A Touch Of Humor

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

The owner of a clown motel in Nevada is looking to sell it. The clown motel is like any other motel, except it only has one parking spot.

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.

Art Buchwald

A Touch Of Humor

“The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

Always do right; this will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Mark Twain

A Touch OF Humor

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something. 

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? 

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

Two Papa John’s employees in Washington State were arrested this week for allegedly delivering cocaine in pizza boxes. Authorities became suspicious when Papa John’s started getting five-star Yelp reviews that were 47 paragraphs long.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

Thirty-six percent of Americans say that they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman. That's an easy mistake to make.

John Oliver

A Touch Of Humor

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires!

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

“Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

One thing that's good about procrastination is that you always have something planned for tomorrow.

G.B. [Gladys Bertha] Stern

A Touch Of Humor

Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass.

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

There’s a new museum opening in Sweden this summer called the Museum of Failure. When asked when they’d finish it, builders said, “We probably won’t.”

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

“I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.” 
― Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothing.

Art Buchwald

A Touch of Humor

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A Touch of Humor

A Touch of Humor

A Touch Of Humor

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” 

Mark Twain

A Touch Of Humor

“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.” 

Ellen DeGeneres

A Touch Of Humor

A college student in Florida is accused of breaking into a building and changing his grade from an “F” to a “B.” His parents were like, “Really, you can't even get an 'A' when you're cheating?”

Jimmy Fallon

A Touch Of Humor

Astronomers are saying that a mysterious signal from space was caused by gas surrounding a comet. Of course, the comet is claiming the gas came from its dog.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!" 

Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch Of Humor

On Jun 24, 2017, at 3:24 PM, my friend Ben Haney sent this joke:

The Urinal  Is Too High:

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one … holding on to their little 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade." 

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race … but I appreciate your help."