“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”
– Charles Wadsworth
[Royal Caribbean is relaunching their cruises] Some of the ships’ Covid precautions include sailing at half capacity with mandatory masks at all times, mingling discouraged and no stops. So you’re on a big ship but it doesn’t dock anywhere and you can’t see anyone. Perfect vacation if you’ve been cooped up for the last nine months and thought, ‘I love my apartment but I wish it was smaller and gave me motion sickness.’
Trump still has 45 days in office ... We shouldn’t have this much time between the election and the inauguration. We should treat the White House like it’s America’s Airbnb. You lose the election, check out’s at 11 AM, next morning ... Leave the keys under the mat. New president checks in at 3(PM).
A new report has found that platypus fur glows green under UV light. Now, I know what you’re saying: ‘You’re saying, Stephen why are these people shining UV lights on platypuses?’ Well, one of the researchers explained, ‘It was a mix of serendipity and curiosity…’
Buddy that’s a lot of $10 words just to say me and Dale got high in the lab.
New Rule: Neighbors of the Georgia woman who turned her porch into a restaurant for chipmunks must conduct a wellness check. Hey, we all get lonely during a pandemic, but turning your porch into an Applebee’s for rodents? All I know is get there early in the day cause dinner is nuts.
I heard that a lot of Peloton [stationary bikes] customers are upset because their orders have been delayed for months. Right now customers are like ‘how am I supposed to regret buying this thing if it never comes.’ You can tell Peloton is getting desperate. Today they mailed people a Schwinn with a 9 inch TV duct taped to it.
The Daily Show With Trevor Noah
Dulce Sloan: Having Kamala as his Veep is great for Joe Biden too. She's smart, she's experienced and as long as she's there, Republicans are never going to impeach him. He could straight up sell Florida and the GOP would be like - still can't risk that black lady being President.
My Alexa is acting up. So I say to her, every morning, Alexa would you play this song? And now she says to me two days ago, ‘no, I don’t like that song.’ I said Alexa I need the recipe for blueberry pancakes. She goes, ‘you don’t need that. You don’t want that.’ And then last night I’m watching the Yankee game and I wanted to check in on the Lakers score. I said what’s the Lakers score Alexa? Alexa, what’s the Lakers score? She says, ‘who gives a shit, I’m watching the Dodger game.’
This is interesting. I saw that starting in November, Singapore will offer cruises to nowhere. [CNN: Singapore introduces ‘cruises to nowhere’ for travel starved locals] So they’re basically just going to go out and float and come back. So if you’re tired of being cooped up at home, try it in a smaller room that rocks back-and-forth.
I saw that Apple is now involved in a pretty interesting lawsuit. Listen to this: [WMTW TV - “Apple is suing a former recycling partner in Canada for allegedly not doing its job. Apple claims the recycling company actually resold more than 100,000 iPhones, iPads and Apple Watches that they were supposed to destroy.”] Apple was like, hey reselling the same phone over and over is our thing.
The White House and The CDC have been clashing over how to handle cruise lines during the pandemic. [NBC: “The CDC is extending its ban on cruising from US ports thru the end of this month (October). Axios is reporting The CDC’s director wanted to extend the order until February but Vice President Pence overruled him.”] Even the cruise ships know it’s a bad idea. For a 6 day trip they tell you to pack for 9 months.
HLN news report: “Foot Locker is turning thousands of their stores into voter registration sites, just six weeks before the election.“
It’s perfect cause when a fight breaks out, there will be four people dressed like referees to handle it.
New Rule: The veterinarians at a Polish zoo who say they’ve been conducting a study of the stress relieving affect of marijuana on elephants have to admit what really happened. You’re high and someone said, ‘let’s get the elephants stoned’ and you did!
As CBD (marijuana) continues to become more and more popular, an unlikely celebrity has launched her own line. That’s right, Martha Stewart is launching her own CBD line. Even crazier, Snoop Dogg is launching his own line of table cloths and pie tins.
Here’s your Quarantine Tip of the day: Now that movie theaters are starting to open up again, you gotta stay safe. So please, make sure to get the extra large popcorn, the extra large candy and the extra large drink. Covid can’t get you if diabetes kills you first!
A Urologist's office teleconferenceMy Urologist's office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone due to the coronavirus. One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was instructed (via email) to administer my own urine test. This was to avoid those lab tests and costly co-pays that your doctor's tell you to get, and because they're shutdown too.
Simply go outside and pee on the front lawn.
If ant's gather: DIABETES.
If you pee on your feet: PROSTATE.
If it smells like a barbecue: CHOLESTEROL.
If your wrist hurts when you shake it: OSTEOARTHRITIS.
If you return to your house with your unit outside your pants:
This is interesting! It’s only August but check out what’s already showing up in stores. “We’re still in summer but Halloween candy displays have arrived even earlier this year.” [CNN] Why do we ever need Halloween this year? Every day we’re walking around in a mask completely terrified.
Let’s get to some business news as movie theaters across the country attempt to reopen. AMC has come up with a way to bring customers back. Listen to this: “AMC has announced it is re-opening it’s theaters next week and tickets will be just 15 cents on the reopening day.” [News Report] Yep! For 15 cents you can spend two hours in full panic wondering if it was worth it.
Well guys, here’s some big news! It was announced today that there’s a new vaccine to treat the coronavirus!
Russia now claims to have a coronavirus vaccine, which is great. Because if there’s one thing I know about Russia they never lie about drug tests.