Monday, August 29, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

“Books are useless! I only ever read one book, To Kill A Mockingbird, and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds!

Homer Simpson (Matt Groening, "Simpsons" Co-Creator)  

A Touch Of Humor

“Painted on shirts went over so well I thought, why not painted on pants? Well, the big shot manager at Krusty Burger didn't agree!”

Homer Simpson (Matt Groening, "Simpsons" Co-Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

“I'd be vegetarian if bacon grew on trees”  

Matt Groening ("Simpsons" Co-Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

“But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.”

Homer Simpson (Matt Groening, "Simpsons" Co-Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

“America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!”

Matt Groening ("Simpsons" Co-Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

“I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman."

Homer Simpson (Matt Groening, "Simpsons" Co-Creator)  

A Touch Of Humor

“This doesn't happen in America! Maybe Ohio, but not in America!"

Homer Simpson (Matt Groening, "Simpsons" Co-Creator) 

A Touch Of Humor

“I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. ”  

Matt Groening ("Simpsons" Co-Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

“I promise I'll do anything for you, especially if it's easy."

Homer Simpson (Matt Groening, "Simpsons Co-Creator) 

A Touch Of Humor

“You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on."

Homer Simpson (Matt Groening, "Simpsons" Co-Creator)  

A Touch Of Humor

“Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.”  

Matt Groening ("Simpsons" Co-Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

“I didn't lie, I was writing fiction with my mouth."

Homer Simpson (Matt Groening, "Simpsons" Co-Creator)  

A Touch Of Humor

“Of course I’ve gone mad with power! Have you ever tried going mad without power? It’s boring and no one listens to you!"

Russ Cargill (A "Simpsons" character) (Matt Groening, "Simpsons" Co-Creator) 

A Touch Of Humor

“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.'

Homer Simpson (Matt Groening, "Simpsons" Co-Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

“To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.”  

Homer Simpson (Matt Groening, "Simpsons Co-Creator)

Sunday, August 28, 2016

A Touch of Humor

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."
The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

                                                         Jay Leno

Saturday, August 27, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

"Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits."

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

Thomas Edison

A Touch Of Humor

"Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest."

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers."

Matt Groening ("Simpsons" co-creator)

Friday, August 26, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                                                         

Thursday, August 25, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"If America leads such a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?"

Jon Stewart

A Touch Of Humor

"Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference."

Mark Twain.

A Touch Of Humor

"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."

Al McGuire

A Touch Of Humor

"If you want your children to listen, try talking softly -- to someone else."

Ann Landers

A Touch Of Humor

"We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience."

George Bernard Shaw

A Touch Of Humor

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too."

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

"Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”

Will Rogers

A Touch Of Humor

“When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.”

Will Rogers

A Touch Of Humor

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”

Will Rogers

A Touch Of Humor

"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip."

Will Rogers

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

A Tooch Of Humor

“Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people that they don't like.” 

Will Rogers

Thursday, August 18, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                                                  Gary Larson

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking."

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

"You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa."

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

"Your modern young people do not view their elders as sources of wisdom. Our generation certainly didn't. We got all our wisdom from songs written by currently deceased rock stars who bloodstreams contained the annual narcotics outputs of entire Third World nations."

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

"Our old grill rusted out. It was your basic model, the kind where you put your charcoal in, you lit it, you noticed about an hour later that the charcoal had gone out, and you ordered a pizza. It gave us many years of good service."

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

"The way this (The Stock Market) works is: You find yourself a reputable stockbroker (defined as 'a stockbroker who has not been indicted yet'), and you give him some money."

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

"Nothing productive has ever happened in a meeting. If Noah had formed an Ark Construction Task Force, it would still be arguing over the ideal number of cubits.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

"I am definitely in favor of raising the minimum driving age. In fact, I think it should be raised every year, to keep my son from ever reaching it. I think that when my son is 58 years old and comes to visit me in the Old Persons' Home, he should arrive via skateboard."

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

"Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income."

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

"The best angle for looking through bifocals is when you lean way back and look through the lens bottoms, thus affording the public a spectacular panoramic view of your nasal passages."

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

"Great strides are being made in this exciting field (cosmetic surgery) as the medical community becomes increasingly aware of the benefits, both psychological and physical, of getting rich."

Dave Barry

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

A Touch of Humor

Google Image

A Touch of Humor

                                                                                      Gary Larson

Sunday, August 14, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                                           Bizarro.com

Saturday, August 13, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"I didn't realize how good I was with computers until I met my parents."

Mike Birbiglia

A Touch Of Humor

"What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math."

Mike Birbiglia

A Touch Of Humor

"Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you."

Mike Birbiglia

A Touch Of Humor

"The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial."

Mike Birbiglia

Friday, August 12, 2016

A Touch of Humor

I've only made one grammatical error in my life and I seen it when I done it and I taken it back.

Tom Brown

                                                                                            

A Touch of Humor


A Touch Of Humor

“Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65,” read the newspaper obit. “The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40, and 10:50.”

Merrill Markoe

A Touch Of Humor

"I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon."

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age."

Robert Frost

A Touch Of Humor

"The meal is not over when I’m full. The meal is over when I hate myself."

Louis C.K.

A Touch Of Humor

When people go through something rough in life, they say, “I’m taking it one day at a time.” Yes, so is everybody. Because that’s how time works.

Hannibal Buress

A Touch Of Humor

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."

George Burns

A Touch Of Humor

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.”

She said, “We can’t do that!” I told her, “You did it last week!”

Jack Benny

A Touch Of Humor

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade … And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

Ron White

A Touch Of Humor

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn’t met me yet."

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

You can measure distance by time. “How far away is it?” “Oh, about 20 minutes.” But it doesn’t work the other way. “When do you get off work?” “Around three miles.”

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

The doctor says to the patient, “Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window.”

"What will that do?” asks the patient.

The doctor says, “I’m mad at my neighbor!”

Jack Benny

A Touch Of Humor

"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it."

Jackie Gleason

A Touch Of Humor

"If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three years longer, but it’s just three more years that you’ll want a doughnut."

Lewis Black

A Touch Of Humor

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it."

Sam Levenson

A Touch Of Humor

"If a woman has to choose between catching a baseball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on the base."

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

"Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

Rita Rudner

A Touch Of Humor

"Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend."

Zenna Schaffer

A Touch Of Humor

"This is a strange country to live in. When it comes to electing a president, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50."

Jay Leno

A Touch Of Humor

"Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars … If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn’t have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars."

Louis C.K.

A Touch Of Humor

I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80 percent of the people in New York are minorities…Shouldn’t you not call them minorities when they get to be 80 percent of the population? That’s a very white attitude, don’t you think? I mean, you could take a white guy to Africa and he’d be like, “Look at all the minorities around here! I’m the only majority.”

Louis C.K.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December."

Louis C.K.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                                                                   Google Images

A Touch of Humor

                                                        Let's start the day with a smile.
                                                                                   Google Images

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air."

Jack Benny

A Touch Of Humor

"I haven't slept for ten day, because that would be too long."

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

"I think I am, therefore, I am, I think."

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

Mitch Hedberg

A Touch Of Humor

"If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets."

Mel Brooks

A Touch Of Humor

"If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it."

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

"The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city's students in grades three through eight passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they're too bad at math to realize how bad that is."

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

"It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living."

Comedian John McDowell

Monday, August 8, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

THE JEWISH ELBOW (Courtesy of Ben Haney)
> A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.


>     "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

>     "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

>    "What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

Sunday, August 7, 2016

A Touch of Humor

I wonder if reincarnation is real or just some goofy idea I picked up in a former lifetime.

                                                          Tom Brown
                                                                           

A Touch Of Humor


User: the word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."

Dave Barry

Saturday, August 6, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                                                       Google Images

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck. Or at least give you better luck than the guy behind you."

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time," so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

"I don't want to say we eat out a lot, but I've noticed that lately when I call my kids for dinner, they run to the car."

Julie Kidd

A Touch Of Humor

"Being president is like running a cemetery: You've got a lot of people under you, and nobody's listening."

Bill Clinton

A Touch Of Humor

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"

Abraham Lincoln

A Touch Of Humor

"If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month."

Theodore Roosevelt

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

A Touch of Humor

                                                                      Jack Handey

A Touch Of Humor

"Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?"

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

Why does moisture destroy leather? When it's raining, cows don't go up to the farmhouse yelling, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

"My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum..."

Elayne Boosler

A Touch Of Humor

"I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers."

Rodney Dangerfield

Monday, August 1, 2016

A Touch Of Humor

"It's been raining so much in Los Angeles that the Chia Pet I threw away in the garbage is now blocking my entire driveway."

Jay Leno

A Touch Of Humor

"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."

Mark Twain  

A Touch of Humor

                                          Law Enforcement                     Source Unknown

A Touch of Humor

                                                                   Faith Williamson