I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.
Muhammad Ali
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I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.
Muhammad Ali
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Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.
Harry S Truman
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/harry-s-truman-quotesThe main problem with writing in verse is, if your fourth line doesn't come out right, you've got to throw four lines away and figure out a whole new way to attack the problem. So the mortality rate is terrific.
- Dr. Seuss
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/dr-seuss-quotesMoney doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/arnold-schwarzenegger-quotesIf you think health care is expensive now, just wait 'til it's free.
P. J. O'Rourke
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I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/mitch-hedberg-quotesI had a great shoe contract and glove contract with a company who paid me a lot of money never to be seen using their stuff.
Bob Uecker
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It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
- Dolly Parton
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/dolly-parton-quotesI told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman
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“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.”
― Mark Twain“I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”
—Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”
― Albert EinsteinGreen Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Seuss inspired me to try cauliflower!
Jim Carrey
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
-Joan Rivers
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler
If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
-William Lyon Phelps
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
-Tommy Cooper
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I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.
-Paul Simon
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Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
-Don Marquis
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A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
-Yogi Berra
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotesI buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
-Warren Buffett
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I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
-Ron White
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I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination.
-Hunter S. Thompson
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/hunter-s-thompson-quotes“A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh.”
― Conan O'Brien
“Everything in this room is edible. Even I'm edible. But, that would be called canibalism. It is looked down upon in most societies.”
― Tim Burton, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
― Groucho Marx
“If you're horrible to me, I'm going to write a song about it, and you won't like it. That's how I operate.”
― Taylor Swift
“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.”
― Groucho Marx
“The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.”
― Lily Tomlin
“To be is to do - Socrates
To do is to be - Sartre
Do Be Do Be Do - Sinatra”
― Kurt Vonnegut
“When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles
and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...
...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle
bottle paddle battle.”
― Dr. Seuss, Fox in Socks
“A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.”
― Amanda Cross“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”
― Groucho Marx
“I don't want tea," said Clary, with muffled force. "I want to find my mother. And then I want to find out who took her in the first place, and I want to kill them."
"Unfortunately," said Hodge, "we're all out of bitter revenge at the moment, so it's either tea or nothing.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
“I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.”
― Arthur C. Clarke
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
― Mark Twain
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit
“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
― Steven Wright
“Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!”
― Dr. Seuss
“Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!”
― George Carlin
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
― Mark Twain
“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
― W.C. Fields“THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL
1. We are here to help you.
2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings.
3. The dress code will be enforced.
4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds.
5. Our football team will win the championship this year.
6. We expect more of you here.
7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen.
8. Your schedule was created with you in mind.
9. Your locker combination is private.
10. These will be the years you look back on fondly.
TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL
1. You will use algebra in your adult lives.
2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away.
3. Students must stay on campus during lunch.
4. The new text books will arrive any day now.
5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores.
6. We are enforcing the dress code.
7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon.
8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals.
9. There is nothing wrong with summer school.
10. We want to hear what you have to say.”
“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
― Jerome K. Jerome
“If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”
― E.B. White“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.”
― Terry Pratchett, Thief of Time
“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.”
― Lemony Snicket“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein
“You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. Now you tell me you love me, that’s why I’m scared!”
~ Anonymous
I have an idea for a movie called 'The Walken Dead' which is about a town where, instead of zombies, everyone becomes Chris Walken.
Robin Williams
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"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
-Mitch Hedberg.
"I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!"
-Rodney Dangerfield