"When I asked my personal trainer at the gym which machine I should use to impress beautiful women he pointed outside and said the ATM machine."
"Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn't allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can't cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing. ... I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and slip slowly into madness."
—Jim Carrey as the Grinch in How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)
As Mike Tyson says, everybody has a plan until they get hit in the mouth. The one thing we know about American presidential politics is you're going to get hit in the mouth.
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/james-carville-quotes
One Sunday, a minister played hooky from church so he could shoot a round of golf. St. Peter, looking down from Heaven, seethed. “You’re going to let him get away with this, God?”
The Lord shook his head.
The minister took his first shot. The ball soared through the air 420 yards and dropped into the cup for a hole in one. St. Peter was outraged. “I thought you were going to punish him!”
The Lord shrugged. “Who’s he going to tell?”
I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
“Dad, this is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste my money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”
I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him.
—Adam Joshua Smargon
Two hikers were walking through the woods when they suddenly confronted a giant bear. Immediately, one of the men took off his boots, pulled out a pair of track shoes, and began putting them on.
“What are you doing?” cried his companion. “We can’t outrun that bear, even with jogging shoes.”
“Who cares about the bear?” the first hiker replied. “All I have to worry about is outrunning you.”
—Jim Whitehead, The Daily Herald
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.
Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“O, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Rodney DangerfieldRead more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/rodney-dangerfield-quotes
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/jerry-seinfeld-quotes
“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.”― Stephen King,
Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
- Jay LenoRead more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/jay-leno-quotes
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/mitch-hedberg-quotes
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
- Henny YoungmanRead more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/henny-youngman-quotes
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch HedbergRead more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/mitch-hedberg-quotes
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George CarlinRead more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/george-carlin-quotes
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I think everything must go back to the fact that I had a very anxious childhood. You know, my mother never had time for me. You know, when you’re the middle child in a family of five million, you don’t get any attention. I mean, how is it possible?
Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Seuss inspired me to try cauliflower!
Jim CarreyRead more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/jim-carrey-quotes
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
- "He did a great job on that suit. You don't realize how good you look. Do you like it?"
- "It's not K-Mart."- "How could you not like that suit? You look fantastic, Ray? How can you not like that suit?"
"So we finish 18 and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, 'Hey, Lama! Hey! How about a little somethin', you know, for the effort, you know.' And he says, 'Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."
“The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat. So people who don’t know what they’re doing, or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self.”
—Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), You’ve Got Mail
“What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”
—Harry (Billy Crystal), When Harry Met Sally