"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
- Steven Wright
"I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, 'Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.' So, I got her nothing."
- Conan O'Brien
Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.
- Ogden Nash
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
- Anthony Burgess
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
- Clint Eastwood
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
- Jules Renard
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
- Paula Poundstone