A Touch of Humor

 Facebook unveiled a new feature called "Nearby Friends" that broadcasts your location using your phone's GPS. It was originally called "Murder Me Whenever" but they changed it for marketing purposes. 

Jimmy Kimmel

A Touch of Humor

 Health inspectors will give New York street food vendors letter grades, so if you see a streetcar with the letters A, B or C, that's just the type of hepatitis you'll get.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

 A new study found that hand dryers in bathrooms spread more germs than paper towels. And then the makers of hand dryers said, But don't forget, we also don't dry your hands.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

  Mark Zuckerberg is not having a good day. Things are so bad for him right now that Facebook is showing him ads for Xanax.

Trevor Noah

A Touch of Humor

 Why did Santa’s helper start going to therapy? He had low “elf” esteem.

What do Santa’s helpers learn in school? The elf-abet. 

What do you call a frozen elf? An elfcicle!

What would you find on an elf’s Instagram account? Lots of elf-ies.

What is an elf’s favorite candy? Orna-mints. 

What do you call an elf that just won the lottery? Welfy. 

What sport do Christmas elves compete in? North Pole-vaulting.

Who is the best singer in the North Pole? Elf-is Presley.

What’s an elf’s favorite sport? Miniature golf.

What was the elf allergic to? Sh-Elf-ish.

What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate clauses!

(I'll see myself out now, Merry Christmas!)

A Touch of Humor

 "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

 - Stewart Francis

A Touch of Humor

  "I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."

-Stephen Colbert

A Touch of Humor

  "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies." ️

-Lenny Bruce

A Touch of Humor

 "What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care."

-Monty Python

A Touch of Humor

"I'm so good at multitasking that I can waste time and be unproductive at the same time." ‍

- Samantha Bee

A Touch of Humor

 "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."

-Trevor Noah

A Touch of Humor

  "I tried to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend, but he took things literally."

-Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

  "I hate when I'm watching TV and a character does something stupid and I think to myself, 'That's exactly what I would do.'"

-Conan O'Brien

A Touch of Humor

 "I asked the doctor to recommend a daily workout. He said, 'Try getting up every day.'"

 - Joan Rivers

A Touch of Humor

 "I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."

- Tommy Cooper

A Touch of Humor

 I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

Zach Galifianakis

A Touch of Humor

 Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Rita Rudner

A Touch of Humor

 People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."

Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

  What did the elephant say to the naked man? It’s cute but can it pick up peanuts?

Anonymous

A Touch of Humor

 I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

Bill Hicks