Friday, December 30, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above average drivers.

Dave Barry

Thursday, December 29, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Mitch Hedberg

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic."

Jane Wagner

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

Mark Twain

Monday, December 26, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.

Mark Twain

Friday, December 23, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

One paper managed to add a misprint to this misinformation when they ran with the headline, 'You Can Kill Buglers.' Let me tell you, that little typo cost the lives of 17 of our finest valveless brass enthusiasts."

John Oliver

A Touch Of Humor

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

All dogs go to heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

When cheese gets a picture taken, what does it say? 

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

George Carlin

Thursday, December 22, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

Health officials say there’s a new trend of women using marijuana during their pregnancy. Which explains why this year’s most popular baby name is Funyuns.
Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

NBC is launching an all-Olympic channel next year. It will feature the Summer Games, the Winter Games, and two years of commercials in between.
Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Health officials say there’s a new trend of women using marijuana during their pregnancy. This has given rise to another new trend — babies choosing to just stay in the womb and chill.
Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Today, Queen Elizabeth stepped down as the patron of children’s charities. The queen said, “I just realized I really hate kids.”
Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Facebook is testing a new group phone call feature that will let you talk on the phone with up to 50 friends at once. If you want to try it, you go to Facebook, you click on “Features,” and then select “Living Nightmare.”
Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

I want to say happy birthday to “Law & Order” creator Dick Wolf, who turned 70 today. And if you missed his party, don’t worry. It will repeat several times tonight and all day Sunday on the USA Network.
Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, December 15, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

It’s beginning to feel like Christmas here in Hollywood. There’s gingerbread syrup in our lattes. There’s fake snow in our outdoor shopping malls. Tiny Chihuahuas in Santa hats are peeking out of our Louis Vuitton bags. It’s really a wonderful time of the year.

Jimmy Kimmel

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

A Touch of Humor


A Touch of Humor


A Touch Of Humor

The Hallmark Channel is coming under fire for having mostly white actors as the stars of their Christmas movies. Then Hallmark said, “That’s not true. None of the actors in our movies are stars.”

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

The Better Business Bureau just released a list of the top 10 holiday scams to avoid. And get this, the list only cost me $200.

Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, December 8, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

United Airlines just announced a new plan where you will have to pay to store a carry-on in the overhead bin. What’s next? “In case of a water landing, your seat can be used as a flotation device for only $129. Major credit cards accepted.”

James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

I prefer the normal way of shopping through Amazon — buying stuff online at 2 a.m. and being surprised by whatever shows up at my front door.

James Corden

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

The CEO of Lego will be replaced next year. The new CEO’s head is being snapped on as we speak.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

The Supreme Court has ruled that Samsung did not violate Apple’s patent on smartphone technology. The justices said, “It’s clear that Samsung came up with the idea of a phone bursting into flames all by themselves.”

Conan O'Brien

Saturday, December 3, 2016

A Touch Of Humor


Subject: The Art Collector's Wife, courtesy of my friend Ben Haney
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million, and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done!  My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day.
Now I know I can handle the bad news.  What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary
."