A Touch of Humor

 I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.

 Muhammad Ali

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A Touch of Humor

 Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it. 

Harry S Truman

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A Touch of Humor

 The main problem with writing in verse is, if your fourth line doesn't come out right, you've got to throw four lines away and figure out a whole new way to attack the problem. So the mortality rate is terrific.

- Dr. Seuss

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A Touch of Humor

 Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million. 

Arnold Schwarzenegger

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A Touch of Humor

 If you think health care is expensive now, just wait 'til it's free. 

P. J. O'Rourke

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A Touch of Humor

 I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. 

George Carlin

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A Touch of Humor

 I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. 

Mitch Hedberg

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A Touch of Humor

 I had a great shoe contract and glove contract with a company who paid me a lot of money never to be seen using their stuff. 

Bob Uecker

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A Touch of Humor

 It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen. 

- Dolly Parton

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A Touch of Humor

 I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

 Henny Youngman

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A Touch of Humor

 “The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.”

― Mark Twain

A Touch of Humor

 “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”

― Phyllis Diller

A Touch of Humor

 “Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”

― Dr. Seuss

A Touch of Humor

  “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”

—Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory

A Touch of Humor

 A smile is a facelift that’s in everyone’s price range!

Tom Wilson

A Touch of Humor

 “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”

― Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 “Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”

― Albert Einstein

A Touch of Humor

 Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Seuss inspired me to try cauliflower! 

Jim Carrey

A Touch of Humor

 I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. 

-Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

-Joan Rivers

A Touch of Humor

 Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings. 

-Sparky Anderson

A Touch of Humor

 I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. 

-Elayne Boosler

A Touch of Humor

 If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. 

-William Lyon Phelps

A Touch of Humor

 I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. 

-Tommy Cooper

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A Touch of Humor

 I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. 

-Paul Simon

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A Touch of Humor

 Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 

-Don Marquis

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A Touch of Humor

 A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. 

-Yogi Berra

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A Touch of Humor

 I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. 

-Warren Buffett

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A Touch of Humor

 I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. 

-Ron White

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A Touch of Humor

 I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination. 

-Hunter S. Thompson

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A Touch of Humor

 “A study in the Washington Post says that women have

better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the

authors of that study: 'Duh.”

― Conan O'Brien

A Touch of Humor

 “Everything in this room is edible. Even I'm edible. But, that would be called canibalism. It is looked down upon in most societies.”

― Tim Burton, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

A Touch of Humor

 “If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”

― Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 “If you're horrible to me, I'm going to write a song about it, and you won't like it. That's how I operate.”

― Taylor Swift

A Touch of Humor

 “Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.”

― Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 “The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.”

― Lily Tomlin

A Touch of Humor

 “To be is to do - Socrates

To do is to be - Sartre

Do Be Do Be Do - Sinatra”

― Kurt Vonnegut

A Touch of Humor

 “When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles

and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...

...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle

bottle paddle battle.”

― Dr. Seuss, Fox in Socks

A Touch of Humor

 “A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.”

― Amanda Cross

A Touch of Humor

 “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

― Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 “I don't want tea," said Clary, with muffled force. "I want to find my mother. And then I want to find out who took her in the first place, and I want to kill them."

"Unfortunately," said Hodge, "we're all out of bitter revenge at the moment, so it's either tea or nothing.”

― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

A Touch of Humor

 “I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.”

― Arthur C. Clarke

A Touch of Humor

 “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

― Mark Twain

A Touch of Humor

 “Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

A Touch of Humor

 “History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”

― Winston S. Churchill

A Touch of Humor

 “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

― Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 “Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!”

― Dr. Seuss

A Touch of Humor

 “Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!”

― George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”

― Mark Twain

A Touch of Humor

 “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

― W.C. Fields

A Touch of Humor

 “THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. We are here to help you.

2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings.

3. The dress code will be enforced.

4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds.

5. Our football team will win the championship this year.

6. We expect more of you here.

7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen.

8. Your schedule was created with you in mind.

9. Your locker combination is private.

10. These will be the years you look back on fondly.

TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. You will use algebra in your adult lives.

2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away.

3. Students must stay on campus during lunch.

4. The new text books will arrive any day now.

5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores.

6. We are enforcing the dress code.

7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon.

8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals.

9. There is nothing wrong with summer school.

10. We want to hear what you have to say.”

A Touch of Humor

 “I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”

― Jerome K. Jerome

A Touch of Humor

 “If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”

― E.B. White

A Touch of Humor

 “Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.”

― Terry Pratchett, Thief of Time

A Touch of Humor

 “Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.”

― Lemony Snicket

A Touch of Humor

 “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”

― Albert Einstein

A Touch of Humor

 “You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. Now you tell me you love me, that’s why I’m scared!”

 ~ Anonymous

A Touch of Humor

 I have an idea for a movie called 'The Walken Dead' which is about a town where, instead of zombies, everyone becomes Chris Walken. 

Robin Williams

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A Touch of Humor

"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."

-Mitch Hedberg.

A Touch of Humor

 "I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!"

-Rodney Dangerfield