Tuesday, April 30, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Dave Barry

Monday, April 29, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those that don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Ann Landers

Friday, April 26, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“How is it possible to have a civil war?” – George Carlin

Thursday, April 25, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

Erma Bombeck

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

Dave Barry

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.” 
― Groucho Marx

Monday, April 22, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg.

Friday, April 19, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” 
― Elayne Boosler

Thursday, April 18, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.” 
― Billy Crystal, Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I was an ugly kid too. My old man took me to the zoo. The guy at the gate thanked him for returning me.

Rodney Dangerfield

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Think about it... 
The Republicans have gone from Abraham Lincoln to Sarah Palin to Donald Trump. 
No wonder they don't believe in evolution.” 
― Andy Borowitz

Monday, April 15, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

Friday, April 12, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I saw that one of Albert Einstein’s notes about his theory for a happy life sold at auction for $1.5 million. $1.5 million! It got awkward when the buyer read the note and it said, “Money can’t buy happiness.”

Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, April 11, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” 
― Andy Rooney

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes "Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen."

Emo Philips

Tuesday, April 9, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. — George Bernard Shaw

Monday, April 8, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

I was a very ugly kid. Every time my old man wanted sex, my mother showed him my picture.

Rodney Dangerfield

Friday, April 5, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?” 
― Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

Andy Borowitz

Thursday, April 4, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[In Brunei, The Sultan has threatened to punish gays and adulterers with penalties as stiff as stoning them to death. The Sultan also controls fancy hotels such as The Beverly Hills Hotel that charge as much as $5,000 a night. George Clooney wants guests to boycott those hotels. Trevor Noah had this take on it]

"Like darn George. We're in, we're in. Count me in. People are going to be like, 'Honey, I was going to book The Beverly Hills Hotel but George Clooney said we should stay at The Embassy Suites [far less costly]. That's what we're doing. The Embassy Suites.' "

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

[Each step President Trump takes to try to stop immigrants, from soldiers on the border, to cutting off aid, to threatening to shut the border is bringing more immigrant migration. Trevor Noah put it this way:]

"It is like when my apartment had a mouse problem. I thought I could fix it by bringing in a bunch of stray cats. Right. But then I had a cat problem so I had to get a bunch of coyotes. Long story short, now I run a giraffe fighting ring."

[The President's Plan] "It doesn't work."

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

“Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.”

Charlie Brown (“Peanuts” character) 

Monday, April 1, 2019

A Touch Of Humor

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.

Billy Crystal