A Touch Of Humor

"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."  -- Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

Every time we try to eat healthy, along comes Christmas, Easter, summer, Friday, or Tuesday and ruins it for us.

Author Unknown

Quote from Steven Freier Facebook Page

A Touch Of Humor

"There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can't get fooled again."

—President George W. Bush, Sept. 17, 2002

A Touch Of Humor

Researchers in Virginia announced this week that they have successfully trained rats to drive tiny cars. Said New Yorkers, “great maybe they’ll stop taking the subway.”

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”  
- George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"Ironic, isn't it Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you." - Mr. Burns, The Simpsons

A Touch Of Humor

Senator Bernie Sanders held a 26,000 person rally this weekend in Queens. The crowd was so huge that Bernie almost had to use a microphone.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

"A zebra does not change its spots."

—Al Gore, former U.S. Vice President

A Touch Of Humor

Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

Ann Landers

A Touch Of Humor

"McDonald’s has announced that for the next month in the United Kingdom, Happy Meals will come with a book instead of a toy. And they will be renamed ‘Disappointment Meals.'”

Jimmy Kimmel

A Touch Of Humor

Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

“Since the topic is science, the non scientists don't get a vote. We shouldn't decide everything by polling the masses. This is the fallacy called Argumentum Ad Numerum, the idea that something is true because great number believe it, as in EAT SHIT, twenty trillions flies can't be wrong!” 
― Bill Maher

A Touch Of Humor

A Touch Of Humor

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

"Folks, I can tell you I've known eight presidents, three of them intimately."

—Joe Biden, Aug. 22, 2012

A Touch Of Humor

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.’ 

—Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

A Touch Of Humor

I'm a black, gay woman. I think the only way to make the GOP hate me more is if I sent them a video of me rolling around on a pile of welfare checks.

Wanda Sykes

A Touch Of Humor

"Donald Trump is polling so badly with women that at a rally last night, he had his wife, Melania, introduce him. Because if there's one thing that's guaranteed to get American women on your side, it's a foreign model who's married to a billionaire and never has to work." – Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery,' and ‘Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment." -- George Carlin 

A Touch Of Humor

"It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs." – Jon Stewart

A Touch Of Humor

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Phyllis Diller

A Touch Of Humor

"This doesn't happen in America. Maybe Ohio, but not America," –Homer Simpson, after being thwarted by an electronic voting machine in his attempt to vote for Barack Obama

A Touch Of Humor

And I haven't even brought up religion. But here's one fun fact I'll leave you with: Did you know only about half of Americans are aware that Judaism is an older religion than Christianity? That's right, half of America looks at books called the Old Testament and the New Testament and cannot figure out which came first. 

Bill Maher