Friday, July 29, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                                              Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

                                                               Google Images
                                          I asked Ralphie if he ate my ice cream, and he replied,
                                          "What ice cream?"

A Touch of Humor

                                                                       Cartoon Stock

A Touch Of Humor

"If I'm on the course and lightening starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him."

Bob Hope

A Touch Of Humor

[Regarding U.S. Airport Security]

The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news. "His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.”

Conan O’Brien, on Conan

A Touch Of Humor

[Regarding U.S. Airport Security] [Per The Reader's Digest]

The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news. "His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.”

Conan O’Brien, on Conan

A Touch Of Humor

"You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker."

Zach Galifianakis

A Touch Of Humor

"My kitchen floor is sticky, and 
I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers."

Sarah Silverman

A Touch Of Humor

I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures?" 

Ricky Gervais

A Touch Of Humor

"We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet."

Rita Rudner

A Touch Of Humor

"Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy."

Author Unknown

(Thank you to my friend Ben Haney for sharing this humor)

Thursday, July 28, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"Humans love sex, we need sex, it's how we connect, it reminds us we're alive, it's the third most basic human need, after food and good movie popcorn."

Billy Crystal

A Touch Of Humor

"In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is, the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it."

Billy Crystal

A Touch Of Humor

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

Billy Crystal

A Touch Of Humor

"They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs."

Norm MacDonald

Sunday, July 24, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                                                 Anonymous

A Touch Of Humor

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”

Drew Carey 

A Touch Of Humor

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."

Drew Carey

Friday, July 22, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                                                 Anonymous

A Touch Of Humor

"What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating and endangered plant?"

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck."

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

"A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you."

Jay Leno

A Touch Of Humor

"Now all of us can talk to the NSA—just by dialing any number."

David Letterman

A Touch Of Humor

"Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that's just in the hot dogs."

David Letterman

A Touch Of Humor

"NASA's Mars Lander found traces of ice and salt on Mars. Right now it's searching for tequila."

David Letterman

A Touch Of Humor

"Robbers broke into the Gap over the weekend. The suspects are described as being armed and casual."

David Letterman

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

“All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.”  

Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

“When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.”  

Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

“I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.”  

Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage.”  

Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

"I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.”

Woody Allen  

A Touch Of Humor

“More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.”  

Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”  

Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

“There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions."

Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

“I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.”   

Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.”  

Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

“Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.”

Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”  

Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”  

Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

“To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition.”  

Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”  

Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.”

Woody Allen

Monday, July 18, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"Fortunately my wife is understanding. When I come home from the races she never asks any questions, if I tell her I just ate a $380 hot dog."

Tim Conway

A Touch Of Humor

"I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough."

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

"I resent my barber when he charges the full cost after he cuts my hair, but he says he's charging me for finding it."

Tim Conway

A Touch Of Humor

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”  

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.”

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.”  

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”  

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” 

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“′Classic′ - a book which people praise and don't read.”  

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn’t any. But this wrongs the jackass.”

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

"All good things arrive unto them that wait and don't die in the meantime."

Mark Twain.

A Touch Of Humor

"The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog."

Mark Twain

Friday, July 15, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                                                    Humor Group

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday."

Andy Borowitz

A Touch Of Humor

"Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted."

Andy Borowitz

A Touch Of Humor

"The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there."

Andy Borowitz

A Touch Of Humor

"Cars will soon have the internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting."

Andy Borowitz

A Touch Of Humor

"Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard."

Andy Borowitz

A Touch Of Humor

"Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know."

Andy Borowitz

A Touch Of Humor

Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.

Andy Borowitz

A Touch Of Humor

"If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn."

Andy Borowitz

A Touch Of Humor

"US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage."

Andy Borowitz

A Touch Of Humor

"Thanks to the internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence."

Andy Borowitz

A Touch Of Humor

"I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one."

Andy Borowitz

A Touch Of Humor

"It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that."

Andy Borowitz

A Touch Of Humor

"Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun."

Andy Borowitz

A Touch Of Humor

"It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Andy Borowitz

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"Be content with what you have, but not with what you are."

Arnold Glasow (Successful Businessman, Humorist)

A Touch Of Humor

The best word of advice: "Don't give it."

Arnold Glasow (Successful Businessman, Humorist)

A Touch Of Humor

"If happiness could be bought, we'd be unhappy about the price."

Arnold Glasow (Successful Businessman, Humorist)

A Touch Of Humor

"Outer galaxies are hurtling away from us at 35,000 miles a second. They must know something."

Arnold Glasow (Successful Businessman, Humorist)

A Touch Of Humor

"It's hard to take advice from people who need it more than you."

Arnold Glasow (Successful Businessman, Humorist)

A Touch Of Humor

“We all know a fool when we see one - but not when we are one.”  

Arnold Glasow (Successful Businessman, Humorist)

A Touch Of Humor

“Praise does wonders for our sense of hearing.” 

Arnold Glasow (Successful Businessman, Humorist)

A Touch Of Humor

"Twitter is one those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult."

Colin Quinn

A Touch Of Humor

"I know nowadays the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity as long as you don't point out that people are different."

Colin Quinn

Monday, July 11, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."

Jack Lemmon

(Thank you to Joanne Stasio for this humor)

A Touch of Humor

                                                                                          Gary Larson

A Touch of Humor

                                                    In Another Universe by Steve Moore

Friday, July 8, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."

Winston Churchill


A Touch Of Humor

Winston Churchill Humor

U.S. President Harry S. Truman once defended Churchill’s replacement, Clement Attlee, by saying “He seems a modest sort of fellow.

To which, Churchill replied “He’s got a lot to be modest about"


A Touch Of Humor

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Winston Churchill

A Tpuch of Humor

"I may not agree with you, but I will defend to the death your right to make an ass of yourself."

Oscar Wilde

A Touch Of Wisdom

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

Oscar Wilde

A Touch Of Humor

“I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”

Oscar Wilde  

A Touch Of Humor

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”  

Oscar Wilde

Thursday, July 7, 2016

A Touch of Humor

 Students in a Harvard English 101 class were asked to write a concise essay containing four elements -religion, royalty, sex, and mystery. The only A+ in the class read "My God, " said the Queen, "I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it." 
                                                                                                          Author Unknown

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

“We've come from the same history - 2000 years of persecution - we've just expressed our sufferings differently. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complained, we just never thought of putting it to music.”  

Jon Stewart

A Touch Of Humor

“You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.”

Jon Stewart

A Touch Of Humor

“Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.”  

Jon Stewart

A Touch Of Humor

“Once I commit to something, I commit—at least until I quit, which can happen at any time.”  

Michael Ian Black

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                                       Self Portrait by Simon Phillpotts

Monday, July 4, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?"

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

"I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

"A pessimist asks if there is milk in the pitcher, an optimist asks you to pass the cream."

Folk Saying

(Courtesy of my sister, Lorrie Kazan)

Sunday, July 3, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later."

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

Mitch Hedberg

Saturday, July 2, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                                Being stuck in traffic is just the WORST!
                                                                                     From Puppies Woof

A Touch Of Humor

Dear Abby Humor

Dear Abby: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? —Annie
Dear Annie: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

A Touch Of Humor

Dear Abby Humor

Dear Abby: Are birth control pills deductible? —Bertie
Dear Bertie: Only if they don't work.

A Touch Of Humor

Dear Abby Humor

Dear Abby: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Have you any suggestions? —M.J.B. in Oakland, Calif.
Dear M.J.B.: Yes. Run for a public office.

A Touch Of Humor

Dear Abby Humor

Dear Abby: About four months ago, the house across the street was sold to a "father and son" — or so we thought. We later learned it was an older man about 50 and a young fellow about 24. This was a respectable neighborhood before this "odd couple" moved in. They have all sorts of strange-looking company. Men who look like women, women who look like men, blacks, whites, Indians. Yesterday I even saw two nuns go in there!... Abby, these weirdos are wrecking our property values! How can we improve the quality of this once-respectable neighborhood? —Up In Arms
Dear UP: You could move. 

A Touch Of Humor

Dear Abby Humor

Dear Abby: My wife sleeps in the raw. Then she showers, brushes her teeth and fixes our breakfast — still in the buff. We're newlyweds and there are just the two of us, so I suppose there's really nothing wrong with it. What do you think? —Ed
Dear Ed: It's O.K. with me. But tell her to put on an apron when she's frying bacon.

A Touch Of Humor

Dear Abby Humor

Dear Abby: Our son married a girl when he was in the service. They were married in February and she had an 8 1/2-pound baby girl in August. She said the baby was premature. Can an 8 1/2-pound baby be this premature? —Wanting to Know
Dear Wanting: The baby was on time. The wedding was late. Forget it.

A Touch Of Humor


One person walks up to another and asks, "What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?"

The other person thinks about it a bit and then says, "I don't know and I don't care."


(This humor was shared with us by John Fortier)




Friday, July 1, 2016

A Touch Of Humor



The ad reads:

This is Lexi, she’s an 8 week-old German Shepard, 
I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she
is allergic to dogs so we are now looking 
to find her a new home.   
She is 39 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, 
doesn't smoke, is a great cook and keeps a good house.


(This humor was shared with us by Ben Haney)

A Touch Of Humor

Because what I have dictated is nothing less than a Constitution for the Colbert Nation. And, like our Founding Fathers, I hold my Truths to be self-evident, which is why I did absolutely no research.

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

“If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, I hope it lands on a philosophy professor.”  

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

“Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to be accountable for every one of our actions, we'd be crippled with indecision. But with religion pointing the way, we can feel confident in our choice to picket our children's elementary school when we find out the art teacher is gay.”  

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

“Yes, helping the poor helps keep them stuck in poverty. As Jesus said, 'Tough love thy neighbor as thyself, get your own loaves and fishes.'

Stephen Colbert  

A Touch Of Humor

“My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot, ... So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.”  

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

“I hold a little fundraiser every day. It's called going to work.”  

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

“In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.”

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

“‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!”

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

“Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.”

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

“NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life,
unfortunately, it won't date them either.”

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

“Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.”

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

“They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.”

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

"Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.”

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

"Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.”

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

“I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.”  

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

“Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state
that makes people want to flee the Earth?"

- Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones,
"The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005”
Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

“Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.”  

Stephen Colbert

A Touch of Humor

I went into McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter asked, "Would you like some fries with that?'
Jay Leno

A Touch Of Humor

“Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.”  

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.”  

Stephen Colbert