A Touch Of Humor

Doritos has launched a new flavor called 'Twisted Lime,' despite promising back in 2016 not to release any new flavors in the last year of a president's term.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

[From the smokey California air] Last night I heard the coyotes outside my window. They were coughing at the moon.

Bill Maher

A Touch Of Humor

It’s 38 days before the election. It feels less like an election and more like a going out of business sale.

Bill Maher

A Touch Of Humor

New Rule: The veterinarians at a Polish zoo who say they’ve been conducting a study of the stress relieving affect of marijuana on elephants have to admit what really happened. You’re high and someone said, ‘let’s get the elephants stoned’ and you did!

Bill Maher

A Touch Of Humor

Simpson Marriage Counseling Session:

Homer: Marge, this is embarrassing. We don’t need counseling.

Marge: We do need counseling. I’m carrying a lot of anger!

Homer: Just do what I do. Come home and have a hot dinner waiting for you.

A Touch Of Humor

 

From Tom Brown's Facebook feed. Thanks Tom!

A Touch Of Humor

I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.

Billy Connolly

A Touch Of Humor

“From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.” 

- Groucho Marx

A Touch Of Humor

I went to the psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. 

I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

Author Unknown

A Touch Of Humor

Here’s something kinda surprising. I hear that Oscar Mayer is offering up it’s iconic Wienermobile for peoples’ marriage proposals. Oscar Mayer says they’ll keep loaning it out until one of the proposals ends with a yes. 

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

“Marge, don’t worry. It’s like when we stopped paying the phone bill. They stopped calling us. In fact everyone did.”

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

“It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don’t actually believe in fossils.”

Ricky Gervais

A Touch Of Humor

“Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?”

Billy Connolly

A Touch Of Humor

As CBD (marijuana) continues to become more and more popular, an unlikely celebrity has launched her own line. That’s right, Martha Stewart is launching her own CBD line. Even crazier, Snoop Dogg is launching his own line of table cloths and pie tins.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

 "I was looking at a box of Hot Pockets. They have a warning printed on the side. It said, 'Warning! You just bought Hot Pockets!'"

 - Jim Gaffigan

A Touch Of Humor

When I was a kid, the biggest food thing that happened to me is when they invented the Pop Tart! The back of my head blew right off! We couldn’t comprehend the Pop Tart it was too advanced!

Breakfast super scientists conceiving of a frosted fruit filled heap of rectangles in the same shape as the box it comes in. And with the same nutrition as the box it comes in too.

And they can’t go stale cause they were never fresh!

 Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

“Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money?”

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today its open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

I never made 'Who's Who,' but I'm featured in 'What's That'

Phyllis Diller

A Touch Of Humor

Here’s your Quarantine Tip of the day: Now that movie theaters are starting to open up again, you gotta stay safe. So please, make sure to get the extra large popcorn, the extra large candy and the extra large drink. Covid can’t get you if diabetes kills you first! 

Trevor Noah

A Touch Of Humor

A Urologist's office teleconference

My Urologist's office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone due to the coronavirus.  One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was instructed (via email) to administer my own urine test.  This was to avoid those lab tests and costly co-pays that your doctor's tell you to get, and because they're shutdown too. 

Directions: 

Simply go outside and pee on the front lawn. 

If ant's gather:  DIABETES. 

If you pee on your feet:  PROSTATE. 

If it smells like a barbecue:  CHOLESTEROL. 

If your wrist hurts when you shake it:  OSTEOARTHRITIS. 

If you return to your house with your unit  outside your pants: 

ALZHEIMER'S.

(Author Unknown)

A Touch Of Humor

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

George Burns 

A Touch Of Humor

A mock FOX News crawl on "The Simpsons": "Pointless news crawls up at 37 percent. ... Do Democrats cause cancer? Find out at Foxnews.com. ... Rupert Murdoch: Terrific Dancer. ... Dow down 5000 points. ... Study: 92 percent of Democrats are gay. ... JFK posthumously joins Republican Party. ... Oil slicks found to keep seals young, supple.