Tuesday, March 19, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"Space Force and borders. It’s pretty telling that despite the effects of climate change, gun violence, and inadequate healthcare, [President] Trump thinks the biggest threats to America are asylum seekers and Klingons.”

Seth Meyers

Monday, March 18, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.” 
― Steven Wright

Thursday, March 14, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.” 
― Dave Barry

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?” 
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[BOROWITZ REPORT FICTITIOUS HEADLINE AND STORY]

“COHEN TESTIMONY LEAVES KIM JONG UN DOUBTING WHETHER TRUMP CAN BE TRUSTED”

“At one point, the North Korean dictator turned to us [the media] and said, ‘What kind of lowlife am I dealing with?’ “

Andy Borowitz, The Borowitz Report


Thursday, March 7, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.”

-Bill Watterson ("Calvin and Hobbes" Creator)

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I don't get no respect from anyone.. Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, "Be quiet, you'll wake up daddy."

Rodney Dangerfield

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?” 
― Steven Wright

Monday, March 4, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“So that’s where we are as a country right now: Trump’s trying to build a wall to prevent outsiders from coming in, while Americans are forced to cross the border into Mexico just to get affordable medication,” “Hey, if Mexico won’t pay for the wall, maybe Pfizer will.”

Seth Meyers

Friday, March 1, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Trevor Noah rejected Ivanka Trump's claim that people don’t want free things. “People love free shit … I’ve been to Costco – I’ve seen people put on disguises to get a second free sample of Bagel Bites.”

Thursday, February 28, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"The Wisconsin Legislature introduced a bill making it illegal to make a prank phone call. The bill is sponsored by State Senator Dick Hertz." --Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: Bernie Sanders running for President and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez becoming his running mate] “Wow, what a dream ticket that would be, the 77-year-old Jew and a 29-year-old former bartender. For Socialists, that’s a dream ticket. In LA, that’s a third marriage.“

Bill Maher

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: Bernie Sanders becoming the oldest presidential candidate] “Poor Bernie, can you imagine what the presidency would do to him? It aged Obama so much and he was in his prime. Bernie’s gonna come out looking like Gollum.”

Seth Meyers

Monday, February 25, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: President Trump declaring a National Emergency to fund his border wall] “I appreciate you putting on a brave face. You’ve made it through a whole week of the National Emergency. Because of the invasion coming up from Mexico, we have to do our part on the homefront. If you see salsa, say something.”

Bill Maher

Friday, February 22, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. Groucho Marx

Thursday, February 21, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

My mother never breast fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

Rodney Dangerfield

Wednesday, February 20, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Mark Twain

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

Dennis Wholey

Monday, February 18, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.!

Billy Connolly

Friday, February 15, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I'm not a good looking guy. On Halloween I open the front door - kids give me candy.

Rodney Dangerfield

Thursday, February 14, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

In answer to the president’s claim of having a new border wall under construction, Jimmy Kimmel asks, "How do you finish a wall you haven't started?" He’s skipped from ‘build the wall’ to ‘finish the wall’. That’s how Orwellian this has become."

“We are one delusional rally away from: ‘Now that we’ve finished the wall, let’s paint the wall!’”

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Trevor Noah pointed out that even though no new border wall has been built, President Trump now wants taller fencing. In other words: “He’s solved the problem of smugglers who are determined to sneak drugs into America but are too lazy to buy a somewhat taller ladder.”

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: Donald Trump's tax returns] “We’re finally going to find out what’s in them!”  Stephen Colbert said. “Did Putin claim Trump as a dependent? Did Trump check the box where you donate $3 to a Russian oligarch? Did he list his status as ‘married’ or ‘Yeah, but I’m not dead’?”

Monday, February 11, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Re: President Trump's claim of congressional "presidential harassment."] “You laugh but it’s true, folks,” Trevor Noah said on the Daily Show. “Presidential harassment is a serious crisis that affects one out of every 320 million people in this country.”

Friday, February 8, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun.”

Stephen Colbert

Thursday, February 7, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy." -- Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Former Starbucks CEO] Howard Schultz’s potential run as a “centrist independent” is “making the Democrats shit themselves, which usually only happens after you drink his coffee” - Trevor Noah

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Senator Kamala Harris said this week that as part of her presidential platform she would advocate for a single-payer health care system. It would replace our current system of taking Flintstones vitamins and hoping for the best.

Seth Meyers

Monday, February 4, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“A new study suggests that a parasite found in cat pee can be linked to schizophrenia. Finally, a reason to stop drinking cat pee!” — SETH MEYERS

Friday, February 1, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Will Rogers

Thursday, January 31, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Clothes don’t make the man, God does. Stop taking credit, my pants.”

Stephen Colbert

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"The Catholic Church has approved a new app that lets you make confessions over your iPhone.
It also raises the possibility of accidentally butt-dialing God." --Conan O'Brien

Monday, January 28, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood. ” 
― Conan O'Brien

Friday, January 25, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Alan Dundes

Thursday, January 24, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

Prince Philip

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

STEPHEN COLBERT, discussing the proposed border wall -- “Speaker Pelosi rejected the deal before the president even announced it. She said no before Trump even asked — a move known in Washington as ‘the Melania.’”

New York Times

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“According to the White House press pool, President Trump spent approximately two minutes at the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial today before returning to the White House. And it’s not a good look when you give Martin Luther King the same amount of time you gave Stormy Daniels.” — SETH MEYERS

New York Times

Monday, January 21, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet.
But you're still the King."

-John Oliver

Friday, January 18, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Frontier Airlines is encouraging passengers to tip flight attendants: “Frontier flight attendants say the most valuable tip they’ve received so far is to go and work for another airline.” — JAMES CORDEN

Thursday, January 17, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“This is true, Frontier Airlines wants you to tip [flight attendants]. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines wants you to kick in for gas money.” — JAMES CORDEN

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Frontier Airlines is encouraging passengers to tip their flight attendants: “How do you tip a flight attendant? What are you supposed to be like? ‘Brett, these peanuts are to die for. And the way you poured a can of ginger ale into this flimsy plastic cup — mwah!’” — JAMES CORDEN

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“France’s first nude restaurant is closing Feb. 16 — which means my Valentine’s Day reservation is still good to go! Yeah, you know, nothing quite says ‘love’ like spilling hot clam chowder on my genitals.” — TREVOR NOAH

Monday, January 14, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

RE: The Government Shutdown “Today, federal workers protested the shutdown outside the White House. It didn’t help when Trump rolled down a window and was like, ‘Don’t you have jobs to go to?’” — Jimmy Fallon

Friday, January 11, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real." --Conan O'Brien

Thursday, January 10, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it." —Stephen Colbert

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

"I remember him now... the man whose name is so perfect for the scandal he was caught up in that it rekindled my faith in God." - John Oliver on Anthony Weiner

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”
Oscar Wilde

Monday, January 7, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong'.
Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.” 
― Charlie Brown (A “Peanuts” Character)

Friday, January 4, 2019

Thursday, January 3, 2019

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

A Touch Of Humor


“Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.
1. You're wearing that?
2. Something smells funny.
3. Where's the Tylenol?
4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.
5. I have a confession to make…
6. My dad has a suit just like that.
7. That man is hot. Look at him.
8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…
9. You're going to order that? Seriously?
10. You're how old?” 
― Gena Showalter, Animal Instincts

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.” 
― Benjamin Franklin