Friday, July 19, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel!

Homer Simpson

Thursday, July 18, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Dear Abby: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Have you any suggestions? —M.J.B. in Oakland, Calif.
Dear M.J.B.: Yes. Run for a public office.

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”– Sam Ewing

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.” 
― Steven Wright

Monday, July 15, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

Phyllis Diller

Friday, July 12, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“The job isn't done until you've blamed someone for the parts that went wrong.” 
― Scott Adams, Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland (Scott Adams, is a Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip)

Thursday, July 11, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.” 
― Groucho Marx

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Patriotism is, fundamentally, a conviction that a particular country is the best in the world because you were born in it....” 
― George Bernard Shaw

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closest friends. If they seem OK, then you're the one.

Ann Landers

Monday, July 8, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'”– Conan O’Brien

Friday, July 5, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So, I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster."

Emo Philips

Thursday, July 4, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Dave Barry

Wednesday, July 3, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.”– Jean Rostand

Tuesday, July 2, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."

Bill Maher

Monday, July 1, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“The main difference between marketing and fraud is that criminals have to pay for their own alcohol.” 
― Scott Adams, Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland (Scott Adams is a Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip)

Friday, June 28, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.'”– Homer Simpson

Thursday, June 27, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Scientists say the European space probe that landed on the comet has detected organic matter. This means there could be either life in space or a Whole Foods. We just don't know.

Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”– Oscar Wilde

Tuesday, June 25, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Phyllis Diller

Monday, June 24, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” – George Carlin

Friday, June 21, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”– Jane Wagner

Thursday, June 20, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.” 
― Scott Adams (Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip)

Tuesday, June 18, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.” 
― Groucho Marx

Monday, June 17, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together

– Rodney Dangerfield

Friday, June 14, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

Phyllis Diller

Thursday, June 13, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Dave Barry

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again - Erma Bombeck

Monday, June 10, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the proper application of fonts and color.” 
― Scott Adams, Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland (Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip, Bestselling Comedy Writer)

Wednesday, June 5, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.'

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”– Jackie Mason

Tuesday, June 4, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.” 

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

Doctors say its okay to have sex after a heart attacked provided you close the ambulance door.

Phyllis Diller

A Touch Of Humor

When I was a kid, nobody was nice. I was 6-years-old [when] I found out there is no such thing as Alpo baby food.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”– Thomas A. Edison

Monday, June 3, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.”– Dilbert (Comic Strip)

A Touch Of Humor

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”– Zig Ziglar

Saturday, June 1, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

– Homer Simpson

Thursday, May 30, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.”– Dylan Thomas

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”

– George Burns

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“All his life he tried to be a good person. Many times, however, he failed.
For after all, he was only human. He wasn't a dog.” 
― Snoopy (Peanuts) 

Monday, May 27, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way I'd visit him every day.

Joan Rivers

Friday, May 24, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring ... 'How to Build a Boat.'

Steven Wright

Thursday, May 23, 2019

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.” 
― Groucho Marx

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
― Calvin and Hobbes.

Monday, May 20, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are - and I will eliminate them.'

Conan O'Brien

Friday, May 17, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possible flipping a coin.

Dave Barry

Thursday, May 16, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Than I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Emo Philips.

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time ... I think I've forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

Chelsea Handler

Monday, May 13, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

Conan O'Brien

Friday, May 10, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

Elayne Boosler

Thursday, May 9, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Steven Wright

Wednesday, May 8, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” 
― Groucho Marx

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

Friday, May 3, 2019

Thursday, May 2, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Y'know you can't please all the people all the time ... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Mitch Hedberg

Wednesday, May 1, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Steven Wright

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Dave Barry

Monday, April 29, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those that don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Ann Landers

Friday, April 26, 2019

Thursday, April 25, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

Erma Bombeck

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

Dave Barry

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Monday, April 22, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg.

Friday, April 19, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” 
― Elayne Boosler

Thursday, April 18, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.” 
― Billy Crystal, Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I was an ugly kid too. My old man took me to the zoo. The guy at the gate thanked him for returning me.

Rodney Dangerfield

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Think about it... 
The Republicans have gone from Abraham Lincoln to Sarah Palin to Donald Trump. 
No wonder they don't believe in evolution.” 
― Andy Borowitz

Monday, April 15, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

Friday, April 12, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I saw that one of Albert Einstein’s notes about his theory for a happy life sold at auction for $1.5 million. $1.5 million! It got awkward when the buyer read the note and it said, “Money can’t buy happiness.”

Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, April 11, 2019

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes "Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen."

Emo Philips

Tuesday, April 9, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. — George Bernard Shaw

Monday, April 8, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I was a very ugly kid. Every time my old man wanted sex, my mother showed him my picture.

Rodney Dangerfield

Friday, April 5, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?” 
― Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

Andy Borowitz

Thursday, April 4, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[In Brunei, The Sultan has threatened to punish gays and adulterers with penalties as stiff as stoning them to death. The Sultan also controls fancy hotels such as The Beverly Hills Hotel that charge as much as $5,000 a night. George Clooney wants guests to boycott those hotels. Trevor Noah had this take on it]

"Like darn George. We're in, we're in. Count me in. People are going to be like, 'Honey, I was going to book The Beverly Hills Hotel but George Clooney said we should stay at The Embassy Suites [far less costly]. That's what we're doing. The Embassy Suites.' "

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Each step President Trump takes to try to stop immigrants, from soldiers on the border, to cutting off aid, to threatening to shut the border is bringing more immigrant migration. Trevor Noah put it this way:]

"It is like when my apartment had a mouse problem. I thought I could fix it by bringing in a bunch of stray cats. Right. But then I had a cat problem so I had to get a bunch of coyotes. Long story short, now I run a giraffe fighting ring."

[The President's Plan] "It doesn't work."

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.”

Charlie Brown (“Peanuts” character) 

Monday, April 1, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.

Billy Crystal

Friday, March 29, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“If you're Native American and you pray to the wolves, you're a savage. If you're African and you pray to your ancestors, you're a primitive. But when white people pray to a guy who turns water into wine, well, that's just common sense.” 
― Trevor Noah, Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood

Thursday, March 28, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

My dentist - he found a new way to hide his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

Rodney Dangerfield

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

U.S. Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.

Andy Borowitz

Monday, March 25, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

My wife. She's a lousy cook. She can't cook at all. I leave my dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.

Rodney Dangerfield

Saturday, March 23, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: The arrival of Spring Break]

And Spring Break, the time of year when drunk and entitled American kids head to Cabo and Tijuana and the Mexicans chant "Build the Wall."

Bill Maher

Thursday, March 21, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: The U.S. Senate voted to overturn President Trump's emergency declaration for his border wall with Mexico.]
The Senate vote is unlikely to stand, however; Trump has promised to veto it, perpetuating a legal stalemate that Stephen Colbert called a “precedent established in the landmark case Nuh Uh v Yeah Huh."

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: Beto O'Rourke's Presidential candidacy after narrowly losing to Ted Cruz for a U.S. Senate Seat from Texas.]

“You see, humans are weird,” said Trevor Noah. “If you win easily, people hate you, like Tom Brady. And if you lose by too much, we just think you suck. But if you lose by just a little bit, people are like: ‘That’s my guy.’”

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"Space Force and borders. It’s pretty telling that despite the effects of climate change, gun violence, and inadequate healthcare, [President] Trump thinks the biggest threats to America are asylum seekers and Klingons.”

Seth Meyers

Monday, March 18, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.” 
― Steven Wright

Thursday, March 14, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.” 
― Dave Barry

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?” 
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[BOROWITZ REPORT FICTITIOUS HEADLINE AND STORY]

“COHEN TESTIMONY LEAVES KIM JONG UN DOUBTING WHETHER TRUMP CAN BE TRUSTED”

“At one point, the North Korean dictator turned to us [the media] and said, ‘What kind of lowlife am I dealing with?’ “

Andy Borowitz, The Borowitz Report


Thursday, March 7, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.”

-Bill Watterson ("Calvin and Hobbes" Creator)

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I don't get no respect from anyone.. Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, "Be quiet, you'll wake up daddy."

Rodney Dangerfield

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?” 
― Steven Wright

Monday, March 4, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“So that’s where we are as a country right now: Trump’s trying to build a wall to prevent outsiders from coming in, while Americans are forced to cross the border into Mexico just to get affordable medication,” “Hey, if Mexico won’t pay for the wall, maybe Pfizer will.”

Seth Meyers

Friday, March 1, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Trevor Noah rejected Ivanka Trump's claim that people don’t want free things. “People love free shit … I’ve been to Costco – I’ve seen people put on disguises to get a second free sample of Bagel Bites.”

Thursday, February 28, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"The Wisconsin Legislature introduced a bill making it illegal to make a prank phone call. The bill is sponsored by State Senator Dick Hertz." --Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: Bernie Sanders running for President and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez becoming his running mate] “Wow, what a dream ticket that would be, the 77-year-old Jew and a 29-year-old former bartender. For Socialists, that’s a dream ticket. In LA, that’s a third marriage.“

Bill Maher

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: Bernie Sanders becoming the oldest presidential candidate] “Poor Bernie, can you imagine what the presidency would do to him? It aged Obama so much and he was in his prime. Bernie’s gonna come out looking like Gollum.”

Seth Meyers

Monday, February 25, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: President Trump declaring a National Emergency to fund his border wall] “I appreciate you putting on a brave face. You’ve made it through a whole week of the National Emergency. Because of the invasion coming up from Mexico, we have to do our part on the homefront. If you see salsa, say something.”

Bill Maher

Friday, February 22, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. Groucho Marx

Thursday, February 21, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

My mother never breast fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

Rodney Dangerfield

Wednesday, February 20, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Mark Twain

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

Dennis Wholey

Monday, February 18, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.!

Billy Connolly

Friday, February 15, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I'm not a good looking guy. On Halloween I open the front door - kids give me candy.

Rodney Dangerfield

Thursday, February 14, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

In answer to the president’s claim of having a new border wall under construction, Jimmy Kimmel asks, "How do you finish a wall you haven't started?" He’s skipped from ‘build the wall’ to ‘finish the wall’. That’s how Orwellian this has become."

“We are one delusional rally away from: ‘Now that we’ve finished the wall, let’s paint the wall!’”

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Trevor Noah pointed out that even though no new border wall has been built, President Trump now wants taller fencing. In other words: “He’s solved the problem of smugglers who are determined to sneak drugs into America but are too lazy to buy a somewhat taller ladder.”

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: Donald Trump's tax returns] “We’re finally going to find out what’s in them!”  Stephen Colbert said. “Did Putin claim Trump as a dependent? Did Trump check the box where you donate $3 to a Russian oligarch? Did he list his status as ‘married’ or ‘Yeah, but I’m not dead’?”

Monday, February 11, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: President Trump's claim of congressional "presidential harassment."] “You laugh but it’s true, folks,” Trevor Noah said on the Daily Show. “Presidential harassment is a serious crisis that affects one out of every 320 million people in this country.”

Friday, February 8, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun.”

Stephen Colbert

Thursday, February 7, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy." -- Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Former Starbucks CEO] Howard Schultz’s potential run as a “centrist independent” is “making the Democrats shit themselves, which usually only happens after you drink his coffee” - Trevor Noah

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Senator Kamala Harris said this week that as part of her presidential platform she would advocate for a single-payer health care system. It would replace our current system of taking Flintstones vitamins and hoping for the best.

Seth Meyers

Monday, February 4, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“A new study suggests that a parasite found in cat pee can be linked to schizophrenia. Finally, a reason to stop drinking cat pee!” — SETH MEYERS

Friday, February 1, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Will Rogers

Thursday, January 31, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Clothes don’t make the man, God does. Stop taking credit, my pants.”

Stephen Colbert

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"The Catholic Church has approved a new app that lets you make confessions over your iPhone.
It also raises the possibility of accidentally butt-dialing God." --Conan O'Brien

Monday, January 28, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood. ” 
― Conan O'Brien

Friday, January 25, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Alan Dundes

Thursday, January 24, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

Prince Philip

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

STEPHEN COLBERT, discussing the proposed border wall -- “Speaker Pelosi rejected the deal before the president even announced it. She said no before Trump even asked — a move known in Washington as ‘the Melania.’”

New York Times

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“According to the White House press pool, President Trump spent approximately two minutes at the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial today before returning to the White House. And it’s not a good look when you give Martin Luther King the same amount of time you gave Stormy Daniels.” — SETH MEYERS

New York Times

Monday, January 21, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet.
But you're still the King."

-John Oliver

Friday, January 18, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Frontier Airlines is encouraging passengers to tip flight attendants: “Frontier flight attendants say the most valuable tip they’ve received so far is to go and work for another airline.” — JAMES CORDEN

Thursday, January 17, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“This is true, Frontier Airlines wants you to tip [flight attendants]. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines wants you to kick in for gas money.” — JAMES CORDEN

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Frontier Airlines is encouraging passengers to tip their flight attendants: “How do you tip a flight attendant? What are you supposed to be like? ‘Brett, these peanuts are to die for. And the way you poured a can of ginger ale into this flimsy plastic cup — mwah!’” — JAMES CORDEN

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“France’s first nude restaurant is closing Feb. 16 — which means my Valentine’s Day reservation is still good to go! Yeah, you know, nothing quite says ‘love’ like spilling hot clam chowder on my genitals.” — TREVOR NOAH

Monday, January 14, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

RE: The Government Shutdown “Today, federal workers protested the shutdown outside the White House. It didn’t help when Trump rolled down a window and was like, ‘Don’t you have jobs to go to?’” — Jimmy Fallon

Friday, January 11, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real." --Conan O'Brien

Thursday, January 10, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it." —Stephen Colbert

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"I remember him now... the man whose name is so perfect for the scandal he was caught up in that it rekindled my faith in God." - John Oliver on Anthony Weiner

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”
Oscar Wilde

Monday, January 7, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong'.
Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.” 
― Charlie Brown (A “Peanuts” Character)

Friday, January 4, 2019

Thursday, January 3, 2019

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

A Touch Of Humor


“Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.
1. You're wearing that?
2. Something smells funny.
3. Where's the Tylenol?
4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.
5. I have a confession to make…
6. My dad has a suit just like that.
7. That man is hot. Look at him.
8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…
9. You're going to order that? Seriously?
10. You're how old?” 
― Gena Showalter, Animal Instincts

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.” 
― Benjamin Franklin