Friday, January 5, 2024

A Touch of Humor

 I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

Bernard Manning 

Thursday, January 4, 2024

A Touch of Humor

 The average person eats nine spiders, every time I cook for them.

Anthony Jeselnik

Wednesday, January 3, 2024

A Touch of Humor

 Our attention span is short. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - Too Busy Disorder.

Ellen DeGeneres

Monday, January 1, 2024

A Touch of Humor

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Andy Rooney

A Touch of Humor

 A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" The doctor told her, "Don't worry. Those are just contractions."

Friday, December 29, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Facebook unveiled a new feature called "Nearby Friends" that broadcasts your location using your phone's GPS. It was originally called "Murder Me Whenever" but they changed it for marketing purposes. 

Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, December 28, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Health inspectors will give New York street food vendors letter grades, so if you see a streetcar with the letters A, B or C, that's just the type of hepatitis you'll get.

Jimmy Fallon