A Touch Of Humor

Friday, January 30, 2026

“I don’t need more time. I need fewer opinions.”

— Trevor Noah

“I don’t procrastinate. I strategically delay.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“Every meeting could’ve been an email. Including this sentence.”

— Conan O’Brien

“I organize things so I can ignore them efficiently.”

— Ellen DeGeneres

“I’m not late. I’m on my own schedule.”

— George Carlin

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Steven Wright

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

-Kristen Schaal