Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
“You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!”
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”
“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”
― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“I think I've discovered the secret of life -- you just hang around until you get used to it.”
― Charles Schultz
“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
― Steven Wright
“Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!”
― Dr. Seuss
“There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.”
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena.