Friday, October 29, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' 

Steven Wright

Thursday, October 28, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit

. Mitch Hedberg

Wednesday, October 27, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 

George Carlin

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. 

Henny Youngman

Friday, October 22, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

This is interesting. I saw that Amazon has launched a new invite only section of its site called ‘Luxury Stores.’ [CNN: “At Amazon’s new ‘Luxury Stores,’ you can’t buy anything unless you’re invited.”] That’s nice. Now you can order a $5000 Oscar de la Renta gown and then have the package hurled over your fence.

Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, October 21, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.

- Michael J. Fox

Wednesday, October 20, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Yeah, I did some drugs, though probably not as many as you think. How many drugs do you think I did?

Elaine Nardo: A lot.

"Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Wow! Right on the nose!

"Taxi" (1970's sitcom)

Tuesday, October 19, 2021

A Touch Of Humor

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

- Mitch Hedberg

Monday, October 18, 2021

A Touch of Humor

  “I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

Steven Wright

Friday, October 15, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 “I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.”

 —Shane Richie, British actor

Thursday, October 14, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” 

—Charlie Brown

Wednesday, October 13, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 “User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.'” 

Dave Barry

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 “WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.” 

—Crystal Lowery 

Monday, October 11, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” 

—Nora Ephron

Friday, October 8, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. 

W. C. Fields

Thursday, October 7, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 “Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire. It’ll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store.”

Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)

Wednesday, October 6, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. 

Steven Wright

Tuesday, October 5, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. 

Bill Hicks

Monday, October 4, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

 Joan Rivers

Friday, October 1, 2021

A Touch of Humor

 I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

 George Burns