The 4 Stages Of Christmas:
1) You believe in Santa.
2) You don't believe in Santa.
3) You are Santa.
4) You are Santa and beginning to get a tummy to match.
Funny Wrong Predictions:
"The Beatles Have No Future In Show Business."
A Decca Records executive to the band’s manager, Brian Epstein, following an audition in 1962. He continued: “We don’t like your boys’ sound. Groups are out. Four-piece groups with guitars, particularly, are finished.”
Funny Wrong Predictions
“Television won’t last because people will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” Darryl F. Zanuck, movie producer, studio executive, 20th Century Fox, 1946
Thank you to my friend Nick Miller for sharing this quote with us.
A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.
Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her. When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband. Shazam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The Miami Heat [basketball team] will use COVID sniffing dogs to screen fans at games [looking for COVID]. Which brings us to our new segment, I have some questions:
First up – Since when are there dogs that can “sniff“ COVID? Next up – if a dog “sniffs“ COVID, won’t it get COVID? Follow up – can dogs get COVID? If they can, and a common symptom of COVID is loss of smell, how can you trust the dog to properly smell more COVID?
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler, Jesus."
“If 20 people said they liked me, I’m telling you, I would be thinking 17 of them are lying, two of them have severe emotional problems, and one of them’s probably confusing me with Larry King.”
LARRY SANDERS (GARRY SHANDLING) ON THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW (HBO, 1992)
Stan Fields: “Describe your perfect date.”Cheryl: “That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.”
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
The Simpsons, just before leaving on a trip:
Homer: Whoa, this trip is going to cost how much?
Marge: I know it’s expensive but we spend our whole lives worrying about money.
Homer: That’s because we don’t have that much. We have a mortgage, a reverse mortgage, I think the house is owned by the car.
Big news today from the business world ... because Amazon announced that their CEO Jeff Bezos will be stepping down. In his absence, Bezos will be turning over the reins to the company’s long time cloud-computing boss Andy Jassy. In the end, I’m just impressed that the company that delivered my dog food and espresso pads had a more peaceful transfer of power than the United States government.
Coke with Coffee is finally here! Perfect for everyone saying, ‘I wish my refreshing cola made me more jittery. Yeah, sure, I’ve got the heart rate of a hummingbird and the blood pressure of a pneumatic jack, but I don’t quite feel like I could flip a minivan.’
I saw that Nestlé is recalling more than 762,000 pounds of Pepperoni Hot Pockets over concerns that they may have pieces of glass or plastic inside of them. Right now customers are [deciding between] Pepperoni Hot Pockets filled with glass and plastic or Spinach Artichoke Lean Pockets [saying to themselves] ‘I mean, how much glass and plastic could it be?’
This pretty much sums up the crazy times. You survive Covid but then you’re killed by Hot Pockets.
“The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom; I’m a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor’s office. That’s worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.”—Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick), Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Some sports news. The NFL regular season is over and for the first time since 2002, the Cleveland Browns are going to the playoffs ... When they heard that they made the playoffs, the Browns were like, ‘There’s more games after the season? They do that every year?’
The Senate will actually be split 50-50 with Vice President-elect Kamala Harris holding the tiebreaker that determines control. So essentially Harris is still going to be a Senator, pretty on-brand for America to elect their first woman Vice President and make her do her old job too. Only pay her for one of them.