Friday, December 29, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Facebook unveiled a new feature called "Nearby Friends" that broadcasts your location using your phone's GPS. It was originally called "Murder Me Whenever" but they changed it for marketing purposes. 

Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, December 28, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Health inspectors will give New York street food vendors letter grades, so if you see a streetcar with the letters A, B or C, that's just the type of hepatitis you'll get.

Jimmy Fallon

Wednesday, December 27, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 A new study found that hand dryers in bathrooms spread more germs than paper towels. And then the makers of hand dryers said, But don't forget, we also don't dry your hands.

Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, December 26, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  Mark Zuckerberg is not having a good day. Things are so bad for him right now that Facebook is showing him ads for Xanax.

Trevor Noah

Monday, December 25, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Why did Santa’s helper start going to therapy? He had low “elf” esteem.

What do Santa’s helpers learn in school? The elf-abet. 

What do you call a frozen elf? An elfcicle!

What would you find on an elf’s Instagram account? Lots of elf-ies.

What is an elf’s favorite candy? Orna-mints. 

What do you call an elf that just won the lottery? Welfy. 

What sport do Christmas elves compete in? North Pole-vaulting.

Who is the best singer in the North Pole? Elf-is Presley.

What’s an elf’s favorite sport? Miniature golf.

What was the elf allergic to? Sh-Elf-ish.

What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate clauses!

(I'll see myself out now, Merry Christmas!)

Friday, December 22, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

 - Stewart Francis

Thursday, December 21, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  "I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."

-Stephen Colbert

Wednesday, December 20, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies." ️

-Lenny Bruce

Tuesday, December 19, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care."

-Monty Python

Monday, December 18, 2023

A Touch of Humor

"I'm so good at multitasking that I can waste time and be unproductive at the same time." ‍

Samantha Bee

Friday, December 15, 2023

Thursday, December 14, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  "I tried to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend, but he took things literally."

-Jimmy Fallon

Wednesday, December 13, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  "I hate when I'm watching TV and a character does something stupid and I think to myself, 'That's exactly what I would do.'"

-Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, December 12, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I asked the doctor to recommend a daily workout. He said, 'Try getting up every day.'"

 - Joan Rivers

Monday, December 11, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."

- Tommy Cooper

Friday, December 8, 2023

Thursday, December 7, 2023

A Touch of Humor

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

Zach Galifianakis

Wednesday, December 6, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Rita Rudner

Tuesday, December 5, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."

Jim Gaffigan

Monday, December 4, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  What did the elephant say to the naked man? It’s cute but can it pick up peanuts?

Anonymous

Friday, December 1, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

Bill Hicks

Thursday, November 30, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, 'cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. "Yes, hello I'd like some B-batteries." "What kind?" "B-batteries." "What kind?" "B-batteries!" and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. "Yes, I would like de batteries."

Demetri Martin

Wednesday, November 29, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

Jerry Seinfeld

Tuesday, November 28, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

- Henny Youngman

Monday, November 27, 2023

Friday, November 24, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Thirty-six percent of Americans say that they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman. That's an easy mistake to make.

- John Oliver

Thursday, November 23, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday.

Rodney Dangerfield

Tuesday, November 21, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Democracy is like a tambourine: not everyone can be trusted with it.

John Oliver

Monday, November 20, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Reading isn't good for a ballplayer. Not good for his eyes. If my eyes went bad even a little bit I couldn't hit home runs. So I gave up reading.

- Babe Ruth

Friday, November 17, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Groucho Marx

Thursday, November 16, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Steven Wright

Wednesday, November 15, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 You would play house, you would fake vacuum. Fake vacuum with your friends, that was awesome. It's great because when I see my wife vacuum now I'm like, 'She is living her childhood dream.'

Nate Bargatze

Tuesday, November 14, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

Steve Martin

Monday, November 13, 2023

Friday, November 10, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Steven Wright

Thursday, November 9, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. 

- Robert A. Heinlein


Wednesday, November 8, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. 

- Mike Myers


Tuesday, November 7, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? 

- Phyllis Diller


Monday, November 6, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.

- Al Gore


Friday, November 3, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. 

- W. C. Fields


Thursday, November 2, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?"

Ellen DeGeneres 

Wednesday, November 1, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.

Peter Cook

Tuesday, October 31, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own.

Si Robertson

Monday, October 30, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.

Fatz Domino

Friday, October 27, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

Kurt Vonnegut

Thursday, October 26, 2023

Wednesday, October 25, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Rodney Dangerfield

Tuesday, October 24, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Male comics are always coming up to me, and they’re like, ‘Hey, Natasha, don’t you think you’re a little attractive to be a comedian?’ And I’m like, ‘Don’t you think you’re a little ugly to be talking to me?’

Natasha Leggero

Monday, October 23, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

Tommy Cooper

Friday, October 20, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

Bill Hicks

Thursday, October 19, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

Andy Rooney

Wednesday, October 18, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.

Anthony Jeselnik

Tuesday, October 17, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".

Rodney Dangerfield

Monday, October 16, 2023

A Touch of Humor

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Mitch Hedberg

Thursday, October 12, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 In Texas an 18 year old was arrested for giving marijuana to his 2 year old nephew. Authorities were outraged, but he had a good defense– he said “Have you ever baby-sat for a 2 year old?”

Wednesday, October 11, 2023

A Touch of Humor

It was revealed that Pope Francis has been spontaneously calling Catholics to comfort them, earning the nickname the “Cold Call Pope.” He’s also apparently convinced many of them to switch to Sprint, get their carpets cleaned and sign up with DirecTV.

Tuesday, October 10, 2023

A Touch of Humor

I saved several hours by not buying and reading “Time Management For Dummies.”

Monday, October 9, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 On-line shopping when you’re drunk is really cool. Because a few days later you get all these gifts you didn’t expect, sent by someone who knows you pretty well.

Friday, October 6, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Emo Phillips

Thursday, October 5, 2023

Wednesday, October 4, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."

 - Stephen Colbert

Tuesday, October 3, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for me on Tuesday."

 - Conan O'Brien

Monday, October 2, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for me on Tuesday."

 - Conan O'Brien

Friday, September 29, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

 - Steven Wright

Thursday, September 28, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, 'Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.' So, I got her nothing."

- Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, September 27, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

-  Ogden Nash


Tuesday, September 26, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. 

- Anthony Burgess


Monday, September 25, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. 

- Clint Eastwood


Friday, September 22, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. 

- Jules Renard


Thursday, September 21, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. 

- Paula Poundstone


Wednesday, September 20, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month. 

- Theodore Roosevelt


Tuesday, September 19, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. 

- Thomas Sowell


Monday, September 18, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. 

- Mark Twain


Friday, September 15, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I asked the librarian if they had books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you!'"

Jay Leno

Thursday, September 14, 2023

A Touch of Humor

"If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?"

Jimmy Kimmel

Wednesday, September 13, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "My therapist told me to be more assertive. I said no."

Seth Meyers

Tuesday, September 12, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I thought, 'That sounds like a fair trade.'"

Jay Leno

Monday, September 11, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

Jerry Seinfeld

Friday, September 8, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

Dave Attell

Thursday, September 7, 2023

A Touch of Humor

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."

 - Steven Wright

Wednesday, September 6, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised." 

- Rodney Dangerfield

Tuesday, September 5, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands." 

- Steven Wright

Monday, September 4, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?"

 - Ernest Hemingway

Friday, September 1, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country though. "Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food."

Jim Gaffigan

Thursday, August 31, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Woody Allen

Wednesday, August 30, 2023

A Touch of Humor

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

Tuesday, August 29, 2023

Touch of Humor

 I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

Sam Kinison

Monday, August 28, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Me, I'm dishonest, and you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest. Honestly, it's the honest ones you have to watch out for.

 Johnny Depp


Friday, August 25, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. 

Henny Youngman


Thursday, August 24, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

Emo Phillips

Wednesday, August 23, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

George Carlin

Tuesday, August 22, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  “I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”

—Bob Hope

Monday, August 21, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”

—Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear

Friday, August 18, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Steve Martin

Thursday, August 17, 2023

A Touch of Humor

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

Fred Allen

Wednesday, August 16, 2023

A Touch of Humor

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.

Maria Bamford

Tuesday, August 15, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. "Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth." Or, "I've got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth."

Brad Stine

Monday, August 14, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  "I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything."

Demetri Martin

Thursday, August 10, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Andy Rooney quotes

A Touch of Humor

 Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.

Gilbert Godfried

Wednesday, August 9, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

 Zach Galifianakis

Tuesday, August 8, 2023

Monday, August 7, 2023

A Touch of Humor

"What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me."

-Amy Poehler

Friday, August 4, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I never feel more alone than when I'm trying to put sunscreen on my back." 

- Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, August 3, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby."

 - Natalie Wood

Wednesday, August 2, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."

 - Joan Rivers

Tuesday, August 1, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

Daniel Tosh

Monday, July 31, 2023

Friday, July 28, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"

Emo Phillips

Thursday, July 27, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  "I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."

-Rodney Dangerfield

Wednesday, July 26, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  "I was coming home from kindergarten--well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years."

-Ellen Degeneres.

Tuesday, July 25, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  "Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."

-Demetri Martin.

Monday, July 24, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'"

Jim Gaffigan

Friday, July 21, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." 

- Milton Berle

Thursday, July 20, 2023

A Touch of Humor

"I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago, it was grass.'" 

- Phyllis Diller

Wednesday, July 19, 2023

A Touch of Humor

"A woman in California recently gave birth in a Chick-fil-A parking lot. When asked why she chose Chick-fil-A, she said, 'I wanted my baby to be delivered with a side of waffle fries.'" 

- Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, July 18, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "According to a new study, dogs can understand human emotions. And in a related study, humans can understand that dogs want treats." 

- Jimmy Kimmel

Monday, July 17, 2023

A Touch of Humor

"A man in Texas was arrested for stealing more than $1.2 million worth of fajitas over nine years. When asked why he did it, he said, 'I was just trying to spice up my life.'" 

- Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, July 14, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it."

- Ken Dodd

Thursday, July 13, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I've been on a diet for two weeks, and all I've lost is 14 days." 

- Totie Fields

Wednesday, July 12, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say, "Yeah? When?"

Bill Hicks

Tuesday, July 11, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 If you can see the handwriting on the wall … you're on the toilet.

Redd Foxx

Monday, July 10, 2023

A Touch of Humor

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

-Robin Williams

Friday, July 7, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move."

-Jim Gaffigan

Thursday, July 6, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early or acting like you know what you're doing." 

- Jim Gaffigan

Wednesday, July 5, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do the day after."

 - Oscar Wilde

Tuesday, July 4, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 

George Carlin


Friday, June 30, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "Scientists have found that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98% accuracy. The other 2% just thought it was a really cute butt." 

- Conan O'Brien

Thursday, June 29, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives." 

- David Letterman

Wednesday, June 28, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about." 

- Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, June 27, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "Some people say that money can't buy happiness, but I think it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle." 

- Conan O'Brien

Monday, June 26, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you."

 - Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, June 23, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I love airports because the rules of society don't apply. You can walk around in your socks; you can throw a tantrum; you can eat a Nature Valley granola bar for dinner." 

- Seth Meyers

Thursday, June 22, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted.' There was another sign below it that said 'self-service.' So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit." 

- Jay Leno

Wednesday, June 21, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 The more you take, the more you leave behind. What am I? 

Answer: Footsteps.

Tuesday, June 20, 2023

Monday, June 19, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I have a photographic memory, but it's out of film."

 - Steven Wright

Thursday, June 15, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

Wednesday, June 14, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. 

Mae West


Tuesday, June 13, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”

― Will Rogers

Monday, June 12, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug." 

- Unknown

Friday, June 9, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. 

Mitch Hedberg


Thursday, June 8, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before. 

Steven Wright

Wednesday, June 7, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”

—Anonymous

Tuesday, June 6, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”

—Will Ferrell

Monday, June 5, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education. 

Albert Einstein


Friday, June 2, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. 

Rodney Dangerfield


Thursday, June 1, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.”

― Bill Watterson

Wednesday, May 31, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  "Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute."

George Bernard Shaw

Tuesday, May 30, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. 

George Carlin


Friday, May 26, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

― Groucho Marx

Thursday, May 25, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Jerry Seinfeld

Wednesday, May 24, 2023

A Touch of Humor

Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Seuss inspired me to try cauliflower! 

-Jim Carrey


Tuesday, May 23, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one. 

Andy Rooney


Monday, May 22, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' 

Steven Wright


Friday, May 19, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

Thursday, May 18, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

Wednesday, May 17, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Because then they’d be bagels.

Tuesday, May 16, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I googled “Rorshach test.”

But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

Monday, May 15, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for

. W. C. Fields


Friday, May 12, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

 Robin Williams


Thursday, May 11, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? 

Steven Wright


Tuesday, May 9, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. 

Jerome K. Jerome


Monday, May 8, 2023

A Touch of Humor

I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat. Harold Wilson

Friday, May 5, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." 

- Jackie Mason

Thursday, May 4, 2023

A Touch of Humor

"I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches."

 - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Wednesday, May 3, 2023

Tuesday, May 2, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."

 - Rodney Dangerfield

Monday, May 1, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."

 - Rita Rudner

Friday, April 28, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." 

- Groucho Marx

Thursday, April 27, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun." 

- Arnold Schwarzenegger

Wednesday, April 26, 2023

Tuesday, April 25, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 "I'm a terrible cook, but I'm an excellent eater." 

- Anthony Bourdain

Monday, April 24, 2023

Friday, April 21, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.

Demetri Martin

Thursday, April 20, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

Yogi Berra

Wednesday, April 19, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.

Bill Vaughan

Tuesday, April 18, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.

J. Paul Getty

Monday, April 17, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.

Voltaire

Friday, April 14, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Scott Adams

A Touch of Humor

 “I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.”

Homer Simpson

Thursday, April 13, 2023

A Touch of Humor

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.”

 — Jeff Valdez

Wednesday, April 12, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” 

—Nora Ephron

Tuesday, April 11, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” 

- Rodney Dangerfield

Monday, April 10, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  “I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.”

 —Shane Richie

Friday, April 7, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 . “We use 10% of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60%.” 

—Ellen DeGeneres

Thursday, April 6, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.”

So we stopped playing chess.

Wednesday, April 5, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again?

 A dirty double-crosser.

Tuesday, April 4, 2023

Monday, April 3, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 What did one DNA say to the other DNA? 


“Do these genes make me look fat?”

Friday, March 31, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

 Rodney Dangerfield

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes_6

Thursday, March 30, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. 

Henny Youngman

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes_6

Wednesday, March 29, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

 Milton Berle

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes_6

Tuesday, March 28, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like.

 William Feather

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes_5

Monday, March 27, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

 Jerry Seinfeld

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/jerry-seinfeld-quotes


Friday, March 24, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.

 Muhammad Ali

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/muhammad-ali-quotes

Thursday, March 23, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it. 

Harry S Truman

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/harry-s-truman-quotes

Wednesday, March 22, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 The main problem with writing in verse is, if your fourth line doesn't come out right, you've got to throw four lines away and figure out a whole new way to attack the problem. So the mortality rate is terrific.

- Dr. Seuss

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/dr-seuss-quotes

Tuesday, March 21, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million. 

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/arnold-schwarzenegger-quotes

Monday, March 20, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 If you think health care is expensive now, just wait 'til it's free. 

P. J. O'Rourke

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/p-j-orourke-quotes

Friday, March 17, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. 

George Carlin

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/george-carlin-quotes

Thursday, March 16, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. 

Mitch Hedberg

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/mitch-hedberg-quotes

Wednesday, March 15, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I had a great shoe contract and glove contract with a company who paid me a lot of money never to be seen using their stuff. 

Bob Uecker

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/bob-uecker-quotes

Tuesday, March 14, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen. 

- Dolly Parton

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/dolly-parton-quotes

Monday, March 13, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

 Henny Youngman

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/henny-youngman-quotes

Friday, March 10, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.”

― Mark Twain

Thursday, March 9, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”

― Phyllis Diller

Wednesday, March 8, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”

― Dr. Seuss

Tuesday, March 7, 2023

A Touch of Humor

  “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”

—Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory

Monday, March 6, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 A smile is a facelift that’s in everyone’s price range!

Tom Wilson

Friday, March 3, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”

― Rodney Dangerfield

Thursday, March 2, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”

― Albert Einstein

Wednesday, March 1, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Seuss inspired me to try cauliflower! 

Jim Carrey


Tuesday, February 28, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. 

-Steven Wright


Monday, February 27, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

-Joan Rivers

Friday, February 24, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings. 

-Sparky Anderson


Thursday, February 23, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. 

-Elayne Boosler


Wednesday, February 22, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. 

-William Lyon Phelps


Tuesday, February 21, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. 

-Tommy Cooper

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes_2

Monday, February 20, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. 

-Paul Simon

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes_2

Friday, February 17, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 

-Don Marquis

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes_2

Thursday, February 16, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. 

-Yogi Berra

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes

Wednesday, February 15, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. 

-Warren Buffett

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes

Tuesday, February 14, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. 

-Ron White

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes

Monday, February 13, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination. 

-Hunter S. Thompson

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/hunter-s-thompson-quotes

Friday, February 10, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “A study in the Washington Post says that women have

better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the

authors of that study: 'Duh.”

― Conan O'Brien

Thursday, February 9, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “Everything in this room is edible. Even I'm edible. But, that would be called canibalism. It is looked down upon in most societies.”

― Tim Burton, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Wednesday, February 8, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”

― Groucho Marx

Tuesday, February 7, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “If you're horrible to me, I'm going to write a song about it, and you won't like it. That's how I operate.”

― Taylor Swift

Monday, February 6, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.”

― Groucho Marx

Friday, February 3, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.”

― Lily Tomlin

Thursday, February 2, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “To be is to do - Socrates

To do is to be - Sartre

Do Be Do Be Do - Sinatra”

― Kurt Vonnegut

Wednesday, February 1, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles

and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...

...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle

bottle paddle battle.”

― Dr. Seuss, Fox in Socks

Tuesday, January 31, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.”

― Amanda Cross

Monday, January 30, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

― Groucho Marx