Friday, April 30, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

In an auditorium filled with people, Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations" He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SH*T!" said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the auditorium.

Thursday, April 29, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Six Flags announced that it will reopen it’s theme parks in California next month. When I asked if it was safe they said, ‘I mean it’s as safe as we’ve ever been.’

Seth Meyers

Wednesday, April 28, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 A man is talking to the family doctor, "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is." The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?" He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what’s for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!" 

Tuesday, April 27, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Some entertainment news. I saw that Vin Diesel is going to star in a live action movie based on the old toy Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots. Say what you want but it’s nice to finally see a human taking over a robot’s job.

Jimmy Fallon

Monday, April 26, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

A new study has found that your dog gets jealous just imagining you with another canine. But it also found that your cat never thinks about you at all.

Stephen Colbert

Friday, April 23, 2021

A Touch of Humor

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.'” – Conan O’Brien

Thursday, April 22, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

“… We are all here on earth to help others: what on earth the others are here for, I don’t know…”

W.H. Auden 1907 - 1973) (Famed Poet, Professor)

From my sister Lorrie Kazan’s Prosperity Meditation

Wednesday, April 21, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Chipotle is launching a make up collection. Great news for anyone who has looked at a burrito and thought, ‘Boy, I wish my face looked like that!’

Stephen Colbert

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

[Store Sign]

Push to open.

If that does not work pull.

If both do not work, try the actual entrance to your left.

Author Unknown (posted by my friend Tom Brown on his Facebook page)

Monday, April 19, 2021

A Touch of Humor

Due to the massive increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces and are now Fed-Up.

Author Unknown (from my friend Tom Brown’s Facebook page)

Friday, April 16, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

The 4 Stages Of Christmas:

1) You believe in Santa.

2) You don't believe in Santa.

3) You are Santa.

4) You are Santa and beginning to get a tummy to match.

Author Unknown

Thursday, April 15, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Funny Wrong Predictions:

"The Beatles Have No Future In Show Business." 

A Decca Records executive to the band’s manager, Brian Epstein, following an audition in 1962. He continued: “We don’t like your boys’ sound. Groups are out. Four-piece groups with guitars, particularly, are finished.”

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Funny Wrong Predictions

“Television won’t last because people will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.”  Darryl F. Zanuck, movie producer, studio executive, 20th Century Fox, 1946

Thank you to my friend Nick Miller for sharing this quote with us.

Tuesday, April 13, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I never apologize ... I'm sorry but that's the way I am.

Homer Simpson

Monday, April 12, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

 A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary. 

Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her. When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.

The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband. Shazam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger. Shazam! Instantly he turned 93 years old. 

Friday, April 9, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Tired of how complex cell phones have become.

[Instead] “They have these phones for old people with the giant buttons like floor tiles, did you ever see that commercial? These are old people phones - two buttons… Your Kids [and] Ambulance. That’s it!”

 Jerry Seinfeld

Thursday, April 8, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

“I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.”

Homer Simpson

Wednesday, April 7, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

Alex Levine

Tuesday, April 6, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

When I thought I was sick, my doctor told me to take plenty of liquids and get a lot of rest. [So] I drank until I passed out.

Rodney Dangerfield

Monday, April 5, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

According to the latest numbers, the world’s largest theater chain AMC Entertainment lost $4.6 billion in 2020. And experts say it could take up to 10 large popcorns to make it back.

Seth Meyers

Friday, April 2, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Winston Churchill

Thursday, April 1, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

The Miami Heat [basketball team] will use COVID sniffing dogs to screen fans at games [looking for COVID]. Which brings us to our new segment, I have some questions:

First up – Since when are there dogs that can “sniff“ COVID? Next up – if a dog “sniffs“ COVID, won’t it get COVID? Follow up – can dogs get COVID? If they can, and a common symptom of COVID is loss of smell, how can you trust the dog to properly smell more COVID?

Jimmy Fallon