

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Thursday, April 16, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

So many people these days are too judgmental.

I can tell just by looking at them.

Author Unknown - From my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational
things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the
principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.” 
― Scott Adams (Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip)

Tuesday, April 14, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Remember when you used to wish the weekends would last forever … How do you like it now!

Author Unknown - Humor courtesy of my brother-in-law Ed Houston.

Monday, April 13, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[To keep the peace in his marriage] "I'm never going to ask my wife where she wants to go for dinner. Whenever I do [it] ruins the night. We just get into a fight. So men, I started doing this. When I get home, I find my wife. I go up to her and I excitedly say, 'Hey, guess where I'm taking you for dinner tonight!' And whatever she says, that's where we go.

Ricky Glore

Friday, April 10, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[On being a bad student] One time when I was a little kid I got an F on my report card, and I changed it before I got home. I was stupid and I got caught. I should have changed it to a B but changed it to an F-plus. I was trying to pull my average up a little bit.

Dennis Regan

Thursday, April 9, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[After 32-years of marriage] We try [to be romantic]! We just know how much time and energy it actually takes and we prefer to watch Law & Order.

Jeff Allen

Wednesday, April 8, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"It’s so simple to be wise… just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it."

Homer Simpson

Tuesday, April 7, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

On my wedding day, my father said to me, "Before you argue with your new wife ... take some time, step back and ask yourself 2-questions: Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy." Then he broke down and sobbed right in front of me. I had no idea what that man was talking about. 32-years later I can tell you this - I'm a happy, happy, happy man. [And] I haven't been right in 12-years now.

Jeff Allen

Monday, April 6, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”– Dave Barry

Friday, April 3, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."

Mitch Hedberg

Thursday, April 2, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Applying for a mortgage to buy a house] It's a lot of work. They ask you so many questions, like - "Oh hey did you happen to apply for a Visa Card in 1999 at 7-Eleven so you could get half-off on a salted nut roll?" You can't lie, it's a federal offense. So you have to be like - I remember getting a good deal on a salted nut roll one time. [Pause] And then you don't get the house. That's how it works.

Mary Mack

Wednesday, April 1, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Steven Wright

Tuesday, March 31, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“I like threesomes with two women, not because I'm a cynical sexual predator. Oh no! But because I'm a romantic. I'm looking for "The One." And I'll find her more quickly if I audition two at a time.”
― Russell Brand

Monday, March 30, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"To those who are complaining about the quarantine period and curfews, just remember that your grandparents were called to war; you are being called to sit on the couch and watch Netflix. You can do this."

Author Unknown - Thank you to my friend Ben Haney for sharing this with us.

Saturday, March 28, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[With his now ex-girlfriend] We were in this kind of weird where is this going kind of place. And then we were sitting on the couch watching TV. And one of those De Beers diamond commercials comes on. And it used to end with, "A diamond is forever." And the girl I was dating looked over at me and she was like, "You know a diamond is forever." And I was like, "I know. So is Styrofoam."

Drew Barth

Thursday, March 26, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Mark Twain

Wednesday, March 25, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Nostalgia for the 1800's] "You want to go to the good old days? They didn't know how to do anything back then. Nothing! You ever see the first bicycle ever made? I don't know how to make anything. But I know you don't take the smallest wheel you can find and put that in the back. And the biggest wheel on earth and put that up front!"

Tom Papa

Tuesday, March 24, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A group of sheep in Northern Ireland recently crashed through the window of a local bank and wandered around the office. When asked how many sheep were in there, the bank employees fell asleep.

Seth Meyers

Monday, March 23, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I'm not good with people. I saw a lady recently crying in the middle of the aisle at Target. Just in the middle of an ugly crying. Hard crying. OK. And I thought, 'Oh no, I should do something.' I got myself ready. She's crying so hard and I'm like, 'Excuse me mam. I think you need to be in a Walmart right now.' I nailed that interaction.

Shayne Smith

Friday, March 20, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

To go to the grocery store, they said a mask and gloves were enough .... they lied ..... everybody else had clothes on!

Author Unknown - From my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page.

Thursday, March 19, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers and accountants. Sorry kids, even ISIS says they're not hiring liberal arts majors.

Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Steven Wright

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

My wife and I are trying to be pretty healthy. Last year we decided to go gluten free, because we like food but we wanted to pay more for it.

Drew Barth

Monday, March 16, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

Elayne Boosler

Friday, March 13, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."  -- Mark Twain

Thursday, March 12, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Dave Barry

Wednesday, March 11, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"Well, I learned a lot...I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You'd be surprised. They're all individual countries."
—President Ronald Reagan

Tuesday, March 10, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

SAVE THE EARTH, IT’S THE ONLY PLANET WITH CHOCOLATE.

Author Unknown. From my friend Tom Brown’s Facebook Page

Monday, March 9, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

An Ohio man is attempting to break a world record by drinking only beer during Lent. If you’re wondering what he’s giving up, I’m guessing custody.

Seth Meyers

Friday, March 6, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire. It'll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Let me tell you how bad my day was. My kids were so bad at Walmart today, I actually pulled a fly swatter off the shelf and I spanked them. And just as the fly swatter hit their little butts I thought - I don't have kids.

Karen Rontowski

Wednesday, March 4, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuality. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Leave these f**king people alone for Christ's sake. Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion."  -- George Carlin

Tuesday, March 3, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Rodney Dangerfield

Monday, March 2, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Steven Wright

Friday, February 28, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The Lord gave us two ends - one to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.

Ann Landers

Thursday, February 27, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.

Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, February 26, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

CZWIXNOSTACZ

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Author Unknown, From my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

Erma Bombeck

Monday, February 24, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I don't think I should be allowed on the Internet. The other day I was watching Netflix and that sign came up. You know the one that says your credit card is about to expire. So now I have to figure out how to tell my neighbor her credit card is about to expire.

Karen Rontowski

Friday, February 21, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
—Dan Quayle, former U.S Vice President

Thursday, February 20, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children

Phyllis Diller

Wednesday, February 19, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass."  -- Mark Twain

Tuesday, February 18, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Author Unknown. Shared by my friend Tom Brown on his Facebook Page

Monday, February 17, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

Thursday, February 13, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"And then I was in Reno, Nevada. Very exciting when I was in Reno! The police went on the news, they were looking for a woman who had stolen a baby out of the hospital. And they described her as being over 400 pounds and wearing hot pink stretch pants. And immediately my heart went out to the pants."

Karen Rontowski

Wednesday, February 12, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

Mitch Hedberg

Tuesday, February 11, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

George Carlin

Monday, February 10, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England."

Homer Simpson

Saturday, February 8, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.

Conan O’Brien

Thursday, February 6, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.”
― Larry David

Wednesday, February 5, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.” 
― Scott Adams, Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland (Creator of the Dilbert comic strip, Bestselling Comedy Writer)

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.” – Jim Rohn

Monday, February 3, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

State lawmakers in Kentucky have proposed a bill that would require schools to start teaching Sex Ed in kindergarten. Said a Kentucky first grader, “Oh man that really would have been helpful before my wedding night.“

Seth Meyers

Friday, January 31, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Steve Martin: I found this very touching. Meghan Markle on the Queen‘s 93rd birthday gave her an engraved bracelet.

Stephen Colbert: Oh that’s lovely. What did it say?

Steve Martin: It said, Do Not Resuscitate!

Thursday, January 30, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around."

Homer Simpson 

Wednesday, January 29, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The Circle Of Life


From Tom Brown’s Facebook Page. Thank you, Tom. 

A Touch Of Humor

I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages. That's a lot of coloring when you think about it.

Adam Sandler

Tuesday, January 28, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"A new poll has found that Bernie Sanders is the most likable of all the presidential candidates. Which, let's face it, is kind of like being the best-dressed person at Wal-Mart." –Seth Meyers

Monday, January 27, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.”
― Bob Newhart

Friday, January 24, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Here's something to remember
when you bake a birthday cake ...
"A birthday cake made of beans will blow out its own candles."

Author Unknown

Quote from my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page.

Thursday, January 23, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"Jesus was a pot-head - long hair, beard, sandals, carpenter - do the math it all ads up. Living with twelve guys with no visible means of support."

Ralphie May

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.”
― Larry David

Tuesday, January 21, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield

Monday, January 20, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else." - Will Rogers

Friday, January 17, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Phyllis Diller

Thursday, January 16, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"Bernie Sanders says his campaign is trying to appeal now to senior citizens. The problem is, every time Bernie says, 'Feel the Bern,' the seniors think he's talking about acid re-flux." –Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, January 14, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"America’s health care system is second only to Japan… Canada, Sweden, Great Britain… well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay!"

Homer Simpson

Monday, January 13, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."

Mitch Hedberg

Friday, January 10, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“The play was a great success, but (the) audience was a dismal failure.” 
― George Bernard Shaw (Renowned Playwright)

Thursday, January 9, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Robbers broke into The Gap over the weekend. The suspects are described as being armed and casual.

David Letterman

Wednesday, January 8, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A group of protesters who are unhappy at the rapid expansion of Starbucks have been repeatedly smashing the windows of a Starbucks store in Maine. Customers say it's been really inconvenient because, several times now, they've had to use the Starbucks across the street.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

My wife was afraid of the dark ... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Rodney Dangerfield


Tuesday, January 7, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The Lord gave us Two Ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.

Ann Landers

Monday, January 6, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Looking back on 2019]In other presidential action, Trump travels to England, where, in his role as leader of the United States on an official visit to America’s greatest ally at a critical time, he attacks ... Bette Midler. In a tweet emitted at 1:30 a.m. London time, the president describes Ms. Midler as a “Washed up psycho.” Fox News confirms this.

Dave Barry (Pulitzer Prize winning humor columnist and author)

Friday, January 3, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Looking back on 2019] The higher education community is rocked by scandal when federal prosecutors charge 50 people, including test administrators, wealthy parents and college coaches, in connection with a widespread bribery and fraud scheme to get students admitted to some of the nation’s most prestigious universities. In one particularly egregious case, Yale admitted Trevor Buncombe-Plotzner IV, who supposedly was recruited to play varsity badminton, despite the facts that (A) Yale does not have a varsity badminton team and (B) Trevor is a cat.

Dave Barry (Pulitzer Prize winning humor columnist and author)

Thursday, January 2, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Looking back on 2019] In sports, the New England Patriots, led by 63-year-old Tom Brady, defeat the Los Angeles Rams, 13-3, in a Super Bowl featuring one touchdown and 14 punts. During the national anthem, TV cameras clearly capture Patriots coach Bill Belichick pouring liquid from a bottle labeled “SEDATIVES” into the Rams’ Gatorade, but the NFL referee crew fails to notice. Asked about this after the game, Commissioner Roger Goodell says, “To be honest, I was watching Netflix.”

Dave Barry (Pulitzer Prize winning humor columnist and author)

A Touch Of Humor

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

Steven Wright

Wednesday, January 1, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Looking back on 2019] Winter storms blast the Midwest, causing havoc in Iowa as snowdrifts close major highways and strand hundreds of Democratic presidential contenders in rural communities with limited supplies of voters. In one harrowing incident, a farmer and his family are trapped inside their home for six hours while Cory Booker pounds on the front door, demanding to be let in so he can outline his plan to reduce income inequality. “We tried to escape by the back door,” the farmer later tells reporters, “but Amy Klobuchar was waiting out there with a seven-point program to rebuild America’s infrastructure.”

Dave Barry (Pulitzer Prize winning humor columnist and author)