A Touch Of Humor

In Los Angeles, the mayor Eric Garcetti announced that as of today all retail businesses are allowed to let customers in provided they take the necessary precautions. And if it goes as they hope it will, they’re saying curbside Botox injections could start up again as soon as next week.

Jimmy Kimmel

A Touch Of Humor

“Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does --- except wrinkles. It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place.”
― Dear Abby (Advice Columnist)

A Touch Of Humor

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir" without  adding, 'You're making a scene.' "

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.” 
― George Bernard Shaw

A Touch Of Humor

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

[Dating Over Age 40] I'm a single guy, I'm single and I just turned 50, which means I'm ready to cut a deal. If you have a nut-job sister-in-law you're trying to shove off on someone - I'll take a look! Whenever I say that, men laugh and women go - "What about Carol?"

Joe DeVito

A Touch Of Humor

English?
Who needs that?
I'm never going to England.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

I stayed in a horrible hotel. My dog jumped off the bed and rubbed his butt on the rug. And all I could think was now I gotta wash his butt.

Karen Rontowski

A Touch Of Humor

“At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”
― Ann Landers (Advice Columnist)

A Touch Of Humor

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

I love boxer briefs now. And guys if you're thinking about making the switch, couple of words of warning. 1st of all never wash them in hot water or dry them on the high setting on your dryer. I have a couple of pairs of those where my butt hangs out the bottom. I look like a Hooters waitress when I walk around the house.

Drew Barth

A Touch Of Humor

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

Emo Philips

A Touch Of Humor - Homer Simpson - The Flintstones

"If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement."

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

For the first time in history, walking into a bank WITHOUT a mask on causes more panic than walking in WITH one on.

Author Unknown - From my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page

A Touch Of Humor

"They misunderestimated me."

—President George W. Bush, on being underestimated, Nov. 6, 2000

A Touch Of Humor

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

A lot of people don't believe in anti-depressants. But for a while my mom was taking 'em and I felt great!

Mary Mack

A Touch Of Humor

A successful politician is someone gifted at telling tall tales and convincing others that they’re true.

Anonymous

A Touch Of Humor

Me carrying a briefcase is like a hot-dog wearing earrings.

Sparky Anderson (Former Baseball Manager, Coach and Player)

A Touch Of Humor

“Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
― Ann Landers (Advice Columnist)

A Touch Of Humor

“Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule—and both commonly succeed, and are right.”
― H. L. Mencken, Minority Report (1880 - 1956) (Renowned Journalist, Satirist, Scholar)