Thursday, October 22, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

  “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”

 - Ellen DeGeneres

Wednesday, October 21, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

 “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”

- Jack Handey

Tuesday, October 20, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

  “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”

 - Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls

Monday, October 19, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

 “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.”

 - President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove

Friday, October 16, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Thank You Notes: Thank you, knowing there was a mosquito in my bedroom for providing me with a fun night of randomly slapping myself.

Jimmy Fallon 

Thursday, October 15, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I've been spending a lot of time in L.A. cause I was sick of people appreciating me for what's on the inside.

Mary Mack

Wednesday, October 14, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“New Rule: If an Evangelical tries to use Halloween to pimp Jesus to kids, they get to egg his house. On Halloween, the president of the American Family Association urged his flock to hand out a Christian-based comic book instead of candy. Excuse me, Halloween isn't a time to push your beliefs. You don't see me handing out pot to kids...Okay, well not the little kids.” 

Tuesday, October 13, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.”

H.L. Mencken, On Politics: A Carnival of Buncombe (1880 - 1956) (Renowned Journalist, Satirist, Scholar)

Monday, October 12, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I saw that Apple is now involved in a pretty interesting lawsuit. Listen to this: [WMTW TV - “Apple is suing a former recycling partner in Canada for allegedly not doing its job. Apple claims the recycling company actually resold more than 100,000 iPhones, iPads and Apple Watches that they were supposed to destroy.”]  Apple was like, hey reselling the same phone over and over is our thing.  

Jimmy Fallon

Friday, October 9, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

Rodney Dangerfield

Thursday, October 8, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The White House and The CDC have been clashing over how to handle cruise lines during the pandemic. [NBC: “The CDC is extending its ban on cruising from US ports thru the end of this month (October). Axios is reporting The CDC’s director wanted to extend the order until February but Vice President Pence overruled him.”] Even the cruise ships know it’s a bad idea. For a 6 day trip they tell you to pack for 9 months.

Jimmy Fallon

Wednesday, October 7, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

When I was a kid, nobody was nice! [When] I was six years old I found out there was no such thing as Alpo baby food. I mean nobody was nice! My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

Rodney Dangerfield

Tuesday, October 6, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel.”

Homer Simpson

Monday, October 5, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

HLN news report: “Foot Locker is turning thousands of their stores into voter registration sites, just six weeks before the election.“

It’s perfect cause when a fight breaks out, there will be four people dressed like referees to handle it.

Jimmy Fallon

Friday, October 2, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“America’s health care system is second only to Japan… Canada, Sweden, Great Britain… well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay!”

Homer Simpson

Thursday, October 1, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

Emo Phillips

Wednesday, September 30, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Doritos has launched a new flavor called 'Twisted Lime,' despite promising back in 2016 not to release any new flavors in the last year of a president's term.

Seth Meyers

Tuesday, September 29, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[From the smokey California air] Last night I heard the coyotes outside my window. They were coughing at the moon.

Bill Maher

Monday, September 28, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

It’s 38 days before the election. It feels less like an election and more like a going out of business sale.

Bill Maher

Friday, September 25, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

New Rule: The veterinarians at a Polish zoo who say they’ve been conducting a study of the stress relieving affect of marijuana on elephants have to admit what really happened. You’re high and someone said, ‘let’s get the elephants stoned’ and you did!

Bill Maher

Thursday, September 24, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Simpson Marriage Counseling Session:

Homer: Marge, this is embarrassing. We don’t need counseling.

Marge: We do need counseling. I’m carrying a lot of anger!

Homer: Just do what I do. Come home and have a hot dinner waiting for you.

Wednesday, September 23, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

 


From Tom Brown's Facebook feed. Thanks Tom!


A Touch Of Humor

I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.

Billy Connolly

Tuesday, September 22, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.” 

Groucho Marx

Monday, September 21, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I went to the psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. 

I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

Author Unknown

Friday, September 18, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Here’s something kinda surprising. I hear that Oscar Mayer is offering up it’s iconic Wienermobile for peoples’ marriage proposals. Oscar Mayer says they’ll keep loaning it out until one of the proposals ends with a yes. 

Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, September 17, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Marge, don’t worry. It’s like when we stopped paying the phone bill. They stopped calling us. In fact everyone did.”

Homer Simpson

Wednesday, September 16, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don’t actually believe in fossils.”

Ricky Gervais

Tuesday, September 15, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?”

Billy Connolly

Monday, September 14, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

As CBD (marijuana) continues to become more and more popular, an unlikely celebrity has launched her own line. That’s right, Martha Stewart is launching her own CBD line. Even crazier, Snoop Dogg is launching his own line of table cloths and pie tins.

Jimmy Fallon

Friday, September 11, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

 "I was looking at a box of Hot Pockets. They have a warning printed on the side. It said, 'Warning! You just bought Hot Pockets!'"

 - Jim Gaffigan

Thursday, September 10, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

When I was a kid, the biggest food thing that happened to me is when they invented the Pop Tart! The back of my head blew right off! We couldn’t comprehend the Pop Tart it was too advanced!

Breakfast super scientists conceiving of a frosted fruit filled heap of rectangles in the same shape as the box it comes in. And with the same nutrition as the box it comes in too.

And they can’t go stale cause they were never fresh!

 Jerry Seinfeld

Wednesday, September 9, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money?”

Homer Simpson

Tuesday, September 8, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today its open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Dave Barry

Monday, September 7, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I never made 'Who's Who,' but I'm featured in 'What's That'

Phyllis Diller

Friday, September 4, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Here’s your Quarantine Tip of the day: Now that movie theaters are starting to open up again, you gotta stay safe. So please, make sure to get the extra large popcorn, the extra large candy and the extra large drink. Covid can’t get you if diabetes kills you first! 

Trevor Noah

Thursday, September 3, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A Urologist's office teleconference

My Urologist's office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone due to the coronavirus.  One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was instructed (via email) to administer my own urine test.  This was to avoid those lab tests and costly co-pays that your doctor's tell you to get, and because they're shutdown too. 

Directions: 

Simply go outside and pee on the front lawn. 

If ant's gather:  DIABETES. 

If you pee on your feet:  PROSTATE. 

If it smells like a barbecue:  CHOLESTEROL. 

If your wrist hurts when you shake it:  OSTEOARTHRITIS. 

If you return to your house with your unit  outside your pants: 

ALZHEIMER'S.

(Author Unknown)

Wednesday, September 2, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

George Burns 

Tuesday, September 1, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A mock FOX News crawl on "The Simpsons": "Pointless news crawls up at 37 percent. ... Do Democrats cause cancer? Find out at Foxnews.com. ... Rupert Murdoch: Terrific Dancer. ... Dow down 5000 points. ... Study: 92 percent of Democrats are gay. ... JFK posthumously joins Republican Party. ... Oil slicks found to keep seals young, supple.

Monday, August 31, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

Mitch Hedberg

Friday, August 28, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

This is interesting! It’s only August but check out what’s already showing up in stores. “We’re still in summer but Halloween candy displays have arrived even earlier this year.” [CNN] Why do we ever need Halloween this year? Every day we’re walking around in a mask completely terrified.

Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, August 27, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world ... perhaps you've seen it.

Steven Wright

Wednesday, August 26, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Socrates (Renowned Ancient Greek Philosopher)

Tuesday, August 25, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Why are your friends so annoying? The people you have chosen to be with in life. It makes no sense. You’d get rid of all of them in a second if it wasn’t a bigger pain in the ass to find new people, learn about their annoying problems that they never do anything about. Change the names and numbers in your phone, delete the old contacts. Ah the hell with it! I’ll ride it out with these idiots.

 Jerry Seinfeld

Monday, August 24, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

Dave Barry

Friday, August 21, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I hear YouTube, Twitter and Facebook are merging to form a super Social Media site - YouTwitFace.

Conan O'Brien

Thursday, August 20, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A lot of people around my age [65] like to make a Bucket List. I made a Bucket List and I turned the B to an F and I was done with that too.

Jerry Seinfeld

Wednesday, August 19, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

This is crazy. We can’t send in mail in ballots? Meanwhile Americans can get drunk, go on Amazon and eight hours later there’s a new pair of sunglasses for their ferret waiting at the front door.

Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, August 18, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Humor courtesy of my fellow senior citizen, Tom Brown (Author Unknown)

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”
“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you can’t even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.
“No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
“Do you have trouble crapping?”
“No, I crap every morning at 6:30.”
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”

Monday, August 17, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I get no respect here in California either. I’ll tell you that - I got stuck the other day. I told them I wanted to go sightseeing. They took me on a tour of all the extra’s [non-stars] houses.

Rodney Dangerfield

Friday, August 14, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Let’s get to some business news as movie theaters across the country attempt to reopen. AMC has come up with a way to bring customers back. Listen to this: “AMC has announced it is re-opening it’s theaters next week and tickets will be just 15 cents on the reopening day.” [News Report] Yep! For 15 cents you can spend two hours in full panic wondering if it was worth it.

Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, August 13, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A successful politician is someone gifted at telling tall tales and convincing others they’re true.

With Love To All - Dick

Wednesday, August 12, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Well guys, here’s some big news! It was announced today that there’s a new vaccine to treat the coronavirus!

Sort of!

Russia now claims to have a coronavirus vaccine, which is great. Because if there’s one thing I know about Russia they never lie about drug tests.

Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, August 11, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Covid is causing drama in America’s proud naked community because now “… nudist resorts … are ... requiring masks.” [The Wall Street Journal]. I will say, if before all this you had told me nudists would be forced to cover up for public health – the mouth would not be the orifice I assume was the problem.”

Stephen Colbert

Monday, August 10, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“There are really only three types of people: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who say, What happened?”
― Ann Landers (Advice Columnist)

Friday, August 7, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

Emo Phillips

Thursday, August 6, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Humor courtesy of my friend Tom Brown
This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors.
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either."

Wednesday, August 5, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I don’t get no respect from anyone. Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, be quiet, you’ll wake up daddy.

Rodney Dangerfield

Tuesday, August 4, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Babies. Why are they here? They are here to replace us! That is their mission. Don’t you see what’s happening? They’re pushing us out! Their first words are mama, daddy and bye-bye.

Jerry Seinfeld

Monday, August 3, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Remember, if you don't sin, then Jesus died for nothing”
― Ricky Gervais 

Thursday, July 30, 2020

A Touch Of Humor


From Tom Brown's Facebook page

A Touch Of Humor

My dentist too, another beauty. My dentist! He found a new way to hide his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

Rodney Dangerfield

Wednesday, July 29, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever -- thy will be done.“

Homer Simpson

Tuesday, July 28, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. ”
― H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956) (Renowned Journalist, Satirist, Scholar)

Monday, July 27, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Asking a writer what he thinks about critics is like asking what a fire hydrant feels about dogs.”
― Ann Landers (Advice Columnist)

A Touch Of Humor

One of the masky come lately’s is Alabama Governor Kay Ivey. Governor Ivey has been holding out on masks but Alabama just hit their single day death record. Yesterday, Ivey issued a statewide mask order. And to make it more palatable to Alabama voters, the masks will be deep-fried.

Stephen Colbert

Friday, July 24, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Do you remember Trump’s border wall? For those of you who have always thought, it’s great but I wish there was a stupider version, you’re in luck!

[A group of Trump supporters raised $25 million and built a 3 mile stretch of wall.]

Unfortunately ... according to engineers … it never should have been built so close to the river ... [and] is ... in danger of falling into the Rio Grande ...

This ... wall was the brainchild of private contractor Tommy Fisher who said his wall would be the “Lamborghini” of walls ... And he’s got a point. When it falls down it will be moving much faster than walls usually do.

Stephen Colbert


Thursday, July 23, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

We call it a phone, we don’t even use it as a phone. Nobody is talking on the phone. Once they gave you the option, you could talk or you could type, talking on the phone is over! Talking is obsolete, it’s antiquated. I feel like a blacksmith up here [Performing on Stage] sometimes to tell you the truth. I can text you the whole thing and we could get the hell out of here right now!

 Jerry Seinfeld

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[On her husband proposing to her at a rest-stop] Ever since I've been a little girl, I've been like - please God, please let somebody ask me to marry him at a rest-stop. Please, please. And please let it be just after Labor Day so that all the Porta-Potties are overflowing, cause smell is the strongest memory scent.

Mary Mack

Monday, July 20, 2020

A Touch Of Humor


From Dick's friend, Tom Brown

A Touch Of Humor

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Phyllis Diller

Friday, July 17, 2020

A Touch Of Humor


I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my brother Francis, "That'll be us in ten years."

He turned to me and said, "That's a mirror, you moron."

Thursday, July 16, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Washington’s NFL Team announced today that they will officially retire the team’s name and logo. After completing a review of the name, said the owners, we realize now that the word Washington is offensive to most Americans.

Seth Meyers

Wednesday, July 15, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

And we know Trump wants to reopen the schools and this is surprising! He is not wrong to want that because according to experts:

“… during the first round of school closures, American children were set back, on average, by seven months in their reading and math learning…“ [New York Times]

We’re already seven months behind on math. If we fall another seven months behind, there will be no way to know how many months that is.

Stephen Colbert

Tuesday, July 14, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The Post Office

They always have an emotional and financial meltdown every 3 1/2 years, that their business model from 1630 isn’t working anymore.

I cannot understand how a 21st-century information system based on licking, walking and a random number of pennies [rate hikes] is struggling to compete.

 Jerry Seinfeld

Monday, July 13, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Conan O’Brien now broadcasting from the Largo Theater in Hollywood and not his home.

I’m doing this in the safest way possible. We have just very few crew-members working around me. Everyone is wearing masks, everyone is socially distanced and everyone has been tested. As an added precaution, it was my idea that all crew-members be sterilized. I was told this was not necessary but I really don’t want them having kids.

Friday, July 10, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

There is a theory that chocolate slows down the aging process. It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance?

Author Unknown

Posted from my friend Tom Brown’s Facebook Page. (Jon, Would you please post this with the most tempting picture of chocolate you can find. Thank you.)

Thursday, July 9, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

Emo Phillips

Wednesday, July 8, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Last week was a rough week for me. I broke up with my psychiatrist too. For the first time I told him I got suicidal tendencies. He told me from now on I have to pay him in advance.

Rodney Dangerfield

Tuesday, July 7, 2020

Monday, July 6, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Murderers! Stop murdering. Everyone will die eventually. Just sit down and be patient.”
― Russell Brand

Friday, July 3, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

On some great and glorious day, the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

H.L. Mencken (1880 - 1956) (Renowned Journalist, Satirist, Scholar)

Thursday, July 2, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The other day I was sure the aliens had implanted a tracking device in me. But it just turned out to be a lose Frito in my underwear. Now I have to figure out why the aliens are putting Frito's in my underwear.

Karen Rontowski

Wednesday, July 1, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Humor from my friend Tom Brown:

As part of my annual physical, I had my hearing tested today, and it reminded me of the old fellow who was talking to his neighbor telling him about the new hearing aid he just received. “It cost a fortune, but it was worth it. It works perfectly.”

“Really?” said the neighbor, “what kind is it?”

“Ten-thirty.”

Tuesday, June 30, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I saw this guy talking about global warming ... But he said we have to do something to stop cow flatulence. And I said to myself, I can't even stop my own flatulence.

Jay Leno

Monday, June 29, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

IF ONLY:
Closed Minds
Came With Closed Mouths.

Unknown Author, Quote from my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page

Friday, June 26, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.”
― H.L. Mencken, Minority Report (1880 - 1956) (Renowned Journalist, Satirist, Scholar)

Thursday, June 25, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I watched Dr. Fauci on TV and he said this virus is a war and we have to fight it like war. I feel like a prisoner of war in my own home. It’s the only war when the war is over the prisoners are fatter than when the war began.

Jay Leno

Wednesday, June 24, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there” 
― Scott Adams (Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip)

Tuesday, June 23, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. - Mark Twain

Monday, June 22, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The other day I was in my bank. They got signs all over there, ‘In this bank you have a friend.’ Last month I was two payments behind. My friend took away my car.

Rodney Dangerfield

Friday, June 19, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[A 98-year-old man at the DMV with his great-granddaughters, renewing his license] He goes, "Girls, did you mark me down as a donor?"

Oh, that's a real old heart. Who draws the short straw on that operation. Oh, good news Bob! We found you a heart! Ah, bad news, you got two years to live.

Mary Mack

Thursday, June 18, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Pages of his previously unpublished notes show that Isaac Newton proposed curing plague with toad vomit using blended powdered toad with toad vomit to form “lozenges… “

To which 17th century England said, “We’ll stick with the plague.”

Stephen Colbert

Wednesday, June 17, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The problem for me with Hydroxychloroquine is I think it's a gateway drug for Lysol.

Jay Leno

Tuesday, June 16, 2020

Monday, June 15, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I married a tough one. Tami is a tough, tough woman. First thing she did when we got married was take my spine away from me. She did. She keeps it in her purse. It's handy in case I have to do something manly. At 3 o'clock in the morning, [she says] "I heard a noise. Here's your spine. Go down and see what it is."

Jeff Allen

Friday, June 12, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

It’s good to see that in Georgia things are becoming normal again. And when I say becoming normal I mean being able to get a tattoo of Jesus wrestling a snake.

Bill Maher

Thursday, June 11, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Las Vegas Reopening] Going to a casino during the pandemic is that gray area between regular roulette and the Russian kind.

Jimmy Kimmel

Wednesday, June 10, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The Department of Agriculture announced last week that a dog in New York had tested positive for the coronavirus. Ah, that’s too bad said the cat who coughed on him.

Seth Meyers

Tuesday, June 9, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

It's turning ugly in Beverly Hills. It's got nothing to do with the coronavirus. It's just the Botox is wearing off.

Jay Leno

Monday, June 8, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

If you see me talking to myself, please go your way.
   I'm self employed and having a staff meeting.

Author Unknown (Courtesy, April Pitcairn on Facebook)

Friday, June 5, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

Emo Phillips

Thursday, June 4, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. - Steven Wright

Wednesday, June 3, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Pandemic Stay-At-Home Order] For me it's got some advantages. Like tonight I'll say to my wife, honey I'd love to take you to that new vegan restaurant. But it's against the law!

Jay Leno

Tuesday, June 2, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Californians, we miss our gyms. Not the workouts so much, the staring at yourself in the mirror part.

Bill Maher

Monday, June 1, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

In Las Vegas several big hotels on the strip are slated to be up and running starting a week from tomorrow but with safety measures in place. Casinos will now be offering no contact curbside delivery which means you can drop off your money and then drive away without ever having to go inside to lose.

Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, May 29, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

In Los Angeles, the mayor Eric Garcetti announced that as of today all retail businesses are allowed to let customers in provided they take the necessary precautions. And if it goes as they hope it will, they’re saying curbside Botox injections could start up again as soon as next week.

Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, May 28, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does --- except wrinkles. It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place.”
― Dear Abby (Advice Columnist)

Wednesday, May 27, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir" without  adding, 'You're making a scene.' "

Homer Simpson

Tuesday, May 26, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.” 
― George Bernard Shaw

Monday, May 25, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Conan O'Brien

Friday, May 22, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Dating Over Age 40] I'm a single guy, I'm single and I just turned 50, which means I'm ready to cut a deal. If you have a nut-job sister-in-law you're trying to shove off on someone - I'll take a look! Whenever I say that, men laugh and women go - "What about Carol?"

Joe DeVito

Thursday, May 21, 2020

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I stayed in a horrible hotel. My dog jumped off the bed and rubbed his butt on the rug. And all I could think was now I gotta wash his butt.

Karen Rontowski

Tuesday, May 19, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”
― Ann Landers (Advice Columnist)

Monday, May 18, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Steven Wright

Friday, May 15, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I love boxer briefs now. And guys if you're thinking about making the switch, couple of words of warning. 1st of all never wash them in hot water or dry them on the high setting on your dryer. I have a couple of pairs of those where my butt hangs out the bottom. I look like a Hooters waitress when I walk around the house.

Drew Barth

Thursday, May 14, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

Emo Philips

Wednesday, May 13, 2020

A Touch Of Humor - Homer Simpson - The Flintstones

"If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement."

Homer Simpson

Tuesday, May 12, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

For the first time in history, walking into a bank WITHOUT a mask on causes more panic than walking in WITH one on.

Author Unknown - From my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page

Monday, May 11, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"They misunderestimated me."
—President George W. Bush, on being underestimated, Nov. 6, 2000

Friday, May 8, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Rodney Dangerfield

Thursday, May 7, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A lot of people don't believe in anti-depressants. But for a while my mom was taking 'em and I felt great!

Mary Mack

Wednesday, May 6, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A successful politician is someone gifted at telling tall tales and convincing others that they’re true.

Anonymous

Tuesday, May 5, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Me carrying a briefcase is like a hot-dog wearing earrings.

Sparky Anderson (Former Baseball Manager, Coach and Player)

Monday, May 4, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
― Ann Landers (Advice Columnist)

Friday, May 1, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule—and both commonly succeed, and are right.”
― H. L. Mencken, Minority Report (1880 - 1956) (Renowned Journalist, Satirist, Scholar)

Thursday, April 30, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

Charlie Brown ("Peanuts" comic strip)

A Touch Of Humor

You can always tell when [someone's] well informed. [Their] views are pretty much like your own.

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Wednesday, April 29, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Why do things that only happen to stupid people keep happening to me?” 
― Homer Simpson

Tuesday, April 28, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Differences between men and women] Ladies, if you're married you know you've tried to throw your husband's underwear away and you know they were in the trash can. And the next thing you know, they're back in their drawers. See it doesn't matter to us how many holes are in it as long as the elastic at the top still works. If it snaps back, doggone it, it's a pair.

Steve Geyer

Monday, April 27, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

All criminals are not that smart. I heard about this guy in L.A., got in a car accident, hit a cop car, and then fled on foot and got hit by a train.

I know, I thought, Dude, how bad are your observation skills? You know? Even Stevie Wonder would have missed the train!

And then I thought the funniest thing was, you know, after he hit the cop car, he had to be thinking to himself, "Man, that's the worst thing that could have happened to me today." Pow! "I stand corrected."

Karen Rontowski

Thursday, April 23, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Having some states lock down and some states not lock down is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

m.imgur.com (Courtesy of my friend Tom Brown on his Facebook Page)

Wednesday, April 22, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Tammy is dieting now. That means I’m dieting. That’s the rules. You honor your wife. She wants to diet, I’m dieting. She’s on keto now. We’ve tried pelio, we tried Atkins, now we’re on keto. She wants to get into ketosis. That’s fine with me. I got cookies at my office in the basement.

Jeff Allen

Tuesday, April 21, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, ' Yes, but not in a row.'

Steven Wright

Monday, April 20, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

You guys can tell I got the Wisconsin accent, don’t ya? I know. It’s not a romantic way to talk. It’s very nasally. I use it for birth control.

Rob Brackenridge
Note: These quotes are exact, but I changed the order slightly.

Friday, April 17, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Dear Reader: I'm 75-years-of-age, and I would like to share some old age humor from my friend Ben Haney:

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy [lady] catches your fancy and your pace-maker opens the garage door.

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Thursday, April 16, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

So many people these days are too judgmental.

I can tell just by looking at them.

Author Unknown - From my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational
things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the
principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.” 
― Scott Adams (Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip)

Tuesday, April 14, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Remember when you used to wish the weekends would last forever … How do you like it now!

Author Unknown - Humor courtesy of my brother-in-law Ed Houston.

Monday, April 13, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[To keep the peace in his marriage] "I'm never going to ask my wife where she wants to go for dinner. Whenever I do [it] ruins the night. We just get into a fight. So men, I started doing this. When I get home, I find my wife. I go up to her and I excitedly say, 'Hey, guess where I'm taking you for dinner tonight!' And whatever she says, that's where we go.

Ricky Glore

Friday, April 10, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[On being a bad student] One time when I was a little kid I got an F on my report card, and I changed it before I got home. I was stupid and I got caught. I should have changed it to a B but changed it to an F-plus. I was trying to pull my average up a little bit.

Dennis Regan

Thursday, April 9, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[After 32-years of marriage] We try [to be romantic]! We just know how much time and energy it actually takes and we prefer to watch Law & Order.

Jeff Allen

Wednesday, April 8, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"It’s so simple to be wise… just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it."

Homer Simpson

Tuesday, April 7, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

On my wedding day, my father said to me, "Before you argue with your new wife ... take some time, step back and ask yourself 2-questions: Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy." Then he broke down and sobbed right in front of me. I had no idea what that man was talking about. 32-years later I can tell you this - I'm a happy, happy, happy man. [And] I haven't been right in 12-years now.

Jeff Allen

Monday, April 6, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”– Dave Barry

Friday, April 3, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."

Mitch Hedberg

Thursday, April 2, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Applying for a mortgage to buy a house] It's a lot of work. They ask you so many questions, like - "Oh hey did you happen to apply for a Visa Card in 1999 at 7-Eleven so you could get half-off on a salted nut roll?" You can't lie, it's a federal offense. So you have to be like - I remember getting a good deal on a salted nut roll one time. [Pause] And then you don't get the house. That's how it works.

Mary Mack

Wednesday, April 1, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Steven Wright

Tuesday, March 31, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“I like threesomes with two women, not because I'm a cynical sexual predator. Oh no! But because I'm a romantic. I'm looking for "The One." And I'll find her more quickly if I audition two at a time.”
― Russell Brand

Monday, March 30, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"To those who are complaining about the quarantine period and curfews, just remember that your grandparents were called to war; you are being called to sit on the couch and watch Netflix. You can do this."

Author Unknown - Thank you to my friend Ben Haney for sharing this with us.

Saturday, March 28, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[With his now ex-girlfriend] We were in this kind of weird where is this going kind of place. And then we were sitting on the couch watching TV. And one of those De Beers diamond commercials comes on. And it used to end with, "A diamond is forever." And the girl I was dating looked over at me and she was like, "You know a diamond is forever." And I was like, "I know. So is Styrofoam."

Drew Barth

Thursday, March 26, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Mark Twain

Wednesday, March 25, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Nostalgia for the 1800's] "You want to go to the good old days? They didn't know how to do anything back then. Nothing! You ever see the first bicycle ever made? I don't know how to make anything. But I know you don't take the smallest wheel you can find and put that in the back. And the biggest wheel on earth and put that up front!"

Tom Papa

Tuesday, March 24, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A group of sheep in Northern Ireland recently crashed through the window of a local bank and wandered around the office. When asked how many sheep were in there, the bank employees fell asleep.

Seth Meyers

Monday, March 23, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I'm not good with people. I saw a lady recently crying in the middle of the aisle at Target. Just in the middle of an ugly crying. Hard crying. OK. And I thought, 'Oh no, I should do something.' I got myself ready. She's crying so hard and I'm like, 'Excuse me mam. I think you need to be in a Walmart right now.' I nailed that interaction.

Shayne Smith

Friday, March 20, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

To go to the grocery store, they said a mask and gloves were enough .... they lied ..... everybody else had clothes on!

Author Unknown - From my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page.

Thursday, March 19, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers and accountants. Sorry kids, even ISIS says they're not hiring liberal arts majors.

Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Steven Wright

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

My wife and I are trying to be pretty healthy. Last year we decided to go gluten free, because we like food but we wanted to pay more for it.

Drew Barth

Monday, March 16, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

Elayne Boosler

Friday, March 13, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."  -- Mark Twain

Thursday, March 12, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Dave Barry

Wednesday, March 11, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"Well, I learned a lot...I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You'd be surprised. They're all individual countries."
—President Ronald Reagan

Tuesday, March 10, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

SAVE THE EARTH, IT’S THE ONLY PLANET WITH CHOCOLATE.

Author Unknown. From my friend Tom Brown’s Facebook Page

Monday, March 9, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

An Ohio man is attempting to break a world record by drinking only beer during Lent. If you’re wondering what he’s giving up, I’m guessing custody.

Seth Meyers

Friday, March 6, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire. It'll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Let me tell you how bad my day was. My kids were so bad at Walmart today, I actually pulled a fly swatter off the shelf and I spanked them. And just as the fly swatter hit their little butts I thought - I don't have kids.

Karen Rontowski

Wednesday, March 4, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuality. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Leave these f**king people alone for Christ's sake. Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion."  -- George Carlin

Tuesday, March 3, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Rodney Dangerfield

Monday, March 2, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Steven Wright

Friday, February 28, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The Lord gave us two ends - one to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.

Ann Landers

Thursday, February 27, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.

Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, February 26, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

CZWIXNOSTACZ

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Author Unknown, From my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

Erma Bombeck

Monday, February 24, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I don't think I should be allowed on the Internet. The other day I was watching Netflix and that sign came up. You know the one that says your credit card is about to expire. So now I have to figure out how to tell my neighbor her credit card is about to expire.

Karen Rontowski

Friday, February 21, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
—Dan Quayle, former U.S Vice President

Thursday, February 20, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children

Phyllis Diller

Wednesday, February 19, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass."  -- Mark Twain

Tuesday, February 18, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Author Unknown. Shared by my friend Tom Brown on his Facebook Page

Monday, February 17, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

Thursday, February 13, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"And then I was in Reno, Nevada. Very exciting when I was in Reno! The police went on the news, they were looking for a woman who had stolen a baby out of the hospital. And they described her as being over 400 pounds and wearing hot pink stretch pants. And immediately my heart went out to the pants."

Karen Rontowski

Wednesday, February 12, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

Mitch Hedberg

Tuesday, February 11, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

George Carlin

Monday, February 10, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England."

Homer Simpson

Saturday, February 8, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.

Conan O’Brien

Thursday, February 6, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.”
― Larry David

Wednesday, February 5, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.” 
― Scott Adams, Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland (Creator of the Dilbert comic strip, Bestselling Comedy Writer)

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.” – Jim Rohn

Monday, February 3, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

State lawmakers in Kentucky have proposed a bill that would require schools to start teaching Sex Ed in kindergarten. Said a Kentucky first grader, “Oh man that really would have been helpful before my wedding night.“

Seth Meyers

Friday, January 31, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Steve Martin: I found this very touching. Meghan Markle on the Queen‘s 93rd birthday gave her an engraved bracelet.

Stephen Colbert: Oh that’s lovely. What did it say?

Steve Martin: It said, Do Not Resuscitate!

Thursday, January 30, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around."

Homer Simpson 

Wednesday, January 29, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The Circle Of Life


From Tom Brown’s Facebook Page. Thank you, Tom. 

A Touch Of Humor

I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages. That's a lot of coloring when you think about it.

Adam Sandler

Tuesday, January 28, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"A new poll has found that Bernie Sanders is the most likable of all the presidential candidates. Which, let's face it, is kind of like being the best-dressed person at Wal-Mart." –Seth Meyers

Monday, January 27, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.”
― Bob Newhart

Friday, January 24, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Here's something to remember
when you bake a birthday cake ...
"A birthday cake made of beans will blow out its own candles."

Author Unknown

Quote from my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page.

Thursday, January 23, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"Jesus was a pot-head - long hair, beard, sandals, carpenter - do the math it all ads up. Living with twelve guys with no visible means of support."

Ralphie May

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.”
― Larry David

Tuesday, January 21, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield

Monday, January 20, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else." - Will Rogers

Friday, January 17, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Phyllis Diller

Thursday, January 16, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"Bernie Sanders says his campaign is trying to appeal now to senior citizens. The problem is, every time Bernie says, 'Feel the Bern,' the seniors think he's talking about acid re-flux." –Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, January 14, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"America’s health care system is second only to Japan… Canada, Sweden, Great Britain… well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay!"

Homer Simpson

Monday, January 13, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."

Mitch Hedberg

Friday, January 10, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“The play was a great success, but (the) audience was a dismal failure.” 
― George Bernard Shaw (Renowned Playwright)

Thursday, January 9, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Robbers broke into The Gap over the weekend. The suspects are described as being armed and casual.

David Letterman

Wednesday, January 8, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A group of protesters who are unhappy at the rapid expansion of Starbucks have been repeatedly smashing the windows of a Starbucks store in Maine. Customers say it's been really inconvenient because, several times now, they've had to use the Starbucks across the street.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

My wife was afraid of the dark ... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Rodney Dangerfield


Tuesday, January 7, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The Lord gave us Two Ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.

Ann Landers

Monday, January 6, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Looking back on 2019]In other presidential action, Trump travels to England, where, in his role as leader of the United States on an official visit to America’s greatest ally at a critical time, he attacks ... Bette Midler. In a tweet emitted at 1:30 a.m. London time, the president describes Ms. Midler as a “Washed up psycho.” Fox News confirms this.

Dave Barry (Pulitzer Prize winning humor columnist and author)

Friday, January 3, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Looking back on 2019] The higher education community is rocked by scandal when federal prosecutors charge 50 people, including test administrators, wealthy parents and college coaches, in connection with a widespread bribery and fraud scheme to get students admitted to some of the nation’s most prestigious universities. In one particularly egregious case, Yale admitted Trevor Buncombe-Plotzner IV, who supposedly was recruited to play varsity badminton, despite the facts that (A) Yale does not have a varsity badminton team and (B) Trevor is a cat.

Dave Barry (Pulitzer Prize winning humor columnist and author)

Thursday, January 2, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Looking back on 2019] In sports, the New England Patriots, led by 63-year-old Tom Brady, defeat the Los Angeles Rams, 13-3, in a Super Bowl featuring one touchdown and 14 punts. During the national anthem, TV cameras clearly capture Patriots coach Bill Belichick pouring liquid from a bottle labeled “SEDATIVES” into the Rams’ Gatorade, but the NFL referee crew fails to notice. Asked about this after the game, Commissioner Roger Goodell says, “To be honest, I was watching Netflix.”

Dave Barry (Pulitzer Prize winning humor columnist and author)

A Touch Of Humor

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

Steven Wright

Wednesday, January 1, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Looking back on 2019] Winter storms blast the Midwest, causing havoc in Iowa as snowdrifts close major highways and strand hundreds of Democratic presidential contenders in rural communities with limited supplies of voters. In one harrowing incident, a farmer and his family are trapped inside their home for six hours while Cory Booker pounds on the front door, demanding to be let in so he can outline his plan to reduce income inequality. “We tried to escape by the back door,” the farmer later tells reporters, “but Amy Klobuchar was waiting out there with a seven-point program to rebuild America’s infrastructure.”

Dave Barry (Pulitzer Prize winning humor columnist and author)