A Touch Of Humor

"Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Bob Hope

A Touch Of Humor

You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles." 

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

I just read that one of the least-returned holiday gifts for women is anti-aging skin cream. So, if you're thinking of buying the woman you love anti-aging skin cream — still don't.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needs it most?

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

Operator! Give me the number for 911.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

In Indiana, a high school teacher was caught in her classroom snorting cocaine. People became suspicious when parent-teacher conferences lasted only 10 seconds.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

My wife’s from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like ‘Cripes’. ‘For Cripe’s sake.’ Who would that be — Jesus Cripe’s? The son of ‘Gosh’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’? I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?

Andy Rooney

A Touch Of Humor

Arby’s is currently testing a new sandwich called “The Arbynator” that features roast beef, curly fries, and both cheese and honey sauces. They named it after the Terminator because it’s the only sandwich that will make you want to go back in time and stop yourself from eating it.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

Jerry Springer says he won’t run for governor of Ohio next year. You know politics has gotten messy when Jerry Springer’s like, “I can’t be associated with this.”

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

A New York woman is suing her surgeon claiming he was on his cell phone during her operation. In response, the doctor said, “For your information, I was Googling ‘how to perform surgery.’”

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

“Want to know what God thinks of money? Look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker, writer

A Touch Of Humor

“To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition.” 
― Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

W.C. Fields

A Touch Of Humor

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Jack Benny

A Touch Of Humor

I saw that Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip are celebrating their 70th anniversary by getting new portraits together. It was a big day for them — and a huge day for the photographer at Sears.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

A couple in Arkansas who love the Olive Garden have named their infant daughter “Olivia Garton.” Olivia went home today, where she joined her big brother, Hooters.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

Astronomers announced today that they have discovered an earth-sized planet in our corner of the galaxy that is potentially habitable by humans. Yeah, they think the planet may have breathable air and drinkable water, which is impressive because we barely have those things here in Los Angeles.

James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

Casey Stengel (Former Baseball Team Manager)

A Touch Of Humor

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

A Touch Of Humor

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it was not for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Milton Berle

A Touch Of Humor

The White House has announced that President Trump will pardon two turkeys at a ceremony tomorrow, despite the fact that both turkeys lied under oath about meeting with Russian officials.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

A new study finds that playing outside may help kids’ eyesight.  Kids were like, cool, and then just took their iPads outside. 

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

                                                                Hal's Unfortunate Birthmark

                                                                                 Google Images

A Touch Of Humor

“I have noticed that even 
people who claim everything is pre­determined and that we can do nothing to change it look 
before they cross the road.” —Stephen Hawking, preeminent physicist

A Touch Of Humor

I believe that children are our future. Unless we stop them now.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Joe Biden said he’s open to running for president if no other Democrats step up. You know your party’s in trouble when someone signs up for president the way you sign up for karaoke.

Jimmy Fallon 

A Touch Of Humor

“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.”  —Socrates (Famed Philosopher)

A Touch Of Humor

“The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

"You can have all the money in the world, but there's one thing you will never have ... a dinosaur!".

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.” 
― Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” —Tom Clancy, bestselling author

A Touch Of Humor

A coach for the Miami Dolphins had to resign after a video surfaced of him snorting white powder. Afterwards, the team was like, “So THAT’S why the 50-yard line kept disappearing.”

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

In Wisconsin, a child’s trick-or-treat bag was found to contain meth. On the plus side, the kid did manage to hit 19 houses in under two minutes.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”

Oscar Wilde

A Touch Of Humor

Big Olympic news: The IOC said they may consider including pole-dancing, poker, and foosball in the next Olympics Games. They also said it’s the first Olympics that will be held in a frat house basement.

Conan O'Brien 

A Touch Of Humor,

We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch of Humor

A Touch Of Humor

I read that Queen Elizabeth has made nearly $9 million in winnings from her race horses over the past 30 years. She lost most of it betting on cockfights, but still — that's a lot!

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.” —Johnny Carson

Touch of Humor

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A Touch of Humor

A Touch Of Humor

“Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. ” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

Following an argument, an 
angry Lady Astor told Winston Churchill, “Winston, if you were 
my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.” Churchill snapped, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

A Touch Of Humor

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time: I know where my watch is buddy, where the f**k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

 “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton

A Touch Of Humor

Researchers say they may have figured out how the ancient Egyptians built the Great Pyramid of Giza. What they haven’t figured out is how the ancient Egyptians got Mexico to pay for it.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

The new iPhone is pretty incredible. Experts say it's going to revolutionize the way we ignore the person standing right next to us.

James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

Ikea has released its first collection of furniture designed specifically for pets. Although, if I can’t figure out how to put it together, I don’t see how they will.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”  —Abraham Lincoln

A Touch Of Humor

Amazon just announced that teens can now shop on their parents’ accounts, but the order will only go through if Mom and Dad approve it. Or if they click the button that says, “Mom and Dad approve it.”

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Thanks to Ben Haney for passing this along.

A Touch Of Humor

Apple CEO Tim Cook is claiming that the $1000 iPhone X is a good value. Cook said, “It’s the last phone you’ll ever need for the next eight months."

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

“Part of [the $10 million] went 
for gambling, horses, and women. The rest I spent foolishly.” —George Raft, film star

A Touch Of Humor

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.” 
― Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

Google just released a pair of headphones that can translate 40 languages instantly. They say it’s a great way to travel to a new country and find out everyone’s making fun of you.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

“If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

I have not failed: I have just found 10,000 ways that won't work

Thomas Edison

A Touch Of Humor

No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: He is always convinced that it says what he means.

George Bernard Shaw

A Touch Of Humor

"Why is it no-one ever says, 'I think he's down there now smiling up at us.' Apparently, it never occurs to people that their loved ones might be in Hell ... "

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

In China, for the first time ever, a robot performed dental surgery without human assistance. Everyone was excited until they remembered that the robot was just supposed to vacuum the living room.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to return to the next "Terminator" movie. In this one, Arnold goes back in time to erase all traces of him hosting "Celebrity Apprentice."

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

“More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.” 
― Woody Allen

A Touch of Humor

                                                                            Google Images

A Touch of Humor

                                                                             Google Images

A Touch Of Humor

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

Sam Ewing

A Touch Of Humor

I saw that Coca-Cola is selling a new drink in Japan called "Coca-Cola Coffee Plus.” They say it’s great if you like Coke, love coffee, and hate blinking.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

Professional children's clowns are upset that the Stephen King movie "It" makes them look like murderers. That's true. And professional murderers are upset that it makes them look like children's clowns.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

If at first you don't succeed: Give Up.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

“In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it."

Billy Crystal

A Touch Of Humor

Murphy's Other 15 Laws (Courtesy of my friend Ben Haney)

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A Touch Of Humor

Classic - a book which people praise and don't read.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.” 
― Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked. 

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, “Oh my. He is kicking.” Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don’t do that when I have gas. Oh my… give me your hand… It won't be long now…

Andy Rooney

A Touch Of Humor

“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

I'm a — I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her — the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection.

Ellen Degeneres

A Touch Of Humor

If you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.”  

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

A 16-year-old Wichita high school student is running for governor of Kansas. The teenager’s two campaign promises are to address healthcare and get rid of trigonometry.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

“I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.” 
― Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

Archaeologists have just uncovered evidence of a Native American civilization that vanished, completely vanished in the 13th century. Isn't that amazing? Apparently they died out months after selecting their new leader, Chief Trump. Then they were gone.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

“Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

A man in the U.K. saved his pet tortoise by giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation — at least that’s what he told his wife when she walked in on them.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

A Touch of Humor

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”
“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you can’t even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.
“No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
“Do you have trouble crapping?”
“No, I crap every morning at 6:30.”
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”

A Touch Of Humor

In Virginia someone broke into a man's apartment, cleaned it, and took nothing. Completely cleaned the place. Police are describing the suspect as his mother.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

I was made merely in the image of God, but not otherwise resembling Him enough to be mistaken for Him by anybody but a very nearsighted person.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.” 
― Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

If God needs money, why doesn't he just write another Bible? The first one sold pretty well.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

A California man is suing the makers of Heineken, claiming he found a gecko in his can of beer. But on the bright side, he did save 15 percent on car insurance.

Seth Meyers

A Touch of Humor

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A Touch of Humor

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A Touch Of Humor

Dave Barry On How You Too Could Own A Tank.  

“Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.'
Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?
Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?'
Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

Today is Smokey Bear’s 73rd birthday. You can tell Smokey's getting older because now his motto is "Just Let It Burn — I'm Watching 'Judge Judy.'"

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong - normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

“I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.” 
― Woody Allen

A Touch Of Humor

Trump is also being criticized for his conversation with the president of Mexico, where he called New Hampshire “a drug-infested den.” New Hampshire says it’s furious, while Colorado says it has to find a new nickname.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

"The Today Show" just featured a group of moms in California who said that smoking weed makes them better parents. When asked if their kids agree, the moms were like, "Oh crap, the kids!"

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life.

Number 1 - Cover for me.
Number 2 - Oh good idea, Boss!
Number 3 - It was like that when I got here.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Anne Hathaway is in talks to star in the upcoming “Barbie” movie. She’ll have to say goodbye to her brown hair for the role, while the actor playing Ken will have to say goodbye to something else.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Doctors are criticizing a hospital in Georgia for having a McDonald's restaurant in-house. When in fact, they should be praising McDonald’s for having a hospital around it.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

The owner of a clown motel in Nevada is looking to sell it. The clown motel is like any other motel, except it only has one parking spot.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.

Art Buchwald

A Touch Of Humor

“The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

Always do right; this will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Mark Twain

A Touch OF Humor

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something. 

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? 

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

Two Papa John’s employees in Washington State were arrested this week for allegedly delivering cocaine in pizza boxes. Authorities became suspicious when Papa John’s started getting five-star Yelp reviews that were 47 paragraphs long.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

Thirty-six percent of Americans say that they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman. That's an easy mistake to make.

John Oliver

A Touch Of Humor

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires!

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

“Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

One thing that's good about procrastination is that you always have something planned for tomorrow.

G.B. [Gladys Bertha] Stern

A Touch Of Humor

Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

There’s a new museum opening in Sweden this summer called the Museum of Failure. When asked when they’d finish it, builders said, “We probably won’t.”

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

“I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothing.

Art Buchwald

A Touch of Humor

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A Touch of Humor

A Touch of Humor

A Touch Of Humor

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” 

Mark Twain