Thursday, June 30, 2016
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
"The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun."
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert
Monday, June 27, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
"I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade ... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake."
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert
A Touch Of Humor
"There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good."
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert
Friday, June 24, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
“I have leveled with the girls - from Anchorage to Amarillo.
I tell them that all marriages are happy
It's the living together afterward that's tough."
Ann Landers
I tell them that all marriages are happy
It's the living together afterward that's tough."
Ann Landers
A Touch Of Humor
“There are really only three types of people: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who say, What happened?”
Ann Landers (Advice Columnist)
Ann Landers (Advice Columnist)
A Touch Of Humor
“People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.”
Ann Landers (Advice Columnist)
Ann Landers (Advice Columnist)
A Touch Of Humor
“Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
Ann Landers (Advice Columnist)
Ann Landers (Advice Columnist)
A Touch Of Humor
“I do benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”
Bob Hope
Bob Hope
A Touch Of Humor
“When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. ”
Bob Hope
Bob Hope
A Touch Of Humor
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."
Bob Hope
A Touch Of Humor
“Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.”
Dorothy Parker (Poet and Satirist)
Dorothy Parker (Poet and Satirist)
A Touch Of Humor
“That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.”
Dorothy Parker (Poet and Satirist)
Dorothy Parker (Poet and Satirist)
A Touch Of Humor
“I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.”
Dorothy Parker (Poet and Satirist)
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.”
Dorothy Parker (Poet and Satirist)
A Touch Of Humor
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”
Dorothy Parker (Poet and Satirist)
Dorothy Parker (Poet and Satirist)
A Touch Of Humor
“It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.”
Dorothy Parker (Poet and Satirist)
Dorothy Parker (Poet and Satirist)
A Touch of Humor
People who don't want to feel down in the mouth should never kiss a duck.
Anonymous
Thursday, June 23, 2016
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
"Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself."
Jane Wagner (Comedy Writer, Producer, Directir)
Jane Wagner (Comedy Writer, Producer, Directir)
A Touch Of Humor
"Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it."
Jane Wagner (Comedy Writer, Producer, Director)
Jane Wagner (Comedy Writer, Producer, Director)
A Touch Of Humor
"I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain."
Jane Wagner (Comedy Writer, Producer, Director)
Jane Wagner (Comedy Writer, Producer, Director)
A Touch Of Humor
"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific."
Jane Wagner (Comedy Writer, Producer, Dirctor)
Jane Wagner (Comedy Writer, Producer, Dirctor)
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Monday, June 20, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
(Old-fashioned Jewish humor courtesy of John Fortier)
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
A Touch Of Humor
(Old-fashioned Jewish humor courtesy of John Fortier)
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
A Touch Of Humor
(Old-fashioned Jewish humor courtesy of John Fortier)
The Doctor gave a man six months to live
The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor gave a man six months to live
The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
A Touch Of Humor
"If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you."
Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx
A Touch Of Humor
"Get the facts first. You can distort them later."
-
Mark Twain
(Quote published 6/20/16 on jlhuie.com)
-
Mark Twain
(Quote published 6/20/16 on jlhuie.com)
Sunday, June 19, 2016
A Touch of Humor
Instead of always taking the rational approach, with humor we can tap in to an inner well of spontaneous delight. We can choose to see that we live in a world of many illusions and that much of human belief and behavior is conditioned nonsense.
Tom Brown
Tom Brown
A Touch Of Humor
"When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would … and I'd fall out of the roller coaster."
Emo Philips
Emo Philips
A Touch Of Humor
"The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference."
Emo Philips
Emo Philips
A Touch Of Humor
"People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by."
Emo Philips
Emo Philips
A Touch Of Humor
"I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"
Emo Philips
A Touch Of Humor
"You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!"
Emo Philips
Emo Philips
A Touch Of Humor
"I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."
Emo Philips
Emo Philips
A Touch Of Humor
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
Emo Philips
A Touch Of Humor
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
Emo Philips
Saturday, June 18, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
"Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest."
Mark Twain
Mark Twain
A Touch Of Humor
"To think we have the garment industry instead of nature to thank for the zipper concept when it would have come in so handy for childbirth."
Jane Wagner (Comedy Writer, Producer, Director)
Jane Wagner (Comedy Writer, Producer, Director)
Friday, June 17, 2016
A Touch of Humor
"They say that wisdom comes with age, but I have found that age can come all by itself."
Author Unknown
A Touch Of Humor
"One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist."
Jane Wagner (Comedy Writer, Producer, Director)
Jane Wagner (Comedy Writer, Producer, Director)
A Touch Of Humor
"Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you, they can't laugh either."
Jane Wagner (Comedy Writer, Producer, Director)
Jane Wagner (Comedy Writer, Producer, Director)
Thursday, June 16, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
"You don't know what it's like! Hyperactive twins! When they turned three, my doctor prescribed Ritalin -- I wouldn't dream of giving a drug to my children, but it does help when I take it myself."
Jane Wagner (Comedy Writer, Producer, Director)
Jane Wagner (Comedy Writer, Producer, Director)
A Touch Of Humor
"When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic."
Jane Wagner (Comedy Writer, Producer, Director)
Jane Wagner (Comedy Writer, Producer, Director)
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
"President Obama is launching a new $6 billion space policy that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars. Of course it's $6 billion and $45 if the astronauts have a carry-on."
Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon
A Touch Of Humor
"A Pennsylvania woman convicted for shoplifting was sentenced to wear a badge that reads 'Convicted Shoplifter.' However, her lawyers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading 'I'd rather be stealing!"
Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon
A Touch Of Humor
"Researchers in Canada say they have discovered the part of the brain that is used to make decisions, and this is weird: If you're married, it's actually located in your wife's brain."
Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
"This week the Obama administration warned China to remove its secret agents from the U.S. Then in the middle of Obama's announcement a plant behind him got up and walked away."
Jimmy Fallon
A Touch Of Humor
"There's a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That's ridiculous. I don't need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my FarmVille crops."
Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon
A Touch Of Humor
"A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world's oldest divorced couple. It's got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you."
Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon
A Touch Of Humor
"They're making a movie about Barack and Michelle Obama's first date called 'Southside With You,' and the producers say they've already cast someone to play young Barack Obama. Now I'm not saying the president has aged a lot but that young actor is Morgan Freeman."
Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon
Monday, June 13, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
My 91-year-old Aunt Eleanor went to hear a chorus of very senior citizens, each person apparently tone deaf and singing loudly.
Afterward, she said with a chuckle, "It was the one time I was sorry my hearing aids were working."
Dick
Afterward, she said with a chuckle, "It was the one time I was sorry my hearing aids were working."
Dick
Sunday, June 12, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
"Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony."
Johnny Carson
Johnny Carson
A Touch Of Humor
"Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it."
Author Unknown (Courtesy of Ben Haney)
Author Unknown (Courtesy of Ben Haney)
Saturday, June 11, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson
Johnny Carson
A Touch Of Humor
"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"
Steven Wright
Steven Wright
Thursday, June 9, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
"They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time, but since you never know when the right time is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right place and just hang around."
Bill Watterson (Cartoonist - Calvin and Hobbes, Painter)
Bill Watterson (Cartoonist - Calvin and Hobbes, Painter)
A Touch Of Humor
"Calvin: Know what I pray for? Hobbes: What? Calvin: The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference."
Bill Watterson (Cartoonist - Calvin and Hobbes, Painter)
Bill Watterson (Cartoonist - Calvin and Hobbes, Painter)
A Touch Of Humor
“Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?”
Bill Watterson (Cartoonist - Calvin and Hobbes, Painter)
Bill Watterson (Cartoonist - Calvin and Hobbes, Painter)
A Touch of Humor
“It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.”
Bill Watterson (Cartoonist - Calvin and Hobbes, Painter)
Bill Watterson (Cartoonist - Calvin and Hobbes, Painter)
A Touch Of Humor
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
Bill Watterson (Cartoonist - Calvin and Hobbes, Painter)
Bill Watterson (Cartoonist - Calvin and Hobbes, Painter)
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
A Touch of Humor
"I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity, and I have my doubts about disbelief."
Author Unknown
Author Unknown
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."
Dave Barry
Dave Barry
A Touch Of Humor
"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing."
Dave Barry
Dave Barry
A Touch Of Humor
"Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain."
Dave Barry
Dave Barry
A Touch Of Humor
"It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells ... to locate a female egg, despite the fact the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
Dave Barry
Dave Barry
A Touch Of Humor
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
Abraham Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln
Monday, June 6, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein
A Touch Of Humor
"Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."
Mark Twain
Mark Twain
A Touch Of Humor
"As I've grown old, I've shrunk" whined the 91-year-old woman. I'm now just 5 feet tall." To which her 86-year-old sister replied, "May you live to be 3 feet, 2."
Dick (Thank you to my Aunt El for this joke)
Dick (Thank you to my Aunt El for this joke)
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Saturday, June 4, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
I really don't know what I'm doing...(a common occurrence)...but this is my first post, and we'll see what happens.
In today's world there is a poll for almost everything, so here is the latest poll info......
"Meaningless polls have increased 3.6% since last month, and a disturbing new poll finds that polls are disturbing."
In today's world there is a poll for almost everything, so here is the latest poll info......
"Meaningless polls have increased 3.6% since last month, and a disturbing new poll finds that polls are disturbing."
A Touch Of Humor
"Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other."
Oscar Ameringer (Editor, Author, Political Organizer)
Oscar Ameringer (Editor, Author, Political Organizer)
A Touch Of Humor
"Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you."
Author Unknown
Friday, June 3, 2016
A Touch Of Humor
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
George Carlin
George Carlin
A Touch Of Humor
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
George Carlin
A Touch Of Humor
"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart."
Erma Bombeck (Bestselling Author, Humorist)
Erma Bombeck (Bestselling Author, Humorist)
A Touch Of Humor
"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?"
Erma Bombeck (Bestseling Author, Humorist)
Erma Bombeck (Bestseling Author, Humorist)
A Touch Of Humor
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
Erma Bombeck (Bestselling Author, Humorist)
Erma Bombeck (Bestselling Author, Humorist)
A Touch Of Humor
(When Voltaire was on his deathbed, a priest asked him to renounce satan and Voltaire replied) "Now, my good man, this is no time to be making enemies."
Voltaire (Famed 18th Century Philosopher, Humorist)
Voltaire (Famed 18th Century Philosopher, Humorist)
A Touch Of Humor
"God is a comedian playing to an audience that is too afraid to laugh."
Voltaire (Famed 18th Century Philosopher, Humorist)
Voltaire (Famed 18th Century Philosopher, Humorist)
A Touch Of Humor
"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it."
Voltaire (Famed 18th Century Philosopher, Humorist)
Voltaire (Famed 18th Century Philosopher, Humorist)
A Touch Of Humor
"A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy."
Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld
A Touch Of Humor
"Let's face it: a date is a job-interview that lasts all night The only difference between a date and a job-interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it."
Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld
A Touch Of Humor
"Why do people give each other flowers! To celebrate various important occasions , they're killing living creatures. Why restrict it to plants? Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld
A Touch Of Humor
"Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge."
Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld
A Touch Of Humor
"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
A Touch Of Humor
"Some people have a way with words, and other people ... oh, uh, not have way."
Steve Martin
Steve Martin
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)