A Touch of Humor

 "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

 - Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 "I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, 'Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.' So, I got her nothing."

- Conan O'Brien

A Touch of Humor

 Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

-  Ogden Nash

A Touch of Humor

 Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. 

- Anthony Burgess

A Touch of Humor

 They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. 

- Clint Eastwood

A Touch of Humor

 Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. 

- Jules Renard

A Touch of Humor

 I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. 

- Paula Poundstone

A Touch of Humor

 If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month. 

- Theodore Roosevelt

A Touch of Humor

 It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. 

- Thomas Sowell

A Touch of Humor

 Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. 

- Mark Twain

A Touch of Humor

 "I asked the librarian if they had books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you!'"

Jay Leno

A Touch of Humor

"If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?"

Jimmy Kimmel

A Touch of Humor

 "My therapist told me to be more assertive. I said no."

Seth Meyers

A Touch of Humor

 "I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I thought, 'That sounds like a fair trade.'"

Jay Leno

A Touch of Humor

 Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

 So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

Dave Attell

A Touch of Humor

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."

 - Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised." 

- Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands." 

- Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 "I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?"

 - Ernest Hemingway

A Touch of Humor

 It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country though. "Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food."

Jim Gaffigan