A Touch of Humor

 Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.

Janet Evanovich

A Touch of Humor

 My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Walter Mathau

A Touch of Humor

 If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

George Burns

A Touch of Humor

 It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Andy Borowitz

A Touch of Humor

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

Steve Carell, The Office

A Touch of Humor

 I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!

Steven Weinberg

A Touch of Humor

 There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Oscar Levant

A Touch of Humor

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Mark Twain

A Touch of Humor

 The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

Jay Leno

A Touch Of Humor

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.

Peter Cook

A Touch Of Humor

 A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.

Dennis Waitley

A Touch Of Humor

 Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

Bob Thaves

A Touch Of Humor

 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

A Touch of Humor

 Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Steve Martin

A Touch of Humor

 Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.

Ellen DeGeneris

A Touch of Humor

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.

Rich Hall

A Touch Of Humor

Know who really needs a vaccine? Everybody, especially the cruise ship industry. They were one of the first industries to be completely shut down by the coronavirus. But now Royal Caribbean is back! They’ve launched a socially distanced, ultra sanitized experience they’re calling the ‘Covid-secure cruise.’ That is great news! Now the only disease you can get on a cruise is all the other ones.

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

A new survey found that this year 1 in 5 Americans have gotten hurt putting up their Christmas tree. How annoying is that for overrun hospitals. It’s like, make room, this dummy fell on a Christmas tree. One patient was like, ‘is it bad?’ The doctor was like, ‘well, I’m a proctologist so you tell me.’

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

 Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Jay Leno

A Touch of Humor

 The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

Sid Caesar

A Touch of Humor

 Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are.

Will Ferrell

A Touch of Humor

 The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.

Bill Murray

A Touch of Humor

 If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Milton Berle

A Touch of Humor

 When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Will Rogers

A Touch of Humor

 If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

W.C. Fields

A Touch of Humor

 A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Winston Chruchill

A Touch Of Humor

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if l lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want ot be taught a lesson.

Emo Philips

A Touch Of Humor

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

Erma Bombeck

A Touch of Humor

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Dale Carnegie

A Touch of Humor

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

Arthur C. Clarke

A Touch of Humor

  “Oh God gets your prayers, but he just clicks delete without reading them...”

- Homer Simpson, Season 26, Episode 16,  'Sky Police'.

A Touch Of Humor

I saw that Elon Musk just passed Jeff Bezos as the richest person in the world. Anyway, if you can, hit up Jeff’s GoFundMe page, and let’s help him get back to Number 1. 

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

“Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.”

Ricky Gervais 

A Touch Of Humor

Meanwhile, toymaker Hasbro just said it would raise the price of its games and toys as the cost of raw materials increases. Yeah. Now they’re just selling boxes that say, toy not included.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

 

A Touch of Humor

 

A Touch of Humor

 “Grape works as a soda. Sort of as a gum. I wonder why it doesn’t work as a pie. Grape pie? There’s no grape pie.”

— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 2: The Baptism

A Touch of Humor

 When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. 

Albert Einstein

brainyquote.com/

A Touch of Humor

 

What’s the different between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

A Touch of Humor

 Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

A Touch of Humor

 

A Touch of Humor

 

A Touch of Humor

 

A Touch Of Humor

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' 

Steven Wright

brainyquote.com

A Touch Of Humor

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit

. Mitch Hedberg

brainyquote.com

A Touch Of Humor

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 

George Carlin

brainyquote.com

A Touch of Humor

 When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. 

Henny Youngman

brainyquote.com

A Touch of Humor

 

A Touch Of Humor

This is interesting. I saw that Amazon has launched a new invite only section of its site called ‘Luxury Stores.’ [CNN: “At Amazon’s new ‘Luxury Stores,’ you can’t buy anything unless you’re invited.”] That’s nice. Now you can order a $5000 Oscar de la Renta gown and then have the package hurled over your fence.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.

- Michael J. Fox

brainyquote.com

A Touch Of Humor

"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Yeah, I did some drugs, though probably not as many as you think. How many drugs do you think I did?

Elaine Nardo: A lot.

"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Wow! Right on the nose!

"Taxi" (1970's sitcom)

A Touch Of Humor

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

- Mitch Hedberg

brainyquote.com

A Touch of Humor

  “I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

—Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 “I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.”

 —Shane Richie, British actor

A Touch of Humor

 “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” 

—Charlie Brown

A Touch of Humor

 “User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.'” 

—Dave Barry

A Touch of Humor

 “WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.” 

—Crystal Lowery 

A Touch of Humor

 “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” 

—Nora Ephron

A Touch of Humor

 If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. 

W. C. Fields

brainyquote.com

A Touch of Humor

 “Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire. It’ll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store.”

Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)

A Touch of Humor

 I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. 

Steven Wright

brainyquote.com

A Touch of Humor

 Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. 

Bill Hicks

brainyquote.com/

A Touch of Humor

 I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

 Joan Rivers

brainyquote.com

A Touch of Humor

 I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

 George Burns

 https://www.brainyquote.com/

A Touch of Humor

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

 Jay Leno

 https://www.brainyquote.com/

A Touch of Humor

 I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche and then applies an antibiotic cream. You gotta keep it away from your eyes.

 Stephen Colbert

https://www.brainyquote.com

A Touch of Humor

 I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. 

Johnny Carson

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/search_results?x=0&y=0&q=johnny+carson

A Touch of Humor

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch of Humor

 I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

 Henny Youngman

 https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/henny-youngman-quotes

A Touch of Humor

 I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. 

Steven Wright

https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/steven-wright-quotes

A Touch of Humor

 If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

Robin Williams

https://www.brainyquote.com

A Touch Of Humor

I'm a huge film star, but you have to hurry to the movies because I usually die in the first 15 f***ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f***ing Muppet Movie.

Billy Connolly

A Touch Of Humor

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires.

Dear Abby (Advice Columnist)

A Touch of Humor

 Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical. 

Yogi Berra

brainyquote.com

A Touch of Humor

 I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Rodney Dangerfield

brainyquote.com

A Touch of Humor

 Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.

Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

 The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

unijokes.com

A Touch Of Humor

America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody’s gonna be disappointed. Somebody’s wasting their fucking time. Could it be everyone?"  

-- George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”

— Zach Galifianakis, 

A Touch Of Humor

“The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy. That’s why the wedding vow isn't ‘do you take Bill Simpson?’; it’s ‘Do you take this man?’”

— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Opera

A Touch Of Humor

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

— Demetri Martin, Demetri Martin Jokes | Comedy Central Stand-Up | Demetri Martin: 

A Touch Of Humor

 I like the theory that chocolate slows down the aging process...It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance?

Tom Brown

A Touch Of Humor

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

"All right. What can I get you guys?"

- "Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?"

- "I'll ask."

The House Bunny (2008)

A Touch Of Humor

"Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights."

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)

A Touch of Humor

 - "Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your captain, Captain Oveur."

- "Gentlemen, welcome aboard."
- "Captain, your navigator, Mr. Unger, and your first officer, Mr. Dunn."
- "Unger."
- "Oveur."
- "Oveur."
- "Dunn. Gentlemen, let's get to work."
- "Unger, didn't you serve under Oveur in the Air Force?"
- "Not directly. Technically, Dunn was under Oveur and I was under Dunn."
- "Yep."
- "So, Dunn, you were under Oveur and over Unger."
- "Yep."
- "That's right. Dunn was over Unger and I was over Dunn."
- "So, you see, both Dunn and I were under Oveur, even though I was under Dunn."
- "Dunn was over Unger, and I was over Dunn."

Airplane II: The Sequel (1982)

A Touch of Humor

 "Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listenin' to her enough, or somethin'. I don't know, I wasn't really payin' attention."

Dumb & Dumber (1994)

A Touch Of Humor

At the beginning of the pandemic it was assumed that in 9-months there would be an historic baby boom. While in fact America has entered a pandemic-inspired baby bust. It turns out, no one is saying, ‘Hey you know what being trapped in this tiny apartment with you puts me in the mood for? A screaming infant.’

Stephen Colbert

A Touch of Humor

 I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting. 

Andy Rooney

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/andy-rooney-quotes

A Touch of Humor

 I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

 Rodney Dangerfield

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/rodney-dangerfield-quotes

A Touch of Humor

 Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. 

George Carlin

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/george-carlin-quotes

A Touch of Humor

 But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move."

Jim Gaffigan

A Touch Of Humor

"When people say, 'it's always the last place you look.' Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?"

Billy Connolly

A Touch Of Humor

“Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.”

― H.L. Mencken, Notes on Democracy (1880 - 1956) (Renowned Journalist, Satirist, Scholar)

A Touch Of Humor

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) (Preeminent Humorist and Renowned Author)  

A Touch Of Humor

I'll make the money by selling one of my livers ... I can get by with one.

Homer Simpson

A Touch of Humor

 ATC: flight 2-0-niner you’re cleared for takeoff. Captain Oveur: Roger! Roger: Eh? ATC: LA departure frequency 1-2-3 point niner. Captain Oveur: Roger! Roger: Huh? Victor: Request vector, over. Captain Oveur: What? ATC: Flight 2-0-niner cleared for vector 3-2-4. Roger: We have clearance, Clarence. Captain Oveur: Roger, Roger, what’s our vector, Victor? ATC: Tower radio clearance, over. Captain Oveur: That’s “Clarence Oveur”, over. ATC: Roger! Roger: Huh? ATC: Roger, over. Roger: Huh?! Captain Oveur: Who?!

Airplane, The Movie

A Touch Of Humor

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor - Ricky Gervais - Painful For Others

“Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others.
The same applies when you are stupid.”

― Ricky Gervais 

A Touch Of Humor

[My wife] She’s a lousy cook too, she can’t cook at all. I leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

“Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.”

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Confident, Stupid.”

 - Actor Troy McClure

A Touch Of Humor

New Rule: Someone must ask the kid whose science fair project was to smear lipstick on a cat’s butt to see how much of the surfaces in the house come in contact with the cat’s anus. What did you find out? And did you tell mom what you did with her lipstick before you put it back in her purse?

Bill Maher

A Touch of Humor

 One-liners about food

• A lot of people cry when they're cutting onions. The secret is not to form an emotional bond.
• I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
• Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.

A Touch of Humor

 One-liners about sports

• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
• The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
• Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
• When I get a dog, I'm going to name him Five-Miles so I can say I walk five miles every day.

A Touch Of Humor

 One-liners about relationships

• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
• I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
• My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
• Last night my girlfriend and I watched three movies back-to-back. Luckily, I was the one facing the TV.

A Touch Of Humor

Last night, the first US cruise ship in 15 months set ... sale. It is perfect for anyone who’s been stuck in their house for 15 months and thought, ‘This has been great! I just wish the room was much smaller and slowly rocking.’

 Stephen Colbert 

A Touch Of Humor

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they’ll donate me to Tupperware.

Joan Rivers

A Touch Of Humor

I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.

Jackie Mason

A Touch Of Humor

I read that muffins sold at Walmart and 7-Eleven have been recalled over concerns about listeria. Walmart apologized while 7-Eleven just slapped on a sticker saying listeria flavor. 

Jimmy Fallon  

A Touch Of Humor

“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”

― Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) (Popular Poet, Playwright and Humorist) 

A Touch Of Humor

DID YOU KNOW? 

Replacing your potato chips with grapefruit as a snack you can lose up to 90% of what little joy you still have left in your life.

Author Unknown 

Thank you to my Facebook friend Barbara Ann for sharing this with us. 

A Touch Of Humor

 PEANUTS

Lucy: “In the Great Cruise Ship of Life, some people place their deck chairs to the fore and look at what’s coming, and others place there’s to the aft and look at what’s past. In the Great Cruise Ship of Life, which way is your deck chair facing?”

Charlie Brown: “In the Great Cruise Ship of Life, I’m one of those who can’t get my deck chair unfolded.”

Thank you to my friend Tom Brown for sharing this humor with us.

A Touch Of Humor

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

-George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’

-Chris Rock

A Touch Of Humor

“To live is to risk it all; otherwise you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you.”

 — Rick (Rick and Morty)

A Touch Of Humor

 “To be honest . . . I think the only thing that really worked in my favor, is that right from the beginning I really didn’t [care] whether or not [Seinfeld] was a success. That’s not to say I didn’t want to do good work, but I wasn’t about to let myself be judged by network standards. When you’re not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.”

Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm)

A Touch Of Humor

"Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father."

"I don't wanna be your father."

"That's perfect. You already know your lines."

ABED (DANNY PUDI) AND JEFF (JOEL MCHALE) ON COMMUNITY (NBC, 2009)

A Touch Of Humor

I’d Rather Let A Thousand Guilty Men Go Free Than Chase After Them.

Chief Wiggum, The Simpsons

A Touch Of Humor

This Anonymous Clan Of Slack-Jawed Troglodytes Has Cost Me The Election. And Yet, If I Were To Have Them Killed, I Would Be The One To Go To Jail. That’s Democracy For You.

Mr. Burns, The Simpsons

A Touch Of Humor

California is in the grip of a drought. And that’s caused Sacramento’s drinking water to taste like dirt. But one city official assured residents: “It might not taste great ... but it is still safe to drink.” And [he] was immediately sued for copyright infringement by Michelob Ultra [Because this how Michelob describes Ultra] 

 Stephen Colbert 

A Touch Of Humor

"Remember, if you don't sin, then Jesus died for nothing."

Ricky Gervais 

A Touch Of Humor

It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'

Sam Levenson (American Humorist, Author, TV Host, Journalist)

A Touch Of Humor

Ted Striker: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We’re bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We’re coming in from the north, below their radar.

Elaine Dickinson: When will you be back?

Ted Striker: I can’t tell you that. It’s classified.

Airplane (The Movie)

A Touch of Humor

“I’m the cool dad. That’s my thang. I’m hip. I surf the Web. I text. LOL: Laugh Out Loud. OMG: Oh My God. WTF: Why the Face?”

PHIL DUNPHY (TY BURRELL) ON MODERN FAMILY (ABC, 2009)

A Touch Of Humor

Funny Wrong Predictions

"It will be gone by June."

On rock 'n' roll, Variety magazine in 1955.

A Touch Of Humor

The world’s first wooden satellite will launch this year. It will be the first satellite to burn up on exit. They’re launching it in order to test the durability of plywood panels in the extreme conditions of space ... As a one time owner of several IKEA items, I can tell you that plywood panels can’t even handle the extreme conditions of [an] apartment. 

Stephen Colbert  

A Touch Of Humor - Trevor Noah - Hot weather

The National Weather Service [said today] “No easy way to say this, so we’ll just cut straight to the chase: “It’s going to be very hot for a long time.”

Trevor Noah: That’s right, very hot for a long time. Also known in meteorology circles as the Halle Berry phenomena.

A Touch of Humor

Dan: You want dinner? Fine. I'm fixing dinner!

Roseanne: Oh but honey you just cooked dinner 3 years ago!

Roseanne

A Touch of Humor

Ted Baxter: Folks, I've just received a special news bulletin: "You have something on your front tooth."

The Mary Tyler Moore show

A Touch of Humor

Ralph: If any of the Racoons ever get sick, it'll be my responsibility to go and visit them.

Alice: Oh, that is a very important responsibility, Ralph. You better start now and find out what the visiting hours are at Bellevue.

Ralph: That did it, Alice - that did it. You have just broken the camel's back with that straw. You have ridiculed my brother Racoons. You have just made fun of something very big that's close to my heart.

Alice: The only thing big that's close to your heart is your stomach.

The Honeymooners

A Touch Of Humor

Royal Caribbean has announced a US come back for this summer. There’s only one catch. Vaccinations are optional. What the what? You can’t trust cruise passengers to make smart health decisions. These are people who wait in line to scoop up macaroni salad from a bin a toddler left a flip-flop in.

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

Whenever I leave a restaurant, I always stop by a random table and say, “Thank you for taking care of our check.”

Steve Martin

A Touch Of Humor

Frank Burns: The men hate me, don't they?

Radar: Just your guts, sir.

M*A*S*H

A Touch Of Humor

[Peter is eating cereal].

Peter: Oh my God, Brian... There's a message in my Alpha Bits... It says "Ooooooo".

Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Family Guy

A Touch Of Humor

In India, [the] huge surge in cases along with the vaccine shortage is pushing people to try unconventional treatments. So much so that doctors are trying to convince people that there’s no evidence smearing yourself in cow dung cures coronavirus. Though I’m pretty sure it will keep people 6 feet away.

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

Rose: You don't understand. Everyone likes me - I'm the nice one! Dorothy is the smart one, Blanche is the sexy one, Sophia is the old one, and I'm the nice one! Everybody likes me.

Sophia: The old one isn't so crazy about you.

The Golden Girls

A Touch Of Humor

Jerry: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long-distance service?

Jerry: Oh, gee. I...I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later?

Telemarketer: Uh...well, I'm sorry. We're not allowed to do that.

Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.

Telemarketer: No.

Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.

Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Emo Phillips

A Touch Of Humor

“What is the meaning of life?”

All evidence to date suggests it’s chocolate.

Author Unknown

From my friend Tom Brown’s Facebook page

A Touch Of Humor

 [When comedian Brian Regan flies, he tries to get an emergency exit row seat.]

You know what kills me? When you’re in the emergency exit row seat ... you agree to save everyone. How  come when the flight is over, no-one thanks you?

You’d think someone would take note of it on the way out. [And say], “The fact that you were willing to put your life on the line to save me, my family and all the other souls on this plane is one of the greatest gifts a human can offer to another.”

Brian Regan

A Touch Of Humor

Meanwhile, as pandemic restrictions ease, and the vaccine rollout continues, major companies like Domino’s are now struggling to hire enough employees. Yeah, you can tell Domino’s is desperate. Earlier today, they ordered Papa John’s and kidnapped the driver.

Jimmy Fallon 

A Touch Of Humor

[There is currently a shortage of rental cars] 

That rental car thing could be my fault. I always buy the insurance and instead of returning (the car) to the airport, I drive it off a cliff.

Stephen Colbert 

A Touch Of Humor

Nobody likes anything! We’re cranky, we’re irritable and we’re dealing with it by constantly changing locations. And so we come up with things like this, what we’re doing right now, this is a made up, bogus, hyped up, not necessary special event. [His Concert] That’s what this is! That a lot of people worked very hard to put together so that we could all just kill some time. That’s why I’m here! I had nothing to do either by the way.

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

 Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a woman who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect woman? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect woman. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Unijokes.com 

A Touch Of Humor

Oh, I saw that Martha Stewart just announced the release of her 99th Cookbook. 99! At this point the recipes are just I dunno know – bologna on an Oreo?

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

I saw that Guinness just debuted a new beer with Nitro Cold Brew Coffee in it. The perfect gift for the sluggish drunk in your life. It’s a great product if you want your heart to feel like it’s napping and skydiving at the same time. 

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''

Unijokes.com

A Touch Of Humor

That’s the story of my life! No respect! I don’t get no respect at all! Well when I was born the doctor told my mother – I did all I could but he pulled through anyway.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

[The Oscars’ Low TV Ratings] One of the winners went up there and did that thing they always do: He thanked his Agent and God and told his kids, “Go to bed kids.” And the babysitter texted back: “They already did.”

Bill Maher

A Touch Of Humor

[Vacationing in an RV during COVID-19] But this year when families were housebound with one another, living, working and schooling all under the same roof everybody was naturally thinking: I wish there was a way we could do all this in an even smaller space but with a chemical toilet in traffic.

 Stephen Colbert 

A Touch Of Humor

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."

He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Unijokes.com 

A Touch Of Humor

Speaking of vaccinations, I saw that people will soon be able to get their vaccine shots in airports like LaGuardia. New Yorkers heard and we’re like, “I’m flying through LaGuardia! Do you think I care about living.”

Jimmy Fallon 

A Touch Of Humor

 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Unijokes.com

A Touch Of Humor

 At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all is, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!" The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "I'm gonna go pick her up."

Unijokes.com

A Touch Of Humor

La-Z-Boy executives said customers could expect delivery dates that are 5 to 9 months out from their order dates. 5 to 9 months is ridiculous! I expect a little more hustle out of La-Z-Boy.

Stephen Colbert 

A Touch Of Humor

The Simpsons 

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, the results of your physical are very concerning. You’re 80 pounds overweight!

Homer: I wore my socks on the scale. 

Dr. Hibbert: And your cholesterol is sky high!

Homer: Go big or go home. 

Dr. Hibbert: Oh, and your testosterone is just a little bit low. 

Homer: Testosterone! That’s what fuels my punching and yelling. And my undeserved confidence. Now I’ll never be an NFL quarterback/international superspy! Ooohhh!!!

A Touch Of Humor

According to a new report, some US airlines may start weighing passengers before they board their flights.

Now when you get to the airport, you get searched and weighed. We’re basically a urine sample away from being a full physical. 

Jimmy Fallon 

A Touch Of Humor

 A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.  The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Unijokes.com

A Touch Of Humor

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” – George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

Funny Wrong Predictions

"The world potential market for copying machines is 5,000 at most."

IBM, to the eventual founders of Xerox, saying the photocopier had no market large enough to justify production, 1959.

A Touch Of Humor

The government is doing all they can to get people vaccinated. Today I read The Biden Administration is teaming up with McDonald’s to help raise vaccine awareness. So get ready for the all new McDerna. You know we’re living through historic times when McDonald’s is giving public health advice.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

I doubt we have much in common (Wyoming Republican Congresswomen Liz Cheney) I’ve never been to Wyoming and I have no plans to go. But not because it isn’t beautiful which I’m sure it is. But as a New Yorker if there isn’t a bodega within a five minute walking distance where I can get batteries, deodorant, a single roll of toilet paper, an egg and cheese on a roll and hear people complaining about [NY Mayor] deBlasio in multiple languages, I can’t live there.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there's no god.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

[Mercedes’ new giant touch screen] When it debuts in late 2021 [we] will be looking at a screen nearly 5 feet across that provides various ‘infotainment, comfort and vehicle functions.’ Hey! You know what’s super compelling infotainment to watch while you’re driving? The road!

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

 A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

 The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

Unijokes.com