What a doctor. Oh, one time I saw him. He gave me sleeping pills. He told me to take them whenever I wake up.
And I saw my dentist, too. Another beauty. I said to him, "Doc, look at my teeth. They're all getting yellow." He told me to wear a brown neck tie.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
Steve Martin
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40 years ago when I started doing standup, everyone told me it was a great way to meet women. We'll see. I joined a dating site for people my age called carbon dating.
Andy Huggins
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You have to be ready for anything when you have kids.
One time, my son was four years old, we came back from the drugstore at the mall and he pulls a candy bar out of his pocket. Now I didn't buy him a candy bar. I knew he didn't pay for it.
So we jump back in the car, we drive back to the mall.
And this time, we went to a jewelry store.
Brian Kiley
The stones. I love the stones. I can't believe they're still doing it after all these years, watch them whenever I can. Fred and Barney.
Steven Wright
Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Ann Landers
Authorities in Michigan are looking for a group of thieves that recently stole 22,000 apples from an orchard. If convicted they could be sentenced to up to three more weekends of apple picking.
Seth Meyers
