I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, 'cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. "Yes, hello I'd like some B-batteries." "What kind?" "B-batteries." "What kind?" "B-batteries!" and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. "Yes, I would like de batteries."
Demetri Martin
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
- Henny Youngman
Thirty-six percent of Americans say that they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman. That's an easy mistake to make.
- John Oliver
Reading isn't good for a ballplayer. Not good for his eyes. If my eyes went bad even a little bit I couldn't hit home runs. So I gave up reading.
- Babe Ruth
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Steven Wright
You would play house, you would fake vacuum. Fake vacuum with your friends, that was awesome. It's great because when I see my wife vacuum now I'm like, 'She is living her childhood dream.'
Nate Bargatze
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
Steve Martin
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
- Al Gore
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
- W. C. Fields
Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?"
Ellen DeGeneres
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.
Peter Cook
