A Touch of Humor

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

 Jay Leno

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A Touch of Humor

 I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche and then applies an antibiotic cream. You gotta keep it away from your eyes.

 Stephen Colbert

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A Touch of Humor

 I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. 

Johnny Carson

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A Touch of Humor

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch of Humor

 I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

 Henny Youngman

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A Touch of Humor

 I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. 

Steven Wright

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A Touch of Humor

 If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

Robin Williams

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A Touch Of Humor

I'm a huge film star, but you have to hurry to the movies because I usually die in the first 15 f***ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f***ing Muppet Movie.

Billy Connolly

A Touch Of Humor

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires.

Dear Abby (Advice Columnist)

A Touch of Humor

 Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical. 

Yogi Berra

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A Touch of Humor

 I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Rodney Dangerfield

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A Touch of Humor

 Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.

Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

 The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

unijokes.com

A Touch Of Humor

America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody’s gonna be disappointed. Somebody’s wasting their fucking time. Could it be everyone?"  

-- George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”

— Zach Galifianakis, 

A Touch Of Humor

“The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy. That’s why the wedding vow isn't ‘do you take Bill Simpson?’; it’s ‘Do you take this man?’”

— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Opera

A Touch Of Humor

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

— Demetri Martin, Demetri Martin Jokes | Comedy Central Stand-Up | Demetri Martin: 

A Touch Of Humor

 I like the theory that chocolate slows down the aging process...It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance?

Tom Brown

A Touch Of Humor

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

"All right. What can I get you guys?"

- "Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?"

- "I'll ask."

The House Bunny (2008)

A Touch Of Humor

"Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights."

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)

A Touch of Humor

 - "Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your captain, Captain Oveur."

- "Gentlemen, welcome aboard."
- "Captain, your navigator, Mr. Unger, and your first officer, Mr. Dunn."
- "Unger."
- "Oveur."
- "Oveur."
- "Dunn. Gentlemen, let's get to work."
- "Unger, didn't you serve under Oveur in the Air Force?"
- "Not directly. Technically, Dunn was under Oveur and I was under Dunn."
- "Yep."
- "So, Dunn, you were under Oveur and over Unger."
- "Yep."
- "That's right. Dunn was over Unger and I was over Dunn."
- "So, you see, both Dunn and I were under Oveur, even though I was under Dunn."
- "Dunn was over Unger, and I was over Dunn."

Airplane II: The Sequel (1982)