A Toiuch Of Humor

Today, Vladimir Putin denied meddling in our presidential election. Not helping was that Putin made the statement from behind the desk in the Oval Office.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.' 

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

It was announced that Canada plans to legalize marijuana by July of next year. It's exciting for Americans because now they can add weed to the list of drugs they buy in Canada.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy. 

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

"Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted."

Jules Renard

A Touch Of Humor,

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”

Will Rogers

A Touch of Humor

A Touch of Humor

                                                                          Google Images

A Touch Of Humor

One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. That's how you know it didn't go as you planned.

Kevin Hart

A Touch Of Humor

Yesterday was the L.A. Marathon. Actually there wasn’t supposed to be a marathon — people on the 405 freeway just gave up and got out of their cars.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. 

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

I read about a marijuana dispensary in Los Angeles that doubles as an art gallery. Yep. Patrons stare at the art for hours before being told, “Sir, that’s an exit sign.”

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

A Touch of Humor

A Touch Of Humor

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. 

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Many years after dropping out of Harvard, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is going back to get an honorary degree. Zuckerberg said he would have gone back sooner, but even he can’t afford college these days.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel." 

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”

Albert Einstein 

A Touch Of Humor

A new financial app from JP Morgan can now do in seconds what it once took Wall Street financiers 360,000 hours to accomplish. That’s right, the app wrecks the global economy.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel. 

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

The tax deadline is about five weeks away. And this year, because of all the budget cuts at the IRS, the odds of getting audited are the lowest they’ve been in 13 years. Last year, only .7 percent were audited, down by 16 percent. This year, it’s expected to be lower than that. In other words, there has never been a better time to claim your Chihuahua as a dependent.

Jimmy Kimmel

A Touch of Humor

                                                            Finding the Hidden Joy

A Touch of Humor

A Touch Of Humor

I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise. 

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

In California, an experimental self-driving Uber car drove through six red lights. In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?...Noooo...as funny as that is, I'm not

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

Ben Affleck was patted down by TSA security at Los Angeles International Airport this week. Though when it was over, the woman whispered, “I’m not in the TSA.”

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder. 

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Al Capone