Friday, April 16, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

The 4 Stages Of Christmas:

1) You believe in Santa.

2) You don't believe in Santa.

3) You are Santa.

4) You are Santa and beginning to get a tummy to match.

Author Unknown

Thursday, April 15, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Funny Wrong Predictions:

"The Beatles Have No Future In Show Business." 

A Decca Records executive to the band’s manager, Brian Epstein, following an audition in 1962. He continued: “We don’t like your boys’ sound. Groups are out. Four-piece groups with guitars, particularly, are finished.”

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Funny Wrong Predictions

“Television won’t last because people will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.”  Darryl F. Zanuck, movie producer, studio executive, 20th Century Fox, 1946

Thank you to my friend Nick Miller for sharing this quote with us.

Tuesday, April 13, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I never apologize ... I'm sorry but that's the way I am.

Homer Simpson

Monday, April 12, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary. 

Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her. When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.

The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband. Shazam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
 
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger. Shazam! Instantly he turned 93 years old. 

Friday, April 9, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Tired of how complex cell phones have become.

[Instead] “They have these phones for old people with the giant buttons like floor tiles, did you ever see that commercial? These are old people phones - two buttons… Your Kids [and] Ambulance. That’s it!”

 Jerry Seinfeld

Thursday, April 8, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

“I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.”

Homer Simpson

Wednesday, April 7, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

Alex Levine

Tuesday, April 6, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

When I thought I was sick, my doctor told me to take plenty of liquids and get a lot of rest. [So] I drank until I passed out.

Rodney Dangerfield

Monday, April 5, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

According to the latest numbers, the world’s largest theater chain AMC Entertainment lost $4.6 billion in 2020. And experts say it could take up to 10 large popcorns to make it back.

Seth Meyers

Friday, April 2, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Winston Churchill

Thursday, April 1, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

The Miami Heat [basketball team] will use COVID sniffing dogs to screen fans at games [looking for COVID]. Which brings us to our new segment, I have some questions:

First up – Since when are there dogs that can “sniff“ COVID? Next up – if a dog “sniffs“ COVID, won’t it get COVID? Follow up – can dogs get COVID? If they can, and a common symptom of COVID is loss of smell, how can you trust the dog to properly smell more COVID?

Jimmy Fallon

Wednesday, March 31, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler, Jesus."


Tuesday, March 30, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

The Simpsons

Marge - Who is calling you so late?

Homer -  Telemarketers. Gotta take it. Those people are so sensitive. 




Monday, March 29, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

According to a new study, eating breakfast before 8:30 AM may lower the risk of developing diabetes. But it doesn’t count if you were out drinking until then.

Seth Meyers

Friday, March 26, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

New Rule: Someone must tell Hasbro, who just announced they’re dropping the Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head to be more gender neutral, that not having genitals is gender neutral enough.

Bill Maher

Thursday, March 25, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

“I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn't believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.”

― Ricky Gervais

Wednesday, March 24, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

“I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.” 

- George

Tuesday, March 23, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.”

 – Sophia (Golden Girls)

Monday, March 22, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

It was a year ago today (3-11-21) that we had our last show with a full-audience. Six days later I did the show from home. And six days after that both my kids had agents.

Jimmy Fallon

Friday, March 19, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 “That’s perfect — Brian being a seismologist, and you having so many faults.”

FRASIER (KELSEY GRAMMER), MEETING LILITH’S (BEBE NEUWIRTH) BOYFRIEND, ON 'FRASIER' (NBC, 1994)

Thursday, March 18, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 “I’m the cool dad. That’s my thang. I’m hip. I surf the Web. I text. LOL: Laugh Out Loud. OMG: Oh My God. WTF: Why the Face?”

PHIL DUNPHY (TY BURRELL) ON MODERN FAMILY (ABC, 2009)

Wednesday, March 17, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

So many people these days are too judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.

Author Unknown 

Tuesday, March 16, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

“You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up! I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’”

JERRY (JERRY SEINFELD), TO GEORGE (JASON ALEXANDER), ON 'SEINFELD' (NBC, 1993)

Monday, March 15, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 “If 20 people said they liked me, I’m telling you, I would be thinking 17 of them are lying, two of them have severe emotional problems, and one of them’s probably confusing me with Larry King.”

LARRY SANDERS (GARRY SHANDLING) ON THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW (HBO, 1992)

Friday, March 12, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

  “If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.”

—Claire Foster (Tina Fey), Date Night

Thursday, March 11, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

  Stan Fields: “Describe your perfect date.”

Cheryl: “That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.”

—Stan Fields (William Shatner) and Cheryl Frasier (Heather Burns), Miss Congeniality

Wednesday, March 10, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

  “There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.”

—Elise (Goldie Hawn), The First Wives Club

Tuesday, March 9, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

  “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”

—Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear

Monday, March 8, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

– Steven Wright

Friday, March 5, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”

—Mark Twain

Thursday, March 4, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Funny Wrong Predictions

"The telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication."

William Orton, president of Western Union, in 1876, when Alexander Graham Bell tried to sell the company his invention.

Wednesday, March 3, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Well here’s some good news: This year the Girl Scouts are teaming up with GrubHub for contactless cookie delivery. And in a related story, 8-year-old Anna Washington just passed Elon Musk to become the richest person in the world. 

Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, March 2, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.”

Homer Simpson

Monday, March 1, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

You gotta think positive, you gotta think outside the box. For example, I celebrate Halloween in August. Cause when you show up at someone's house at night wearing a mask in August, you get better stuff.

Karen Rontowski

Friday, February 26, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 “Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”

– Cullen Hightower

Thursday, February 25, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

My whole family is nuts. I remember my aunt. She used to make embroidered inspirational pillows. Yeah. One day she smothered my uncle with one of them. The last thing he saw coming at him was 'Today is the first day of the rest of your life.'

Karen Rontowski

Wednesday, February 24, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

Emo Phillips

Tuesday, February 23, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced earlier this week his foundation will open its first preschool called The Bezos Academy. Big deal. Netflix has been running a preschool in my living room for months.

Seth Meyers

Monday, February 22, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

And my wife, she's a beauty. I told her I'm seeing a psychiatrist. She told me she's seeing a psychiatrist, a bar tender and two plumbers.

Rodney Dangerfield

Friday, February 19, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”


—Jerry Seinfeld

Thursday, February 18, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

Will Rogers

Wednesday, February 17, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

The Simpsons, just before leaving on a trip:

Homer: Whoa, this trip is going to cost how much?

Marge: I know it’s expensive but we spend our whole lives worrying about money.

Homer: That’s because we don’t have that much. We have a mortgage, a reverse mortgage, I think the house is owned by the car.


Tuesday, February 16, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”

– Johnny Carson

Monday, February 15, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

President Biden had his first call yesterday with Russian President Vladimir Putin. He didn’t mean to. He was just talking to one of the plants in the Oval Office and it talked back.

Seth Meyers

Friday, February 12, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”

—Groucho Marx

Thursday, February 11, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

  “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”

—Zach Galifianakis

Wednesday, February 10, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

[Since becoming President] Biden also changed some of the décor swapping the previous President's portrait of Andrew Jackson to one of Benjamin Franklin. That's nice! Replacing a notoriously racist President with a celebrated founding father. Plus just trading a Jackson for a Benjamin you clear about 80 bucks.

Stephen Colbert

Tuesday, February 9, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

 ~Lucille Ball (1911 - 1989) (Actress, Comedian, Movie Studio President)

Humor from sister Lorrie Kazan's Prosperity Meditation

Monday, February 8, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Big news today from the business world ... because Amazon announced that their CEO Jeff Bezos will be stepping down. In his absence, Bezos will be turning over the reins to the company’s long time cloud-computing boss Andy Jassy. In the end, I’m just impressed that the company that delivered my dog food and espresso pads had a more peaceful transfer of power than the United States government. 

Stephen Colbert 

Friday, February 5, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Funny Wrong Predictions

"Remote shopping, while entirely feasible, will flop."

Time magazine, 1966

Thursday, February 4, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Food for thought ...

Wouldn't it be ironic if Popeye's Chicken was fried in Olive Oil.

Author Unknown

Wednesday, February 3, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

43-year-old Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady will be the oldest player to play in the Super Bowl. Though he will still be the youngest person in Tampa. 

Seth Meyers 

Tuesday, February 2, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

 - Homer Simpson

Monday, February 1, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Coke with Coffee is finally here! Perfect for everyone saying, ‘I wish my refreshing cola made me more jittery. Yeah, sure, I’ve got the heart rate of a hummingbird and the blood pressure of a pneumatic jack, but I don’t quite feel like I could flip a minivan.’

Stephen Colbert 

Friday, January 29, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Funny Wrong Predictions

"There's no chance that the iPhone is going to get any significant market share. No chance."

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, 2007


Thursday, January 28, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Funny Wrong Predictions:

"The horse is here to stay but the automobile is only a novelty - a fad."

The president of the Michigan Savings Bank advising Henry Ford's lawyer not to invest in the Ford Motor Co., 1903

Wednesday, January 27, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with.

They'll never tell anyone because they aren't even listening.

Author Unknown


Tuesday, January 26, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I saw that Nestlé is recalling more than 762,000 pounds of Pepperoni Hot Pockets over concerns that they may have pieces of glass or plastic inside of them. Right now customers are [deciding between] Pepperoni Hot Pockets filled with glass and plastic or Spinach Artichoke Lean Pockets [saying to themselves] ‘I mean, how much glass and plastic could it be?’ 

This pretty much sums up the crazy times. You survive Covid but then you’re killed by Hot Pockets.  

Jimmy Fallon 

Monday, January 25, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Mercedes-Benz announced that it will introduce an electric sedan with a mammoth, pillar to pillar, 56 inch touchscreen which Mercedes calls the ‘Hyper Screen.’ Because the term Collision Generator 9000 was already taken.

Stephen Colbert

Friday, January 22, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

  “The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom; I’m a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor’s office. That’s worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.”

—Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick), Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Friday, January 15, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Steven Wright

Thursday, January 14, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I tell you when I was a kid I got no respect, no respect at all. The time I was lost on a beach, a cop helped me look for my parents. I said to the cop, do you think we will find them? He said, I don’t know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

Rodney Dangerfield

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Ironic, isn’t it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.

 - Mr. Burns

Tuesday, January 12, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Some sports news. The NFL regular season is over and for the first time since 2002, the Cleveland Browns are going to the playoffs ... When they heard that they made the playoffs, the Browns were like, ‘There’s more games after the season? They do that every year?’

Jimmy Fallon 

Monday, January 11, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

The Senate will actually be split 50-50 with Vice President-elect Kamala Harris holding the tiebreaker that determines control. So essentially Harris is still going to be a Senator, pretty on-brand for America to elect their first woman Vice President and make her do her old job too. Only pay her for one of them.

 Stephen Colbert  

Friday, January 8, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

– Phyllis Diller

Thursday, January 7, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 “Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.”

– Ozzy Osbourne

Wednesday, January 6, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 “When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.”

– Norm Crosby

Tuesday, January 5, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Last week I saw my dentist. Another beauty, my dentist. I said to him can you put in a new tooth to match my other teeth? He put in a tooth with four cavities.

Rodney Dangerfield

Monday, January 4, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

In the fantasy mind of the golfing father, when he comes home, the family will come running out to hear the exciting stories of his golfing adventures. In reality, no one is even aware that he has left or returned. From 8 1/2 hours of idiotic hacking through sand and weeds while driving drunk in a clown car through a fake park.

Jerry Seinfeld

Friday, January 1, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 “Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'”

– Conan O’Brien