I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
-William Lyon Phelps
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
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I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
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I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination.
-Hunter S. Thompson
“A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh.”
― Conan O'Brien
“Everything in this room is edible. Even I'm edible. But, that would be called canibalism. It is looked down upon in most societies.”
― Tim Burton, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
― Groucho Marx
“If you're horrible to me, I'm going to write a song about it, and you won't like it. That's how I operate.”
― Taylor Swift
“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.”
“The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.”
― Lily Tomlin
“To be is to do - Socrates
To do is to be - Sartre
Do Be Do Be Do - Sinatra”
― Kurt Vonnegut
“When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles
and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...
...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle
bottle paddle battle.”
― Dr. Seuss, Fox in Socks