A Touch Of Humor

Speaking of vaccinations, I saw that people will soon be able to get their vaccine shots in airports like LaGuardia. New Yorkers heard and we’re like, “I’m flying through LaGuardia! Do you think I care about living.”

Jimmy Fallon 

A Touch Of Humor

 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Unijokes.com

A Touch Of Humor

 At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all is, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!" The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "I'm gonna go pick her up."

Unijokes.com

A Touch Of Humor

La-Z-Boy executives said customers could expect delivery dates that are 5 to 9 months out from their order dates. 5 to 9 months is ridiculous! I expect a little more hustle out of La-Z-Boy.

Stephen Colbert 

A Touch Of Humor

The Simpsons 

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, the results of your physical are very concerning. You’re 80 pounds overweight!

Homer: I wore my socks on the scale. 

Dr. Hibbert: And your cholesterol is sky high!

Homer: Go big or go home. 

Dr. Hibbert: Oh, and your testosterone is just a little bit low. 

Homer: Testosterone! That’s what fuels my punching and yelling. And my undeserved confidence. Now I’ll never be an NFL quarterback/international superspy! Ooohhh!!!

A Touch Of Humor

According to a new report, some US airlines may start weighing passengers before they board their flights.

Now when you get to the airport, you get searched and weighed. We’re basically a urine sample away from being a full physical. 

Jimmy Fallon 

A Touch Of Humor

 A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.  The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Unijokes.com

A Touch Of Humor

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” – George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

Funny Wrong Predictions

"The world potential market for copying machines is 5,000 at most."

IBM, to the eventual founders of Xerox, saying the photocopier had no market large enough to justify production, 1959.

A Touch Of Humor

The government is doing all they can to get people vaccinated. Today I read The Biden Administration is teaming up with McDonald’s to help raise vaccine awareness. So get ready for the all new McDerna. You know we’re living through historic times when McDonald’s is giving public health advice.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

I doubt we have much in common (Wyoming Republican Congresswomen Liz Cheney) I’ve never been to Wyoming and I have no plans to go. But not because it isn’t beautiful which I’m sure it is. But as a New Yorker if there isn’t a bodega within a five minute walking distance where I can get batteries, deodorant, a single roll of toilet paper, an egg and cheese on a roll and hear people complaining about [NY Mayor] deBlasio in multiple languages, I can’t live there.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there's no god.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

[Mercedes’ new giant touch screen] When it debuts in late 2021 [we] will be looking at a screen nearly 5 feet across that provides various ‘infotainment, comfort and vehicle functions.’ Hey! You know what’s super compelling infotainment to watch while you’re driving? The road!

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

 A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

 The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

Unijokes.com

A Touch Of Humor

Authorities in Pennsylvania announced last week that they arrested a man after they discovered $1 million worth of crystal meth, six so-called ghost guns and Nazi paraphernalia during a raid. And now the man is trying to decide if he should accept a plea deal or just go ahead and run for Congress.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

Wrinkles are something other people have, 

similar to my character lines.

Author Unknown (Published on my friend Tom Brown’s Facebook page)

A Touch Of Humor

Like today I got two kids and that’s rough too. You can’t talk to kids today. My boy’s birthday last week, we had a party, put out a cake, the kid blew out all the candles. I said I hope your wish comes true. He said if it does it’s the last time you’ll watch me blow out candles.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

Marge: Evelyn, this is my husband Homer.

Homer: A very polite hello to you madam.

Evelyn: Well well – Homer Simpson. I’ve heard so much about you.

Homer: Surely you have. But in my defense urinating on a privately owned merry-go-round is not public urination.

A Touch Of Humor

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Mark Twain

Humor courtesy of my friend Ben Haney

A Touch Of Humor

 A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

Unijokes.com

A Touch Of Humor

We learned yesterday that American tourists who have been fully vaccinated against COVID-19 will be able to visit the European Union over the summer. Hot damn, I can’t wait to travel to fabulous destinations like anywhere but my grocery store. 

 Stephen Colbert