Friday, September 30, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”

—Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus


Thursday, September 29, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”

—Jerry Seinfeld

Wednesday, September 28, 2022

A Touch of Humor

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”

—Mark Twain

Tuesday, September 27, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”

—David Letterman

Monday, September 26, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

- Steven Wright

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/steven-wright-quotes

Friday, September 23, 2022

A Touch of Humor

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. 

Steven Wright


Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/steven-wright-quotes

Thursday, September 22, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

 Bob Hope

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/bob-hope-quotes

Wednesday, September 21, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. 

W. C. Fields

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes

Tuesday, September 20, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 

Andy Rooney

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/andy-rooney-quotes

Monday, September 19, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.

 Fran Lebowitz

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/fran-lebowitz-quotes

Friday, September 16, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “have i gone mad?

I'm afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usually are.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Thursday, September 15, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

― Groucho Marx

Wednesday, September 14, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.”

― Mae West

Tuesday, September 13, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.”

― Steve Martin

Monday, September 12, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”

― Dr. Seuss

Friday, September 9, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

― Groucho Marx

Thursday, September 8, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”   

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”   

Doctor: “Every two hours.”


Wednesday, September 7, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Two prison guards are changing shifts in the morning, “You know that prisoner 885 ran off in the night?” 

The other guard sighs, “Ah finally. No more of that dang hammering.”



A Touch of Humor

 Waiter, there’s a fly twitching in my soup!”

 “And what do you expect for the price? A ballet?!”



Tuesday, September 6, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” 

— Edgar Bergen

Monday, September 5, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

 Will Rogers

Friday, September 2, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 One Sunday, a minister played hooky from church so he could shoot a round of golf. St. Peter, looking down from Heaven, seethed. “You’re going to let him get away with this, God?”

The Lord shook his head.

The minister took his first shot. The ball soared through the air 420 yards and dropped into the cup for a hole in one. St. Peter was outraged. “I thought you were going to punish him!”

The Lord shrugged. “Who’s he going to tell?”

Thursday, September 1, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“Dad, this is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste my money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”

I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him.

—Adam Joshua Smargon

Tuesday, August 30, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Two hikers were walking through the woods when they suddenly confronted a giant bear. Immediately, one of the men took off his boots, pulled out a pair of track shoes, and began putting them on.

“What are you doing?” cried his companion. “We can’t outrun that bear, even with jogging shoes.”

“Who cares about the bear?” the first hiker replied. “All I have to worry about is outrunning you.”

—Jim Whitehead, The Daily Herald

Monday, August 29, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“O, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

—Maria Salmon

Friday, August 26, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. 

Rodney Dangerfield

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/rodney-dangerfield-quotes

Thursday, August 25, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. 

Mitch Hedberg

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/mitch-hedberg-quotes

Wednesday, August 24, 2022

A Touch of Humor

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. 

Henny Youngman


Tuesday, August 23, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Steven Wright

Monday, August 22, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  "Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

George Carlin

Friday, August 19, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

Thursday, August 18, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.

I told them, “Just you wait!”

Wednesday, August 17, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is…

Wait, where are we again?

Tuesday, August 16, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

Monday, August 15, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

Friday, August 12, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

Thursday, August 11, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

Wednesday, August 10, 2022

A Touch of Humor

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

Tuesday, August 9, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Why do dogs make terrible dance partners?

– They’ve got two left feet!

Monday, August 8, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Steve Martin

Friday, August 5, 2022

Thursday, August 4, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-52s ruined that for me.”

—Meme attributed to Shaquille O’Neal

Wednesday, August 3, 2022

A Touch of Humor

“If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.”

—Claire Foster (Tina Fey), Date Night

Tuesday, August 2, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.”

—Maria Bamford

Monday, August 1, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “Trying is the first step toward failure.”

—Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Friday, July 29, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. 

Oscar Levant

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes_2

Thursday, July 28, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

 Johnny Carson

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes

Wednesday, July 27, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

 Mark Twain

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes

Tuesday, July 26, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

Steven Wright

Monday, July 25, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

Friday, July 22, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!”

― Bill Watterson

Thursday, July 21, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”

― Robert Benchley

Wednesday, July 20, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”

― Jerry Seinfeld

Tuesday, July 19, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”

― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish

Monday, July 18, 2022

Friday, July 15, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “I think I've discovered the secret of life -- you just hang around until you get used to it.”

― Charles Schultz

Thursday, July 14, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

― Steven Wright

Wednesday, July 13, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!”

― Dr. Seuss

Tuesday, July 12, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.”

― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

Monday, July 11, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

― Mae West

Friday, July 8, 2022

A Touch of Humor

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Andy Borowitz

Thursday, July 7, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

Bill Hicks

Wednesday, July 6, 2022

A Touch of Humor

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.

Peter Cook

Tuesday, July 5, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

Sam Levenson

Monday, July 4, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Groucho Marx

Friday, July 1, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena.

Jon Stewart

Thursday, June 30, 2022

A Touch of Humor

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers

Wednesday, June 29, 2022

Tuesday, June 28, 2022

A Touch of Humor

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

Dalai Lama

Monday, June 27, 2022

Friday, June 24, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

Sid Caesar

Thursday, June 23, 2022

A Touch of Humor

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Milton Berle

Wednesday, June 22, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

Jon Stewart

Tuesday, June 21, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.

Margaret Culkin Banning

Monday, June 20, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. 

Rodney Dangerfield

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/rodney-dangerfield-quotes

Friday, June 17, 2022

A Touch of Humor

The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization. 

Sigmund Freud

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/sigmund-freud-quotes

Thursday, June 16, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. 

Rodney Dangerfield

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/rodney-dangerfield-quotes

Wednesday, June 15, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I think everybody's nuts.

 Johnny Depp

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/johnny-depp-quotes

Tuesday, June 14, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. 

Jerry Seinfeld

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/jerry-seinfeld-quotes

Monday, June 13, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Don't ever forget two things I'm going to tell you. One, don't believe everything that's written about you. Two, don't pick up too many checks.

 Babe Ruth

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/babe-ruth-quotes

Friday, June 10, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?”

—Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris), The House Bunny

Thursday, June 9, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”

—Bob Hope

Wednesday, June 8, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”

—Anonymous

Tuesday, June 7, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”

—Betty White

Monday, June 6, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”

—Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant), Arsenic and Old Lace

Friday, June 3, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  Lucy: “There’s just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.”

Fred: “Your feet?”

—Lucy (Lucille Ball) and Fred Mertz (William Frawley), I Love Lucy

Thursday, June 2, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”

—Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear

Wednesday, June 1, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”

—Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus

Tuesday, May 31, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”

—Anonymous

Monday, May 30, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”

—Erma Bombeck

Friday, May 27, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.”

― Stephen King, Storm of the Century

Thursday, May 26, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”

― Jerome K. Jerome

Wednesday, May 25, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “Never memorize something that you can look up.”

― Albert Einstein

Tuesday, May 24, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.”

― Terry Pratchett, Jingo

Monday, May 23, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”

― Robert A. Heinlein

Friday, May 20, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. 

- Fran Lebowitz

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/fran-lebowitz-quotes

Thursday, May 19, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments. 

- Jay Leno

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/jay-leno-quotes

Wednesday, May 18, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

 Jerry Seinfeld

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/jerry-seinfeld-quotes

Tuesday, May 17, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. 

Steven Wright

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/steven-wright-quotes_3

Monday, May 16, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

 Mitch Hedberg

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/mitch-hedberg-quotes

Friday, May 13, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

George Carlin

Thursday, May 12, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres

Wednesday, May 11, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

David Letterman

Tuesday, May 10, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett 

Monday, May 9, 2022

A Touch of Humor

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

Tom Lehrer

Friday, May 6, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' 

-Charles M. Schulz

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/charles-m-schulz-quotes

Thursday, May 5, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 When I'm not longer rapping, I want to open up an ice cream parlor and call myself Scoop Dogg. 

- Snoop Dogg

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/snoop-dogg-quotes

Wednesday, May 4, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. 

- Henny Youngman

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/henny-youngman-quotes

Tuesday, May 3, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”

—Oscar Wilde

Monday, May 2, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.”

—Anonymous

Friday, April 29, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

Marty Allen

Thursday, April 28, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Any pizza can be a personal pizza if you have the right attitude.

Mark Withers

Wednesday, April 27, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

Robert Frost

Tuesday, April 26, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Groucho Marx

Monday, April 25, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

Billy Sunday

Friday, April 22, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thursday, April 21, 2022

A Touch of Humor

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.

Gertrude Stein

Wednesday, April 20, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Bill Waterson

Tuesday, April 19, 2022

Monday, April 18, 2022

A Touch of Humor

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

Don Marquis

Friday, April 15, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. 

Albert Einstein

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes_5

Thursday, April 14, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

 Richard Lewis

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes_4

Wednesday, April 13, 2022

Tuesday, April 12, 2022

A Touch of Humor

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. 

George Carlin

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/george-carlin-quotes

Monday, April 11, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' 

Mitch Hedberg

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/mitch-hedberg-quotes

Friday, April 8, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 "Badges? We ain't got no badges! We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinking badges!"

THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE, Warner Bros., 1948



Thursday, April 7, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 "Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"

- Peter Graves, Airplane! (1980)



Wednesday, April 6, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  "You can't fool me! There ain't no sanity clause!"

- Chico Marx, A Night at the Opera (1935)



Tuesday, April 5, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

 George Carlin

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/george-carlin-quotes

Monday, April 4, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

 Mitch Hedberg

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/mitch-hedberg-quotes

Friday, April 1, 2022

A Touch of Humor

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

Sam Levenson

Thursday, March 31, 2022

Wednesday, March 30, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’

Conan O’Brien

Tuesday, March 29, 2022

Monday, March 28, 2022

A Touch of Humor

When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

Richard Lewis

Friday, March 25, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I think everything must go back to the fact that I had a very anxious childhood. You know, my mother never had time for me. You know, when you’re the middle child in a family of five million, you don’t get any attention. I mean, how is it possible? 

Antz

Wednesday, March 23, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Seuss inspired me to try cauliflower!

 Jim Carrey

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/jim-carrey-quotes

Tuesday, March 22, 2022

Monday, March 21, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. 

Rodney Dangerfield

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/rodney-dangerfield-quotes

Friday, March 18, 2022

A Touch of Humor

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." 

—Jerry Seinfeld

Thursday, March 17, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 ."The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."

—Shirley MacLaine

Wednesday, March 16, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  "I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not blonde."

—Dolly Parton

Tuesday, March 15, 2022

A Touch of Humor

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

Monday, March 14, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 - "He did a great job on that suit. You don't realize how good you look. Do you like it?"

- "It's not K-Mart."

- "How could you not like that suit? You look fantastic, Ray? How can you not like that suit?"

- "It's not a K-Mart suit."

- "Let me let you in on a little secret, Ray. K-Mart sucks. OK?"

- "Yeah."

Rain Man (1988)

Friday, March 11, 2022

A Touch Of Humor

 “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

—Joan Rivers

Thursday, March 10, 2022

A Touch Of Humor

 “When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.'”

Yogi Berra

Wednesday, March 9, 2022

A Touch Of Humor

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.” 

—Rita Mae Brown

Tuesday, March 8, 2022

A Touch Of Humor

. “If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” 

—Aldo Cammarota

Monday, March 7, 2022

A Touch Of Humor

“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.”

 —Socrates

Friday, March 4, 2022

A Touch Of Humor

“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.”

—Dowager Countess Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith), Downton Abbey

Thursday, March 3, 2022

A Touch Of Humor

 "So we finish 18 and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, 'Hey, Lama! Hey! How about a little somethin', you know, for the effort, you know.' And he says, 'Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."

Caddyshack (1980)

Wednesday, March 2, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 "Yup. I said it before and I'll say it again. Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

Tuesday, March 1, 2022

A Touch Of Humor

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”

—Groucho Marx

Monday, February 28, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 - "Can you fly this plane and land it?"

- "Surely you can't be serious."

- "I am serious. And don't call me Shirley."

Airplane! (1980)

Friday, February 25, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. Then, I started meeting girls and I’m like ‘You know, maybe I shouldn’t be a Priest.’

 Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, February 24, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, ‘Dude, Where’s My Spaceship.’ 

Zach Galifianakis

Wednesday, February 23, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. 

Rodney Dangerfield

Monday, February 21, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.

 -Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. 

Bill Murray

Thursday, February 17, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. 

Steven Wright

Wednesday, February 16, 2022

A Touch of Humor

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

 Jay Leno

Tuesday, February 15, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Author unknown

Monday, February 14, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Francois: “Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?”

Clouseau: “The exploding kind.”

—Francois (André Maranne) and Inspector Clouseau (Peter Sellers), The Pink Panther Strikes Again

Friday, February 11, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat. So people who don’t know what they’re doing, or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self.”

—Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), You’ve Got Mail

Thursday, February 10, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”

—Harry (Billy Crystal), When Harry Met Sally

Wednesday, February 9, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”

—Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory

Tuesday, February 8, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”

—Neil DeGrasse Tyson

Monday, February 7, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring:

 ‘How to Build a Boat.’”

—Steven Wright

Friday, February 4, 2022

A Touch of Wisdom

 I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.

 Lenny Bruce

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/lenny-bruce-quotes

Thursday, February 3, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. 

Fran Lebowitz

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/fran-lebowitz-quotes

Wednesday, February 2, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

 Jerry Seinfeld

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/jerry-seinfeld-quotes

Tuesday, February 1, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.

Larry David

Monday, January 31, 2022

A Touch Of Humor

And if you are in an area that is getting slammed by snow, just remember, there are kids in Miami who never get any snow. So do a good deed and mail some of it to them.

Trevor Noah

Friday, January 28, 2022

Thursday, January 27, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

 George Carlin

https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/george-carlin-quotes

Wednesday, January 26, 2022

Tuesday, January 25, 2022

Monday, January 24, 2022

Friday, January 21, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 

Fred Allen

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes

Thursday, January 20, 2022

A Touch of Humor

My report card always said, 'Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students'. 

Jim Carrey

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/jim-carrey-quotes

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

Carl Sagan

Tuesday, January 18, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

Charles Schulz

Monday, January 17, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’

Conan O’Brien

Friday, January 14, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

Charles M. Schulz

Thursday, January 13, 2022

A Touch Of Humor

 My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

Caroline Rhea

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

A Touch Of Humor

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

Arthur C. Clarke

Tuesday, January 11, 2022

A Touch Of Humor

 The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Albert Einstein

Monday, January 10, 2022

A Touch Of Humor

 I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

Mitch Hedberg

Friday, January 7, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Paul R. Ehrlich

Thursday, January 6, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

George Carlin

Wednesday, January 5, 2022

A Touch Of Humor

 We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

A Touch Of Humor

 As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

Norm Crosby

Monday, January 3, 2022

A Touch Of Humor

 It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Navjot Singh Sidhu