Facebook unveiled a new feature called "Nearby Friends" that broadcasts your location using your phone's GPS. It was originally called "Murder Me Whenever" but they changed it for marketing purposes.
Jimmy Kimmel
Facebook unveiled a new feature called "Nearby Friends" that broadcasts your location using your phone's GPS. It was originally called "Murder Me Whenever" but they changed it for marketing purposes.
Jimmy Kimmel
Health inspectors will give New York street food vendors letter grades, so if you see a streetcar with the letters A, B or C, that's just the type of hepatitis you'll get.
Jimmy Fallon
A new study found that hand dryers in bathrooms spread more germs than paper towels. And then the makers of hand dryers said, But don't forget, we also don't dry your hands.
Jimmy Fallon
Mark Zuckerberg is not having a good day. Things are so bad for him right now that Facebook is showing him ads for Xanax.
Trevor Noah
Why did Santa’s helper start going to therapy? He had low “elf” esteem.
What do Santa’s helpers learn in school? The elf-abet.
What do you call a frozen elf? An elfcicle!
What would you find on an elf’s Instagram account? Lots of elf-ies.
What is an elf’s favorite candy? Orna-mints.
What do you call an elf that just won the lottery? Welfy.
What sport do Christmas elves compete in? North Pole-vaulting.
Who is the best singer in the North Pole? Elf-is Presley.
What’s an elf’s favorite sport? Miniature golf.
What was the elf allergic to? Sh-Elf-ish.
What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate clauses!
(I'll see myself out now, Merry Christmas!)
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
- Stewart Francis
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies." ️
-Lenny Bruce
"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care."
-Monty Python
"I'm so good at multitasking that I can waste time and be unproductive at the same time."
- Samantha Bee
"I tried to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend, but he took things literally."
-Jimmy Fallon
"I hate when I'm watching TV and a character does something stupid and I think to myself, 'That's exactly what I would do.'"
-Conan O'Brien
"I asked the doctor to recommend a daily workout. He said, 'Try getting up every day.'"
- Joan Rivers
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
Rita Rudner
People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."
Jim Gaffigan
What did the elephant say to the naked man? It’s cute but can it pick up peanuts?
Anonymous
I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.
Bill Hicks
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, 'cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. "Yes, hello I'd like some B-batteries." "What kind?" "B-batteries." "What kind?" "B-batteries!" and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. "Yes, I would like de batteries."
Demetri Martin
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
- Henny Youngman
Thirty-six percent of Americans say that they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman. That's an easy mistake to make.
- John Oliver
Reading isn't good for a ballplayer. Not good for his eyes. If my eyes went bad even a little bit I couldn't hit home runs. So I gave up reading.
- Babe Ruth
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Steven Wright
You would play house, you would fake vacuum. Fake vacuum with your friends, that was awesome. It's great because when I see my wife vacuum now I'm like, 'She is living her childhood dream.'
Nate Bargatze
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
Steve Martin
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
- Al Gore
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
- W. C. Fields
Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?"
Ellen DeGeneres
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.
Peter Cook
I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own.
Si Robertson
A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.
Fatz Domino
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
Kurt Vonnegut
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield
Male comics are always coming up to me, and they’re like, ‘Hey, Natasha, don’t you think you’re a little attractive to be a comedian?’ And I’m like, ‘Don’t you think you’re a little ugly to be talking to me?’
Natasha Leggero
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
Tommy Cooper
I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.
Bill Hicks
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
Andy Rooney
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.
Anthony Jeselnik
I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".
Rodney Dangerfield
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg
In Texas an 18 year old was arrested for giving marijuana to his 2 year old nephew. Authorities were outraged, but he had a good defense– he said “Have you ever baby-sat for a 2 year old?”
It was revealed that Pope Francis has been spontaneously calling Catholics to comfort them, earning the nickname the “Cold Call Pope.” He’s also apparently convinced many of them to switch to Sprint, get their carpets cleaned and sign up with DirecTV.
On-line shopping when you’re drunk is really cool. Because a few days later you get all these gifts you didn’t expect, sent by someone who knows you pretty well.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Phillips
"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."
- Stephen Colbert
"I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for me on Tuesday."
- Conan O'Brien
"I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for me on Tuesday."
- Conan O'Brien
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
- Steven Wright
"I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, 'Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.' So, I got her nothing."
- Conan O'Brien
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
- Clint Eastwood
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
- Jules Renard
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
- Paula Poundstone
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
- Theodore Roosevelt
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
- Thomas Sowell
"I asked the librarian if they had books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you!'"
Jay Leno
"If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?"
Jimmy Kimmel
"I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I thought, 'That sounds like a fair trade.'"
Jay Leno
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
Jerry Seinfeld
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Dave Attell
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
- Steven Wright
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
- Rodney Dangerfield
"I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?"
- Ernest Hemingway
It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country though. "Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food."
Jim Gaffigan
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Woody Allen
I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.
Sam Kinison
Me, I'm dishonest, and you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest. Honestly, it's the honest ones you have to watch out for.
Johnny Depp
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
Emo Phillips
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
George Carlin
“I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
—Bob Hope
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
—Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve Martin
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.
Maria Bamford
We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. "Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth." Or, "I've got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth."
Brad Stine
"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything."
Demetri Martin
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Andy Rooney quotes
I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.
"I never feel more alone than when I'm trying to put sunscreen on my back."
- Jimmy Kimmel
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby."
- Natalie Wood
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
Daniel Tosh
"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."
-Rodney Dangerfield
"I was coming home from kindergarten--well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years."
-Ellen Degeneres.
"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
-Demetri Martin.
"I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'"
Jim Gaffigan
"My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already."
- Milton Berle
"I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago, it was grass.'"
- Phyllis Diller
"A woman in California recently gave birth in a Chick-fil-A parking lot. When asked why she chose Chick-fil-A, she said, 'I wanted my baby to be delivered with a side of waffle fries.'"
- Jimmy Fallon
"According to a new study, dogs can understand human emotions. And in a related study, humans can understand that dogs want treats."
- Jimmy Kimmel
"A man in Texas was arrested for stealing more than $1.2 million worth of fajitas over nine years. When asked why he did it, he said, 'I was just trying to spice up my life.'"
- Jimmy Kimmel
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say, "Yeah? When?"
Bill Hicks
I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."
-Robin Williams
But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move."
-Jim Gaffigan
"I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early or acting like you know what you're doing."
- Jim Gaffigan
"I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do the day after."
- Oscar Wilde
"Scientists have found that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98% accuracy. The other 2% just thought it was a really cute butt."
- Conan O'Brien
"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."
- David Letterman
"The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about."
- Jimmy Fallon
"Some people say that money can't buy happiness, but I think it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle."
- Conan O'Brien
"I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you."
- Jimmy Kimmel
"I love airports because the rules of society don't apply. You can walk around in your socks; you can throw a tantrum; you can eat a Nature Valley granola bar for dinner."
- Seth Meyers
"I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted.' There was another sign below it that said 'self-service.' So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit."
- Jay Leno
The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Mitch Hedberg
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
“Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”
—Anonymous“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
—Will Ferrell“I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.”
― Bill Watterson
"Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute."
George Bernard Shaw
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin
“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
― Groucho Marx
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Jerry Seinfeld
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
I googled “Rorshach test.”
But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for
. W. C. Fields
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'
Robin Williams
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
Steven Wright
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
- Jackie Mason
"I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches."
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
- Rodney Dangerfield
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
- Rita Rudner
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.
Demetri Martin
You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.
Yogi Berra
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.
Bill Vaughan
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
Scott Adams
“I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.”
Homer Simpson
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.”
— Jeff Valdez
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
—Nora Ephron
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.”
—Shane Richie
. “We use 10% of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60%.”
—Ellen DeGeneres
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again?
A dirty double-crosser.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes_6When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
Henny Youngman
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes_6We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
Milton Berle
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes_6
If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like.
William Feather
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes_5Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Jerry Seinfeld
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/jerry-seinfeld-quotesI'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.
Muhammad Ali
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/muhammad-ali-quotes
Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.
Harry S Truman
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/harry-s-truman-quotesThe main problem with writing in verse is, if your fourth line doesn't come out right, you've got to throw four lines away and figure out a whole new way to attack the problem. So the mortality rate is terrific.
- Dr. Seuss
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/dr-seuss-quotesMoney doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/arnold-schwarzenegger-quotesIf you think health care is expensive now, just wait 'til it's free.
P. J. O'Rourke
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/p-j-orourke-quotes
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/george-carlin-quotes
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/mitch-hedberg-quotesI had a great shoe contract and glove contract with a company who paid me a lot of money never to be seen using their stuff.
Bob Uecker
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/bob-uecker-quotes
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
- Dolly Parton
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/dolly-parton-quotesI told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/henny-youngman-quotes
“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.”
― Mark Twain“I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”
—Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”
― Albert EinsteinGreen Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Seuss inspired me to try cauliflower!
Jim Carrey
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
-Joan Rivers
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler
If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
-William Lyon Phelps
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
-Tommy Cooper
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes_2
I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.
-Paul Simon
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Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
-Don Marquis
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A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
-Yogi Berra
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotesI buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
-Warren Buffett
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
-Ron White
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I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination.
-Hunter S. Thompson
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/hunter-s-thompson-quotes“A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh.”
― Conan O'Brien
“Everything in this room is edible. Even I'm edible. But, that would be called canibalism. It is looked down upon in most societies.”
― Tim Burton, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
― Groucho Marx
“If you're horrible to me, I'm going to write a song about it, and you won't like it. That's how I operate.”
― Taylor Swift
“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.”
― Groucho Marx
“The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.”
― Lily Tomlin
“To be is to do - Socrates
To do is to be - Sartre
Do Be Do Be Do - Sinatra”
― Kurt Vonnegut
“When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles
and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...
...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle
bottle paddle battle.”
― Dr. Seuss, Fox in Socks
“A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.”
― Amanda Cross“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”
― Groucho Marx