A Touch of Humor

 

“If hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”

— Thomas Edison

A Touch of Humor

 

“My girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo… so I had to put my foot down.”

— Mitch Hedberg

A Touch of Humor

 

“I wonder what chairs think about all day… ‘Oh no, here comes another asshole.’

— Bill Burr

A Touch of Humor

 

 

                                                              “I used to play piano by ear, now I use my hands.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

— Bob Hope

A Touch of Humor

 

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”

— Tina Fey

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.”

— Paula Poundstone

A Touch of Humor

 

“I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

 

“You can’t have everything… where would you put it?”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.

— Jack Benny

A Touch of Humor

 

“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.”

— Bill Gates

A Touch of Humor

 

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.”

— Charles Bukowski

A Touch of Humor

 

“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”

— Jim Carrey

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t go crazy—I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.”

— Rita Rudner

A Touch of Humor

 

“You’re only as good as your last haircut.”

— Fran Lebowitz

A Touch of Humor

 

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

— Stewart Francis

A Touch of Humor

 

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“I’m in shape… round is a shape.”

Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”

Bob Hope

A Touch of Humor

 

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

Joan Rivers

A Touch of Humor

 

“My wife and I have an agreement: I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 

“My wife and I don’t argue. We just have loud, passionate exchanges of opinion.”

— Bill Burr

A Touch of Humor

 

“Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.”

— Robin Williams

A Touch of Humor

 

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”

— Lily Tomlin

A Touch of Humor

 

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

— Oscar Wilde

A Touch of Humor

 

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

— George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

 

“I like nonsense—it wakes up the brain cells.”

— Dr. Seuss

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop being idiots.”

— Bill Burr

A Touch of Humor

 

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”

— Dalai Lama

A Touch of Humor

 

“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.”

— Red Skelton

A Touch of Humor

 

“My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees with me.”

— Milton Berle

A Touch of Humor

 

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

— Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant twice a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music… she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

— Henny Youngman

A Touch of Humor

 

“Hotel breakfast buffets are where scrambled eggs go to retire.”

— Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 

“Travel teaches you patience, humility, and how to sleep sitting upright.”

— Bill Murray

A Touch of Humor

 

“They tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. Which is exactly how I treat relationships.”

— Whitney Cummings

A Touch of Humor

 

“Hotel pillows are either rocks or marshmallows.”

— Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 

“Nothing bonds strangers like complaining about traffic.”

— Wanda Sykes

A Touch of Humor

 

“Couples don’t fight. They just passionately explain why they’re right.”

— Bill Burr

A Touch of Humor

 

“Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.”

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

A Touch of Humor

 

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”

— Will Rogers

A Touch of Wisdom

 

“I don’t go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me at home.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.”

— Bill Murray

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t have a bucket list. I have a ‘to-do before I get too tired’ list.”

— Kathleen Madigan

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“Love is temporary. Compatibility is the real miracle.”

— Chris Rock

A Touch of Humor

 

“When you’re single, all you see are happy couples. When you’re married, all you see are happy singles.”

— Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 

“I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, ‘Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.’ So I got her nothing.”

— Henny Youngman

A Touch of Humor

 

“You don’t realize how much you love someone until you try to pick a movie together.”

— Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”

— Jim Carrey