Friday, January 15, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Steven Wright

Thursday, January 14, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I tell you when I was a kid I got no respect, no respect at all. The time I was lost on a beach, a cop helped me look for my parents. I said to the cop, do you think we will find them? He said, I don’t know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

Rodney Dangerfield

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Ironic, isn’t it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.

 - Mr. Burns

Tuesday, January 12, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Some sports news. The NFL regular season is over and for the first time since 2002, the Cleveland Browns are going to the playoffs ... When they heard that they made the playoffs, the Browns were like, ‘There’s more games after the season? They do that every year?’

Jimmy Fallon 

Monday, January 11, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

The Senate will actually be split 50-50 with Vice President-elect Kamala Harris holding the tiebreaker that determines control. So essentially Harris is still going to be a Senator, pretty on-brand for America to elect their first woman Vice President and make her do her old job too. Only pay her for one of them.

 Stephen Colbert  

Friday, January 8, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

– Phyllis Diller

Thursday, January 7, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 “Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.”

– Ozzy Osbourne

Wednesday, January 6, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 “When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.”

– Norm Crosby

Tuesday, January 5, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Last week I saw my dentist. Another beauty, my dentist. I said to him can you put in a new tooth to match my other teeth? He put in a tooth with four cavities.

Rodney Dangerfield

Monday, January 4, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

In the fantasy mind of the golfing father, when he comes home, the family will come running out to hear the exciting stories of his golfing adventures. In reality, no one is even aware that he has left or returned. From 8 1/2 hours of idiotic hacking through sand and weeds while driving drunk in a clown car through a fake park.

Jerry Seinfeld

Friday, January 1, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 “Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'”

– Conan O’Brien