“I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”
“Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.”
"What's a queen without her king? Well, historically speaking, more powerful."
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.”
— Emo Philips
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
— A. A. Milne, "Winnie The Pooh"
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
— Joan Rivers
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
— Jarod Kintz
“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.”
— Jules Renard
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
— Dave Barry
"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
— Phyllis Diller
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
— Mark Twain
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
Dr. Evil got shortchanged in the first one. The family dynamic between Scott and Dr. Evil - the adventures of being an evil single parent - needed to be explored.
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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.
'Crazy' is a term of art; 'Insane' is a term of law. Remember that, and you will save yourself a lot of trouble.
Hunter S. Thompson
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I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
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There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
- Chris Rock
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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I saw a stationery store move.