Tuesday, February 28, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

"If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?"

George Carlin

Monday, February 27, 2017

A Touch of Humor

Once there was a cowboy who had two horses, and he couldn't tell them apart.

 One day he decided to cut one horse's tail short, but it grew right back again.

 Then he decided to cut the other horse's mane short, but it grew right back also.

 Then he measured them and found out the white horse was one inch taller than the black horse!

A Touch Of Humor

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was no one on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.

Ellen DeGeneres

Saturday, February 25, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

YouTube temporarily pulled a New York zoo’s live stream of a giraffe giving birth, after some complained that it was sexually explicit. I just want to say if you are watching an animal give birth and you think this is way too sexy, the problem is you.
James Corden

Friday, February 24, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

[Building New U.S. Border Walls] "It's guaranteed to keep out all Mexicans unless they get their hands on a ladder or a shovel."

Conan O'Brien

Thursday, February 23, 2017

A Touch of Humor

                                                       Proper Etiquette at the Intersection

A Touch of Humor


Wednesday, February 22, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

According to a new survey, 9 a.m. on a Sunday morning is the most popular time for couples to have sex. OK, so fair warning, they WILL kick you out of IHOP.
Seth Meyers

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

George Carlin

Monday, February 20, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A recent study found that the number of monarch butterflies migrating to Mexico from the U.S. has dropped by 27 percent. Apparently the butterflies are afraid if they go from the U.S. to Mexico, they won’t be allowed back in.
Conan O'Brien

Saturday, February 18, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"

Ellen DeGeneres

Friday, February 17, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A new report finds that over 55,000 bridges in the U.S. were found to have major structural problems last year. When asked how they’re going to fix them, the government was like, “Eh, we’ll cross that gaping hole when we get to it.”
Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.

Jerry Seinfeld

Monday, February 13, 2017

A Touch Of Humor, Conan

Nintendo recently unveiled the Switch, a home video game console that you can unplug and take whenever you go somewhere. When they heard this, hardcore gamers said, “What do you mean — ‘go somewhere?’”

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Rolling Stone just did a big profile on Vice President Mike Pence, and revealed that Pence grew up with a cornfield in his backyard. I guess at times, he even heard a voice coming from it that said, “If you build it ... Mexico won’t pay for it.”
Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

A woman in Venezuela was arrested after she tried to break her boyfriend out of jail by stuffing him in a bright pink suitcase, and rolling him out. She almost got away with it, but when the guards asked her what’s in the suitcase, the suitcase said, “Nothing.”
Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

The casts of “House of Cards,” “Veep,” and “Scandal” reportedly will not attend the White House Correspondents Association dinner in April, to protest President Trump. To protest the fact that he’s stealing all their plot lines? “We have to write scripts and you are taking all the good ideas.”
Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor, Jimmy Fallon

Another big story is Trump’s travel ban. Earlier today, he defended the ban by saying, “Even a bad high school student would support it.” And Betsy DeVos said, “And thanks to me, we’ll have plenty of those.”
Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, February 12, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Today the East Coast was hit with a major snowstorm and it forced New York City public schools to close. When she heard that, new Education Secretary Betsy DeVos was like, “Hey, my plan’s working already.”
Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, February 11, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I have just learned that penguins are monogamous for life, which doesn't really surprise me all that much because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're going to meet a better looking penguin someday.

Ellen DeGeneres

Friday, February 10, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Two students in England were hospitalized after taking part in a caffeine research study where they were accidentally given the equivalent of 300 cups of coffee. This accident resulted from putting a decimal point in the wrong place. And the lab technician responsible said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t have my morning coffee.”
James Corden

A Touch of Humor


Thursday, February 9, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

According to a recent survey, 71 percent of men find it attractive when a woman offers to split the bill on a date. And zero percent of women find it attractive when that offer is accepted.
Seth Meyers

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

It’s been reported that Donald Trump has said of ISIS, “We have to end it.” Trump’s plan to end ISIS is to turn it into an online university.
Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

A TouchOf Humor

There is a new restaurant in Spain that just opened where everybody dines in the restaurant completely naked. And you thought it was awkward going to dinner with your parents before.
James Corden

Monday, February 6, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they'd never clean anything.

Dave Barry

Sunday, February 5, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Thirty-one pounds of cocaine have been found hidden in the nose of an American Airlines jet. Authorities became suspicious when the plane flew from Miami to New York in 16 minutes.
Conan O'Brien

Saturday, February 4, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

According to a new survey, 41 percent of Americans think God plays a role in U.S. elections. And God said, “Actually, I just focus on football and ‘The Bachelor,’ but you know, whatever.”
Jimmy Fallon

Friday, February 3, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it, I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself.

Mark Twain

Thursday, February 2, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I don’t know if anybody in Washington is listening. I have one small request when it comes to this wall thing. Before we put up $25 billion, can we fix the giant pothole on La Cienega for the last four years? I’ll tell you where it is. I’d appreciate it. Gracias.
Jimmy Kimmel

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Analysts say that liberal Democrats are launching their own version of the Tea Party. It’s called the “Organic Chai Tea Party.”
Conan O'Brien