Tuesday, October 26, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. 

Henny Youngman

brainyquote.com

Friday, October 22, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

This is interesting. I saw that Amazon has launched a new invite only section of its site called ‘Luxury Stores.’ [CNN: “At Amazon’s new ‘Luxury Stores,’ you can’t buy anything unless you’re invited.”] That’s nice. Now you can order a $5000 Oscar de la Renta gown and then have the package hurled over your fence.

Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, October 21, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.

- Michael J. Fox

brainyquote.com

Wednesday, October 20, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Yeah, I did some drugs, though probably not as many as you think. How many drugs do you think I did?


Elaine Nardo: A lot.


"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Wow! Right on the nose!


"Taxi" (1970's sitcom)

Tuesday, October 19, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

- Mitch Hedberg

brainyquote.com

Monday, October 18, 2021

A Touch of Humor

  “I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

Steven Wright

Friday, October 15, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 “I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.”

 —Shane Richie, British actor

Thursday, October 14, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” 

—Charlie Brown

Wednesday, October 13, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 “User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.'” 

Dave Barry

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 “WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.” 

—Crystal Lowery 

Monday, October 11, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” 

—Nora Ephron

Friday, October 8, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. 

W. C. Fields

brainyquote.com

Thursday, October 7, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 “Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire. It’ll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store.”

Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)

Wednesday, October 6, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. 

Steven Wright

brainyquote.com

Tuesday, October 5, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. 

Bill Hicks

brainyquote.com/

Monday, October 4, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

 Joan Rivers

brainyquote.com

Friday, October 1, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

 George Burns

 https://www.brainyquote.com/

Thursday, September 30, 2021

A Touch of Humor

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

 Jay Leno

 https://www.brainyquote.com/

Wednesday, September 29, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche and then applies an antibiotic cream. You gotta keep it away from your eyes.

 Stephen Colbert

https://www.brainyquote.com

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. 

Johnny Carson

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/search_results?x=0&y=0&q=johnny+carson

Monday, September 27, 2021

A Touch of Humor

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

Ellen DeGeneres

Friday, September 24, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

 Henny Youngman

 https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/henny-youngman-quotes

Thursday, September 23, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. 

Steven Wright

https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/steven-wright-quotes

Wednesday, September 22, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

Robin Williams

https://www.brainyquote.com

Tuesday, September 21, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I'm a huge film star, but you have to hurry to the movies because I usually die in the first 15 f***ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f***ing Muppet Movie.

Billy Connolly

Monday, September 20, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires.

Dear Abby (Advice Columnist)

Friday, September 17, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical. 

Yogi Berra

brainyquote.com

Thursday, September 16, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Rodney Dangerfield

brainyquote.com

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.


Jim Gaffigan

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

 The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

unijokes.com

Monday, September 13, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody’s gonna be disappointed. Somebody’s wasting their fucking time. Could it be everyone?"  

-- George Carlin

Tuesday, September 7, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 I like the theory that chocolate slows down the aging process...It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance?

Tom Brown

Monday, September 6, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

Steven Wright

Friday, September 3, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

"All right. What can I get you guys?"

- "Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?"

- "I'll ask."


The House Bunny (2008)

Thursday, September 2, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

"Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights."


The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 "Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your captain, Captain Oveur."

"Gentlemen, welcome aboard."
"Captain, your navigator, Mr. Unger, and your first officer, Mr. Dunn."
"Unger."
- "Oveur."
"Oveur."
"Dunn. Gentlemen, let's get to work."
"Unger, didn't you serve under Oveur in the Air Force?"
"Not directly. Technically, Dunn was under Oveur and I was under Dunn."
- "Yep."
"So, Dunn, you were under Oveur and over Unger."
"Yep."
"That's right. Dunn was over Unger and I was over Dunn."
"So, you see, both Dunn and I were under Oveur, even though I was under Dunn."
"Dunn was over Unger, and I was over Dunn."

Airplane II: The Sequel (1982)

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 "Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listenin' to her enough, or somethin'. I don't know, I wasn't really payin' attention."

Dumb & Dumber (1994)

Monday, August 30, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

At the beginning of the pandemic it was assumed that in 9-months there would be an historic baby boom. While in fact America has entered a pandemic-inspired baby bust. It turns out, no one is saying, ‘Hey you know what being trapped in this tiny apartment with you puts me in the mood for? A screaming infant.’

Stephen Colbert

Friday, August 27, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting. 

Andy Rooney

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/andy-rooney-quotes

Thursday, August 26, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

 Rodney Dangerfield

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/rodney-dangerfield-quotes

Wednesday, August 25, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. 

George Carlin

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/george-carlin-quotes

Tuesday, August 24, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move."

Jim Gaffigan

Monday, August 23, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

"When people say, 'it's always the last place you look.' Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?"

Billy Connolly

Friday, August 20, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

“Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.”

― H.L. Mencken, Notes on Democracy (1880 - 1956) (Renowned Journalist, Satirist, Scholar)

Thursday, August 19, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) (Preeminent Humorist and Renowned Author)  

Wednesday, August 18, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I'll make the money by selling one of my livers ... I can get by with one.

Homer Simpson

Tuesday, August 17, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 ATC: flight 2-0-niner you’re cleared for takeoff. Captain Oveur: Roger! Roger: Eh? ATC: LA departure frequency 1-2-3 point niner. Captain Oveur: Roger! Roger: Huh? Victor: Request vector, over. Captain Oveur: What? ATC: Flight 2-0-niner cleared for vector 3-2-4. Roger: We have clearance, Clarence. Captain Oveur: Roger, Roger, what’s our vector, Victor? ATC: Tower radio clearance, over. Captain Oveur: That’s “Clarence Oveur”, over. ATC: Roger! Roger: Huh? ATC: Roger, over. Roger: Huh?! Captain Oveur: Who?!

Airplane, The Movie

Monday, August 16, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Dave Barry

Friday, August 13, 2021

A Touch Of Humor - Ricky Gervais - Painful For Others

“Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others.
The same applies when you are stupid.”

― Ricky Gervais 

Thursday, August 12, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

[My wife] She’s a lousy cook too, she can’t cook at all. I leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.

Rodney Dangerfield

Wednesday, August 11, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

“Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.”

Homer Simpson

Tuesday, August 10, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Confident, Stupid.”

 - Actor Troy McClure

Monday, August 9, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

New Rule: Someone must ask the kid whose science fair project was to smear lipstick on a cat’s butt to see how much of the surfaces in the house come in contact with the cat’s anus. What did you find out? And did you tell mom what you did with her lipstick before you put it back in her purse?

Bill Maher

Friday, August 6, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 One-liners about food

  • A lot of people cry when they're cutting onions. The secret is not to form an emotional bond.
  • I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
  • Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
  • A boiled egg is hard to beat.

Thursday, August 5, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 One-liners about sports

  • I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
  • The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
  • Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
  • When I get a dog, I'm going to name him Five-Miles so I can say I walk five miles every day.

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 One-liners about relationships

  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  • I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  • My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
  • Last night my girlfriend and I watched three movies back-to-back. Luckily, I was the one facing the TV.

Tuesday, August 3, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Last night, the first US cruise ship in 15 months set ... sale. It is perfect for anyone who’s been stuck in their house for 15 months and thought, ‘This has been great! I just wish the room was much smaller and slowly rocking.’

 Stephen Colbert 

Monday, August 2, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they’ll donate me to Tupperware.

Joan Rivers

Friday, July 30, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.

Jackie Mason

Thursday, July 29, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I read that muffins sold at Walmart and 7-Eleven have been recalled over concerns about listeria. Walmart apologized while 7-Eleven just slapped on a sticker saying listeria flavor. 

Jimmy Fallon  

Wednesday, July 28, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”

― Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) (Popular Poet, Playwright and Humorist) 

Tuesday, July 27, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

DID YOU KNOW? 

Replacing your potato chips with grapefruit as a snack you can lose up to 90% of what little joy you still have left in your life.

Author Unknown 

Thank you to my Facebook friend Barbara Ann for sharing this with us. 

Monday, July 26, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 PEANUTS

Lucy: “In the Great Cruise Ship of Life, some people place their deck chairs to the fore and look at what’s coming, and others place there’s to the aft and look at what’s past. In the Great Cruise Ship of Life, which way is your deck chair facing?”

Charlie Brown: “In the Great Cruise Ship of Life, I’m one of those who can’t get my deck chair unfolded.”

Thank you to my friend Tom Brown for sharing this humor with us.

Friday, July 23, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

-George Carlin

Thursday, July 22, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’

-Chris Rock

Wednesday, July 21, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

“To live is to risk it all; otherwise you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you.”

 — Rick (Rick and Morty)

Tuesday, July 20, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 “To be honest . . . I think the only thing that really worked in my favor, is that right from the beginning I really didn’t [care] whether or not [Seinfeld] was a success. That’s not to say I didn’t want to do good work, but I wasn’t about to let myself be judged by network standards. When you’re not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.”

Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm)

Monday, July 19, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

"Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father."

"I don't wanna be your father."

"That's perfect. You already know your lines."

ABED (DANNY PUDI) AND JEFF (JOEL MCHALE) ON COMMUNITY (NBC, 2009)

Friday, July 16, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I’d Rather Let A Thousand Guilty Men Go Free Than Chase After Them.

Chief Wiggum, The Simpsons

Thursday, July 15, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

This Anonymous Clan Of Slack-Jawed Troglodytes Has Cost Me The Election. And Yet, If I Were To Have Them Killed, I Would Be The One To Go To Jail. That’s Democracy For You.

Mr. Burns, The Simpsons

Wednesday, July 14, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

California is in the grip of a drought. And that’s caused Sacramento’s drinking water to taste like dirt. But one city official assured residents: “It might not taste great ... but it is still safe to drink.” And [he] was immediately sued for copyright infringement by Michelob Ultra [Because this how Michelob describes Ultra] 

 Stephen Colbert 

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

"Remember, if you don't sin, then Jesus died for nothing."

Ricky Gervais 

Monday, July 12, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'

Sam Levenson (American Humorist, Author, TV Host, Journalist)

Friday, July 9, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Ted Striker: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We’re bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We’re coming in from the north, below their radar.

Elaine Dickinson: When will you be back?

Ted Striker: I can’t tell you that. It’s classified.

Airplane (The Movie)

Thursday, July 8, 2021

A Touch of Humor

“I’m the cool dad. That’s my thang. I’m hip. I surf the Web. I text. LOL: Laugh Out Loud. OMG: Oh My God. WTF: Why the Face?”

PHIL DUNPHY (TY BURRELL) ON MODERN FAMILY (ABC, 2009)

Wednesday, July 7, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Funny Wrong Predictions

"It will be gone by June."

On rock 'n' roll, Variety magazine in 1955.

Tuesday, July 6, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

The world’s first wooden satellite will launch this year. It will be the first satellite to burn up on exit. They’re launching it in order to test the durability of plywood panels in the extreme conditions of space ... As a one time owner of several IKEA items, I can tell you that plywood panels can’t even handle the extreme conditions of [an] apartment. 

Stephen Colbert  

Monday, July 5, 2021

A Touch Of Humor - Trevor Noah - Hot weather

The National Weather Service [said today] “No easy way to say this, so we’ll just cut straight to the chase: “It’s going to be very hot for a long time.”

Trevor Noah: That’s right, very hot for a long time. Also known in meteorology circles as the Halle Berry phenomena.

Friday, July 2, 2021

A Touch of Humor

Dan: You want dinner? Fine. I'm fixing dinner!

Roseanne: Oh but honey you just cooked dinner 3 years ago!

Roseanne

Thursday, July 1, 2021

A Touch of Humor

Ted Baxter: Folks, I've just received a special news bulletin: "You have something on your front tooth."

The Mary Tyler Moore show

Wednesday, June 30, 2021

A Touch of Humor

Ralph: If any of the Racoons ever get sick, it'll be my responsibility to go and visit them.

Alice: Oh, that is a very important responsibility, Ralph. You better start now and find out what the visiting hours are at Bellevue.

Ralph: That did it, Alice - that did it. You have just broken the camel's back with that straw. You have ridiculed my brother Racoons. You have just made fun of something very big that's close to my heart.

Alice: The only thing big that's close to your heart is your stomach.

The Honeymooners

Tuesday, June 29, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Royal Caribbean has announced a US come back for this summer. There’s only one catch. Vaccinations are optional. What the what? You can’t trust cruise passengers to make smart health decisions. These are people who wait in line to scoop up macaroni salad from a bin a toddler left a flip-flop in.

Stephen Colbert

Monday, June 28, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Whenever I leave a restaurant, I always stop by a random table and say, “Thank you for taking care of our check.”

Steve Martin

Friday, June 25, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Frank Burns: The men hate me, don't they?

Radar: Just your guts, sir.

M*A*S*H

Thursday, June 24, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

[Peter is eating cereal].

Peter: Oh my God, Brian... There's a message in my Alpha Bits... It says "Ooooooo".

Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Family Guy

Wednesday, June 23, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

In India, [the] huge surge in cases along with the vaccine shortage is pushing people to try unconventional treatments. So much so that doctors are trying to convince people that there’s no evidence smearing yourself in cow dung cures coronavirus. Though I’m pretty sure it will keep people 6 feet away.

Stephen Colbert

Tuesday, June 22, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Rose: You don't understand. Everyone likes me - I'm the nice one! Dorothy is the smart one, Blanche is the sexy one, Sophia is the old one, and I'm the nice one! Everybody likes me.

Sophia: The old one isn't so crazy about you.

The Golden Girls

Monday, June 21, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Jerry: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long-distance service?

Jerry: Oh, gee. I...I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later?

Telemarketer: Uh...well, I'm sorry. We're not allowed to do that.

Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.

Telemarketer: No.

Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.

Seinfeld

Friday, June 18, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Emo Phillips

Thursday, June 17, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

“What is the meaning of life?”

All evidence to date suggests it’s chocolate.

Author Unknown

From my friend Tom Brown’s Facebook page

Wednesday, June 16, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 [When comedian Brian Regan flies, he tries to get an emergency exit row seat.]

You know what kills me? When you’re in the emergency exit row seat ... you agree to save everyone. How  come when the flight is over, no-one thanks you?

You’d think someone would take note of it on the way out. [And say], “The fact that you were willing to put your life on the line to save me, my family and all the other souls on this plane is one of the greatest gifts a human can offer to another.”

Brian Regan

Tuesday, June 15, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Meanwhile, as pandemic restrictions ease, and the vaccine rollout continues, major companies like Domino’s are now struggling to hire enough employees. Yeah, you can tell Domino’s is desperate. Earlier today, they ordered Papa John’s and kidnapped the driver.

Jimmy Fallon 

Monday, June 14, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

[There is currently a shortage of rental cars] 

That rental car thing could be my fault. I always buy the insurance and instead of returning (the car) to the airport, I drive it off a cliff.

Stephen Colbert 

Friday, June 11, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Nobody likes anything! We’re cranky, we’re irritable and we’re dealing with it by constantly changing locations. And so we come up with things like this, what we’re doing right now, this is a made up, bogus, hyped up, not necessary special event. [His Concert] That’s what this is! That a lot of people worked very hard to put together so that we could all just kill some time. That’s why I’m here! I had nothing to do either by the way.

Jerry Seinfeld

Thursday, June 10, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a woman who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect woman? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect woman. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Unijokes.com 

Wednesday, June 9, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Oh, I saw that Martha Stewart just announced the release of her 99th Cookbook. 99! At this point the recipes are just I dunno know – bologna on an Oreo?

Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, June 8, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I saw that Guinness just debuted a new beer with Nitro Cold Brew Coffee in it. The perfect gift for the sluggish drunk in your life. It’s a great product if you want your heart to feel like it’s napping and skydiving at the same time. 

Jimmy Fallon

Monday, June 7, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''


Unijokes.com

Friday, June 4, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

That’s the story of my life! No respect! I don’t get no respect at all! Well when I was born the doctor told my mother – I did all I could but he pulled through anyway.

Rodney Dangerfield

Thursday, June 3, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

[The Oscars’ Low TV Ratings] One of the winners went up there and did that thing they always do: He thanked his Agent and God and told his kids, “Go to bed kids.” And the babysitter texted back: “They already did.”

Bill Maher

Wednesday, June 2, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

[Vacationing in an RV during COVID-19] But this year when families were housebound with one another, living, working and schooling all under the same roof everybody was naturally thinking: I wish there was a way we could do all this in an even smaller space but with a chemical toilet in traffic.

 Stephen Colbert 

Tuesday, June 1, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."

He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Unijokes.com 

Monday, May 31, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Speaking of vaccinations, I saw that people will soon be able to get their vaccine shots in airports like LaGuardia. New Yorkers heard and we’re like, “I’m flying through LaGuardia! Do you think I care about living.”

Jimmy Fallon 

Friday, May 28, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Unijokes.com

Thursday, May 27, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all is, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!" The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "I'm gonna go pick her up."

Unijokes.com

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

La-Z-Boy executives said customers could expect delivery dates that are 5 to 9 months out from their order dates. 5 to 9 months is ridiculous! I expect a little more hustle out of La-Z-Boy.

Stephen Colbert 

Tuesday, May 25, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

The Simpsons 

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, the results of your physical are very concerning. You’re 80 pounds overweight!

Homer: I wore my socks on the scale. 

Dr. Hibbert: And your cholesterol is sky high!

Homer: Go big or go home. 

Dr. Hibbert: Oh, and your testosterone is just a little bit low. 

Homer: Testosterone! That’s what fuels my punching and yelling. And my undeserved confidence. Now I’ll never be an NFL quarterback/international superspy! Ooohhh!!!


Monday, May 24, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

According to a new report, some US airlines may start weighing passengers before they board their flights.

Now when you get to the airport, you get searched and weighed. We’re basically a urine sample away from being a full physical. 

Jimmy Fallon 

Friday, May 21, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.  The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Unijokes.com

Thursday, May 20, 2021

Wednesday, May 19, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Funny Wrong Predictions

"The world potential market for copying machines is 5,000 at most."

IBM, to the eventual founders of Xerox, saying the photocopier had no market large enough to justify production, 1959.

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

The government is doing all they can to get people vaccinated. Today I read The Biden Administration is teaming up with McDonald’s to help raise vaccine awareness. So get ready for the all new McDerna. You know we’re living through historic times when McDonald’s is giving public health advice.

Jimmy Fallon

Monday, May 17, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I doubt we have much in common (Wyoming Republican Congresswomen Liz Cheney) I’ve never been to Wyoming and I have no plans to go. But not because it isn’t beautiful which I’m sure it is. But as a New Yorker if there isn’t a bodega within a five minute walking distance where I can get batteries, deodorant, a single roll of toilet paper, an egg and cheese on a roll and hear people complaining about [NY Mayor] deBlasio in multiple languages, I can’t live there.

Seth Meyers

Friday, May 14, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there's no god.

Homer Simpson

Thursday, May 13, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

[Mercedes’ new giant touch screen] When it debuts in late 2021 [we] will be looking at a screen nearly 5 feet across that provides various ‘infotainment, comfort and vehicle functions.’ Hey! You know what’s super compelling infotainment to watch while you’re driving? The road!

Stephen Colbert

Wednesday, May 12, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

 The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

Unijokes.com

Tuesday, May 11, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Authorities in Pennsylvania announced last week that they arrested a man after they discovered $1 million worth of crystal meth, six so-called ghost guns and Nazi paraphernalia during a raid. And now the man is trying to decide if he should accept a plea deal or just go ahead and run for Congress.

Seth Meyers

Monday, May 10, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Wrinkles are something other people have, 

similar to my character lines.

Author Unknown (Published on my friend Tom Brown’s Facebook page)

Friday, May 7, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Like today I got two kids and that’s rough too. You can’t talk to kids today. My boy’s birthday last week, we had a party, put out a cake, the kid blew out all the candles. I said I hope your wish comes true. He said if it does it’s the last time you’ll watch me blow out candles.

Rodney Dangerfield

Thursday, May 6, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Marge: Evelyn, this is my husband Homer.

Homer: A very polite hello to you madam.

Evelyn: Well well – Homer Simpson. I’ve heard so much about you.

Homer: Surely you have. But in my defense urinating on a privately owned merry-go-round is not public urination.


Wednesday, May 5, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Mark Twain

Humor courtesy of my friend Ben Haney

Tuesday, May 4, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

Unijokes.com

Monday, May 3, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

We learned yesterday that American tourists who have been fully vaccinated against COVID-19 will be able to visit the European Union over the summer. Hot damn, I can’t wait to travel to fabulous destinations like anywhere but my grocery store. 

 Stephen Colbert 

Friday, April 30, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

In an auditorium filled with people, Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations" He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SH*T!" said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the auditorium.

Unijokes.com

Thursday, April 29, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Six Flags announced that it will reopen it’s theme parks in California next month. When I asked if it was safe they said, ‘I mean it’s as safe as we’ve ever been.’

Seth Meyers

Wednesday, April 28, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 A man is talking to the family doctor, "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is." The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?" He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what’s for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"

Unijokes.com 

Tuesday, April 27, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Some entertainment news. I saw that Vin Diesel is going to star in a live action movie based on the old toy Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots. Say what you want but it’s nice to finally see a human taking over a robot’s job.

Jimmy Fallon

Monday, April 26, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

A new study has found that your dog gets jealous just imagining you with another canine. But it also found that your cat never thinks about you at all.

Stephen Colbert

Friday, April 23, 2021

A Touch of Humor

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.'” – Conan O’Brien

Thursday, April 22, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

“… We are all here on earth to help others: what on earth the others are here for, I don’t know…”

W.H. Auden 1907 - 1973) (Famed Poet, Professor)

From my sister Lorrie Kazan’s Prosperity Meditation

Wednesday, April 21, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Chipotle is launching a make up collection. Great news for anyone who has looked at a burrito and thought, ‘Boy, I wish my face looked like that!’

Stephen Colbert

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

[Store Sign]

Push to open.

If that does not work pull.

If both do not work, try the actual entrance to your left.

Author Unknown (posted by my friend Tom Brown on his Facebook page)

Monday, April 19, 2021

A Touch of Humor

Due to the massive increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces and are now Fed-Up.

Author Unknown (from my friend Tom Brown’s Facebook page)

Friday, April 16, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

The 4 Stages Of Christmas:

1) You believe in Santa.

2) You don't believe in Santa.

3) You are Santa.

4) You are Santa and beginning to get a tummy to match.

Author Unknown

Thursday, April 15, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Funny Wrong Predictions:

"The Beatles Have No Future In Show Business." 

A Decca Records executive to the band’s manager, Brian Epstein, following an audition in 1962. He continued: “We don’t like your boys’ sound. Groups are out. Four-piece groups with guitars, particularly, are finished.”

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Funny Wrong Predictions

“Television won’t last because people will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.”  Darryl F. Zanuck, movie producer, studio executive, 20th Century Fox, 1946

Thank you to my friend Nick Miller for sharing this quote with us.

Tuesday, April 13, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I never apologize ... I'm sorry but that's the way I am.

Homer Simpson

Monday, April 12, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary. 

Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her. When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.

The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband. Shazam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
 
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger. Shazam! Instantly he turned 93 years old. 

Friday, April 9, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Tired of how complex cell phones have become.

[Instead] “They have these phones for old people with the giant buttons like floor tiles, did you ever see that commercial? These are old people phones - two buttons… Your Kids [and] Ambulance. That’s it!”

 Jerry Seinfeld

Thursday, April 8, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

“I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.”

Homer Simpson

Wednesday, April 7, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

Alex Levine

Tuesday, April 6, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

When I thought I was sick, my doctor told me to take plenty of liquids and get a lot of rest. [So] I drank until I passed out.

Rodney Dangerfield

Monday, April 5, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

According to the latest numbers, the world’s largest theater chain AMC Entertainment lost $4.6 billion in 2020. And experts say it could take up to 10 large popcorns to make it back.

Seth Meyers

Friday, April 2, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Winston Churchill

Thursday, April 1, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

The Miami Heat [basketball team] will use COVID sniffing dogs to screen fans at games [looking for COVID]. Which brings us to our new segment, I have some questions:

First up – Since when are there dogs that can “sniff“ COVID? Next up – if a dog “sniffs“ COVID, won’t it get COVID? Follow up – can dogs get COVID? If they can, and a common symptom of COVID is loss of smell, how can you trust the dog to properly smell more COVID?

Jimmy Fallon

Wednesday, March 31, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler, Jesus."


Tuesday, March 30, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

The Simpsons

Marge - Who is calling you so late?

Homer -  Telemarketers. Gotta take it. Those people are so sensitive. 




Monday, March 29, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

According to a new study, eating breakfast before 8:30 AM may lower the risk of developing diabetes. But it doesn’t count if you were out drinking until then.

Seth Meyers

Friday, March 26, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

New Rule: Someone must tell Hasbro, who just announced they’re dropping the Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head to be more gender neutral, that not having genitals is gender neutral enough.

Bill Maher

Thursday, March 25, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

“I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn't believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.”

― Ricky Gervais

Wednesday, March 24, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

“I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.” 

- George

Tuesday, March 23, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.”

 – Sophia (Golden Girls)

Monday, March 22, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

It was a year ago today (3-11-21) that we had our last show with a full-audience. Six days later I did the show from home. And six days after that both my kids had agents.

Jimmy Fallon

Friday, March 19, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 “That’s perfect — Brian being a seismologist, and you having so many faults.”

FRASIER (KELSEY GRAMMER), MEETING LILITH’S (BEBE NEUWIRTH) BOYFRIEND, ON 'FRASIER' (NBC, 1994)

Thursday, March 18, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 “I’m the cool dad. That’s my thang. I’m hip. I surf the Web. I text. LOL: Laugh Out Loud. OMG: Oh My God. WTF: Why the Face?”

PHIL DUNPHY (TY BURRELL) ON MODERN FAMILY (ABC, 2009)

Wednesday, March 17, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

So many people these days are too judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.

Author Unknown 

Tuesday, March 16, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

“You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up! I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’”

JERRY (JERRY SEINFELD), TO GEORGE (JASON ALEXANDER), ON 'SEINFELD' (NBC, 1993)

Monday, March 15, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 “If 20 people said they liked me, I’m telling you, I would be thinking 17 of them are lying, two of them have severe emotional problems, and one of them’s probably confusing me with Larry King.”

LARRY SANDERS (GARRY SHANDLING) ON THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW (HBO, 1992)