Friday, December 29, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Facebook unveiled a new feature called "Nearby Friends" that broadcasts your location using your phone's GPS. It was originally called "Murder Me Whenever" but they changed it for marketing purposes. 

Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, December 28, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Health inspectors will give New York street food vendors letter grades, so if you see a streetcar with the letters A, B or C, that's just the type of hepatitis you'll get.

Jimmy Fallon

Wednesday, December 27, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 A new study found that hand dryers in bathrooms spread more germs than paper towels. And then the makers of hand dryers said, But don't forget, we also don't dry your hands.

Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, December 26, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  Mark Zuckerberg is not having a good day. Things are so bad for him right now that Facebook is showing him ads for Xanax.

Trevor Noah

Monday, December 25, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Why did Santa’s helper start going to therapy? He had low “elf” esteem.

What do Santa’s helpers learn in school? The elf-abet. 

What do you call a frozen elf? An elfcicle!

What would you find on an elf’s Instagram account? Lots of elf-ies.

What is an elf’s favorite candy? Orna-mints. 

What do you call an elf that just won the lottery? Welfy. 

What sport do Christmas elves compete in? North Pole-vaulting.

Who is the best singer in the North Pole? Elf-is Presley.

What’s an elf’s favorite sport? Miniature golf.

What was the elf allergic to? Sh-Elf-ish.

What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate clauses!

(I'll see myself out now, Merry Christmas!)

Friday, December 22, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

 - Stewart Francis

Thursday, December 21, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  "I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."

-Stephen Colbert

Wednesday, December 20, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies." ️

-Lenny Bruce

Tuesday, December 19, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care."

-Monty Python

Monday, December 18, 2023

A Touch of Humor

"I'm so good at multitasking that I can waste time and be unproductive at the same time." ‍

Samantha Bee

Friday, December 15, 2023

Thursday, December 14, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  "I tried to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend, but he took things literally."

-Jimmy Fallon

Wednesday, December 13, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  "I hate when I'm watching TV and a character does something stupid and I think to myself, 'That's exactly what I would do.'"

-Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, December 12, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I asked the doctor to recommend a daily workout. He said, 'Try getting up every day.'"

 - Joan Rivers

Monday, December 11, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."

- Tommy Cooper

Friday, December 8, 2023

Thursday, December 7, 2023

A Touch of Humor

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

Zach Galifianakis

Wednesday, December 6, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Rita Rudner

Tuesday, December 5, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."

Jim Gaffigan

Monday, December 4, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  What did the elephant say to the naked man? It’s cute but can it pick up peanuts?


Friday, December 1, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

Bill Hicks