Tuesday, July 25, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Always do right; this will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Mark Twain

Monday, July 24, 2017

A Touch OF Humor

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something. 

Homer Simpson

Friday, July 21, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? 

Jerry Seinfeld

Thursday, July 20, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Two Papa John’s employees in Washington State were arrested this week for allegedly delivering cocaine in pizza boxes. Authorities became suspicious when Papa John’s started getting five-star Yelp reviews that were 47 paragraphs long.

Seth Meyers

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Thirty-six percent of Americans say that they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman. That's an easy mistake to make.

John Oliver

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Monday, July 17, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

“Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.” 
― Dave Barry

Friday, July 14, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

One thing that's good about procrastination is that you always have something planned for tomorrow.

G.B. [Gladys Bertha] Stern

Thursday, July 13, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass.

Mark Twain

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

There’s a new museum opening in Sweden this summer called the Museum of Failure. When asked when they’d finish it, builders said, “We probably won’t.”
Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

“I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.” 
― Dave Barry

Monday, July 10, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothing.

Art Buchwald

Sunday, July 9, 2017

A Touch of Humor

                                                                               Google Images

Friday, July 7, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” 

Mark Twain

Thursday, July 6, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.” 

Ellen DeGeneres

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A college student in Florida is accused of breaking into a building and changing his grade from an “F” to a “B.” His parents were like, “Really, you can't even get an 'A' when you're cheating?”
Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Astronomers are saying that a mysterious signal from space was caused by gas surrounding a comet. Of course, the comet is claiming the gas came from its dog.

Conan O'Brien

Monday, July 3, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!" 

Jerry Seinfeld

Saturday, July 1, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

On Jun 24, 2017, at 3:24 PM, my friend Ben Haney sent this joke:

The Urinal  Is Too High:

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one … holding on to their little 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade." 

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race … but I appreciate your help."

Friday, June 30, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

“I'm not a believer, I call myself an atheist. It was man who invented God. I once wrote that there are 15 things I know about God, and one is that he is allergic to shellfish. There are far too many commandments and you really only need one: Do not hurt anybody."

Carl Reiner

Thursday, June 29, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

“I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.”  

Ellen DeGeneres 

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Andy Rooney

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A boy in Maryland this weekend was trapped in an arcade claw machine after climbing through the prize door. Luckily, rescuers were able to get him out after about 35 quarters.

Seth Meyers

Monday, June 26, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around. 

Homer Simpson

Friday, June 23, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I read about a couple in Vermont that is selling their house, and part of it extends over the border into Canada. It’s really cool — it has three bedrooms, two baths, and free healthcare.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor


A Touch of Humor


Thursday, June 22, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.

Ellen DeGeneres

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I'd like to acknowledge three people who early on knew Mel Brooks was one of the funniest people in the world. Sid Caesar, me, and Mel Brooks.

Carl Reiner

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Fox News is dropping its famous tagline, “Fair and Balanced.” Fox News is swapping it for the more accurate tagline, “Paranoia and Ads for Cialis.”

Conan O'Brien

Monday, June 19, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Fox News is changing its slogan and it turns out they’re not the only TV network that’s getting a new one. For example, Disney Channel’s new slogan is “cheaper than a babysitter.”

Jimmy Fallon

Friday, June 16, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Vegetarian – that’s an old Indian word meaning ‘lousy hunter’

Andy Rooney

Thursday, June 15, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Puerto Rico has decided they want to become a U.S. state. When they heard about it, California said, “That’s great, they can take our place.”

Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

L.A. is one of the two finalists to host the 2024 Olympics. So if you want to attend one of the events in L.A., you should get on the freeway now.
Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."

Bill Maher

Monday, June 12, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

An 88-year-old woman has set a new record for oldest female to stand on the wing of a flying plane. It sounds dangerous, but it’s actually the safest place to be when you fly United.

Seth Meyers

Friday, June 9, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Kuwaiti customs officials recently captured a pigeon found carrying almost 200 ecstasy pills in a tiny backpack. Officials first became suspicious when they saw a pigeon wearing a tiny backpack.
Seth Meyers

Thursday, June 8, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer after it wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released back into the wild, which makes this the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America’s largest suppliers of hunting rifles.

Walmart is already trying to capitalize on this by changing their slogan to “Walmart: Where You Can Always Save a Buck.”

James Corden

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Two people in Arkansas were arrested for stealing $5,000 worth of Little Debbie snack cakes. They were charged with theft and I assume possession of weed.

Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

An Ohio man recently proposed to his girlfriend at the finish line of a marathon. And she can never find out that he really said, “Will you carry me?”
Seth Meyers

Monday, June 5, 2017

Friday, June 2, 2017

A Touch of Humor


A Touch of Humor

                                                 A Sure Cure                   Google Images

A Touch Of Humor

The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson


Thursday, June 1, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

In Cambodia, an actress is not allowed to make movies because the country’s government said she’s too sexy. So, ladies and gentlemen, now you know why I’m not allowed to make a movie in Cambodia.
Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A new report found that legal marijuana brought in more money last year than Girl Scout cookies did. Though to be fair, Girl Scout cookies wouldn’t have made as much money if it weren’t for marijuana.
Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A new study from Harvard says you can reduce the risk of a potentially fatal heart condition by eating six bars of chocolate a week. Yeah. It reduces the chance of a heart attack because once you give up being in shape, you have way less stress.
James Corden

Monday, May 29, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

"The news stories are coming so fast and frequently, I need Dramamine to watch CNN. I have breaking news fatigue. I do. I was talking to my doctor today. I said, is drinking in the afternoon right for me? And he said, I'm way ahead of you."

Bill Maher

Friday, May 26, 2017

A Touch of Humor

“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.”

Andy Rooney

Thursday, May 25, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A 101-year-old man recently became the oldest person to sky dive. At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines.

Seth Meyers

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Marijuana is legal here in California by state law. But it's still technically illegal, according to federal law. So the LAPD, the police, can't arrest you for having pot but an FBI agent can. It's confusing, right? Now imagine trying to understand that while you're high.
Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A man in South Dakota is facing obstruction charges after ignoring orders from firefighters and running back into a burning building — twice — to save his beer. Even worse, both times he went back in, he ran right past his wife.
James Corden

Monday, May 22, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Last week, a man in Washington State tried to get out of drug charges by bribing the policeman with Taco Bell. Um, “nacho” smart. Police got suspicious of narcotics when they saw the man doing 75 miles per hour — he was on foot.
Harry Styles ( Guest Host, The Late Late Show With James Corden)

Friday, May 19, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Hackers claim that they have a copy of the new “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie, and they are seeking ransom money from Disney. Disney was like, “Go ahead, we just release the same exact movie every time and nobody’s noticed so far.”
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, May 18, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

This week, a Toyota Land Cruiser set the record as the world’s fastest SUV after reaching 230 mph. Apparently somebody was really late to their kid’s soccer game.
Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Police are looking for a man who stole $5,000 worth of wigs from a home in Brooklyn. They described the man as blond… or brunet… or red-headed... Could be anything at this point.
Jimmy Fallon

Monday, May 15, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Humor from Warren Buffett, 86-year-old legendary investor:

"I'm one quarter Coca-Cola," Buffett tells Fortune. "If I eat 2700 calories a day, a quarter of that is Coca-Cola. I drink at least five 12-ounce servings."

His explanation for his sugar-centric diet: "I checked the actuarial tables, and the lowest death rate is among six-year-olds. So I decided to eat like a six-year-old. It's the safest course I can take."


Sunday, May 14, 2017

A Touch of Humor

                                                               Getting a Clue

A Touch of Humor

                                                       Head over Heels in Dandelions.
                                                                         Google Images

Friday, May 12, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in the mail and be like, "I'm Secretary of State next month!"

Wanda Sykes

Thursday, May 11, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

On this day in 1960, the FDA approved the world’s first commercially produced birth control pill. And on this day in 1961, the first couple learned what 99.9 percent effective means.
Seth Meyers

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Saudi Arabia has been named to the United Nations’ Commission on Women’s Rights. In a related story, Ireland has been named to the UN Commission on Sobriety and Tanning.
Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Curious people are interesting people: I wonder why that is.

Bill Maher

Monday, May 8, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

The nation’s first drive-through marijuana dispensary is opening tomorrow in Colorado. Also, down the street will be the world’s most successful DUI checkpoint.
James Corden

Friday, May 5, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

An archaeologist is claiming he’s discovered an amazing lost city in Kansas. Then he realized he just got drunk and watched “The Wizard of Oz.”
Conan O'Brien

Thursday, May 4, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

“It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.” 

Andy Rooney

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Heineken just came out with a new ad where two people who disagree on an issue are put in a room together to talk about it over beer. ’Cuz if there’s one thing that helps an argument, it’s alcohol.'
Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. 

Jerry Seinfeld

Monday, May 1, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

‘What Are Black People Supposed to Do on This Holiday?’

Trevor Noah expressed his amazement on “The Daily Show” on Wednesday that something called Confederate Memorial Day still exists, even if it’s just in Alabama and Mississippi.

“What are black people supposed to do on this holiday?” he asked.

He imagined the dilemma: “So I either don’t get the day off, or I support slavery? Man, I’ll take the day off, but I’m watching B.E.T. [Black Entertainment Television] the whole time.”

Friday, April 28, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A New Jersey restaurant has begun selling a massive taco-covered pizza for $75. “Seems a little steep,” said a customer who was looking at the three steps in front of the restaurant.

Seth Meyers

Thursday, April 27, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

American Airlines is under fire after one of its flight attendants allegedly yanked a stroller away from a mother with a baby. Passengers were outraged that the attendant took the stroller and not the baby.
Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I read that after the success of their in-store cafes, Ikea might open its own restaurants. Which is great, until you have to assemble your own table.

Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

A Touch of Humor


A Touch of Humor

                 

A Touch Of Humor

According to a new survey, 44 percent of people would rather take a longer flight that costs more than fly United Airlines. When they heard this, American Airlines said, “Done and done.”
Conan O'Brien

Monday, April 24, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." 



"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper

A Touch Of Humor

Today is 4/20. 4/20 is that special day of the year when everyone who smokes pot continues to smoke pot.
Conan O'Brien

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Touch of Humor


Touch of Humor

                                                            Harry's Last Words

Friday, April 21, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Scientists are now claiming that every hour spent running increases your lifespan by seven hours. In other words, a majority of Americans died three years ago.
Conan O'Brien

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A new poll finds that more than half of American adults say they’ve smoked marijuana. While the other half said, “Wait ... what was the question?”
Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. 

Jerry Seinfeld

Monday, April 17, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Tostitos is coming out with a limited-edition bag that actually doubles as a breathalyzer. Here’s how it works: If you’re breathing into a bag of Tostitos, you’re probably drunk.
Jimmy Fallon

Friday, April 14, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Most of us believe everyone has a right to his own opinion as long as it agrees with ours.

Andy Rooney

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A New Jersey man recently admitted to stealing $20,000 worth of ginger ale from a grocery store. He said he wasn’t planning on stealing so much, he just got Schwepped up in it.
Seth Meyers

Monday, April 10, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho Marx.

A Touch of Humor

                                                                                      Google Images

A Touch of Humor

                                                                   Google Images

A Touch of Humor

                                                                       Google Images

Friday, April 7, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Dictionary.com has added 300 new words including smackdown, throw shade, sext, and bitchface. The announcement was made by Dictionary.com’s CEO, a 15-year-old girl named Ashley.
Conan O"Brien

Thursday, April 6, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books; how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

Andy Rooney

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

"Abstinence is a healthy choice that many teens will make, either by choice, or as I can attest, by circumstance."

John Oliver

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

"I love deadlines. I like the wooshing sound they make as they fly by."

Douglas Adams

Monday, April 3, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was no one on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.

Ellen DeGeneres

Saturday, April 1, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

The Baltimore airport just got a gym where you can work out while you wait for a flight. Finally combining the two things Americans love most — waiting in airports and exercise.
Jimmy Fallon

Friday, March 31, 2017

A Toiuch Of Humor

Today, Vladimir Putin denied meddling in our presidential election. Not helping was that Putin made the statement from behind the desk in the Oval Office.
Conan O'Brien

Thursday, March 30, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.' 

Homer Simpson

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

It was announced that Canada plans to legalize marijuana by July of next year. It's exciting for Americans because now they can add weed to the list of drugs they buy in Canada.

Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy. 

Jerry Seinfeld

Monday, March 27, 2017

Saturday, March 25, 2017

A Touch Of Humor,

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”

Will Rogers

A Touch of Humor


A Touch of Humor

                                                                          Google Images

Friday, March 24, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. That's how you know it didn't go as you planned.

Kevin Hart

Thursday, March 23, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Yesterday was the L.A. Marathon. Actually there wasn’t supposed to be a marathon — people on the 405 freeway just gave up and got out of their cars.
Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

George Carlin

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. 

Homer Simpson

Monday, March 20, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin

Saturday, March 18, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off.

Ellen DeGeneres

Friday, March 17, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

I read about a marijuana dispensary in Los Angeles that doubles as an art gallery. Yep. Patrons stare at the art for hours before being told, “Sir, that’s an exit sign.”
Jimmy Fallon

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. 

Homer Simpson

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Many years after dropping out of Harvard, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is going back to get an honorary degree. Zuckerberg said he would have gone back sooner, but even he can’t afford college these days.
Conan O'Brien

Monday, March 13, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel." 

Jerry Seinfeld

Saturday, March 11, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”

Albert Einstein 

Friday, March 10, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

A new financial app from JP Morgan can now do in seconds what it once took Wall Street financiers 360,000 hours to accomplish. That’s right, the app wrecks the global economy.

Conan O'Brien

Thursday, March 9, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel. 

Homer Simpson

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

The tax deadline is about five weeks away. And this year, because of all the budget cuts at the IRS, the odds of getting audited are the lowest they’ve been in 13 years. Last year, only .7 percent were audited, down by 16 percent. This year, it’s expected to be lower than that. In other words, there has never been a better time to claim your Chihuahua as a dependent.

Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

A Touch of Humor

                                                            Finding the Hidden Joy

A Touch of Humor


A Touch Of Humor

I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise. 

Jerry Seinfeld

Monday, March 6, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

In California, an experimental self-driving Uber car drove through six red lights. In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test.
Conan O'Brien

Saturday, March 4, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?...Noooo...as funny as that is, I'm not

Ellen DeGeneres

Friday, March 3, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

Ben Affleck was patted down by TSA security at Los Angeles International Airport this week. Though when it was over, the woman whispered, “I’m not in the TSA.”
Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, March 2, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder. 

Homer Simpson

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Al Capone

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

"If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?"

George Carlin

Monday, February 27, 2017

A Touch of Humor

Once there was a cowboy who had two horses, and he couldn't tell them apart.

 One day he decided to cut one horse's tail short, but it grew right back again.

 Then he decided to cut the other horse's mane short, but it grew right back also.

 Then he measured them and found out the white horse was one inch taller than the black horse!

A Touch Of Humor

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was no one on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.

Ellen DeGeneres

Saturday, February 25, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

YouTube temporarily pulled a New York zoo’s live stream of a giraffe giving birth, after some complained that it was sexually explicit. I just want to say if you are watching an animal give birth and you think this is way too sexy, the problem is you.
James Corden

Friday, February 24, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

[Building New U.S. Border Walls] "It's guaranteed to keep out all Mexicans unless they get their hands on a ladder or a shovel."

Conan O'Brien

Thursday, February 23, 2017

A Touch of Humor

                                                       Proper Etiquette at the Intersection

A Touch of Humor


Wednesday, February 22, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

According to a new survey, 9 a.m. on a Sunday morning is the most popular time for couples to have sex. OK, so fair warning, they WILL kick you out of IHOP.
Seth Meyers

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

A Touch Of Humor

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

George Carlin