A Touch Of Humor

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler, Jesus."

A Touch Of Humor

The Simpsons

Marge - Who is calling you so late?

Homer -  Telemarketers. Gotta take it. Those people are so sensitive. 

A Touch Of Humor

According to a new study, eating breakfast before 8:30 AM may lower the risk of developing diabetes. But it doesn’t count if you were out drinking until then.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

New Rule: Someone must tell Hasbro, who just announced they’re dropping the Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head to be more gender neutral, that not having genitals is gender neutral enough.

Bill Maher

A Touch Of Humor

“I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn't believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.”

― Ricky Gervais

A Touch Of Humor

“I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.” 

- George

A Touch of Humor

 “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.”

 – Sophia (Golden Girls)

A Touch Of Humor

It was a year ago today (3-11-21) that we had our last show with a full-audience. Six days later I did the show from home. And six days after that both my kids had agents.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

 “That’s perfect — Brian being a seismologist, and you having so many faults.”

FRASIER (KELSEY GRAMMER), MEETING LILITH’S (BEBE NEUWIRTH) BOYFRIEND, ON 'FRASIER' (NBC, 1994)

A Touch Of Humor

 “I’m the cool dad. That’s my thang. I’m hip. I surf the Web. I text. LOL: Laugh Out Loud. OMG: Oh My God. WTF: Why the Face?”

PHIL DUNPHY (TY BURRELL) ON MODERN FAMILY (ABC, 2009)

A Touch Of Humor

So many people these days are too judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.

Author Unknown 

A Touch Of Humor

“You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up! I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’”

JERRY (JERRY SEINFELD), TO GEORGE (JASON ALEXANDER), ON 'SEINFELD' (NBC, 1993)

A Touch Of Humor

 “If 20 people said they liked me, I’m telling you, I would be thinking 17 of them are lying, two of them have severe emotional problems, and one of them’s probably confusing me with Larry King.”

LARRY SANDERS (GARRY SHANDLING) ON THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW (HBO, 1992)

A Touch Of Humor

  “If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.”

—Claire Foster (Tina Fey), Date Night

A Touch Of Humor

  Stan Fields: “Describe your perfect date.”

Cheryl: “That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.”

—Stan Fields (William Shatner) and Cheryl Frasier (Heather Burns), Miss Congeniality

A Touch Of Humor

  “There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.”

—Elise (Goldie Hawn), The First Wives Club

A Touch Of Humor

  “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”

—Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear

A Touch Of Humor

 “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

– Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

 “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”

—Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

Funny Wrong Predictions

"The telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication."

William Orton, president of Western Union, in 1876, when Alexander Graham Bell tried to sell the company his invention.

A Touch Of Humor

Well here’s some good news: This year the Girl Scouts are teaming up with GrubHub for contactless cookie delivery. And in a related story, 8-year-old Anna Washington just passed Elon Musk to become the richest person in the world. 

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.”

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

You gotta think positive, you gotta think outside the box. For example, I celebrate Halloween in August. Cause when you show up at someone's house at night wearing a mask in August, you get better stuff.

Karen Rontowski