Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Friday, November 25, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
"When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic."
Jane Wagner
Jane Wagner
A Touch Of Humor
“Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.”
Jane Wagner
A Touch Of Humor
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
Jane Wagner
A Touch Of Humor
I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.
Jane Wagner
A Touch Of Humor
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
A Touch Of Humor
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
A Touch Of Humor
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.
Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
Saturday, November 19, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.
Jim Carrey
Jim Carrey
A Touch Of Humor
I don't care if people think I am an overactor, as long as they enjoy what I do. People who think that would call Van Gogh an overpainter.
Jim Carrey
Jim Carrey
A Touch Of Humor
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
George Carlin
George Carlin
A Touch Of Humor
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin
George Carlin
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Monday, November 14, 2016
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
George Carlin
George Carlin
A Touch Of Humor
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin
George Carlin
A Touch Of Humor
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin
George Carlin
A Touch Of Humor
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
George Carlin
George Carlin
A Touch Of Humor
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin
George Carlin
A Touch Of Humor
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin
George Carlin
A Touch Of Humor
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin
George Carlin
A Touch Of Humor
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin
George Carlin
A Touch Of Humor
One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. That's how you know it didn't go as you planned.
Kevin Hart
Kevin Hart
A Touch Of Humor
It's just weird that out of nowhere God said, "May the three best-looking guys in Hollywood have babies - Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and me". It was bizarre that God said, "I want to make the planet more beautiful", and I got the call.
Adam Sandler
Adam Sandler
Friday, November 4, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
I gotta' work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta' start working out. It's been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh...is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh...and watch TV. And get a bone density test. And uh...try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
I have just learned that penguins are monogamous for life, which doesn't really surprise me all that much because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're going to meet a better looking penguin someday.
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, ''Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres.''
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?...Noooo...as funny as that is, I'm not
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
People always ask me `Were you funny as a child?` Well, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
I have a terrible problem with procrastination... a friend told me, "Well, you should go to therapy. And I thought about it, but then I said, "Wait a minute. Why should I pay a stranger to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk?" And that's when I got the idea of touring.
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
"I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going...."
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
I'm a — I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her — the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection....
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong - normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas.
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there's morning sickness. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off.
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
Thursday, November 3, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
Dear Readers, this joke from my friend Ben Haney is too long to publish for subscribers, but I laughed aloud and I think you will too. Dick
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual
address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 86 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift to me.
By the way, there was
$4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the Post Office.
Sincerely,
Edna
I think it might have been those bastards at the Post Office.
Sincerely,
Edna
A Touch Of Humor
Dear Readers, this joke from my friend Ben Haney is too long to publish for subscribers, but I laughed aloud and I think you will too. Dick
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual
address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 86 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift to me.
By the way, there was
$4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the Post Office.
Sincerely,
Edna
I think it might have been those bastards at the Post Office.
Sincerely,
Edna
A Touch Of Humor
Note To Readers: This joke from my friend Ben Haney is too long to publish for subscribers, but I laughed aloud in reading it and I think you will as well. Dick
A little girl was talking to her teacher about
whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its
throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could
not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'
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