Wednesday, February 26, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

CZWIXNOSTACZ

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Author Unknown, From my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

Erma Bombeck

Monday, February 24, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I don't think I should be allowed on the Internet. The other day I was watching Netflix and that sign came up. You know the one that says your credit card is about to expire. So now I have to figure out how to tell my neighbor her credit card is about to expire.

Karen Rontowski

Friday, February 21, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
—Dan Quayle, former U.S Vice President

Thursday, February 20, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children

Phyllis Diller

Wednesday, February 19, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass."  -- Mark Twain

Tuesday, February 18, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Author Unknown. Shared by my friend Tom Brown on his Facebook Page

Monday, February 17, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

Thursday, February 13, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"And then I was in Reno, Nevada. Very exciting when I was in Reno! The police went on the news, they were looking for a woman who had stolen a baby out of the hospital. And they described her as being over 400 pounds and wearing hot pink stretch pants. And immediately my heart went out to the pants."

Karen Rontowski

Wednesday, February 12, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

Mitch Hedberg

Tuesday, February 11, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

George Carlin

Monday, February 10, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England."

Homer Simpson

Saturday, February 8, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.

Conan O’Brien

Thursday, February 6, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.”
― Larry David

Wednesday, February 5, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.” 
― Scott Adams, Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland (Creator of the Dilbert comic strip, Bestselling Comedy Writer)

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.” – Jim Rohn

Monday, February 3, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

State lawmakers in Kentucky have proposed a bill that would require schools to start teaching Sex Ed in kindergarten. Said a Kentucky first grader, “Oh man that really would have been helpful before my wedding night.“

Seth Meyers

Friday, January 31, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Steve Martin: I found this very touching. Meghan Markle on the Queen‘s 93rd birthday gave her an engraved bracelet.

Stephen Colbert: Oh that’s lovely. What did it say?

Steve Martin: It said, Do Not Resuscitate!

Thursday, January 30, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around."

Homer Simpson 

Wednesday, January 29, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The Circle Of Life


From Tom Brown’s Facebook Page. Thank you, Tom. 

A Touch Of Humor

I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages. That's a lot of coloring when you think about it.

Adam Sandler

Tuesday, January 28, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"A new poll has found that Bernie Sanders is the most likable of all the presidential candidates. Which, let's face it, is kind of like being the best-dressed person at Wal-Mart." –Seth Meyers

Monday, January 27, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.”
― Bob Newhart

Friday, January 24, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Here's something to remember
when you bake a birthday cake ...
"A birthday cake made of beans will blow out its own candles."

Author Unknown

Quote from my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page.

Thursday, January 23, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"Jesus was a pot-head - long hair, beard, sandals, carpenter - do the math it all ads up. Living with twelve guys with no visible means of support."

Ralphie May

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.”
― Larry David

Tuesday, January 21, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield

Monday, January 20, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else." - Will Rogers

Friday, January 17, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Phyllis Diller

Thursday, January 16, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"Bernie Sanders says his campaign is trying to appeal now to senior citizens. The problem is, every time Bernie says, 'Feel the Bern,' the seniors think he's talking about acid re-flux." –Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, January 14, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"America’s health care system is second only to Japan… Canada, Sweden, Great Britain… well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay!"

Homer Simpson

Monday, January 13, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."

Mitch Hedberg

Friday, January 10, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“The play was a great success, but (the) audience was a dismal failure.” 
― George Bernard Shaw (Renowned Playwright)

Thursday, January 9, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Robbers broke into The Gap over the weekend. The suspects are described as being armed and casual.

David Letterman

Wednesday, January 8, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A group of protesters who are unhappy at the rapid expansion of Starbucks have been repeatedly smashing the windows of a Starbucks store in Maine. Customers say it's been really inconvenient because, several times now, they've had to use the Starbucks across the street.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

My wife was afraid of the dark ... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Rodney Dangerfield


Tuesday, January 7, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The Lord gave us Two Ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.

Ann Landers

Monday, January 6, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Looking back on 2019]In other presidential action, Trump travels to England, where, in his role as leader of the United States on an official visit to America’s greatest ally at a critical time, he attacks ... Bette Midler. In a tweet emitted at 1:30 a.m. London time, the president describes Ms. Midler as a “Washed up psycho.” Fox News confirms this.

Dave Barry (Pulitzer Prize winning humor columnist and author)

Friday, January 3, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Looking back on 2019] The higher education community is rocked by scandal when federal prosecutors charge 50 people, including test administrators, wealthy parents and college coaches, in connection with a widespread bribery and fraud scheme to get students admitted to some of the nation’s most prestigious universities. In one particularly egregious case, Yale admitted Trevor Buncombe-Plotzner IV, who supposedly was recruited to play varsity badminton, despite the facts that (A) Yale does not have a varsity badminton team and (B) Trevor is a cat.

Dave Barry (Pulitzer Prize winning humor columnist and author)

Thursday, January 2, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Looking back on 2019] In sports, the New England Patriots, led by 63-year-old Tom Brady, defeat the Los Angeles Rams, 13-3, in a Super Bowl featuring one touchdown and 14 punts. During the national anthem, TV cameras clearly capture Patriots coach Bill Belichick pouring liquid from a bottle labeled “SEDATIVES” into the Rams’ Gatorade, but the NFL referee crew fails to notice. Asked about this after the game, Commissioner Roger Goodell says, “To be honest, I was watching Netflix.”

Dave Barry (Pulitzer Prize winning humor columnist and author)

A Touch Of Humor

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

Steven Wright

Wednesday, January 1, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Looking back on 2019] Winter storms blast the Midwest, causing havoc in Iowa as snowdrifts close major highways and strand hundreds of Democratic presidential contenders in rural communities with limited supplies of voters. In one harrowing incident, a farmer and his family are trapped inside their home for six hours while Cory Booker pounds on the front door, demanding to be let in so he can outline his plan to reduce income inequality. “We tried to escape by the back door,” the farmer later tells reporters, “but Amy Klobuchar was waiting out there with a seven-point program to rebuild America’s infrastructure.”

Dave Barry (Pulitzer Prize winning humor columnist and author)