Tuesday, August 30, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Two hikers were walking through the woods when they suddenly confronted a giant bear. Immediately, one of the men took off his boots, pulled out a pair of track shoes, and began putting them on.

“What are you doing?” cried his companion. “We can’t outrun that bear, even with jogging shoes.”

“Who cares about the bear?” the first hiker replied. “All I have to worry about is outrunning you.”

—Jim Whitehead, The Daily Herald

Monday, August 29, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“O, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

—Maria Salmon

Friday, August 26, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. 

Rodney Dangerfield

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/rodney-dangerfield-quotes

Thursday, August 25, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. 

Mitch Hedberg

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/mitch-hedberg-quotes

Wednesday, August 24, 2022

A Touch of Humor

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. 

Henny Youngman

Tuesday, August 23, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Steven Wright

Monday, August 22, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  "Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

George Carlin

Friday, August 19, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

Thursday, August 18, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.

I told them, “Just you wait!”

Wednesday, August 17, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is…

Wait, where are we again?

Tuesday, August 16, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

Monday, August 15, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

Friday, August 12, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

Thursday, August 11, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

Wednesday, August 10, 2022

A Touch of Humor

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

Tuesday, August 9, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Why do dogs make terrible dance partners?

– They’ve got two left feet!

Monday, August 8, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Steve Martin

Friday, August 5, 2022

Thursday, August 4, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-52s ruined that for me.”

—Meme attributed to Shaquille O’Neal

Wednesday, August 3, 2022

A Touch of Humor

“If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.”

—Claire Foster (Tina Fey), Date Night

Tuesday, August 2, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.”

—Maria Bamford

Monday, August 1, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “Trying is the first step toward failure.”

—Homer Simpson, The Simpsons