A Touch of Humor

                                                                      Google Images

A Touch Of Humor

"Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view."

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice."

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it."

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"What year did Jesus think it was?"

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?"

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

An older gentleman was on the operating table       awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.  As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?"  "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me,  your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...." 

(Humor courtesy of my friend Ben Haney)

A Touch Of Humor

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."

Jimmy Durante

(Humor courtesy of my friend Ben Haney)

A Touch Of Humor

"Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."

Spike Milligan

(Humor courtesy of my friend Ben Haney)

A Touch of Humor

A Touch of Humor

                                                                           Cartoon Stock

A Touch Of Humor

Without a college education, your child will enter the job market with no useful skills.: whereas with a college education, your child will enter the job market with no useful skills and parents who are hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.."

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back."

Oscar Wilde

A Touch Of Humor

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Emo Philips

A Touch Of Humor

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Dave Barry

A Touch of Humor

                                              For Your Convenience          Google Images

A Touch Of Humor

“Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:
Yes.
Yes.
No.
One time in high school.
Three times in my twenties.
Rocks no salt.
Yes.
Four.
Never. And how dare you!
I will take no further questions.”
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding   

A Touch Of Humor

“And now I've got to explain the smell that was in there before I went in there. Does that ever happen to you? It's not your fault. You've held your breath, you just wanna get out, and now you open the door and you have to explain, 'Oh! Listen, there's an odor in there and I didn't do it. It's bad.”

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

“Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.”

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

“People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. ”

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

“Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.”

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."

Ellen DeGeneres  

A Touch Of Humor

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

“Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair.”

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch OF Humor

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”  

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch of Humor

                                                                Drama Fever News

A Touch Of Humor

"No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office."

George Bernard Shaw

(Thank you to Laura Rosenwald for sharing this humor with us) 

A Touch Of Humor

When I was growing up, they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me. "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer."

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

"You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer."

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

"And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. OF COURSE he was Jewish!30-years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!"

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

"Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.'  She's got a baseball bat and yelling, You want a piece of me?'

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." "I said "Why?" "He said "My dog's died."

Tommy Cooper

A Touch Of Humor

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."

Elayne Boosler

A Touch Of Humor

"It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it."

Naviot Singh Sidhu

A Touch Of Humor

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

Woody Allen

A Toiuch Of Humor

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say, "Stop, or I'll say stop again!"

Robin Williams

A Touch of Humor

                                                                          Anonymous

a Touch of Humor

                                                                               Victor Englebert

A Touch Of Humor

"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so ... look at the platypus."

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, DC. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."

Jay Leno

A Touch Of Humor

"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

Phyllis Diller

A Touch Of Humor

"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."

Rita Rudner