Tuesday, March 31, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

“I like threesomes with two women, not because I'm a cynical sexual predator. Oh no! But because I'm a romantic. I'm looking for "The One." And I'll find her more quickly if I audition two at a time.”
― Russell Brand

Monday, March 30, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"To those who are complaining about the quarantine period and curfews, just remember that your grandparents were called to war; you are being called to sit on the couch and watch Netflix. You can do this."

Author Unknown - Thank you to my friend Ben Haney for sharing this with us.

Saturday, March 28, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[With his now ex-girlfriend] We were in this kind of weird where is this going kind of place. And then we were sitting on the couch watching TV. And one of those De Beers diamond commercials comes on. And it used to end with, "A diamond is forever." And the girl I was dating looked over at me and she was like, "You know a diamond is forever." And I was like, "I know. So is Styrofoam."

Drew Barth

Thursday, March 26, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Mark Twain

Wednesday, March 25, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

[Nostalgia for the 1800's] "You want to go to the good old days? They didn't know how to do anything back then. Nothing! You ever see the first bicycle ever made? I don't know how to make anything. But I know you don't take the smallest wheel you can find and put that in the back. And the biggest wheel on earth and put that up front!"

Tom Papa

Tuesday, March 24, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A group of sheep in Northern Ireland recently crashed through the window of a local bank and wandered around the office. When asked how many sheep were in there, the bank employees fell asleep.

Seth Meyers

Monday, March 23, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I'm not good with people. I saw a lady recently crying in the middle of the aisle at Target. Just in the middle of an ugly crying. Hard crying. OK. And I thought, 'Oh no, I should do something.' I got myself ready. She's crying so hard and I'm like, 'Excuse me mam. I think you need to be in a Walmart right now.' I nailed that interaction.

Shayne Smith

Friday, March 20, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

To go to the grocery store, they said a mask and gloves were enough .... they lied ..... everybody else had clothes on!

Author Unknown - From my friend Tom Brown's Facebook Page.

Thursday, March 19, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers and accountants. Sorry kids, even ISIS says they're not hiring liberal arts majors.

Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Steven Wright

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

My wife and I are trying to be pretty healthy. Last year we decided to go gluten free, because we like food but we wanted to pay more for it.

Drew Barth

Monday, March 16, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

Elayne Boosler

Friday, March 13, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."  -- Mark Twain

Thursday, March 12, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Dave Barry

Wednesday, March 11, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"Well, I learned a lot...I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You'd be surprised. They're all individual countries."
—President Ronald Reagan

Tuesday, March 10, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

SAVE THE EARTH, IT’S THE ONLY PLANET WITH CHOCOLATE.

Author Unknown. From my friend Tom Brown’s Facebook Page

Monday, March 9, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

An Ohio man is attempting to break a world record by drinking only beer during Lent. If you’re wondering what he’s giving up, I’m guessing custody.

Seth Meyers

Friday, March 6, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire. It'll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Let me tell you how bad my day was. My kids were so bad at Walmart today, I actually pulled a fly swatter off the shelf and I spanked them. And just as the fly swatter hit their little butts I thought - I don't have kids.

Karen Rontowski

Wednesday, March 4, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

"Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuality. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Leave these f**king people alone for Christ's sake. Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion."  -- George Carlin

Tuesday, March 3, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Rodney Dangerfield

Monday, March 2, 2020

A Touch Of Humor

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Steven Wright