Wednesday, April 26, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I read that after the success of their in-store cafes, Ikea might open its own restaurants. Which is great, until you have to assemble your own table.

Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

A Touch of Humor


A Touch of Humor

                 

A Touch Of Humor

According to a new survey, 44 percent of people would rather take a longer flight that costs more than fly United Airlines. When they heard this, American Airlines said, “Done and done.”
Conan O'Brien

Monday, April 24, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." 



"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper

A Touch Of Humor

Today is 4/20. 4/20 is that special day of the year when everyone who smokes pot continues to smoke pot.
Conan O'Brien

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Touch of Humor


Touch of Humor

                                                            Harry's Last Words

Friday, April 21, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Scientists are now claiming that every hour spent running increases your lifespan by seven hours. In other words, a majority of Americans died three years ago.
Conan O'Brien

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A new poll finds that more than half of American adults say they’ve smoked marijuana. While the other half said, “Wait ... what was the question?”
Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. 

Jerry Seinfeld

Monday, April 17, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Tostitos is coming out with a limited-edition bag that actually doubles as a breathalyzer. Here’s how it works: If you’re breathing into a bag of Tostitos, you’re probably drunk.
Jimmy Fallon

Friday, April 14, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Most of us believe everyone has a right to his own opinion as long as it agrees with ours.

Andy Rooney

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A New Jersey man recently admitted to stealing $20,000 worth of ginger ale from a grocery store. He said he wasn’t planning on stealing so much, he just got Schwepped up in it.
Seth Meyers

Monday, April 10, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho Marx.

A Touch of Humor

                                                                                      Google Images

A Touch of Humor

                                                                   Google Images

A Touch of Humor

                                                                       Google Images

Friday, April 7, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Dictionary.com has added 300 new words including smackdown, throw shade, sext, and bitchface. The announcement was made by Dictionary.com’s CEO, a 15-year-old girl named Ashley.
Conan O"Brien

Thursday, April 6, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books; how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

Andy Rooney

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

"Abstinence is a healthy choice that many teens will make, either by choice, or as I can attest, by circumstance."

John Oliver

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

"I love deadlines. I like the wooshing sound they make as they fly by."

Douglas Adams

Monday, April 3, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was no one on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.

Ellen DeGeneres

Saturday, April 1, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

The Baltimore airport just got a gym where you can work out while you wait for a flight. Finally combining the two things Americans love most — waiting in airports and exercise.
Jimmy Fallon

Friday, March 31, 2017

A Toiuch Of Humor

Today, Vladimir Putin denied meddling in our presidential election. Not helping was that Putin made the statement from behind the desk in the Oval Office.
Conan O'Brien

Thursday, March 30, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.' 

Homer Simpson

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

It was announced that Canada plans to legalize marijuana by July of next year. It's exciting for Americans because now they can add weed to the list of drugs they buy in Canada.

Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy. 

Jerry Seinfeld

Monday, March 27, 2017

Saturday, March 25, 2017

A Touch Of Humor,

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”

Will Rogers

A Touch of Humor


A Touch of Humor

                                                                          Google Images

Friday, March 24, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. That's how you know it didn't go as you planned.

Kevin Hart

Thursday, March 23, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Yesterday was the L.A. Marathon. Actually there wasn’t supposed to be a marathon — people on the 405 freeway just gave up and got out of their cars.
Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

George Carlin

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. 

Homer Simpson

Monday, March 20, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin

Saturday, March 18, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off.

Ellen DeGeneres

Friday, March 17, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I read about a marijuana dispensary in Los Angeles that doubles as an art gallery. Yep. Patrons stare at the art for hours before being told, “Sir, that’s an exit sign.”
Jimmy Fallon

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. 

Homer Simpson

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Many years after dropping out of Harvard, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is going back to get an honorary degree. Zuckerberg said he would have gone back sooner, but even he can’t afford college these days.
Conan O'Brien

Monday, March 13, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel." 

Jerry Seinfeld

Saturday, March 11, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”

Albert Einstein 

Friday, March 10, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A new financial app from JP Morgan can now do in seconds what it once took Wall Street financiers 360,000 hours to accomplish. That’s right, the app wrecks the global economy.

Conan O'Brien

Thursday, March 9, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel. 

Homer Simpson

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

The tax deadline is about five weeks away. And this year, because of all the budget cuts at the IRS, the odds of getting audited are the lowest they’ve been in 13 years. Last year, only .7 percent were audited, down by 16 percent. This year, it’s expected to be lower than that. In other words, there has never been a better time to claim your Chihuahua as a dependent.

Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

A Touch of Humor

                                                            Finding the Hidden Joy

A Touch of Humor


A Touch Of Humor

I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise. 

Jerry Seinfeld

Monday, March 6, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

In California, an experimental self-driving Uber car drove through six red lights. In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test.
Conan O'Brien

Saturday, March 4, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?...Noooo...as funny as that is, I'm not

Ellen DeGeneres

Friday, March 3, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Ben Affleck was patted down by TSA security at Los Angeles International Airport this week. Though when it was over, the woman whispered, “I’m not in the TSA.”
Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, March 2, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder. 

Homer Simpson

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Al Capone

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

"If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?"

George Carlin

Monday, February 27, 2017

A Touch of Humor

Once there was a cowboy who had two horses, and he couldn't tell them apart.

 One day he decided to cut one horse's tail short, but it grew right back again.

 Then he decided to cut the other horse's mane short, but it grew right back also.

 Then he measured them and found out the white horse was one inch taller than the black horse!

A Touch Of Humor

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was no one on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.

Ellen DeGeneres

Saturday, February 25, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

YouTube temporarily pulled a New York zoo’s live stream of a giraffe giving birth, after some complained that it was sexually explicit. I just want to say if you are watching an animal give birth and you think this is way too sexy, the problem is you.
James Corden

Friday, February 24, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

[Building New U.S. Border Walls] "It's guaranteed to keep out all Mexicans unless they get their hands on a ladder or a shovel."

Conan O'Brien

Thursday, February 23, 2017

A Touch of Humor

                                                       Proper Etiquette at the Intersection

A Touch of Humor


Wednesday, February 22, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

According to a new survey, 9 a.m. on a Sunday morning is the most popular time for couples to have sex. OK, so fair warning, they WILL kick you out of IHOP.
Seth Meyers

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

George Carlin

Monday, February 20, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A recent study found that the number of monarch butterflies migrating to Mexico from the U.S. has dropped by 27 percent. Apparently the butterflies are afraid if they go from the U.S. to Mexico, they won’t be allowed back in.
Conan O'Brien

Saturday, February 18, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"

Ellen DeGeneres

Friday, February 17, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A new report finds that over 55,000 bridges in the U.S. were found to have major structural problems last year. When asked how they’re going to fix them, the government was like, “Eh, we’ll cross that gaping hole when we get to it.”
Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.

Jerry Seinfeld

Monday, February 13, 2017

A Touch Of Humor, Conan

Nintendo recently unveiled the Switch, a home video game console that you can unplug and take whenever you go somewhere. When they heard this, hardcore gamers said, “What do you mean — ‘go somewhere?’”

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Rolling Stone just did a big profile on Vice President Mike Pence, and revealed that Pence grew up with a cornfield in his backyard. I guess at times, he even heard a voice coming from it that said, “If you build it ... Mexico won’t pay for it.”
Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

A woman in Venezuela was arrested after she tried to break her boyfriend out of jail by stuffing him in a bright pink suitcase, and rolling him out. She almost got away with it, but when the guards asked her what’s in the suitcase, the suitcase said, “Nothing.”
Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

The casts of “House of Cards,” “Veep,” and “Scandal” reportedly will not attend the White House Correspondents Association dinner in April, to protest President Trump. To protest the fact that he’s stealing all their plot lines? “We have to write scripts and you are taking all the good ideas.”
Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor, Jimmy Fallon

Another big story is Trump’s travel ban. Earlier today, he defended the ban by saying, “Even a bad high school student would support it.” And Betsy DeVos said, “And thanks to me, we’ll have plenty of those.”
Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, February 12, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Today the East Coast was hit with a major snowstorm and it forced New York City public schools to close. When she heard that, new Education Secretary Betsy DeVos was like, “Hey, my plan’s working already.”
Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, February 11, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I have just learned that penguins are monogamous for life, which doesn't really surprise me all that much because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're going to meet a better looking penguin someday.

Ellen DeGeneres

Friday, February 10, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Two students in England were hospitalized after taking part in a caffeine research study where they were accidentally given the equivalent of 300 cups of coffee. This accident resulted from putting a decimal point in the wrong place. And the lab technician responsible said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t have my morning coffee.”
James Corden

A Touch of Humor


Thursday, February 9, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

According to a recent survey, 71 percent of men find it attractive when a woman offers to split the bill on a date. And zero percent of women find it attractive when that offer is accepted.
Seth Meyers

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

It’s been reported that Donald Trump has said of ISIS, “We have to end it.” Trump’s plan to end ISIS is to turn it into an online university.
Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

A TouchOf Humor

There is a new restaurant in Spain that just opened where everybody dines in the restaurant completely naked. And you thought it was awkward going to dinner with your parents before.
James Corden

Monday, February 6, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they'd never clean anything.

Dave Barry

Sunday, February 5, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Thirty-one pounds of cocaine have been found hidden in the nose of an American Airlines jet. Authorities became suspicious when the plane flew from Miami to New York in 16 minutes.
Conan O'Brien

Saturday, February 4, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

According to a new survey, 41 percent of Americans think God plays a role in U.S. elections. And God said, “Actually, I just focus on football and ‘The Bachelor,’ but you know, whatever.”
Jimmy Fallon

Friday, February 3, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it, I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself.

Mark Twain

Thursday, February 2, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I don’t know if anybody in Washington is listening. I have one small request when it comes to this wall thing. Before we put up $25 billion, can we fix the giant pothole on La Cienega for the last four years? I’ll tell you where it is. I’d appreciate it. Gracias.
Jimmy Kimmel

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Analysts say that liberal Democrats are launching their own version of the Tea Party. It’s called the “Organic Chai Tea Party.”
Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Thomas Jefferson said, "The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Yeah and I heard that and thought, "I'm out!"

Christopher Titus

Monday, January 30, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Taco Bell has an exciting new item — the Naked Chicken Chalupa. It’s basically a taco with a shell made out of fried chicken, just in time for Obamacare to go away. I guess they decided to call it the Naked Crispy Chicken Chalupa because “I’ve Given Up on Life Chalupa” wasn’t testing well.
Jimmy Kimmel

Sunday, January 29, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A Russian billionaire reportedly paid over $4 million to have Mariah Carey and Sir Elton John perform at his teenage granddaughter’s wedding. Said his teenage granddaughter, “Who are these people?”

Seth Meyers

Saturday, January 28, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I turned on my iPhone today to check the news and Siri said, "Are you sitting down?"

Bill Maher

Friday, January 27, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I gotta' work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta' start working out. It's been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh...is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh...and watch TV. And get a bone density test. And uh...try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.

Ellen DeGeneres

Thursday, January 26, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

McDonald’s is coming out with an extra-large Big Mac called the Grand Mac. The Grand Mac’s slogan is “You’re gonna die anyway, why wait?”
Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

It was announced that Alex Rodriguez will host a reality TV show featuring former athletes who are now broke. Or as that’s already known, “Dancing With the Stars.”
Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Analysts say China is gearing up for a trade war with the United States. Here’s how it’s gonna go: China will say, “We have all your iPhones,” and we’ll say, “We surrender.”
Conan O'Brien

Monday, January 23, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Worrying is paying interest on a debt you might not even owe.

Mark Twain

Sunday, January 22, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

According to a new study, women are evolutionarily programmed to regret one-night stands. At least, that has been my experience.
Conan O'Brien

A Touch of Humor


A Touch of Humor

                                                                         Greg Perry

Saturday, January 21, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

There was alarming news you may have seen about the environment this week. Federal scientists announced that 2016 was the planet’s hottest year on record and this was probably due to man-made climate change. The good news is, in a few years, you’ll be able to get a pretty sweet tan. The bad news is, the beach you’ll visit to get that tan is gonna be in Idaho.
James Corden

Friday, January 20, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Just what is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics? Is it still just the two spaces?

Jerry Seinfeld

Thursday, January 19, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey is officially shutting down. Apparently, the circus doesn't think it could compete against a Trump presidency.
Stephen Colbert

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

A Touch of Humor

                                                A Perspective                  Google Images

A Touch Of Humor

They have the greeting cards with the couples on the front. They photograph them. These hazy focus people. They’re always having picnics. There’s always a tree, a pond… who are these people? I don’t know them. I don’t want them on my card either. What am I going to write inside there anyway? “Here’s another couple having a better relationship than us.”

Jerry Seinfeld

Monday, January 16, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Hostess is recalling its white peppermint Twinkies over salmonella concerns. But I guess they canceled the recall when the salmonella was killed by the stuff that was already in the Twinkie.

Jimmy Fallon

Sunday, January 15, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”

Jerry Seinfeld

Saturday, January 14, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

According to a new study, the average cost of raising a child in America is now over $200,000. The study was funded by Trojan condoms.
Conan O'Brien

Friday, January 13, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

More than 60 cities around the world celebrated the 16th annual No Pants Subway Ride yesterday. Or as that one guy on your train calls it, “Sunday.”
Seth Meyers

Thursday, January 12, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Today marks the 10-year anniversary of the iPhone. The Samsung Galaxy Note 7 even celebrated with a fireworks display.
James Corden

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Later this month, Google will be testing its new self-driving minivans. The vehicles can do all the functions of a human driver, except wonder, “Christ, how did I end up driving a minivan?”
Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

A Touch of Humor

                                                                             Google Images

A Touch of Humor

                                                                                  Google Images

A Touch Of Humor

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Jane Wagner

Monday, January 9, 2017

Sunday, January 8, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.

Mitch Hedberg

Saturday, January 7, 2017

A Touch of Humor

                                                                           Google Images

A Touch of Humor


A Touch Of Humor

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

George Carlin

Friday, January 6, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Normal people terrify me, because they haven’t had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a disfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you’ve driven a drunken father to moms’ parole hearing, what else is there?

Christopher Titus

Thursday, January 5, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

“Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.” 

Jane Wagner

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

"36% of Americans say they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman."

John Oliver

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Politicians, old buildings, and prostitutes become respectable with age.

Mark Twain

Monday, January 2, 2017

Sunday, January 1, 2017

A Touch of Humor

                                         This is the highlight of my day.     Google Images

A Touch of Humor


A Touch Of Humor

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

George Carlin