The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.
Arthur C. Clarke
“Oh God gets your prayers, but he just clicks delete without reading them...”
- Homer Simpson, Season 26, Episode 16, 'Sky Police'.
I saw that Elon Musk just passed Jeff Bezos as the richest person in the world. Anyway, if you can, hit up Jeff’s GoFundMe page, and let’s help him get back to Number 1.
“Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.”
Meanwhile, toymaker Hasbro just said it would raise the price of its games and toys as the cost of raw materials increases. Yeah. Now they’re just selling boxes that say, toy not included.
“Grape works as a soda. Sort of as a gum. I wonder why it doesn’t work as a pie. Grape pie? There’s no grape pie.”
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?