Christopher Titus
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
Thomas Jefferson said, "The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Yeah and I heard that and thought, "I'm out!"
Christopher Titus
Christopher Titus
Monday, January 30, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
Taco
Bell has an exciting new item — the Naked Chicken Chalupa. It’s basically
a taco with a shell made out of fried chicken, just in time for Obamacare
to go away. I guess they decided to call it the Naked Crispy Chicken
Chalupa because “I’ve Given Up on Life Chalupa” wasn’t testing well.
Jimmy Kimmel
Sunday, January 29, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
A
Russian billionaire reportedly paid over $4 million to have Mariah Carey
and Sir Elton John perform at his teenage granddaughter’s wedding. Said
his teenage granddaughter, “Who are these people?”
Seth Meyers
Seth Meyers
Saturday, January 28, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
I turned on my iPhone today to check the news and Siri said, "Are you sitting down?"
Bill Maher
Bill Maher
Friday, January 27, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
I gotta' work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta' start working out. It's been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh...is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh...and watch TV. And get a bone density test. And uh...try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
Thursday, January 26, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
McDonald’s
is coming out with an extra-large Big Mac called the Grand Mac. The Grand
Mac’s slogan is “You’re gonna die anyway, why wait?”
Conan O'Brien
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
It was
announced that Alex Rodriguez will host a reality TV show featuring former
athletes who are now broke. Or as that’s already known, “Dancing With the
Stars.”
Conan O'Brien
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
Analysts
say China is gearing up for a trade war with the United States. Here’s how
it’s gonna go: China will say, “We have all your iPhones,” and we’ll say,
“We surrender.”
Conan O'Brien
Monday, January 23, 2017
Sunday, January 22, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
According
to a new study, women are evolutionarily programmed to regret one-night
stands. At least, that has been my experience.
Conan O'Brien
Saturday, January 21, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
There
was alarming news you may have seen about the environment this week.
Federal scientists announced that 2016 was the planet’s hottest year on
record and this was probably due to man-made climate change. The good news
is, in a few years, you’ll be able to get a pretty sweet tan. The bad news
is, the beach you’ll visit to get that tan is gonna be in Idaho.
James Corden
Friday, January 20, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
Just what is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics? Is it still just the two spaces?
Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld
Thursday, January 19, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
Ringling
Bros. and Barnum & Bailey is officially shutting down. Apparently, the
circus doesn't think it could compete against a Trump presidency.
Stephen Colbert
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
They have the greeting cards with the couples on the front. They photograph them. These hazy focus people. They’re always having picnics. There’s always a tree, a pond… who are these people? I don’t know them. I don’t want them on my card either. What am I going to write inside there anyway? “Here’s another couple having a better relationship than us.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld
Monday, January 16, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
Hostess
is recalling its white peppermint Twinkies over salmonella concerns. But I
guess they canceled the recall when the salmonella was killed by the stuff
that was already in the Twinkie.
Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Saturday, January 14, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
According
to a new study, the average cost of raising a child in America is now over
$200,000. The study was funded by Trojan condoms.
Conan O'Brien
Friday, January 13, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
More
than 60 cities around the world celebrated the 16th annual No Pants Subway
Ride yesterday. Or as that one guy on your train calls it, “Sunday.”
Seth Meyers
Thursday, January 12, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
Today
marks the 10-year anniversary of the iPhone. The Samsung Galaxy Note 7
even celebrated with a fireworks display.
James Corden
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
Later
this month, Google will be testing its new self-driving minivans. The
vehicles can do all the functions of a human driver, except wonder,
“Christ, how did I end up driving a minivan?”
Conan O'Brien
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
Jane Wagner
Jane Wagner
Monday, January 9, 2017
Sunday, January 8, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.
Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
Saturday, January 7, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin
George Carlin
Friday, January 6, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
Normal people terrify me, because they haven’t had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a disfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you’ve driven a drunken father to moms’ parole hearing, what else is there?
Christopher Titus
Christopher Titus
Thursday, January 5, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
“Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.”
Jane Wagner
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
"36% of Americans say they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman."
John Oliver
John Oliver
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
Politicians, old buildings, and prostitutes become respectable with age.
Mark Twain
Mark Twain
Monday, January 2, 2017
Sunday, January 1, 2017
A Touch Of Humor
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
George Carlin
George Carlin
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