A Touch Of Humor

“I'm not a believer, I call myself an atheist. It was man who invented God. I once wrote that there are 15 things I know about God, and one is that he is allergic to shellfish. There are far too many commandments and you really only need one: Do not hurt anybody."

Carl Reiner

A Touch Of Humor

“I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.”  

Ellen DeGeneres 

A Touch Of Humor

Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Andy Rooney

A Touch Of Humor

A boy in Maryland this weekend was trapped in an arcade claw machine after climbing through the prize door. Luckily, rescuers were able to get him out after about 35 quarters.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around. 

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

I read about a couple in Vermont that is selling their house, and part of it extends over the border into Canada. It’s really cool — it has three bedrooms, two baths, and free healthcare.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch of Humor

A Touch of Humor

A Touch Of Humor

The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

I'd like to acknowledge three people who early on knew Mel Brooks was one of the funniest people in the world. Sid Caesar, me, and Mel Brooks.

Carl Reiner

A Touch Of Humor

Fox News is dropping its famous tagline, “Fair and Balanced.” Fox News is swapping it for the more accurate tagline, “Paranoia and Ads for Cialis.”

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

Fox News is changing its slogan and it turns out they’re not the only TV network that’s getting a new one. For example, Disney Channel’s new slogan is “cheaper than a babysitter.”

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Vegetarian – that’s an old Indian word meaning ‘lousy hunter’

Andy Rooney

A Touch Of Humor

Puerto Rico has decided they want to become a U.S. state. When they heard about it, California said, “That’s great, they can take our place.”

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

L.A. is one of the two finalists to host the 2024 Olympics. So if you want to attend one of the events in L.A., you should get on the freeway now.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."

Bill Maher

A Touch Of Humor

An 88-year-old woman has set a new record for oldest female to stand on the wing of a flying plane. It sounds dangerous, but it’s actually the safest place to be when you fly United.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

Kuwaiti customs officials recently captured a pigeon found carrying almost 200 ecstasy pills in a tiny backpack. Officials first became suspicious when they saw a pigeon wearing a tiny backpack.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer after it wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released back into the wild, which makes this the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America’s largest suppliers of hunting rifles.

Walmart is already trying to capitalize on this by changing their slogan to “Walmart: Where You Can Always Save a Buck.”

James Corden

A Touch Of Humor

Two people in Arkansas were arrested for stealing $5,000 worth of Little Debbie snack cakes. They were charged with theft and I assume possession of weed.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

An Ohio man recently proposed to his girlfriend at the finish line of a marathon. And she can never find out that he really said, “Will you carry me?”

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

"In politics, stupidity is not a handicap." 

- Napoleon Bonaparte

A Touch of Humor

A Touch of Humor

                                                 A Sure Cure                   Google Images

A Touch Of Humor

The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A Touch Of Humor

In Cambodia, an actress is not allowed to make movies because the country’s government said she’s too sexy. So, ladies and gentlemen, now you know why I’m not allowed to make a movie in Cambodia.

Conan O'Brien