A Touch Of Humor

“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” 
― Steve Martin

A Touch Of Humor

• Uber is working out a new feature that can tell if you're drunk when you request a ride. Here is how it works: If it's 2 a.m. and you call an Uber, you're drunk. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• Is everyone here familiar with Crocs? Well, there's a brand-new style of Crocs that have just been introduced and they're selling out all over the place, although I'm not sure why. High-heel Crocs! Did we ask for this? High-heel Crocs: The perfect shoe for when you get invited to a wedding and the invitation says, "Food court formal."

                                                           James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“Try not to have a good time...this is supposed to be educational.” 
― Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" Creator)

A Touch Of Humor

• Construction workers recently found a 124-year-old time capsule underneath a school in Massachusetts that contains two newspapers, silver war medals, and the first season of "Grey's Anatomy." - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

HBO recently announced that LeBron James will be hosting a new talk show set in a barbershop here in Los Angeles and it's called "The Shop." Yeah, LeBron James is getting a talk show. Well, I guess this is war. I have no choice now but to start up a side gig ... and become the greatest basketball player in the world

                                                           James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
― Steve Martin

A Touch Of Humor

• This weekend is the 80th birthday of Superman. Now that he’s 80, Superman is rendered helpless by Kryptonite and his email password. - Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. - Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

A Touch of Humor

A Touch Of Humor

• Omarosa's new book "Unhinged" is out. And it's already an Amazon best-seller. That's just because Trump frantically bought up all the copies so no one can read it. - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

• After a large parrot escaped from its London home, a firefighter attempted to rescue the bird off a nearby roof. Apparently the bird's owner told the firefighter to go up there and say, "I love you." And the parrot responded with “[bleep] off.” Although the story does have a happy ending. The parrot has just been hired as Donald Trump's new press secretary. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

[President Donald Trump's new Space Force]  We finally learned about the Space Force chain of command. According to Trump, it’ll go, “E.T., Yoda, then Groot.” - Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts" creator)

A Touch Of Humor

• Following the launch of his own charter school, nearly 14,000 people have signed an online petition to make LeBron James the secretary of education, even though we already have one. "Who is it now?” asked Betsy DeVos.  - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

• A man in Florida was recently arrested after running into a liquor store with an alligator and chasing people who were shopping there. I'm just going to say it: This emotional support animal thing has officially gone too far. - James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

• The New York Mets suffered their worst loss in franchise history last night losing to the Washington Nationals 25-4. It was so bad that even the ceremonial first pitch was hit for a triple. - Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor. Elayne Boosler

A Touch Of Humor

Some big news here in California: The state’s Supreme Court just blocked an initiative asking people to vote on whether California should be split into three separate states. It’s no coincidence that this proposal came right after the state legalized weed. “Dude, what if California was like... three Californias?” 

- James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

Scientists in Canada are working to create the world's first beer brewed entirely from cannabis. Scientists say they've been working tirelessly from morning to mid-morning.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.

Bill Murray