Friday, December 30, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  "When I asked my personal trainer at the gym which machine I should use to impress beautiful women he pointed outside and said the ATM machine."

-Trevor Noah

Thursday, December 29, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  "We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed."

-Chris Rock

Wednesday, December 28, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  "In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."

-Ellen Degeneres.

Tuesday, December 27, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 "If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.'"

-Demetri Martin

Monday, December 26, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 "I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

-George Carlin

Friday, December 23, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  "We need a little less forever 21 and a little more suddenly 42."

-Amy Poehler

Thursday, December 22, 2022

Wednesday, December 21, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  "They call it softball, makes it sound like it's harmless, you know. You ever take a line shot to the face with a softball?"

-Brian Regan

Tuesday, December 20, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  "My report card always said, 'Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students.'"

-Jim Carrey

Monday, December 19, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  "I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

-Mitch Hedberg

Friday, December 16, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “My father would womanize. He would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark.” 

—Mike Myers as Dr. Evil in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)

Thursday, December 15, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  "According to the map, we've only gone 4 inches."

 —Jeff Daniels as Harry Dunne in Dumb and Dumber (1994)

Wednesday, December 14, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 "Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn't allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can't cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing. ... I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and slip slowly into madness." 

—Jim Carrey as the Grinch in How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

Tuesday, December 13, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 "If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer." 

—Jim Carrey as Ace Ventura in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

Monday, December 12, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  "'Greater good?' I am your wife! I'm the greatest good you're ever gonna get!"

 —Kimberly Adair Clark as Honey Best in The Incredibles (2004)

Friday, December 9, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

 George Carlin


Thursday, December 8, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 Only the mediocre are always at their best. 

Jean Giraudoux


Wednesday, December 7, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 As Mike Tyson says, everybody has a plan until they get hit in the mouth. The one thing we know about American presidential politics is you're going to get hit in the mouth. 

James Carville


Tuesday, December 6, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. 

Henny Youngman


Monday, December 5, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 What's another word for Thesaurus? 

Steven Wright


Friday, December 2, 2022

A Touch of Humor

 “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”

—Neil DeGrasse Tyson

Thursday, December 1, 2022

A Touch of Humor

  “From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”

—Jarod Kintz