A Touch of Humor

 Facebook unveiled a new feature called "Nearby Friends" that broadcasts your location using your phone's GPS. It was originally called "Murder Me Whenever" but they changed it for marketing purposes. 

Jimmy Kimmel

A Touch of Humor

 Health inspectors will give New York street food vendors letter grades, so if you see a streetcar with the letters A, B or C, that's just the type of hepatitis you'll get.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

 A new study found that hand dryers in bathrooms spread more germs than paper towels. And then the makers of hand dryers said, But don't forget, we also don't dry your hands.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

  Mark Zuckerberg is not having a good day. Things are so bad for him right now that Facebook is showing him ads for Xanax.

Trevor Noah

A Touch of Humor

 Why did Santa’s helper start going to therapy? He had low “elf” esteem.

What do Santa’s helpers learn in school? The elf-abet. 

What do you call a frozen elf? An elfcicle!

What would you find on an elf’s Instagram account? Lots of elf-ies.

What is an elf’s favorite candy? Orna-mints. 

What do you call an elf that just won the lottery? Welfy. 

What sport do Christmas elves compete in? North Pole-vaulting.

Who is the best singer in the North Pole? Elf-is Presley.

What’s an elf’s favorite sport? Miniature golf.

What was the elf allergic to? Sh-Elf-ish.

What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate clauses!

(I'll see myself out now, Merry Christmas!)

A Touch of Humor

 "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

 - Stewart Francis

A Touch of Humor

  "I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."

-Stephen Colbert

A Touch of Humor

  "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies." ️

-Lenny Bruce

A Touch of Humor

 "What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care."

-Monty Python

A Touch of Humor

"I'm so good at multitasking that I can waste time and be unproductive at the same time." ‍

- Samantha Bee

A Touch of Humor

 "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."

-Trevor Noah

A Touch of Humor

  "I tried to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend, but he took things literally."

-Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

  "I hate when I'm watching TV and a character does something stupid and I think to myself, 'That's exactly what I would do.'"

-Conan O'Brien

A Touch of Humor

 "I asked the doctor to recommend a daily workout. He said, 'Try getting up every day.'"

 - Joan Rivers

A Touch of Humor

 "I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."

- Tommy Cooper

A Touch of Humor

 I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

Zach Galifianakis

A Touch of Humor

 Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Rita Rudner

A Touch of Humor

 People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."

Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

  What did the elephant say to the naked man? It’s cute but can it pick up peanuts?

Anonymous

A Touch of Humor

 I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

Bill Hicks

A Touch of Humor

 I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, 'cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. "Yes, hello I'd like some B-batteries." "What kind?" "B-batteries." "What kind?" "B-batteries!" and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. "Yes, I would like de batteries."

Demetri Martin

A Touch of Humor

 There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

 While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

- Henny Youngman

A Touch of Humor

 What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 Thirty-six percent of Americans say that they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman. That's an easy mistake to make.

- John Oliver

A Touch of Humor

 My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 Democracy is like a tambourine: not everyone can be trusted with it.

John Oliver

A Touch of Humor

 Reading isn't good for a ballplayer. Not good for his eyes. If my eyes went bad even a little bit I couldn't hit home runs. So I gave up reading.

- Babe Ruth

A Touch of Humor

 If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 You would play house, you would fake vacuum. Fake vacuum with your friends, that was awesome. It's great because when I see my wife vacuum now I'm like, 'She is living her childhood dream.'

Nate Bargatze

A Touch of Humor

 I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

Steve Martin

A Touch of Humor

 Truth is weirder than any fiction I've seen.

- Hunter S. Thompson

A Touch of Humor

 If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. 

- Robert A. Heinlein

A Touch of Humor

 My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. 

- Mike Myers

A Touch of Humor

 Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? 

- Phyllis Diller

A Touch of Humor

 The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.

- Al Gore

A Touch of Humor

 Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. 

- W. C. Fields

A Touch of Humor

 Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?"

Ellen DeGeneres 

A Touch of Humor

 I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.

Peter Cook

A Touch of Humor

 I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own.

Si Robertson

A Touch of Humor

 A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.

Fatz Domino

A Touch of Humor

 True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

Kurt Vonnegut

A Touch of Humor

 I live about four muggings from Central Park.

Henny Youngman

A Touch of Humor

 A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 Male comics are always coming up to me, and they’re like, ‘Hey, Natasha, don’t you think you’re a little attractive to be a comedian?’ And I’m like, ‘Don’t you think you’re a little ugly to be talking to me?’

Natasha Leggero

A Touch of Humor

 I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

Tommy Cooper

A Touch of Humor

 I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

Bill Hicks

A Touch of Humor

 Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

Andy Rooney

A Touch of Humor

 I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.

Anthony Jeselnik

A Touch of Humor

 I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch of Humor

 In Texas an 18 year old was arrested for giving marijuana to his 2 year old nephew. Authorities were outraged, but he had a good defense– he said “Have you ever baby-sat for a 2 year old?”

A Touch of Humor

It was revealed that Pope Francis has been spontaneously calling Catholics to comfort them, earning the nickname the “Cold Call Pope.” He’s also apparently convinced many of them to switch to Sprint, get their carpets cleaned and sign up with DirecTV.

A Touch of Humor

I saved several hours by not buying and reading “Time Management For Dummies.”

A Touch of Humor

 On-line shopping when you’re drunk is really cool. Because a few days later you get all these gifts you didn’t expect, sent by someone who knows you pretty well.

A Touch of Humor

 At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Emo Phillips

A Touch of Humor

 Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

 "I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."

 - Stephen Colbert

A Touch of Humor

 "I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for me on Tuesday."

 - Conan O'Brien

A Touch of Humor

 "I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for me on Tuesday."

 - Conan O'Brien

A Touch of Humor

 "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

 - Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 "I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, 'Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.' So, I got her nothing."

- Conan O'Brien

A Touch of Humor

 Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

-  Ogden Nash

A Touch of Humor

 Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. 

- Anthony Burgess

A Touch of Humor

 They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. 

- Clint Eastwood

A Touch of Humor

 Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. 

- Jules Renard

A Touch of Humor

 I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. 

- Paula Poundstone

A Touch of Humor

 If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month. 

- Theodore Roosevelt

A Touch of Humor

 It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. 

- Thomas Sowell

A Touch of Humor

 Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. 

- Mark Twain

A Touch of Humor

 "I asked the librarian if they had books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you!'"

Jay Leno

A Touch of Humor

"If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?"

Jimmy Kimmel

A Touch of Humor

 "My therapist told me to be more assertive. I said no."

Seth Meyers

A Touch of Humor

 "I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I thought, 'That sounds like a fair trade.'"

Jay Leno

A Touch of Humor

 Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

 So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

Dave Attell

A Touch of Humor

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."

 - Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised." 

- Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands." 

- Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 "I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?"

 - Ernest Hemingway

A Touch of Humor

 It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country though. "Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food."

Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Woody Allen

A Touch of Humor

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

Touch of Humor

 I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

Sam Kinison

A Touch of Humor

 Me, I'm dishonest, and you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest. Honestly, it's the honest ones you have to watch out for.

 Johnny Depp

A Touch of Humor

 My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. 

Henny Youngman

A Touch of Humor

 I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

Emo Phillips

A Touch of Humor

 When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

  “I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”

—Bob Hope

A Touch of Humor

  “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”

—Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear

A Touch of Humor

 First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Steve Martin

A Touch of Humor

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

Fred Allen

A Touch of Humor

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.

Maria Bamford

A Touch of Humor

 We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. "Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth." Or, "I've got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth."

Brad Stine

A Touch of Humor

  "I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything."

Demetri Martin

A Touch of Humor

 My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Andy Rooney quotes

A Touch of Humor

 Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.

Gilbert Godfried

A Touch of Humor

 I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

 Zach Galifianakis

A Touch of Humor

 "For fast-acting relief, try slowing down."

-Lily Tomlin

A Touch of Humor

"What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me."

-Amy Poehler

A Touch of Humor

 "I never feel more alone than when I'm trying to put sunscreen on my back." 

- Jimmy Kimmel

A Touch of Humor

 "The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby."

 - Natalie Wood

A Touch of Humor

 "The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."

 - Joan Rivers

A Touch of Humor

 I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

Daniel Tosh

A Touch of Humor

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

 Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"

Emo Phillips

A Touch of Humor

  "I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."

-Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

  "I was coming home from kindergarten--well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years."

-Ellen Degeneres.

A Touch of Humor

  "Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."

-Demetri Martin.

A Touch of Humor

 "I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'"

Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 "My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." 

- Milton Berle

A Touch of Humor

"I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago, it was grass.'" 

- Phyllis Diller

A Touch of Humor

"A woman in California recently gave birth in a Chick-fil-A parking lot. When asked why she chose Chick-fil-A, she said, 'I wanted my baby to be delivered with a side of waffle fries.'" 

- Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

 "According to a new study, dogs can understand human emotions. And in a related study, humans can understand that dogs want treats." 

- Jimmy Kimmel

A Touch of Humor

"A man in Texas was arrested for stealing more than $1.2 million worth of fajitas over nine years. When asked why he did it, he said, 'I was just trying to spice up my life.'" 

- Jimmy Kimmel

A Touch of Humor

 "I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it."

- Ken Dodd

A Touch of Humor

 "I've been on a diet for two weeks, and all I've lost is 14 days." 

- Totie Fields

A Touch of Humor

 I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say, "Yeah? When?"

Bill Hicks

A Touch of Humor

 If you can see the handwriting on the wall … you're on the toilet.

Redd Foxx

A Touch of Humor

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

-Robin Williams

A Touch of Humor

 But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move."

-Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 "I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early or acting like you know what you're doing." 

- Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 "I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do the day after."

 - Oscar Wilde

A Touch of Humor

 Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 

George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

 "Scientists have found that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98% accuracy. The other 2% just thought it was a really cute butt." 

- Conan O'Brien

A Touch of Humor

 "I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives." 

- David Letterman

A Touch of Humor

 "The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about." 

- Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

 "Some people say that money can't buy happiness, but I think it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle." 

- Conan O'Brien

A Touch of Humor

 "I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you."

 - Jimmy Kimmel

A Touch of Humor

 "I love airports because the rules of society don't apply. You can walk around in your socks; you can throw a tantrum; you can eat a Nature Valley granola bar for dinner." 

- Seth Meyers

A Touch of Humor

 "I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted.' There was another sign below it that said 'self-service.' So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit." 

- Jay Leno

A Touch of Humor

 The more you take, the more you leave behind. What am I? 

Answer: Footsteps.

A Touch of Humor

 What has a heart that doesn't beat? 

Answer: An artichoke.

A Touch of Humor

 "I have a photographic memory, but it's out of film."

 - Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

A Touch of Humor

 Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. 

Mae West

A Touch of Humor

 “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”

― Will Rogers

A Touch of Humor

 "I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug." 

- Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. 

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch of Humor

 Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before. 

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”

—Anonymous

A Touch of Humor

 “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”

—Will Ferrell

A Touch of Humor

 The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education. 

Albert Einstein

A Touch of Humor

 What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. 

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 “I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.”

― Bill Watterson

A Touch of Humor

  "Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute."

George Bernard Shaw

A Touch of Humor

 Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. 

George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

 “A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

― Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Seuss inspired me to try cauliflower! 

-Jim Carrey

A Touch of Humor

 If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one. 

Andy Rooney

A Touch of Humor

 I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' 

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

A Touch of Humor

 Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

A Touch of Humor

 Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Because then they’d be bagels.

A Touch of Humor

 I googled “Rorshach test.”

But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

A Touch of Humor

 I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for

. W. C. Fields

A Touch of Humor

 The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

 Robin Williams

A Touch of Humor

 If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? 

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. 

Jerome K. Jerome

A Touch of Humor

I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat. Harold Wilson

A Touch of Humor

 "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." 

- Jackie Mason

A Touch of Humor

"I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches."

 - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

A Touch of Humor

 "I can resist everything except temptation." 

- Oscar Wilde

A Touch of Humor

 "I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."

 - Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."

 - Rita Rudner

A Touch of Humor

 "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." 

- Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 "I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun." 

- Arnold Schwarzenegger

A Touch of Humor

 "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."

 - Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 "I'm a terrible cook, but I'm an excellent eater." 

- Anthony Bourdain

A Touch of Humor

 "I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure." 

- Tommy Cooper

A Touch of Humor

 In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.

Demetri Martin

A Touch of Humor

 You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

Yogi Berra

A Touch of Humor

 If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.

Bill Vaughan

A Touch of Humor

 Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.

J. Paul Getty

A Touch of Humor

 Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.

Voltaire

A Touch of Humor

 If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Scott Adams

A Touch of Humor

 “I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.”

Homer Simpson

A Touch of Humor

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.”

 — Jeff Valdez

A Touch of Humor

 “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” 

—Nora Ephron

A Touch of Humor

 “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” 

- Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

  “I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.”

 —Shane Richie

A Touch of Humor

 . “We use 10% of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60%.” 

—Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch of Humor

 I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.”

So we stopped playing chess.

A Touch of Humor

  What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again?

 A dirty double-crosser.

A Touch of Humor

 What do you call a hippie’s wife? 

Mississippi.

A Touch of Humor

 What did one DNA say to the other DNA? 

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

A Touch of Humor

 I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

 Rodney Dangerfield

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A Touch of Humor

 When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. 

Henny Youngman

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A Touch of Humor

 We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

 Milton Berle

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A Touch of Humor

 If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like.

 William Feather

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A Touch of Humor

 Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

 Jerry Seinfeld

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A Touch of Humor

 I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.

 Muhammad Ali

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A Touch of Humor

 Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it. 

Harry S Truman

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A Touch of Humor

 The main problem with writing in verse is, if your fourth line doesn't come out right, you've got to throw four lines away and figure out a whole new way to attack the problem. So the mortality rate is terrific.

- Dr. Seuss

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A Touch of Humor

 Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million. 

Arnold Schwarzenegger

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A Touch of Humor

 If you think health care is expensive now, just wait 'til it's free. 

P. J. O'Rourke

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A Touch of Humor

 I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. 

George Carlin

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A Touch of Humor

 I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. 

Mitch Hedberg

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A Touch of Humor

 I had a great shoe contract and glove contract with a company who paid me a lot of money never to be seen using their stuff. 

Bob Uecker

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A Touch of Humor

 It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen. 

- Dolly Parton

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A Touch of Humor

 I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

 Henny Youngman

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A Touch of Humor

 “The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.”

― Mark Twain

A Touch of Humor

 “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”

― Phyllis Diller

A Touch of Humor

 “Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”

― Dr. Seuss

A Touch of Humor

  “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”

—Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory

A Touch of Humor

 A smile is a facelift that’s in everyone’s price range!

Tom Wilson

A Touch of Humor

 “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”

― Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 “Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”

― Albert Einstein

A Touch of Humor

 Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Seuss inspired me to try cauliflower! 

Jim Carrey

A Touch of Humor

 I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. 

-Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

-Joan Rivers

A Touch of Humor

 Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings. 

-Sparky Anderson

A Touch of Humor

 I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. 

-Elayne Boosler

A Touch of Humor

 If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. 

-William Lyon Phelps

A Touch of Humor

 I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. 

-Tommy Cooper

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A Touch of Humor

 I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. 

-Paul Simon

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A Touch of Humor

 Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 

-Don Marquis

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A Touch of Humor

 A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. 

-Yogi Berra

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A Touch of Humor

 I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. 

-Warren Buffett

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A Touch of Humor

 I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. 

-Ron White

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A Touch of Humor

 I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination. 

-Hunter S. Thompson

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A Touch of Humor

 “A study in the Washington Post says that women have

better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the

authors of that study: 'Duh.”

― Conan O'Brien

A Touch of Humor

 “Everything in this room is edible. Even I'm edible. But, that would be called canibalism. It is looked down upon in most societies.”

― Tim Burton, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

A Touch of Humor

 “If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”

― Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 “If you're horrible to me, I'm going to write a song about it, and you won't like it. That's how I operate.”

― Taylor Swift

A Touch of Humor

 “Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.”

― Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 “The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.”

― Lily Tomlin

A Touch of Humor

 “To be is to do - Socrates

To do is to be - Sartre

Do Be Do Be Do - Sinatra”

― Kurt Vonnegut

A Touch of Humor

 “When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles

and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...

...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle

bottle paddle battle.”

― Dr. Seuss, Fox in Socks

A Touch of Humor

 “A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.”

― Amanda Cross

A Touch of Humor

 “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

― Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 “I don't want tea," said Clary, with muffled force. "I want to find my mother. And then I want to find out who took her in the first place, and I want to kill them."

"Unfortunately," said Hodge, "we're all out of bitter revenge at the moment, so it's either tea or nothing.”

― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

A Touch of Humor

 “I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.”

― Arthur C. Clarke

A Touch of Humor

 “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

― Mark Twain

A Touch of Humor

 “Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

A Touch of Humor

 “History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”

― Winston S. Churchill

A Touch of Humor

 “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

― Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 “Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!”

― Dr. Seuss

A Touch of Humor

 “Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!”

― George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”

― Mark Twain

A Touch of Humor

 “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

― W.C. Fields

A Touch of Humor

 “THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. We are here to help you.

2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings.

3. The dress code will be enforced.

4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds.

5. Our football team will win the championship this year.

6. We expect more of you here.

7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen.

8. Your schedule was created with you in mind.

9. Your locker combination is private.

10. These will be the years you look back on fondly.

TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. You will use algebra in your adult lives.

2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away.

3. Students must stay on campus during lunch.

4. The new text books will arrive any day now.

5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores.

6. We are enforcing the dress code.

7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon.

8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals.

9. There is nothing wrong with summer school.

10. We want to hear what you have to say.”

A Touch of Humor

 “I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”

― Jerome K. Jerome

A Touch of Humor

 “If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”

― E.B. White

A Touch of Humor

 “Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.”

― Terry Pratchett, Thief of Time

A Touch of Humor

 “Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.”

― Lemony Snicket

A Touch of Humor

 “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”

― Albert Einstein

A Touch of Humor

 “You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. Now you tell me you love me, that’s why I’m scared!”

 ~ Anonymous

A Touch of Humor

 I have an idea for a movie called 'The Walken Dead' which is about a town where, instead of zombies, everyone becomes Chris Walken. 

Robin Williams

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A Touch of Humor

"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."

-Mitch Hedberg.

A Touch of Humor

 "I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!"

-Rodney Dangerfield