Thursday, November 30, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, 'cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. "Yes, hello I'd like some B-batteries." "What kind?" "B-batteries." "What kind?" "B-batteries!" and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. "Yes, I would like de batteries."

Demetri Martin

Wednesday, November 29, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

Jerry Seinfeld

Tuesday, November 28, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

- Henny Youngman

Monday, November 27, 2023

Friday, November 24, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Thirty-six percent of Americans say that they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman. That's an easy mistake to make.

- John Oliver

Thursday, November 23, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday.

Rodney Dangerfield

Tuesday, November 21, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Democracy is like a tambourine: not everyone can be trusted with it.

John Oliver

Monday, November 20, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Reading isn't good for a ballplayer. Not good for his eyes. If my eyes went bad even a little bit I couldn't hit home runs. So I gave up reading.

- Babe Ruth

Friday, November 17, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Groucho Marx

Thursday, November 16, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Steven Wright

Wednesday, November 15, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 You would play house, you would fake vacuum. Fake vacuum with your friends, that was awesome. It's great because when I see my wife vacuum now I'm like, 'She is living her childhood dream.'

Nate Bargatze

Tuesday, November 14, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

Steve Martin

Monday, November 13, 2023

Friday, November 10, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Steven Wright

Thursday, November 9, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. 

- Robert A. Heinlein

Wednesday, November 8, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. 

- Mike Myers

Tuesday, November 7, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? 

- Phyllis Diller

Monday, November 6, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.

- Al Gore

Friday, November 3, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. 

- W. C. Fields

Thursday, November 2, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?"

Ellen DeGeneres 

Wednesday, November 1, 2023

A Touch of Humor

 I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.

Peter Cook