A Touch of Humor

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

George Burns

A Touch of Humor

 A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’

Conan O’Brien

A Touch of Humor

 The road to success is always under construction.

Lily Tomlin

A Touch of Humor

When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

Richard Lewis

A Touch of Humor

 I think everything must go back to the fact that I had a very anxious childhood. You know, my mother never had time for me. You know, when you’re the middle child in a family of five million, you don’t get any attention. I mean, how is it possible? 

Antz

A Touch of Humor

 You can observe a lot by watching. 

Yogi Berra

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A Touch of Humor

 Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Seuss inspired me to try cauliflower!

 Jim Carrey

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A Touch of Humor

 Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything! 

Steve Martin

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A Touch of Humor

 A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. 

Rodney Dangerfield

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A Touch of Humor

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." 

—Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

 ."The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."

—Shirley MacLaine

A Touch of Humor

  "I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not blonde."

—Dolly Parton

A Touch of Humor

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

A Touch of Humor

 - "He did a great job on that suit. You don't realize how good you look. Do you like it?"

- "It's not K-Mart."

- "How could you not like that suit? You look fantastic, Ray? How can you not like that suit?"

- "It's not a K-Mart suit."

- "Let me let you in on a little secret, Ray. K-Mart sucks. OK?"

- "Yeah."

Rain Man (1988)

A Touch Of Humor

 “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

—Joan Rivers

A Touch Of Humor

 “When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.'”

—Yogi Berra

A Touch Of Humor

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.” 

—Rita Mae Brown

A Touch Of Humor

. “If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” 

—Aldo Cammarota

A Touch Of Humor

“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.”

 —Socrates

A Touch Of Humor

“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.”

—Dowager Countess Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith), Downton Abbey

A Touch Of Humor

 "So we finish 18 and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, 'Hey, Lama! Hey! How about a little somethin', you know, for the effort, you know.' And he says, 'Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."

Caddyshack (1980)

A Touch of Humor

 "Yup. I said it before and I'll say it again. Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

A Touch Of Humor

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”

—Groucho Marx