"Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute."
George Bernard Shaw
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
― Groucho Marx
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they’d be bagels.
I googled “Rorshach test.”
But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for
. W. C. Fields
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.
Jerome K. Jerome
I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
- Jackie Mason
"I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches."
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
"I can resist everything except temptation."
- Oscar Wilde
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
- Rodney Dangerfield
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
- Rita Rudner