The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was no one on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.
temporarily pulled a New York zoo’s live stream of a giraffe giving birth,
after some complained that it was sexually explicit. I just want to say if
you are watching an animal give birth and you think this is way too sexy,
the problem is you.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
recent study found that the number of monarch butterflies migrating to
Mexico from the U.S. has dropped by 27 percent. Apparently the butterflies
are afraid if they go from the U.S. to Mexico, they won’t be allowed back
All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"
report finds that over 55,000 bridges in the U.S. were found to have major
structural problems last year. When asked how they’re going to fix them,
the government was like, “Eh, we’ll cross that gaping hole when we get to
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.
recently unveiled the Switch, a home video game console that you can
unplug and take whenever you go somewhere. When they heard this, hardcore
gamers said, “What do you mean — ‘go somewhere?’”
Stone just did a big profile on Vice President Mike Pence, and revealed
that Pence grew up with a cornfield in his backyard. I guess at times, he
even heard a voice coming from it that said, “If you build it ... Mexico
won’t pay for it.”
in Venezuela was arrested after she tried to break her boyfriend out of
jail by stuffing him in a bright pink suitcase, and rolling him out. She
almost got away with it, but when the guards asked her what’s in the
suitcase, the suitcase said, “Nothing.”
casts of “House of Cards,” “Veep,” and “Scandal” reportedly will not
attend the White House Correspondents Association dinner in April, to
protest President Trump. To protest the fact that he’s stealing all their
plot lines? “We have to write scripts and you are taking all the good
big story is Trump’s travel ban. Earlier today, he defended the ban by
saying, “Even a bad high school student would support it.” And Betsy DeVos
said, “And thanks to me, we’ll have plenty of those.”
the East Coast was hit with a major snowstorm and it forced New York City
public schools to close. When she heard that, new Education Secretary
Betsy DeVos was like, “Hey, my plan’s working already.”
I have just learned that penguins are monogamous for life, which doesn't really surprise me all that much because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're going to meet a better looking penguin someday.
students in England were hospitalized after taking part in a caffeine
research study where they were accidentally given the equivalent of 300
cups of coffee. This accident resulted from putting a decimal point in the
wrong place. And the lab technician responsible said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t
have my morning coffee.”
The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they'd never clean anything.
know if anybody in Washington is listening. I have one small request when
it comes to this wall thing. Before we put up $25 billion, can we fix the
giant pothole on La Cienega for the last four years? I’ll tell you where
it is. I’d appreciate it. Gracias.