Thursday, May 30, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.”– Dylan Thomas

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”

– George Burns

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“All his life he tried to be a good person. Many times, however, he failed.
For after all, he was only human. He wasn't a dog.” 
― Snoopy (Peanuts) 

Monday, May 27, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way I'd visit him every day.

Joan Rivers

Friday, May 24, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring ... 'How to Build a Boat.'

Steven Wright

Thursday, May 23, 2019

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.” 
― Groucho Marx

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
― Calvin and Hobbes.

Monday, May 20, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are - and I will eliminate them.'

Conan O'Brien

Friday, May 17, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possible flipping a coin.

Dave Barry

Thursday, May 16, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Than I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Emo Philips.

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time ... I think I've forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

Chelsea Handler

Monday, May 13, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

Conan O'Brien

Friday, May 10, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

Elayne Boosler

Thursday, May 9, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Steven Wright

Wednesday, May 8, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” 
― Groucho Marx

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

Friday, May 3, 2019

Thursday, May 2, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Y'know you can't please all the people all the time ... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Mitch Hedberg

Wednesday, May 1, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Steven Wright