“There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”
—Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus
Friday, September 30, 2022
Thursday, September 29, 2022
A Touch of Humor
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
—Jerry Seinfeld
Wednesday, September 28, 2022
A Touch of Humor
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
—Mark Twain
Tuesday, September 27, 2022
A Touch of Humor
“Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”
—David Letterman
Monday, September 26, 2022
A Touch of Humor
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- Steven Wright
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/steven-wright-quotesFriday, September 23, 2022
A Touch of Humor
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Steven Wright
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/steven-wright-quotes
Thursday, September 22, 2022
A Touch of Humor
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/bob-hope-quotesWednesday, September 21, 2022
A Touch of Humor
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/funny-quotesTuesday, September 20, 2022
A Touch of Humor
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Andy Rooney
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/andy-rooney-quotesMonday, September 19, 2022
A Touch of Humor
Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.
Fran Lebowitz
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/fran-lebowitz-quotesFriday, September 16, 2022
A Touch of Humor
“have i gone mad?
I'm afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usually are.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
Thursday, September 15, 2022
A Touch of Humor
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”
― Groucho Marx
Wednesday, September 14, 2022
Tuesday, September 13, 2022
Monday, September 12, 2022
Friday, September 9, 2022
A Touch of Humor
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
― Groucho Marx
Thursday, September 8, 2022
A Touch of Humor
Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”
Wednesday, September 7, 2022
A Touch of Humor
Two prison guards are changing shifts in the morning, “You know that prisoner 885 ran off in the night?”
The other guard sighs, “Ah finally. No more of that dang hammering.”
A Touch of Humor
Waiter, there’s a fly twitching in my soup!”
“And what do you expect for the price? A ballet?!”
Tuesday, September 6, 2022
Monday, September 5, 2022
A Touch of Humor
“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”
—Will Rogers
Friday, September 2, 2022
A Touch of Humor
One Sunday, a minister played hooky from church so he could shoot a round of golf. St. Peter, looking down from Heaven, seethed. “You’re going to let him get away with this, God?”
The Lord shook his head.
The minister took his first shot. The ball soared through the air 420 yards and dropped into the cup for a hole in one. St. Peter was outraged. “I thought you were going to punish him!”
The Lord shrugged. “Who’s he going to tell?”
Thursday, September 1, 2022
A Touch of Humor
I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
“Dad, this is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste my money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”
I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him.
—Adam Joshua Smargon
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