Friday, November 15, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

David Letterman

Thursday, November 14, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”

– Al McGuire

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"In the first place, God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made school boards."  - Mark Twain

Tuesday, November 12, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

4 Stages Of Life

1) You believe in Santa Claus
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus
3) You are Santa Claus
4) You look like Santa Claus

Author Unknown

Monday, November 11, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Dave Barry

Friday, November 8, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Rodney Dangerfield

Thursday, November 7, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Dear Reader: This Is From A Real Taco Company Ad

“Every taco is hand-rolled with exotic Mexican spices by genuine Mayan virgins.

Or, Carlos, depending on who's available.”

Wednesday, November 6, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun."

Andy Borowitz

Tuesday, November 5, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

NASA's Mars Lander found traces of ice and salt on Mars. Right now it's searching for tequila.

David Letterman

Monday, November 4, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” – Sam Ewing

Friday, November 1, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”– Abraham Lincoln

Thursday, October 31, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."  -- Mark Twain

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Every time we try to eat healthy, along comes Christmas, Easter, summer, Friday, or Tuesday and ruins it for us.

Author Unknown

Quote from Steven Freier Facebook Page

Tuesday, October 29, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can't get fooled again."
President George W. Bush, Sept. 17, 2002

Monday, October 28, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Researchers in Virginia announced this week that they have successfully trained rats to drive tiny cars. Said New Yorkers, “great maybe they’ll stop taking the subway.”

Seth Meyers

Sunday, October 27, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”  
- George Carlin

Thursday, October 24, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"Ironic, isn't it Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you." - Mr. Burns, The Simpsons

Wednesday, October 23, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Senator Bernie Sanders held a 26,000 person rally this weekend in Queens. The crowd was so huge that Bernie almost had to use a microphone.

Seth Meyers

Tuesday, October 22, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"A zebra does not change its spots."
—Al Gore, former U.S. Vice President

Monday, October 21, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

Ann Landers

Friday, October 18, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"McDonald’s has announced that for the next month in the United Kingdom, Happy Meals will come with a book instead of a toy. And they will be renamed ‘Disappointment Meals.'”

Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, October 17, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness.

Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Since the topic is science, the non scientists don't get a vote. We shouldn't decide everything by polling the masses. This is the fallacy called Argumentum Ad Numerum, the idea that something is true because great number believe it, as in EAT SHIT, twenty trillions flies can't be wrong!” 
― Bill Maher

Friday, October 11, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"Folks, I can tell you I've known eight presidents, three of them intimately."
—Joe Biden, Aug. 22, 2012

Thursday, October 10, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.’ 
—Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I'm a black, gay woman. I think the only way to make the GOP hate me more is if I sent them a video of me rolling around on a pile of welfare checks.

Wanda Sykes

Tuesday, October 8, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"Donald Trump is polling so badly with women that at a rally last night, he had his wife, Melania, introduce him. Because if there's one thing that's guaranteed to get American women on your side, it's a foreign model who's married to a billionaire and never has to work." – Conan O'Brien

Monday, October 7, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery,' and ‘Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment." -- George Carlin 

Friday, October 4, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs." – Jon Stewart

Thursday, October 3, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Phyllis Diller

Wednesday, October 2, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"This doesn't happen in America. Maybe Ohio, but not America," –Homer Simpson, after being thwarted by an electronic voting machine in his attempt to vote for Barack Obama

Tuesday, October 1, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

And I haven't even brought up religion. But here's one fun fact I'll leave you with: Did you know only about half of Americans are aware that Judaism is an older religion than Christianity? That's right, half of America looks at books called the Old Testament and the New Testament and cannot figure out which came first. 

Bill Maher 

Monday, September 30, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything any more if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

Steve Martin

Friday, September 27, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.” 
― George Bernard Shaw, From his play, Major Barbara

Thursday, September 26, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"If I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That's a good-looking mummy." ​
—Bill Clinton, on "Juanita," a newly discovered Incan [Inca] mummy on display at the National Geographic Museum

Wednesday, September 25, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.

Wanda Sykes

Tuesday, September 24, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
—President George W. Bush, regarding harming America, Aug. 5, 2004

Monday, September 23, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"Bernie Sanders yesterday interrupted his own speech to rush to the aid of a man who fainted in the audience. Luckily, Bernie was able to shout him back to consciousness: 'ARE YOU OK? WAKE UP, THE MIDDLE CLASS IS DISAPPEARING!'" –Seth Meyers

Friday, September 20, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

After President Trump claimed his slashing pollution standards would create "extremely environmentally friendly cars," Stephen Colbert remarked:

"Removing pollution standards makes cars environmentally friendly the way removing the poison level will make arsenic an energy drink."

Thursday, September 19, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"Liberal Democrat Bernie Sanders had a rally in Los Angeles last night attended by over 27,000 supporters. The rally set the world record for most Priuses in one parking lot." – Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, September 18, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Krusty the Clown, announcing his candidacy for Congress: "Gentlemen, I am your candidate. There's just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up youthful, middle aged indiscretions?"
Mr. Burns: "Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?" Krusty: "Russian hooker, you tell me."
Burns: "We'll say you were on a fact finding mission."

Tuesday, September 17, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Jon Stewart, on Fox News contributors saying that Sesame Street is "an insidious form of brainwashing and propaganda" by "the lofty left": "Fox News is upset that empty headed puppets are trying to brainwash and indoctrinate Americans. Perhaps they could sue them for copyright infringement."

Monday, September 16, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I’m pretty sure this is why we’re falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids’ costumes.” 

Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, September 13, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed  to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers


Thursday, September 12, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“New Rule: If you married a manic-depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn't say, "In God We Trust.” 
― Bill Maher, The New New Rules: A Funny Look At How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.” 
― Groucho Marx

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

Steve Martin

Monday, September 9, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.” 
― Snoopy (Peanuts) 

Friday, September 6, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?
― Bill Maher

Thursday, September 5, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I don't understand this whole Elvis thing. There are dead people in my family that we miss and love dearly, but shoot, we don't dress up like them and do impressions. I'll show up at the family reunion in a dirty t-shirt and a bald cap - 'Look, everybody, I'm Uncle Earl.'

Wanda Sykes

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.

Colin Quinn

Tuesday, September 3, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.” 
― Scott Adams (Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert comic strip)

Monday, September 2, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Sometimes, the first step toward forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot.

Author Unknown

Friday, August 30, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)


Thursday, August 29, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

Dave Barry


Wednesday, August 28, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“If you're Native American and you pray to the wolves, you're a savage. If you're African and you pray to your ancestors, you're a primitive. But when white people pray to a guy who turns water into wine, well, that's just common sense.” 
― Trevor Noah, Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood

Tuesday, August 27, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

George Carlin

Monday, August 26, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Erma Bombeck

Friday, August 23, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

Steve Martin

Thursday, August 22, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in the mail one day and say, 'Aw shit, I'm secretary of state next month.'

Wanda Sykes

Wednesday, August 21, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Authorities in South Carolina have dropped drug charges against a college football player after a test proved the white substance on the hood of his car was bird poop, not cocaine. Though I can understand their suspicion because everyone knows the best place to hide cocaine is on the hood of your car.

Seth Meyers.

Tuesday, August 20, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

For the rich there’s THERAPY.

For the rest of us there’s CHOCOLATE.

Author Unknown

Monday, August 19, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we’re Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there’s no stopping us until we’re licking stray bits of powdered cheese off the carpet. So stop trying to give us nutritional information based on a fraction of the package. It assumes a talent for two things that we’re really not capable of: restraint and math.” 
― Bill Maher, The New New Rules: A Funny Look At How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass

Friday, August 16, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“When did ignorance become a point of view?” 
― Scott Adams (Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert comic strip)

Thursday, August 15, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"The number of households that own a television set is down for the first time since they started the survey. This is America! The only excuse for not having a TV in your home is, you’re too fat to fit into Best Buy to get one.”

Jimmy Kimmel

Wednesday, August 14, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.

Homer Simpson

Tuesday, August 13, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

When you play spin the bottle if they don't want to kiss you, they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old, I owned my own home.

Phyllis Diller

Sunday, August 11, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.” 
― George Bernard Shaw

Friday, August 9, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

The Princeton Review recently named Syracuse University America’s number one party school. Said people at Syracuse, “This is a school?”

Seth Meyers

Thursday, August 8, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

George Carlin

Wednesday, August 7, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Trevor Noah on being a comedian: "If this comedy thing doesn't work out, I've always got poverty to fall back on."

Tuesday, August 6, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”– Navjot Singh Sidhu

Monday, August 5, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Dear Abby: Our son married a girl when he was in the service. They were married in February and she had an 8 1/2-pound baby girl in August. She said the baby was premature. Can an 8 1/2-pound baby be this premature? —Wanting to Know
Dear Wanting: The baby was on time. The wedding was late. Forget it.

Friday, August 2, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.”– Jim Rohn

Thursday, August 1, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”– Samuel Goldwyn

Wednesday, July 31, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Santa Claus.

Bart Simpson

Tuesday, July 30, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

It wasn't that long ago when a kid in America broke his leg, his parents took him to the local Catholic hospital, the nun stuck a thermometer in his ass, the doctor slapped some plaster on his ankle, and you were done. The bill was $1.50; plus, you got to keep the thermometer. 

Bill Maher

Monday, July 29, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.” 
― Scott Adams (Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert comic strip)

Friday, July 26, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”– Bob Hope

Thursday, July 25, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“If I stand here, I can see the Little Red Haired girl when she comes out of her house... Of course, if she sees me peeking around this tree, she'll think I'm the dumbest person in the world... But if I don't peek around the tree, I'll never see her... Which means I probably AM the dumbest person in the world... which explains why I'm standing in a batch of poison oak.” 

Charlie Brown (“Peanuts”) 

Wednesday, July 24, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend ... if you have one."
— George Bernard Shaw, playwright (to British Prime Minister Winston Churchill)

"Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one."
— Churchill's response” 
― George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950) (Renowned British Playwright)

Tuesday, July 23, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?' 

Anonymous 

Monday, July 22, 2019

Friday, July 19, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel!

Homer Simpson

Thursday, July 18, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Dear Abby: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Have you any suggestions? —M.J.B. in Oakland, Calif.
Dear M.J.B.: Yes. Run for a public office.

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”– Sam Ewing

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.” 
― Steven Wright

Monday, July 15, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

Phyllis Diller

Friday, July 12, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“The job isn't done until you've blamed someone for the parts that went wrong.” 
― Scott Adams, Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland (Scott Adams, is a Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip)

Thursday, July 11, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.” 
― Groucho Marx

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Patriotism is, fundamentally, a conviction that a particular country is the best in the world because you were born in it....” 
― George Bernard Shaw

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closest friends. If they seem OK, then you're the one.

Ann Landers

Monday, July 8, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'”– Conan O’Brien

Friday, July 5, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So, I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster."

Emo Philips

Thursday, July 4, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Dave Barry

Wednesday, July 3, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.”– Jean Rostand

Tuesday, July 2, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."

Bill Maher

Monday, July 1, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“The main difference between marketing and fraud is that criminals have to pay for their own alcohol.” 
― Scott Adams, Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland (Scott Adams is a Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip)

Friday, June 28, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.'”– Homer Simpson

Thursday, June 27, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Scientists say the European space probe that landed on the comet has detected organic matter. This means there could be either life in space or a Whole Foods. We just don't know.

Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”– Oscar Wilde

Tuesday, June 25, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Phyllis Diller

Monday, June 24, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” – George Carlin

Friday, June 21, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”– Jane Wagner

Thursday, June 20, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.” 
― Scott Adams (Bestselling Comedy Writer, Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip)

Tuesday, June 18, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.” 
― Groucho Marx

Monday, June 17, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together

– Rodney Dangerfield

Friday, June 14, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

Phyllis Diller

Thursday, June 13, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Dave Barry

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again - Erma Bombeck

Monday, June 10, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the proper application of fonts and color.” 
― Scott Adams, Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland (Creator of the Dilbert Comic Strip, Bestselling Comedy Writer)

Wednesday, June 5, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.'

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”– Jackie Mason

Tuesday, June 4, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.” 

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

Doctors say its okay to have sex after a heart attacked provided you close the ambulance door.

Phyllis Diller

A Touch Of Humor

When I was a kid, nobody was nice. I was 6-years-old [when] I found out there is no such thing as Alpo baby food.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”– Thomas A. Edison

Monday, June 3, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.”– Dilbert (Comic Strip)

A Touch Of Humor

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”– Zig Ziglar

Saturday, June 1, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

– Homer Simpson

Thursday, May 30, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.”– Dylan Thomas

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”

– George Burns

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“All his life he tried to be a good person. Many times, however, he failed.
For after all, he was only human. He wasn't a dog.” 
― Snoopy (Peanuts) 

Monday, May 27, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way I'd visit him every day.

Joan Rivers

Friday, May 24, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring ... 'How to Build a Boat.'

Steven Wright

Thursday, May 23, 2019

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.” 
― Groucho Marx

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
― Calvin and Hobbes.

Monday, May 20, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are - and I will eliminate them.'

Conan O'Brien

Friday, May 17, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possible flipping a coin.

Dave Barry

Thursday, May 16, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Than I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Emo Philips.

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time ... I think I've forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

Chelsea Handler

Monday, May 13, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

Conan O'Brien

Friday, May 10, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

Elayne Boosler

Thursday, May 9, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Steven Wright

Wednesday, May 8, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” 
― Groucho Marx

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

Friday, May 3, 2019

Thursday, May 2, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Y'know you can't please all the people all the time ... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Mitch Hedberg

Wednesday, May 1, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Steven Wright

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Dave Barry

Monday, April 29, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those that don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Ann Landers

Friday, April 26, 2019

Thursday, April 25, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

Erma Bombeck

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

Dave Barry

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Monday, April 22, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg.

Friday, April 19, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” 
― Elayne Boosler

Thursday, April 18, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.” 
― Billy Crystal, Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I was an ugly kid too. My old man took me to the zoo. The guy at the gate thanked him for returning me.

Rodney Dangerfield

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Think about it... 
The Republicans have gone from Abraham Lincoln to Sarah Palin to Donald Trump. 
No wonder they don't believe in evolution.” 
― Andy Borowitz

Monday, April 15, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

Friday, April 12, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I saw that one of Albert Einstein’s notes about his theory for a happy life sold at auction for $1.5 million. $1.5 million! It got awkward when the buyer read the note and it said, “Money can’t buy happiness.”

Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, April 11, 2019

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes "Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen."

Emo Philips

Tuesday, April 9, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. — George Bernard Shaw

Monday, April 8, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I was a very ugly kid. Every time my old man wanted sex, my mother showed him my picture.

Rodney Dangerfield

Friday, April 5, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?” 
― Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

Andy Borowitz

Thursday, April 4, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[In Brunei, The Sultan has threatened to punish gays and adulterers with penalties as stiff as stoning them to death. The Sultan also controls fancy hotels such as The Beverly Hills Hotel that charge as much as $5,000 a night. George Clooney wants guests to boycott those hotels. Trevor Noah had this take on it]

"Like darn George. We're in, we're in. Count me in. People are going to be like, 'Honey, I was going to book The Beverly Hills Hotel but George Clooney said we should stay at The Embassy Suites [far less costly]. That's what we're doing. The Embassy Suites.' "

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Each step President Trump takes to try to stop immigrants, from soldiers on the border, to cutting off aid, to threatening to shut the border is bringing more immigrant migration. Trevor Noah put it this way:]

"It is like when my apartment had a mouse problem. I thought I could fix it by bringing in a bunch of stray cats. Right. But then I had a cat problem so I had to get a bunch of coyotes. Long story short, now I run a giraffe fighting ring."

[The President's Plan] "It doesn't work."

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.”

Charlie Brown (“Peanuts” character) 

Monday, April 1, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.

Billy Crystal

Friday, March 29, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“If you're Native American and you pray to the wolves, you're a savage. If you're African and you pray to your ancestors, you're a primitive. But when white people pray to a guy who turns water into wine, well, that's just common sense.” 
― Trevor Noah, Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood

Thursday, March 28, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

My dentist - he found a new way to hide his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

Rodney Dangerfield

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

U.S. Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.

Andy Borowitz

Monday, March 25, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

My wife. She's a lousy cook. She can't cook at all. I leave my dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.

Rodney Dangerfield

Saturday, March 23, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: The arrival of Spring Break]

And Spring Break, the time of year when drunk and entitled American kids head to Cabo and Tijuana and the Mexicans chant "Build the Wall."

Bill Maher

Thursday, March 21, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: The U.S. Senate voted to overturn President Trump's emergency declaration for his border wall with Mexico.]
The Senate vote is unlikely to stand, however; Trump has promised to veto it, perpetuating a legal stalemate that Stephen Colbert called a “precedent established in the landmark case Nuh Uh v Yeah Huh."

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: Beto O'Rourke's Presidential candidacy after narrowly losing to Ted Cruz for a U.S. Senate Seat from Texas.]

“You see, humans are weird,” said Trevor Noah. “If you win easily, people hate you, like Tom Brady. And if you lose by too much, we just think you suck. But if you lose by just a little bit, people are like: ‘That’s my guy.’”

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"Space Force and borders. It’s pretty telling that despite the effects of climate change, gun violence, and inadequate healthcare, [President] Trump thinks the biggest threats to America are asylum seekers and Klingons.”

Seth Meyers

Monday, March 18, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.” 
― Steven Wright

Thursday, March 14, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.” 
― Dave Barry

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?” 
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding