A Touch of Humor

  "When I asked my personal trainer at the gym which machine I should use to impress beautiful women he pointed outside and said the ATM machine."

-Trevor Noah

A Touch of Humor

  "We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed."

-Chris Rock

A Touch of Humor

  "In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."

-Ellen Degeneres.

A Touch of Humor

 "If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.'"

-Demetri Martin

A Touch of Humor

 "I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

-George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

  "We need a little less forever 21 and a little more suddenly 42."

-Amy Poehler

A Touch of Humor

  "Comedy is acting out optimism."

-Robin Williams

A Touch of Humor

  "They call it softball, makes it sound like it's harmless, you know. You ever take a line shot to the face with a softball?"

-Brian Regan

A Touch of Humor

  "My report card always said, 'Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students.'"

-Jim Carrey

A Touch of Humor

  "I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

-Mitch Hedberg

A Touch of Humor

 “My father would womanize. He would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark.” 

—Mike Myers as Dr. Evil in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)

A Touch of Humor

  "According to the map, we've only gone 4 inches."

 —Jeff Daniels as Harry Dunne in Dumb and Dumber (1994)

A Touch of Humor

 "Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn't allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can't cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing. ... I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and slip slowly into madness." 

—Jim Carrey as the Grinch in How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

A Touch of Humor

 "If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer." 

—Jim Carrey as Ace Ventura in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

A Touch of Humor

  "'Greater good?' I am your wife! I'm the greatest good you're ever gonna get!"

 —Kimberly Adair Clark as Honey Best in The Incredibles (2004)

A Touch of Humor

 There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

 George Carlin

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A Touch of Humor

 Only the mediocre are always at their best. 

Jean Giraudoux

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotes

A Touch of Humor

 As Mike Tyson says, everybody has a plan until they get hit in the mouth. The one thing we know about American presidential politics is you're going to get hit in the mouth. 

James Carville

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/james-carville-quotes

A Touch of Humor

 When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. 

Henny Youngman

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/henny-youngman-quotes

A Touch of Humor

 What's another word for Thesaurus? 

Steven Wright

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/steven-wright-quotes

A Touch of Humor

 “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”

—Neil DeGrasse Tyson

A Touch of Humor

  “From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”

—Jarod Kintz