A Touch of Humor

 Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.

Janet Evanovich

A Touch of Humor

 My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Walter Mathau

A Touch of Humor

 If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

George Burns

A Touch of Humor

 It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Andy Borowitz

A Touch of Humor

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

Steve Carell, The Office

A Touch of Humor

 I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!

Steven Weinberg

A Touch of Humor

 There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Oscar Levant

A Touch of Humor

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Mark Twain

A Touch of Humor

 The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

Jay Leno

A Touch Of Humor

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.

Peter Cook

A Touch Of Humor

 A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.

Dennis Waitley

A Touch Of Humor

 Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

Bob Thaves

A Touch Of Humor

 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

A Touch of Humor

 Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Steve Martin

A Touch of Humor

 Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.

Ellen DeGeneris

A Touch of Humor

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.

Rich Hall

A Touch Of Humor

Know who really needs a vaccine? Everybody, especially the cruise ship industry. They were one of the first industries to be completely shut down by the coronavirus. But now Royal Caribbean is back! They’ve launched a socially distanced, ultra sanitized experience they’re calling the ‘Covid-secure cruise.’ That is great news! Now the only disease you can get on a cruise is all the other ones.

Stephen Colbert

A Touch Of Humor

A new survey found that this year 1 in 5 Americans have gotten hurt putting up their Christmas tree. How annoying is that for overrun hospitals. It’s like, make room, this dummy fell on a Christmas tree. One patient was like, ‘is it bad?’ The doctor was like, ‘well, I’m a proctologist so you tell me.’

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

 Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Jay Leno

A Touch of Humor

 The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

Sid Caesar

A Touch of Humor

 Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are.

Will Ferrell